Better to Ramble than Gamble.

Day 182 six months

A bit of a recap over my journey to recognise six months. It's not over yet. I do warn you it's a long post.

I first started gambling when I was about 18. I had gambled before on the National in the arcades at Blackpool but it wasn’t till I became a chef that I started gambling on my own. Working a spilt shift, it started out just filling the time in the afternoon. Early on I got a decent win over £300 on an 8 dog race at Bough Park I think, forecast and tricast up looking back that obviously made it look easy.

I remember my Dad having a win I remember it well a 30p Lucky 15 which paid around 5k that must have had an effect me I even remember the name of the last horse Black Patch Will ridden by Carson but unlike my dad who can gamble responsibly I obviously can’t.

I didn’t realise at the time but when I was about 20 I decided to move to the lakes I used the excuse that I wanted to move out because I wasn’t getting along with my Mum and Dad but really the reason was I was gambling lying and stealing and need to get away. I went to the Lakes no bookies nearby no online gambling then. Things went well met a girl fell in love enjoyed live. We wanted to buy a house and could not afford in the Lakes so we moved back here.

With the opportunity back on my doorstep I starred gambling again nothing over the top a few bets on the Saturday racing and football coupons I’m not sure when it got out of control I just seemed to keep escalating. During the next 10 years I made a few mistakes stopped for a while after spending rent and bill money but managed wriggle out of these situations.

Things really got bad about 18 months ago I was spending all my spare money on online gambling on sports betting mainly football lots of different markets but if I had money in my account anything would do. I spent a lot of time researching and had spreadsheets and databases on different leagues different sports like Volleyball and basketball, what do I know about volleyball or basketball for that matter.

I started spending money we had saved money for other things increasing the overdraft, Id only do this on a Wednesday as I worked out the letter from the bank to confirm came on a Saturday so I could intercept the post. Eventually that hit its limit and things came out I promised I would change and again knocked it on the head.

We decided to get married after being together for 19 years to do this we had to find some money so re-mortgaged enough to clear some debt reduce the overdraft and book the wedding. We picked the venue paid the deposit, she wanted to pay it all I talked her out of it I promised I would control my gambling handed over the online banking account to her, she wasn’t very good at it so I would get her to log me on to do what we need to do which was fine till she typed the password in the wrong place so I now had the means to run up the overdraft again! once that was gone I started on the wedding fund that was gone within a 4 months by April it was all gone. I had been back gambling online while showing my pretend bets from the bookies a couple of pound here and there but I was gambling heavy online.

The plans where still going ahead for the wedding she was picking the dress paid for it with her own money so we could have a few extra’s treats on the day ,booked the DJ had meeting with him and planned the day ordered the cake got the photographer all the time just paying deposits. She wanted the little extra I’m saying no we don’t need this all the time knowing the money had gone. The save the date cards had gone out, I was delaying ordering the invitations saying I’m waiting for an offer to come up but really I was just delaying as I knew the inevitable. At this point I was becoming more desperate time was running out I was chasing spending any money I could get me hands on to try and get it back I was taking out payday loans in her name from whoever I could get them off borrowing money from friends and colleges becoming a pest calling me brother to bail me out he was on holiday onetime I still called him. Making up another excuse another lie.

September the 23^rd my birthday I had one last throw of the dice which obviously didn’t roll my way. I went home had a birthday meal and cake with her and my son knowing the next day I had to tell her she had said she wanted to check the bank tomorrow I had dodged this so many times making excuse like the site was down but really I had just disconnected from the Wi-Fi. She called me on my lunch at work I had not planned to tell her then but it just came out a cowards way over the phone I knew the game was up, I knew by telling her I was sealing my fate I knew I had blown it.

I went home she was calm and she is not a calm person she told me it was over and had packed me a few things and allowed me to say bye to me son. I had to make that walk to my parents with my black bin bags and asked for a bed told them everything, although disappointed and upset they have stuck by me of that I am grateful I would not of got through this without them and my brother who helped me financially to clear some things down and has been there for support I’m not sure where I would be now. With all of them I know I’m on a final chance if I get it wrong again I will be completely on my own.

Over that weekend I called Gamcare and they offered some good advice and I started a diary, I got a warm welcome from Balvaird who gave me the standard advise that we all get and I know pass on to new members, I put it in place, like confide in people I had already done this it wasn’t something I could hide anymore, hand over my money this was easy I didn’t have any, put blocks in place on the internet I did this with my mum that was hard work she’s not the most technical when it comes to the internet but we got there. On the Monday I excluded from a few bookies near home and work.

Then on Tuesday I went to my first GA meeting, nearly turned round was dreading it, I just imagined it to be like you see on films all sat in a circle on plastic chairs in a old school hall or the like, as for the people I don’t know what I expected but it wasn’t what I got, just ordinary people willing to listen and advise after all they had all been here, walked in my shoes. It’s hard to explain everyone’s story is different but so alike. I’ve seen people come and go, people who think they have cracked it after a few weeks, they might of chosen a different route GA doesn’t suit all but from what I have seen those of stick out seem to be doing ok. I even seen people who I thought were “invincible” miss half a dozen meetings then come back with their tail between their legs, saying that I would be more annoyed if they didn’t come back and give it another go. I (was going to write what Gamcare has done for me but it’s the same as the above just online

The first 3 months where extremely hard not so much with the gambling but with no longer living where I wanted to. I know this was my fault. I think I was punishing myself for the pain and hurt I caused to my loved ones. I isolated myself went into my shell.

My now ex was furious with me I had run up thousands in debts taken out loans in her name, missed mortgage payments missed other bills. For a while I got daily volleys of abuse what could I say she wasn’t wrong it was the truth I had become an evil despicable lying b*****d, it hurt me when she wished I was dead but nearly as much when she said she had nothing to live for. I know she didn’t mean we had our son who has been great through all of this, has had to grow up a bit sooner than I would have liked but he has been a rock for his mum and has never judged me.

One down point was in the first couple of weeks I thought I had got everything out in the open and all plans in place to pay them back but I had that many payday loans running at once I missed one. In the grand scheme it was only a couple of hundred quid but it wasn’t the money it was the trust the doubts about why have I hidden this.

At about my 6^th GA a guy came how had over 10 years gamble for time under his belt and he spoke a lot of sense he asked the group a question. Can you name 5 things you had bought with your winnings? One person out of about 20 could. I could name 2 a new Smart TV and a new comfy bed, it wasn’t till later on that it occurred to me due to my gambling I no longer watch that shinny new TV or sleep in the big comfy bed. Made me realise that it’s just not worth it, like us all I have a had a few good wins, but all I did was give it back because I’m a compulsive gambler and just can’t stop. What was the point?

The first day with a real urge was Day 10 the first Saturday I had any sort of money (it was not a lot) normally I would have spent the night before and morning studying the football convincing myself that this would be the day. I would nip out to the bookies put a couple of bets on the dogs to try and win my stake sometimes I did but that only made me put more bets on or up the stakes. These bets where just my show bets a few £2 accas and £5 trebles the real damages was being done online. I did a few big bets but lots of relatively small in plays. Anyhow I got through the Saturday kept busy had my son round and had chill and had apple Crumble he made at school which was great, sorted out my old room which had now become my new room at my Mum and Dad’s.

Day 30 thought realised my new found hate for Ray Winstone set myself a new target Day 31 lol one day at a time.

Day 54 Took my Mum, Dad and brother to a GA open meeting tonight, I think it helped them understand it a bit more, heard so great tales of woe turning into just a normal life with a gambling history. It was good for them to hear 3 different therapy’s from 1, 6 and 11 years of recovery. It must be so hard for them to understand especially my dad who has a bet often at the weekend but not as irresponsibly as me. It would be really useful for other gamblers to take their family to even if they don’t go to GA.

DAY 61 Found £20 on the floor coming home from GA tonight felt wrong having it in my pocket gave it to my mum when I got home and used it for a few pints at the weekend.

Day 68 went to GA tonight felt fine going in. started to speak and it all came out supposed to be getting married in a few days on Friday but f****d that up, been putting a brave face on but it’s really getting to me. Got my works do on Friday wasn’t sure if I should go with it being my wedding day but got the most amazing support from a few guys at GA offering to out with me if I need their support. Didn’t think I was signing up to that when I walked through the doors. I came home feeling overwhelmed and humbled with the support and added to my diary it’s time for me to start being the one to offer that support and start to step up. Wise words from day@atime “And So the Recovery begins.”

Day 72 Yesterday was a tough day tried to keep busy and not think about what I should be doing. Mum got a bit upset but I think it was just more worry for me. Went to my works Christmas do got a few texts and calls on the way from the people I now consider to be friends from GA. Had a good night a few mates from work kept their eye on me, made it home in one piece. Strange thing happened on the way home met Nathan from GA and end up having a long cant and get a cab home with him as the bus was a no show, which reminds me I still haven’t paid my half to the cab fare.

Day 90 Should have been a day to celebrate with other CG at GA but due to some religious festival it will have to wait.

Day 93 a Christmas day like I’ve not had before missed my family, not being woken up with my son was hard. He came round at lunch we had a moment hugged it out and got on with the day. It was a good day sent with Family and my Son. Didn’t have a bet which I have done before on Christmas day in some far flung land. Madness.

Day 97 managed to get to a GA meeting at Ralph’s home even came away with my 90 day pen a proud feeling.

Day 99 The first real urge in a long time it was fleeting got it in my head that the £10 I had in my pocket could win me NYE out till I was due to have me son while the ex went out. Soon dispelled those thoughts by coming on my diary went home and had a great night with my son instead.

Day 100 New year’s Day 100 not out a good way to start the New Year.

Day 111 just got back from GA a beer in the fridge from my Mum always put one in for me after a meeting; she’s been a rock for me. Maybe one day she will read this.

Day 125 Good meeting again tonight 18 out of 18 gamble free. Had the honour of meeting a great bloke from the Manchester meeting tonight 12 years gamble free such a humble man, great to listen to so of the old heads speak lots of wise words.

Day 131 I woke up under my old roof this morning, my ex home as it has now become, my ex has got a new job working nights so will need to stay over a few nights a week from now on. Hope its gets better felt like a burglar sneaking around quietly this morning, on the plus side I do get to spend with my son.

Day 132 chaired my first GA meeting really enjoyed it went well; a couple of newbie’s who got some great advice and just a good all round meeting. I’ve not missed a meeting since I started, so that’s my new goal 1 year without missing a meeting.

Day 134 Started writing this. Confident not arrogant or complacent,

Day 144 spent the night at the ex home don’t feel as intrusive now it’s getting better but it’s not my home anymore, waiting for the lad to woke to make Pancakes we missed out on them on Tuesday.

Day 152 Heart sank today, call of the ex she has had a letter from a payday loan company, not again I thought but this time giving her a refund. Makes a change!!

Day 164 nothing exciting has happened just ticking along nicely

Day 182 6 months done, look it’s not been easy as you can see from the above essay but it has got easier I could not of done it without the support on here, I’m not going to single anyone out you know who you are and lets be honest everyone on here has helped me out be it if they just post once and disappear or they give me the Hi Five or so advice that works or something I don’t agree with but it challenges me.

KTF I will, to be continued

Wow!!

I think it's good to download all that and keeps us in check.

You've got a good strong family there and it was nice that they attended GA with you. A product of a good family does indeed make a good son, but I guess it's just our nature to mess up, yet deep inside our values never leave us, just get burdened with the guilt..

I quite envied you when you mentioned the lakes, my favourite neck of the country with a Cumbrian dad and many a link with windermere.

You've made massive strides in these 6 months and shows the spirit inside of yourself that gambling tried to steal....

I wish you well.

Great reflection Martin , some of the things you mentioned from early on took me right back to our early conversations , looking forward to our continuing journey together ! Wishing you well on your day my friend . With deep respect ..AL

My 90 day pen has just given up the ghost on me Hope Im entitled to a second one now I have done my 2nd 90 days Lol

Great post Okdham and well done on reaching 6 months. Always enjoy reading your posts and people could do worse than to follow your lead.

All the best.

Damo

Great post, I hope my son can follow your example

Hi.. as others have said, great post to read.

Good to reflect upon progress made.

Keep up the good work. I sense that you will.

I feel motivated to go back to GA now. Its been quite a while.

Regards... S.A

What a brilliant post...*doffs cap*

congrats mate...your recovery is a pleasure to read and helps me.

15 mins into watching the England game and I have not seen one pitch side advertisement for a betting firm. Don't know if the laws are different in Germany but it's quite refreshing.

KTF

They've gone and spoilt it now a few payday loans have popped

True mate but did you notice all the Tanks rolling along ? , bit worrying ! .

Day 186

Busy day today of to my nieces wedding at some big country house hotel. Been up bright and early had my first wet shave of the year. Only shave for weddings and funerals happy it's for the former.

A bit of breakfast now then me and the lad will get suited and booted and enjoy the day and night staying in some manor hotel. I'm sure a few beers will pass my lips as well.

KTF

Duck me this is hard but it's what Gambling has cost me I should be enjoying my nieces wedding but I'm walling in self pity while everyone else is enjoying themselves. I should be moving on but I can't. Need to snap out of this s**t now

I will KTF because if I don't none one else will !!!!!!!!!!

Hey Oldham, we've got faith in you. It must be in the air, Deano is down too today. Chin up, you put such a brilliant positive post up the other day - in fact the majority of your posts are positive. Hopefully it's just alcohol making you feel this way and you'll wake up tomorrow wandering what that was all about! Enjoy what's left of the night, weddings are what it's all about, new starts to new lives and all that.

KTF!

Twinklyr x

You seem to me to be a great example of true recovery. Acceptance, amends, and a willingness for a better way of life.Congratulations on your journey thus far... long may it continue!

Cheers twinks and Amon yeah it was drink injustices but beer tells the truth I don't worry about gambling anymore just the pain of what it has cost me and I had so many chances to put that right. I hope people out ther see this as not just gambling with their hard earned cash but with their life as they know it. It's a tough lesson I have learnt and I don't wish it on anyone. Learn from my mistakes give up now before it's too late.

KTF