Change is changing as things have got to change

So, Change, it does seem as though you have taken some steps to try and address this, but maybe not to the extent that is necessary to really make a long lasting difference. Why did you decide to stop going to GA? Have you had one to one therapy? Have you been able to discuss your true feelings honestly and openly with anyone outside of this forum?

You said that you're grumpy and depressed when you're not gambling and a nicer person when you are. You've extrapolated from this that gambling makes you happy. I'd suggest the reverse is true. Maybe you're more like your real self when you're not gambling but you don't like the real you? Or maybe gambling makes you happy only because by doing it you've scratched the itch and bought yourself some temporary relief.

The dopamine stuff is interesting and I've long wondered about that myself. But ask yourself the question why you need a dopamine rush. What is it in your life that makes you need this? What's missing? What's happened? Joe Bloggs doesn't need this dopamine rush, so why do you?

Honestly, I don't think you can do this on your own. You've tried, and yet you're no further forward. As Dr. Phil would say " how's that working for ya?".

What have you got to lose by getting some professional help?

LifeBegins x

Thanks Not Again... I really appreciate the post. Currently trying to figure things out in my own head. The credit card has been put away for now and once I get paid next week it will get cut up. I'm struggling to have any means to take my mind away whilst I'm living away from home. I was doing well for that last period with DIY, garden, bike, exercise etc. I need to find something and it may be researching my family tree or some running first thing when I get up in the morning. It's tough right now but happy to get first 24 hours ticked off. It's going to get worse around 10-20 day mark but the card will be gone by then so my barriers will be strong.

"I was born by the river in a little tent. Oh and just like the river I've been running ever since. It's been a long time, a long time coming But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will"

Sam Cooke - A Change Is Gonna Come

Hi Life Begins... thanks for your post. I need to re-read and think through your comments a bit longer.

So, Change, it does seem as though you have taken some steps to try and address this, but maybe not to the extent that is necessary to really make a long lasting difference.

* Yes agreed. I've done a lot but there is a small gap I have still exploited so it needs to go and that's the credit card.

Why did you decide to stop going to GA? Have you had one to one therapy? Have you been able to discuss your true feelings honestly and openly with anyone outside of this forum?

* The very first time I stopped was because my wife got lonely on Friday nights and wanted me around. I work long hours but it was still petty from her. I went back but then my son was born and is very ill. Never had one-to-one therapy but did look into it and need to go to my GP to start the process. My GP is known to people I know so is not something I wanted to do. I discuss my feelings at GA meetings.

You said that you're grumpy and depressed when you're not gambling and a nicer person when you are. You've extrapolated from this that gambling makes you happy. I'd suggest the reverse is true. Maybe you're more like your real self when you're not gambling but you don't like the real you? Or maybe gambling makes you happy only because by doing it you've scratched the itch and bought yourself some temporary relief.

* I was happy 5 years ago but I'm different now. It is probably the gambling that has affected my normal state to a degree. I am a high achiever and excelled in education and my career but I lack motivation. If something really grabs me then I can excel and learning grabs me so exams come easy. My employer has suggested CBT to me to make me explore some of my traits.

The dopamine stuff is interesting and I've long wondered about that myself. But ask yourself the question why you need a dopamine rush. What is it in your life that makes you need this? What's missing? What's happened? Joe Bloggs doesn't need this dopamine rush, so why do you?

* I need that rush because that is my make up. I'm not Joe Bloggs as everyone is different it is impossible to compare. The research suggests a compulsive gambler has a lower than average dopamine level and needs that buzz or doesn't have energy and doesn't feel satisfied.

Honestly, I don't think you can do this on your own. You've tried, and yet you're no further forward. As Dr. Phil would say " how's that working for ya?".

* Agree, it's not currently working for me so a change is required.

What have you got to lose by getting some professional help?

* Nothing to lose just need the opportunity to be able to do it.

Thanks again Lifebegins as that post has made me think a bit wider. It's still going round in my head.

I was hoping that my questions would make you think. I know that there have been times when people have questioned me and although I've found it hard going to find the answers it's nearly always been helpful. Keep thinking about these things....there's no rush to get to an answer. It's taken me years to understand how I tick and I've had lots of counselling and support.

Just so you know, I had a series of one to one sessions with an organisation called Breakeven that were arranged via Gamcare. My GP was never contacted and it isn't on my records. I'm sure if you phone them they would be able to help you.

LifeBegins x

Change

​My post clearly upset you. If getting angry at me gives you determination to prove me wrong then job done. My point was you have had 7 diaries in 8 months all following the exact same pattern. Lots of posting & enthusiasm,then nothing. & back to day 1. Your clearly focusing on the wrong things. Gambling is not your problem it's your solution. Look for new solutions &gambling will not be something you need to spend your time worrying about. Just a quick word on dopamine. It was very trendy a couple of years ago but its kinda been thrown out now. Dopamine has nothing to do with the buzz. Dopamine is the drug that tells us to try harder so it does play into a gambling addicts brain as far as near misses are concerned, so it can be said to perpetuate the chasing. However it doesn't explain our need to return after a period of abstinence. Gambling is not about chasing highs it's about avoiding feeling lows. My best wishes to your wife & son

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I wouldn't say i have anger towards you I was just respectfully annoyed at that particular moment. I appreciate your contribution and I have started to go through your diary in parts. It is an interesting read although many posts are cryptic in nature. I still found a lot of nuggets of good advice. You are asking people to look very deep inside to find the problem as it's not gambling that's the problem... the gambling is a reaction to another deeper issue and it's not a financial one. I do struggle with that but I do also know that I struggle with being happy. I do have a problem about not being happy in life, seeing the negatives, focusing on them and letting them take over. Why is it that I'm not happy? I don't know the answer to that. That's the difficult thing that needs addressing somehow.

Change, you're right. That's exactly the question that you need to find the answer to..."why is it that I'm not happy?".

But it won't be easy to really, truly find that answer. Few people can do it on their own. You'll have it going round and round in your head and it's easy to go off on a tangent. Having the right person ask the right questions can make a huge difference. There's help there for you (GA, Gamcare, private therapy, GP)...you've just got to be strong enough to reach out and take it.

LifeBegins x

So I thought a little and to expand on that with my recent relapse... I have a bill coming in and rather than just be normal and think I need to pay it... I build it up to a big thing and make it all negative and then gambling is the reaction to that negative impulse. And it's that negative impulse that is the problem? Is that right or is that not a good example and I'm going down the wrong track?

I dont think I have gambled with the thought of I need a win to pay a bill. I tend pay all my bills first then gamble away my spare cash as it would be called. If I lose that money I would just keep going until the losses are actually to heavy to cope with, with modern technology I am/was actually able to deposit money into a betting account without any cash in my bank. (strange!) irrational - yes. Then have to cover losses with a credit card or savings.

If you think counselling would help then go for it, my wife is trying to get me to go to a GA meeting or counselling. I'm maybe a bit scared of counselling as I have done a lot of what some people would regard as bad things.(good chance I would break down) although I would like to think I have lived and experienced life to its full!!

Hi Lenny... when I saw bill I don't mean rent or utilities etc as I also pay them all first... this weekend I knew I needed to buy a meal for 6 of us so about £140 in the end. I just thought id try and win that cash. It's an obscene way to think about life.

Done some more thinking and noticed a change on the forum boards where there is more focus on people actually being accountable for what they've done and not just feeling sorry. It's been refreshing in a way as it's made me realise this ain't a game it's really serious. It's given me a real kick up the backside to start being grown up and not acting like a [insert word] anymore. The softly softly doesn't work so I do need that and I've let people down. I'm going to change.

Hi Change, I don't know whether you're going down the wrong track in your thinking/questioning of yourself. The stand out question you asked was "why am I not happy?" but then you seemed to answer a different question "why do I gamble to pay for something rather than just pay it like normal people?". Maybe the two are linked or maybe they're not. I don't know. As I said, I don't know if you'll be able to find the answers on your own.There is professional help out there if you really want to take it.

LifeBegins x

Day 4 nearly done so roll on Day 5 and the weekend.

Well done Change. Hope you have a good weekend.