Choosing life

That sound's like a " Plan " ND ? Good for you :)) .

I think the acceptance is the hard bit for us all , weve spent so many years doing exactly as we want , creating carnage in our wake and without a thought of the consequences to anyone else around , but acceptance is definately the key to allowing ourselves to move forward , just as is drawing that line and saying " No more " :)) .

Back to the little steps my friend and one day at a time , you know deep down you can do this , you just have to want too :))

Best wishes and look after yourself :))

Thanks Alan. Woke up feeling pretty down today. The weekend where I get to think about things. Sorted some bits out this morning. Going to force myself to go for a run shortly. Trying not act on gambling or alcohol urges. I never want to end up back in this position again. The feeling of self loathing and desperation. Reminding myself I Need to keep chipping away day by day and everything will improve.

Wrote down a rough time line of the last 20 odd years of my gambling problem since I was 16. The year, what I was doing and a couple of memories of gambling at that time, the debt I was in and what that stopped me doing. Also included the 18 months -2yrs that I stopped gambling and built up quite a lot of savings and the improvement in every aspect of my life. And the the last 2-3 yrs where it's all reversed to the previous 14 odd years. It's so blatant looking at this timeline that gambling is the one single destructive issue in my life. What a life it will and can be if I get this under control. I'll be looking at this timeline whenever I need a reminder. I had urges earlier today. But they can stay well hidden away in the b*****d box that they belong. The rest of the day will be mine to enjoy. Cooking a nice dinner and a soak in the bath. Then hopefully a very long sleep.

ND great to hear today was a positive one, you know you can do, you have in the past, and no matter how much you could win, it all ends up in the same place, we don't see fire fighter adding petrol to a fire or more wood and by spinning that reel that's all we are doing stay strong and rep the reward

Banked another run today. Succumb to a bottle of wine with dinner. No gambling. Feel slightly more relaxed. Heading into the new week in a better headspace. Still thinking a lot about my issues, I guess that's a good thing. I have a nice holiday booked for December and have that to look forward too. Need to start living in the present more, have plans for the future, which can happen without gambling but definitely need to start enjoying everyday. Well those that don't involve work anyway 🙂

Had another run. Another day without gambling.

. A week away from gambling. Lots of thoughts and urges but not acted on. Realising how depressed I've become. I have very little energy at the moment. Not really having any great sleeps but sleeping a lot. After staring my own business nearly 5 yrs ago the gambling continued for about a year. Then I stopped, a couple of relapses along the way but I managed to invest the time in my business and two years ago had £20k in savings from it. Then I remember how I'd feel after a relapse. It may have been £200 but I'd be devasted at the wasted money. Life was very positive and I was enjoying finally having some sort of financial security for the first time since my gambling addiction started around 18. I then decided that I thought a previous idea would work to make even more money back form the gambling world. It was a worked out stratergie and I spent 3-4 weeks testing it without any financial investment. I then opened another account to give it a go. I told myself £500 would be put aside for it. The last two years have seen me wipe out that £20k and every extra penny I've earned along the way. I guess I would have around £60k now to invest in my future but have blown the lot. I do not have debt, but have nothing else either. I know that's a positive but am struggling to find a way of letting go of this. I've become numb to the losses. The devastation I felt after relapsing and losing £200 isn't the same. I'd just throw another £200 and another until I'd pretty much blown it all. I stopped short of blowing every thing and not paying bills or other financial commitments but was well out of control. I'm understanding the roller coaster of emotion and madness I've been on for a couple of years now. But working so hard and blowing every thing I earned has got me depressed. I started drinking a lot more alcohol to self medicate I guess which added to the depression. Business isn't as busy as it was as I kind of neglected it. I can see why and how I've become so down now. I know it's not going to be a quick fix. I've been doing this damage for 20 odd years and it's going to take a while to make it better. I have to continue trying to do positive things and as the mind improves so will other aspects of life. I need to stay away from gambling to do this. I don't see too many positive outcomes at the moment but I know that's depression. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself too, maybe i need to congratulate myself for finally accepting the need to tackle this. I don't feel that way but self loathing can't be good.

That " Deflated" feeling's a real " Bit.ch aint it , it knocks the stuffing right out of you and It's a feeling I've know well myself but you know with time that's going ease right ? and those night's of bad sleep will slowly diminish with time and distance away from gambling .

I'm no wiser than you are as to why it all happens and can't offer you advice you haven't already heard but you have to push through it again an stand up and fight for what you want to achieve . Your not alone in thinking you had a well thought out plan or system as I've tried many myself and just like yourself they were all doomed to failure , the proof in the fact that I'm talking to you now . There's no shame as we all like to be under the illusion we can beat the system , unfortunately I've yet to see that proven in the long term :((.

As much as you don't feel like it at the moment maybe make that business of yours a focal point for awhile ? , I'd been much in the same boat when I came here by neglecting mine but even though it took tremendous effort to get out of bed some mornings and it was certainly an hour or day at at time most day's , I slowly turned things around and watched things slowly flourish , it wasn't the buzz of gambling but it brought back a sense of pride , achievement and effort on my part , which in turn started rebuilding some much needed self esteem .

Nothings going to happen overnight but every journey starts with a first step :))

Stay well my friend :))

The business will be my focal point. I work so hard and long hours on it. I need to expand it and get more staff but I cant seem to focus on too much currently. I know it'll clear in time, i just need to keep taking positive steps. Just severely frustrated with myself for chucking away what should be a great position to develop and improve my life. I'm ready for the fight, and can only now see that the gambling was masking the depression. The dwindling bank balance, weight gain, excessive alcohol intake and distancing myself from my social life are clear indications of the destructive phase I've been living. I'm starting to reverse those slowly. I keep referring to the alcohol issue, I don't drink to the point where I can't function or until everything's gone bit enough at the end of the day to get a little drunk. probably out of boredom too. But not today, a bath and an early night. Hopefully a more positive frame of mind in the morning. Keep well and thanks for the support Alan

Not a great sleep, didn't want to get up. Did and it's turned into a much more positive day. Very productive. Hopefully more to come.

Not too many thoughts of gambling. Had a busy weekend socialising. I really didn't want to go out on Friday night but I forced myself. Glad I did and knew it was depression trying to persuade me not to go. The head was a little fuzzy Saturday morning but got out and had a good day in the sunshine. I feel totally committed to stopping gambling which I hope is why the urges are not to frequent or strong. I feel my whole attitude to money has changed over the last couple of years. Not just as I earned more, and P****d it all away to gambling companies but I did beCome less frugle. Not careless but spending more on others and paying for more things in general. The gambling is still the only careless thing for me regarding money. Im trying to not focus on money to much now, I spend if I want or need to, again not stupidly but without gambling life will take care of itself. And I'll get all the things I want and deserve through all my hard work. Just need to keep making those right choices. I'm sat in the sunshine now feeling positive, Sundays have usually been very low and anxious for me, probably due to knowing I'm going back to work on a Monday having blown the wages before they're earnt . I really hope and intend this to be the end of my obsession and addiction with gambling and wasting loads of money and time. We get one life and I've wasted 20 odd years of my 39 with this addiction. There's been some good bits along the way but it's ruined my relationships due to my attitude and feelings whilst gambling and not putting the effort in to making them work. I know where I could and would be In life had I not set out on this destructive path and I also know where I can get to if I abstain from it. That hopefully also will help me beat the demons. Well f**k the bookies, I'm off to enjoy the next few hours before that beautiful Monday morning arrives 🙁

2 weeks gamble free today. Moods still a bit up and down. It's normally like that in the early part of the week.a few urges but I'm keeping on top of them. A beautiful sunny day outside. Shame I'm working 🙁

Hi N D and congratulations on getting your first fortnight out of the way :))

Hindsight's a wonderfull thing isn't it ? but those mood swing's are a real pain , looking back ( there's the hindsight again ) , mine were at times more like the " Vampire ride " at Chessington , up down and left to right and you think they'll never settle but as we all know they do and will subside , just give yourself some time my friend :))

Never feel shame for working , that's reserved for the gambling :))

Look after yourself ND :))

3 weeks without the destructive gambling. Started to feel a lot better. Really working on letting go of the losses, and fully focused moving forward. Urges still there but won't be acted on. I'm starting to feel positive about myself, and as this increases it won't be ruined by returning to gambling. Might even pop a for a run in a minute. And this bank holiday weekend isn't going to be ruined by despair of chasing losses, it'll be the first in years. Choose life