The story
I messed up and gambled again on Saturday, Sunday and today. I've been going through some really tough times and I saw a bookies on Saturday, I was on my own, I was down, I knew I had a bill coming in and I just discarded the consequences and wanted a bet. The bet lost the next bet won the next bet lost... the next next bet lost... the next next next bet lost.
I'm so angry and annoyed and going through some really tough times. I just don't have any release from it. It's a rubbish excuse as everyone has cr4p to deal with.
A really annoying think is that I have all the barriers except my credit card... I wanted to restrict the cash withdrawal limit so phoned up a month ago but my bank told me I couldn't as it is set at £300 and can't be altered.
That is the only barrier I have open and I walked right through it and that's what has cost me on my last few relapses.
I need to get rid of the card but right now I need it to pay for things as I max my overdraft to pay off as much credit card debt as possible then buy things on my credit card during the month. I get paid next week and may need to change things around so I leave money in my account and throw away the credit card and just accept a higher balance on my credit card as ultimately it hasn't moved much after my relapses have caused me to withdraw on it.
The plan
When I get paid and move money out to pay for my share of the months mortgage I will still have a positive balance. Rather than transfer a huge chunk to the credit card I'll leave it there to pay for stuff during the month. I then need to do something with that credit card... we need it for an emergency incase something like the cooker breaks down and we need a new one. I could give it to my wife, put it in a place where I can't access it easily... like my locker at work... I could try and get some sort of time delay safe if they exist... I don't know the solution yet but I need one.
I have some modest savings which I don't want to touch as i don't want to tarnish them with gambling. However, I might use them to pay off some credit card debt and that could then motivate me to save it back asap. My gut is saying leave the savings well alone and get out the mess you've created without resorted to a sort term fix... financially it makes sense to use then as it will reduce my interest payments.
Feelings
I feel like there was a sense of inevitability that I was always going to gamble again and that affects me the most. It really disappoints me. The credit card is the issue and I need to remove it from the equation... in retrospective if I can get rid of it then I may be saved from gambling.
Thats a long ramble but I'll be back later...
en because you Change you can stop the credit card, you know that, you kept that link open because you my friend wanted it left open, it's your choice whether to keep a line open or to commit 100% to recovery and simply close it
You do have the choice, How positive is that :)))
Suzanne xxx
Yeah my thinking is along the same lines after playing it through in my mind... just cut up the card...
Alright mate, I feel your pain. I'm on and off gambling for a few years now. When I'm gambling and losing I am transferring money from credit card to bank account just to pay my betting debts. Best to cut them up, best thing I done although I still transfer cash online when I'm desperate.
I messed up this weekend as well and I've just let my wife know by text message what ive been up to so I'm in for a right earful when I get in.
Yeah I need to get rid of the credit card and when an emergency comes around then we'll just have to use my wife's card. It's so desperate when you're gambling. It's a horrible exhausting existence but we still go back for more. I am just so depressed about the whole situation. I've messed up so many times. I can't understand why I keep going back. Total madness. So frustated. Thanks for posting Lenny and i'll check out your diary if you have one.
Sorry change half my post you has disappeared:((( gremlins around lol )))
Listen cutting your credit card up is not enough, you need to contact the company and tell them you don't want to use that card anymore :))) , they have to oblige, you can block all your cards if you really want to. Xx
Suzanne xxx
Day 1
Urge-meter
Urges are fairly low right now. No urges to chase again. Don't even want to look or read about sport.
Target 1
Write a blog post about why I think I gamble and try to concentrate a bit more on the reasons and causes.
Hi Change.
I don't know you're full story, but it seems as though you keep trying to stop but then something happens and you're back to gambling again. Breaking that triangle in a watertight way is an absolute priority. But so too is finding out the real reasons why you keep putting yourself through this miserable cycle. Have you had counselling of any sort? Have you attended GA? Unless you fully understand the reasons why you gamble then I fear it will always be something that you return to.
LifeBegins x
Trying to think really deep about what caused or causes me to gamble and I think it has probably changed over time.
At the start it was more around fun and interest as i would just do a £5 accumulator with the hope of winning a jackpot one day.
I then moved to taking it more seriously and analysing data and placing larger single bets. This was a phase where I saw gambling as a means to make money and I would withdraw winnings etc.
I think I then took it to even another level and thought I could do exchange betting full time so bets got larger etc. I think it was probably a way to have a 'job' I was interested in if I could go full time.
It then all feel down and my gambling went irrational and crazy. This was a chasing period. I'd have sprees for a month at a time and then stop and start again.
In Feb 2015 I decided it was over and first sought help through GA meetings etc. I did well at the start but then relapsed and since then I've had periods off followed by relapses. This is the toughest period for me to explain my behaviour. I can't really understand what I'm doing. I just don't know why I can't seem to stop. I definitely have a trigger of gambling to try and pay for a bill or an object I need. Rather than pay it my mind shifts to gambling to pay for it. That is definitely a problem for me. I do get a buzz from it and fear kicks in whilst I'm checking the scores so there's some adrenaline kick as well.
There must be something deeper but it's not apparent to me right now. I think that the bill to pay hooks me in and the buzz keeps me there until I snap out when realisation kicks in.
I'm successful in my career and I have a good life really I just can't seem to stop gambling even when I know it's wrong. This weekend an opportunity presented itself and I knew I needed to pay for something and I placed that first bet and got sucked in again.
It's really frustrating for me as I don't really know why I can't say no.
Another trend I'm just thinking about is depression and being grumpy. I think I have become more depressed and grumpy over the last few years when my addiction has reached it's peak. When I am gambling and winning I am much happier and a nicer person to me around. When I'm losing or when I'm not gambling I am much quieter and sulky. It's almost like gambling can make me happy. But I generally have a good life and have nothing to be too sad about. I'm going through a lot at this particular moment but that's life.
Maybe I just need to be more positive and not so sad.
You cant say no because your an addict. Contrary to your name nothing changes. You say you went to GA but clearly didn't stick around. Circumstances seem to be the only thing that stops you.Recovery requires patience. I'm frustrated by you as you are clearly an intelligent individual yet persist in not doing anything about your problem other than wish it away. Get help,tell your wife do something different. Otherwise you will still be bemoaning your predicament for many more years to come
​
I did stick around GA meetings but no longer attend as I have an extremely sick child and live on site at the hospital.
If only I was as great as you then maybe id be able to kick this. Apologies for frustrating you but believe me I am the more frustrated.
I'm now determined to prove you wrong!!
"I definitely have a trigger of gambling to try and pay for a bill or an object I need. Rather than pay it my mind shifts to gambling to pay for it. That is definitely a problem for me. I do get a buzz from it and fear kicks in whilst I'm checking the scores so there's some adrenaline kick as well."
What you said above sounds very much my thoughts when I am gambling. I've been reading about dopamine and gambling (the buzz). Its tough but if you are determined Change to not have another bet then of course you can beat it.
I quit smoking without any help and coming of nicotine was bloody hard.
I just read a couple of articles about dopamine after your post above and there were some sections that really reasonated. Such as a bet winning easily not giving as much excitement as a near miss. That is something I started to notice in myself. Near misses where I was on edge and my heart was pounding seemed to do something to me more than an easy win even though the latter came accompanied with a bundle of cash. It was almost like the money was less important than the buzz and after an easy win I could go off gambling for a day or so but with a near miss I'd want to get straight back on and bet again almost like I wanted that buzz again. That is a bit weird. Maybe there is something around needing to fill my day with an alternative buzz that is not harmful... but I guess that is difficult to find. I just need to keep my head down and move forward. It's been over 24 hours since my last bet but this is always an easy period as I feel so bad about myself. The stretch from 10-40 days tends to be where I relapse so really need to work extra hard this time. I'm not going to give Dan any more ammunition this time round.
Change, I'm so sorry to hear about the gambling as you were doing so well.
You like me have done it numerous times it would appear, I just haven't been on this site before. One thing is for sure though is that the credit card needs to go. I got in so much trouble with those poxy things. Can't remember exactly but think I've been through 9-12 different cards/companies. Probably had 7-8 going at the same time. Lethal things especially when they used to keep upping my credit limit.
As you mention above - and I understand times are tough right now - but I believe you do need to find something else to occupy your time. You seemed to be doing that with your garden and a bike I believe. Could you give yourself a project to work on, something that would pre-occupy you for 2-3 months at least. Whether it be a fitness challenge, or aiming to set yourself targets to achieve.
I'm working on my eating, cutting down drinking and fitness/golf etc. I've given myself for now until Christmas to work on these 'things'. Pre-occupies my mind enough to not think about gambling.
Keep positive and all the best to you and your child in particular. If you ever fancy a chat just send me a message.
Not Again
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