Back from the Brink

Posted by: Michael35

Day 800

Thought I'd put in a quick note for another milestone met. 800 days now gamble-free. Gambling doesn't enter my thoughts at all now - hasn't done for months, but still living in its aftermath. It gets a little easier every day - I know they'll be a point in time, in the near future when I will be put this 12yr battle to bed once and for all, but I'm not there yet.

Well done Michael, that is one hell of an achievement ? ? 

Dear @michael35,

huge congrats on 800 gamble-free! Thank you very much for sharing this milestone with us.

I am also pleased to read you don't have any gambling thoughts and that you find recovery is getting easier. 

Please keep going and please keep us posted.

Wishing you all the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Hi michael, iv always followed your diary. Well done on keeping 'clean'!!!!!

Day 1020

Currently self-isolating with v.mild symptoms (thankfully). Anyway, my phone app is telling me it's 1019 days, 18hrs and 56mins since my last bet. I'd be lying if I said I never get any urges - I still do from time to time. In fact found myself a few weeks ago on an on-line, freeplay demo slot which I wasted an imaginary fortune in about 30mins - a reminder of why I don't do it for real. Got bored with it and logged off - waste of time tbh. 

Have diaried my "journey" here for 10+yrs now, so nice to keep the diary going, even if it's only every few months - resolution for 2022 to keep the diary going.

Day 1243

Haven't updated my diary for ages, but this is the only place I ever record my thoughts and feelings.

Anyway, our beloved family pet, our wonderful dog, sadly passed away yesterday. She seemed so fit and healthy, even yesterday morning, but she was having multiple daily seizures and the scan showed she was seriously ill, and was likely to deteriote very fast - we couldn't put her through that. We had to make a decision, and we did what we thought was best, for her and for us. What an incredibly hard and upsetting decision. 

She was a wonderful companion, and always a cheerful, cheeky and mischievous presence in the home. She demanded attention often giving you a nudge - quite often snapping me out of whatever world I was in at the time. And as a recovering gambling addict, to be able to take time out to go on a long walk with her, or to just throw her ball around the garden - she'll never know how much she helped me. I'm more upset about this than any other death in the family, just because I know how she's always been a constant at my side in the last 10yrs. We're all devastated - my kids are now adults, but she's been part of their lives for most of their childhoods - Birthdays, Christmas's - always there in the morning, bright and cheerful, always there on a night, waiting for the sound of school bus arriving. Since 2020, my wife and I have been working from home, so we've had each other's company the whole time - what a wonderful thing to take a few minute's time out from the working day and take her for a walk around the block.

But now she's gone, the house is quiet and still. It's weird walking around without her following you - it's a very empty place now, but I guess life moves on. The world is a gloomy place these days - but she was our ray of sunshine. We're all going to miss her.

Dear @Michael35

I'm very sorry to hear that your beloved dog passed away.

It sounds as though she had a lovely life with your family, and I am sure she would have enjoyed the extra attention when you started working from home. 

Our best wishes to you and your family. 

Susan

Forum admin

Day 1291

1291 days since I last gambled, the longest gamble free period I've ever had, and absolutely no inclination to fall back into my old ways. But the damage my binge gambling has caused is still evident now (even 14yrs after placing that first bet) - just a quick look at my bank balance reminds me of the damage caused. And now, mortgage payments are up, utility bills are up + additional uni fees to pay, the loss of guaranteed monthly overtime, and a measly pay rise this year means that finances are now incredibly tight - scrimping and scraping was a place I thought I'd left behind years ago. I guess, as with the rest of of population, I just need to try and weather this storm. Dark days indeed.

Day 1390

After my first bout of binge gambling back in 2008, I vowed to pay back all money lost through income streams outside of my primary job income. Overtime, Ebay, Online Surveys, Competitions, and a variety of other part-time income earners. Since then, around 10-15000hrs of work, grabbing an hour here or there wherever I can, often sacrificing an extra hour in bed or an extra hour in front of the TV, but never at the expense of Family time. This has been a day-in, day-out Herculean effort over many years. I've been meticulous in recording every pound paid back, a target of around 160K lost to gambling over 11 brutal years, the last bet almost 4yrs ago now. Out of that 160K, I now have around £300 left to pay before I reach that massive psychological threshold, knowing that whatever I've wasted, I've paid back - yes, down to just £300 now. Although technically, this does not include all of the additional interest paid; nevertheless, I'm hoping that this massive achievement will lift some of the psychological weight I've carried around on my back for the last decade or so.
I am so unbelievably close to achieving this, after 14yrs, possibly a week away - nothing can sure go wrong now.

Day 1390

After my first bout of binge gambling back in 2008, I vowed to pay back all money lost through income streams outside of my primary job income. Overtime, Ebay, Online Surveys, Competitions, and a variety of other part-time income earners. Since then, around 10-15000hrs of work, grabbing an hour here or there wherever I can, often sacrificing an extra hour in bed or an extra hour in front of the TV, but never at the expense of Family time. This has been a day-in, day-out Herculean effort over many years. I've been meticulous in recording every pound paid back, a target of around 160K lost to gambling over 11 brutal years, the last bet almost 4yrs ago now. Out of that 160K, I now have around £300 left to pay before I reach that massive psychological threshold, knowing that whatever I've wasted, I've paid back - yes, down to just £300 now. Although technically, this does not include all of the additional interest paid; nevertheless, I'm hoping that this massive achievement will lift some of the psychological weight I've carried around on my back for the last decade or so.
I am so unbelievably close to achieving this, after 14yrs, possibly a week away - nothing can sure go wrong now.

Day 1390

After my first bout of binge gambling back in 2008, I vowed to pay back all money lost through income streams outside of my primary job income. Overtime, Ebay, Online Surveys, Competitions, and a variety of other part-time income earners. Since then, around 10-15000hrs of work, grabbing an hour here or there wherever I can, often sacrificing an extra hour in bed or an extra hour in front of the TV, but never at the expense of Family time. This has been a day-in, day-out Herculean effort over many years. I've been meticulous in recording every pound paid back, a target of around 160K lost to gambling over 11 brutal years, the last bet almost 4yrs ago now. Out of that 160K, I now have around £300 left to pay before I reach that massive psychological threshold, knowing that whatever I've wasted, I've paid back - yes, down to just £300 now. Although technically, this does not include all of the additional interest paid; nevertheless, I'm hoping that this massive achievement will lift some of the psychological weight I've carried around on my back for the last decade or so.
I am so unbelievably close to achieving this, after 14yrs, possibly a week away - nothing can sure go wrong now.

Well done mate anything possible just keep doing what your doing am sure you could report back on here after 10 years and inspire other people i quit everything from drink and drugs gambling been the hardest thing for me a friend of mine was a compusive gamblier he strugged with everything but managed to free himself from gambling it been 12 years since he gambled

Day 1415

Well the good news is, that by this evening, I will be in a position to report that every penny lost to Gambling has been earned back through whatever means I've been able to muster over the years. It's taken 14yrs, but that's at least 1 loop I can close. 160K lost then earned back over at least 10,000hrs above and beyond the usual 9-5. Something I'm proud of.

But as I crawl over the line with this, I get an impending sense of dread, and certain things have typically happened over the last few days that make me think that once again fate is working against me. I might be reading too much into certain situations, but it's just a sense that I'm currently getting.

Gambling has ruined me financially, and the battle to put this right will continue, and will do so for a few years yet. I have probably around 10yrs before retirement, so enough time to get completely straightened out, but the battle continues.

@michael35 What a monumental achievement. I remember your diary from when you first came here and I was more active on the forum. 
I hope you continue to update on your progress. I myself have paid off large debt through similar means in the past and once it was gone I found there were new challenges to overcome. Having a debt free challenge is a big motivator, but I hope you can cut yourself a bit of slack now.
I still dabble with earning money outside of my normal job but looking back I can see that my obsessive eBaying, survey taking and general penny pinching during the summer ultimately led to frustration which I think led to my recent relapse after 4 years clean. 
Take it easy. All the best. 

@michael35 Congratulations, Michael. I remember your original diary from around 2011. You are a great inspiration to this community. You have achieved so much. Just don't wobble now. Treat yourself to something and keep moving forward. Keep your face to the sunshine and you won't see the shadows.

Day 1417

It might be Day 1417 gamble-free, but 5247 days after that first gamble, 19Sep2008, I've finally completed what I set out to do, which is to pay back every single penny through whatever overtime, mystery shopping, surveys, eBay, comps, cashback, clicks and whatever else on-line work I could scrabble together. A total of £160,000 over 14+yrs, day-in, day-out outside the usual 9-5. Something I vowed to do from the outset - meticulously recorded and now showing a positive amount - 22p to be precise for the first time. I'm immensely proud and happy to declare this particular loop is now closed.

@paulll, @pellekanin - your comments genuinely touched me, and I certainly remember you both from the early days of my 1st diary way back in 2011 - you've both given me a real lift for which I'm extremely thankful. 11-12yrs have flown by, and much has changed, particularly in the last few years.

Amazing to think that all the frustration, stress, anxiety, worry, anger, arguments, sleepless nights, fatigue and over-work of the last 14yrs could have been avoided if those first few Blackjack hands were losses, and I'd simply logged off the laptop and went for a walk or something. How different life could have turned out?

Anyway, there are many challenges ahead, and I'm certainly not out of the woods by any means - both emotionally and financially, but at least for today, one major psychological barrier has been broken.

The battle continues.