Back again

My story

I started gambling around 13 years ago. I had been introduced to gambling by a family member who took me to a bingo hall, all seemed very innocent, low stakes and a bit of fun. During the intervals she would play on the slot machines, i would watch and then eventually decided to have a little flutter, still all still very small stakes and within my budget. Fast forward a year and i had given birth to my beautiful son. My maternity leave was a womderful time albeit slightly overwhelming as we navigated parenthood.Naturally my sleep routine with a newborn was all over the place and I would often find myself awake at nights after his feeds when the rest of the world was asleep.

So one night whilst on my phone I saw an advert for an online casino and decided to sign up, a little go wont hurt i thought, BIG MISTAKE!

Over the course of a couple of years i got completely hooked on online slots and managed to racked up around *k of debt, including payday loans. This then meant I was living wage to wage for a long time just to pay my debts. I was wracked with guilt about what i had done to myself and my family, how could i be so stupid! How could I have lost all thar time and money! Then one day during another awful gambling session I WON..... *k to be exact!! I couldnt believe my luck. All those days/ weeks/nights spent worrying how I could pay my debt off and suddenly I could!

I remember sitting in a random carpark somewhere checking and re checking my Internet banking waiting for it to be credited. I had never had anything like that sum of money in my account. So i  paid off my debt and felt like a was walking on air! It felt so good. All of the last few years could  be forgotten and gambling could finallu be out of my life. Problem was that now i had paid off all my debts, most of the money had gone and I was back to living wage to wage. A few weeks later I started to wonder if I could perhaps give it another little go, i could just free up some more spending money and then we could perhaps go on our first holiday together as a family.  With my son being so little at the time I only worked part time and so didn't earn very much.

Anddd you guessed it, after just 6 months, little by little i racked up the debt all over again!! It was at this point I really noticed that I had a problem, how an earth had this happened. I decided enough was enough self excluded from the casino sites, went to weekly therapy and registered with gamstop (the maximum 5 years). I told NO ONE about all this and to this day I haven't, other than the therapist.

That was precisely 4 years and 9 months ago and I haven't touched it since UNTIL August this year. Myself and my partner happened to walk past a casino on a night out. "Oh shall we go and see what it's like, I had actually never been in a land casino. Walking in I knew this was a silly mistake but I could do this right?, I could be like everyone else, I had stopped for over 4 years I was strong now, I was WRONG. I left that casino a few hundred up that night and following this myself and my partner had gone back a few more times, each time leaving up on our £s. You can do it i thought, you can gamble within your means, until the visit where I went and of course inevitably lost!  boom!! The cycle of "I will just win back what I have lost" had begun.

3 months later I started to go on my own without telling my partner and each time.i lost everything I went in with. Just a few little trips here and there i thought, no big harm. Even going inside the place i had to pep talk myself, the security in the door, the feeling of being in there own, watching all the trance like people on the slots,  it all felt wrong, yet there i was! I have spent this morning  totalling up  what i have lost, £3900 in 3 months! Including withdrawing cash from a credit card! We are due to buy a house in February and now i am scared they will notice the repeated cash withdrawals, what an idiot i am to do this after coming so far.

Last night i made the trip to the casino again and lost yet again. I have promised myself I won't go back! My credit score is good, I have very little debt these days and we are about to buy our first house. I know where the chasing leads, my gamstop is still in place thankfully! Or I am sure I would of gone online by now. I am acutely aware that when the gamstop expires I need to reinstate it immediately.

I just don't know why I would go near gambling again when I am generally so much happier now, in a financially better place etc etc. 

I feel  very low today as all I keep thinking about is my recent loss. I want to chase it.... but I won't. I have learnt so much about gambling addiction over the years I think I could easily lecture on it, yet I went back, Seemmingly being educated on the subject and knowing full well its dangers isn't preventative. What a fool I am.

So after nearly 5 years recovery and abstinence...this is my day 1

Thank you for reading my story 

Stay strong