Choosing life

Day 148. Business continues to keep me busy. All heading in the right direction. Had urges over the weekend but fully aware of the consequences which is why I didn't act on them. Cannot wait for xmas, got a nice holiday booked and it will be enjoyed without the distraction of gambling.

Flat out with work ATM. Plans in place to change this after xmas. Time to start living and looking after myself more. Still no gambling, cut the alcohol back, working lots but feeling really positive. Plans for the furture excite me. Urges still come and go but continue to knock them away. Every day and week that I abstain thoughts become more and more clearer.

Day 172. Urges have been really strong recently. Working lots and I think it stems from the pressure of that. Understanding the harsh reality of the urges and how emotionally controlling of my mind when considering giving into the urges has stopped me succumbing thus far. Obviously things would probably go the same way they have for the last 20 odd years should I give In to the temptation and the shear strength of the urges demonstrates how out of control I'd become should I feed them. Must keep this in mind at all times. Day 172 and the learning curve continues

181 not out!

Urges still fairly strong from time to time. I think And truly hope I understand it'll all unravel if I place that first bet. My self respect has improved a lot as has my effort into my relationships with family and the girlfriend. We've got exciting plans coming up and I will not be throwing away this new found lease of life. I hope gambling is really starting to struggle dealing with my abstainance onwards and upwards I go

Hi New day,

Just read your diary and wanted to say well done on your journey so far. I relate to many of the things you write, particularly when you mentioned rewarding yourself with drinking, food and gambling.

All the best,

paulll

Fell of the wagon and opened an account 4/11/17. Closed the account today. Had a bet on today and during that decided if it comes in I'll withdraw and walk away and give it up. It's been all consuming. I got lucky if that's the right word and recouped most of the losses I've made since giving into the addiction in november. £6800 down at one point. I tried withdrawing from the exchange early on in the episode to be declined and asked to verify my account by sending I'd. I did but it took over a week to verify by which time is lost it all and more. I've withdrew a couple of large amounts over the last week leaving a little play money as I'd think of it in there about £650. I know that's not play money. Having tried to withdraw today to be told that I'd exceeded the withdraw amount for the month which leaves money in there I was heading back into the red of about £1000 when something made me think I want to phone up and ask for my withdrawal to go through and should that say I need to wait until next month I'd tell them to close the account permantley and send the money back. Thankfully it came in because I would've put another bet on to chase the losses otherwise. I was told that I need to send the front and back of my bank cards and then they can increase the limits and I can withdraw it. I've refused and told them to close it, and they said I'd still have to wait until next month until the money gets returned. I said I'd be f*****g delighted to wait and have no further dealing with their company. So I'm back on the wagon, somehow have been through the mill £6800 down to possibly £400 up in the process. Not up in any way shape or form as I've lost well into 6 figures over the years. But I have this stubbornness in me and right now I'm enjoying the arrogance I manged to demonstrate on the phone to them. Maybe another realisation what s**t people these companies are. I've been using peer to peer betting yet still putting every block in place to prevent me taking money back out. True s**m. I feel lucky and fortunate not to feel like I need to chase a loss. Felt it's important to post this on here, I feel a bit ashamed for my actions over the past few weeks but i also know the difference in state of mind since returning to gambling. It stops today and I feel a bit more relaxed that I'm not leaving that play money in there, as I'll only top it up. Back to living life and hopefully put this down to experience. I'm heading for a holiday next week, first in years and am so glad it's not heading into it with gambling loss chasing. Will be exploring options in my return including counselling as I'm aware this is totally got me by the bits and having seen the amount of money placed on bets in the 4-5 weeek period is shocking. Not all money I've put in but as wins are setllled then bet again the amounts are not only alarming but need sorting. Or I can continue the same destructive path I've been living. Hopefully this stubbornness will help the determination to recover for good. Happy xmas all, pleas don't take this as any form of getting out of jail post although I admit it feels like it to me I fully accept that I have to fight for my life here as I'm well out of control and only when gambling is involved.

Hi New Day,

I was wondering what kind of blocks you are planning to put into place. Have you looked at blocking software?

All the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Received a phone call from the VIP department of the betting exchange. Shows how reckless I've been and how low life's the companies are. Pretty determined to tackle this with everything I have

It didn’t end before xmas. For a few days it did. It carried on throughout the holiday going down and then up. And then deon and then up. Consuming all my energy and focus in the process. Have finally excluded all sites I’ve opened with down, day 3 no bets today. Was still money to lose when I excluded but am sick and tired of the restless sleep, the stress of trying to work out ways of winning the money back. 2.2.18 was the last bet. Need to log onHere daily and type in the simple words, Its easier not to place the first bet, but I can not control anything after placing the first bet. The emotional roller coaster that my mind goes on during gambling episodes is crazy, alarming and frightening. I need to type a few words into this site everyday to remind me of this.

37 days. Abstaining is helping me move in the right direction. Must keep working at it. Cannot give in to the urges that come and go. Need to get more rest, have improved my diet and reduced alcohol consumption too. Onwards and upwards

It’s been a tough week. Been pretty annoyed within myself. Tired. Cut the alcohol out for the last few days. Plan to try and kick it totally for a bit. Still abstaining from the gambling. Just feel pretty fed up which I’m putting down to not feeding addiction and working a bit too hard. I think more Sleep is key. Relax the body and mind and start to repair the damage I’ve caused over the years. I know I can do this, and I have no choice but to fight it. I want nice things, and I want my life back.

52 days since my last bet. Alcohol still being reduced. Eating terribly but one thing at time I guess. Been feeling really low, not sleeping great. Plan on a solid break from alcohol to help with the low felllings and disturbed sleep. I’ve really been thinking about how much gambling had dominated my life for the last 20 odd years since my late teens. I’ve had breaks during this time but always slipped back. I think I’d abstain for a while and then fall back into thinking I could control it this time and keep on the merry go round. But know I’m getting the urges and I seem to dismiss them almost instantly with the knowledge of what will happen should I give in for the first bet. What has gone before. But at the same time I think this is contributing to my real lows by awakening to just how stupid, silly and addicted I’ve been to continuously throw everything I worked so hard to get away and repeatedly making the seame mistakes. It’s madness and worries me how I’ve let this go on for 20 years. I will continue to work at beating this and improving all other apescts of my life. I’ve so much good in my life and need to fully focus on that. Odaat

Fighting again. Don’t know how many more fights I’ve got left. Need to stop.

2 weeks clean and not many thoughts of gambling. Been extremely anxious and worried and no thoughts of gambling would come when I feel like that. Just scared about everything. That’s starting to lift I think. Joined GameStop, that stops the online gambling which is my vice. So I can’t gamble the way I want to anymore. I can’t go into a bookmakers and throw away the sums I can secretly online due to the shame of being watched. That sums up the gambling for me. Shameful, deceitful all consuming and dmagong to my life. Really have to stop the self inflicted abuse I’ve causing myself for years. It’s crazy how my brain function, thought process and emotional state goes through when I gamble and ultimately chase losses. I need to work out what the internal issues are within myself that keep leading back to self destruction. I think it’s about the prospect of winning money but it can’t be as I’ve never collected. Any withdrawals have been reversed or deposited again. Big changes are coming up fast for me and need my full attention and the important people in my life also need and deserve a better version of me. Debts are and can be managed without gambling anymore.

Still no gambling. Applied for some cbt sessions. Determined to beat this hideous addiction for good. Saw today the woman from b****5 got £250 million in earnings last year. How this is aloud to happen is barbaric. To receive that sum of money when it comes from feeding on people’s addictions is shocking. I will never contribute another penny to these low life s******s. I’m currently in more debt than I’ve ever been. I’ve worked relentlessly throughout my life and have nothing to show for it. I will stop at nothing to overcome this. Don’t feed the f*****s another penny guys.