Closure - 13th Feb 2014

Many thanks S & Paulll, your comments really help.

Anyway,

Day1
2 stupid and mad days over the weekend. Which I come out of financially unscathed, but mentally I'm in turmoil. First time around, my wife threatened to leave me if I did it again - that was 9 yrs ago. The 2nd bout in 2011, I kept to myself, but this 3rd bout, I think she senses that something isn't right. On Friday, a flyer from one of the Gambling companies arrived on my doormat. I was at work, she pick it up and asked me about it on Sunday night. I didn't say anything, just asked her to bin it. Passed it off as junk mail, but she suspects, although she didn't confront me with it sooner. I've spent some of the morning checking my Casino accounts, self-excluding from accounts with 0 balance including the one I received the flyer for, and withdrawing from accounts which have a balance, once the money is in my account, I'll self-exclude. I have one account though which has a balance running into many thousands, which I've been told I can't withdraw from as I've already reached their monthly withdrawal limit. I've sensibly locked my account by putting in my account details wrongly 3 times. I could leave this in this state for a few weeks before getting it unlocked and attempting to withdraw the money again.
Anyway, I'm terrified / scared of the impact this might have on wife and family if they find out - I can't let this happen because I've got too much too lose. I have a mountain of debt, but I have enough to at least pay the minimum payments + a few extra hundred quid a month. Credit Card debts should be gone in 5yrs - when I'm in my early 50's, another 4/5 years for my mortgage overdraft which is huge as well, and then about another 10yrs to repay the remaining mortgage. Gambling has saddled me with debt which is now becoming a life-long struggle which won't be sorted until both my kids are well into their 20's.

I'm wondering what life would have been like had I'd placed that free £20 bet and had not won (on Fri, 18Sep2009 - yes, the date is imprinted on my brain !) - I probably would have said "that was a waste of time" and it would have been the end of that, but hey-ho, people find themselves in worse predicaments than me.
So think I just need to get back to what I was doing before this madness started, get back to being a Dad and Husband and let this latest episode drift into the past. One things for sure, this episode has given me an almighty jolt, and for today and beyond, Gambling is the furthest thing from my mind.

Day 4

Spent the week self excluding myself from a host of Casinos. However one of the Casinos would not allow me to withdraw unless I met a play through requirement of £50.

The decision to play through was made and took less than 2 mins to achieve, then immediately withdrew then Self-excluded. I'm letting this one go as it was calculated and quick, not reckless and thoughtless. I do have another account which has many thousands which cannot be withdrawn until next month. I've updated the password to this account to something I'll never remember, emailed it to my work account, where I'll copy it to a post it note and put it in one of my files. This will make it impossible to gamble on impulse from home whilst keeping the account open for the time being until I can withdraw the cash.

One bit of good news when I was going through this process is that I found that the amount wasted is quite a lot less than first feared. It's so easy to lose track when you're in the grips of this.

Anyway, I've cleared my head in the last few days, had some early nights, regained a bit of focus at work. Also, no more mention about last weeks flyer by my OH, so I think that side has settled down.

I'm now resting a little easier and looking forward with a bit more vigour and determination.

It's amazing how only a few days from this horrible, misunderstood disease can improve your feeling of well-being and self-worth.

That said, huge huge challenges will lie ahead.

Hi Michael....remember me?! I am still here and pleased to report have just completed my first full year gamble free. I got caught out by the husband on the 9th Nov 2016....it was the most awful couple of weeks but we are in a great place now. I have no access to any credit or debit cards, it's the only way I want to be for the rest of my life. I thought I would struggle but actually it doesn't make a blind bit of difference as long as you have enough cash in your pocket to get you through the week.

I'm sorry to hear you have had another bout of madness, you were doing so well and I always envied you over the past few years having the willpower to get through this all on your own. I know that you will pick yourself back up again. Good luck and maybe keep posting on here even when you do get 6/12/18 months down the line, it's good to check in every now and again just to remind yourself of how absolutely S**t times have been and how far you have come! Lots of Love....Shorty xxxxx

Hi Michael - It's hard to know what to say because I'm just a novice at quitting (11 days gf) but with over a 1000 days gf, you're more than equipped to knock this one on the head in the next round. Your determination really does shine through in your posts and I wish you the very best as you tackle it again.

It's genuinely terrifying how the gambling urges can appear so dormant but can reignite so quickly. I'm glad that you discovered your original loss calculations were less than you originally expected. It's amazing how the negative of a 'less bad' loss can be reframed as a type of gain.

Also, my first very first bets in a casino resulted in a string of quick losses, but it didn't stop me from going back to the tables with a fresh and foolish attitude that luck would someone follow me back in. So, maybe winning or losing at the start makes no real difference. Gambling will dig in claws into us if we're the type of people who it appeals to, no matter what the initial outcome is.

Take care and all the very best

Equinox

Day 9

I really can't understand the last 3 months, as the gambling urges appear to have switched off like a lightbulb again. The urge to gamble just doesn't seem to be there again - and that's worrying in some ways. I don't feel down, or massively stressed - weird. I just don't understand how my mind works at times.

What hasn't changed though is the determination to get this debt shifted. There's about 50-60K of CC Debt on Interest Free or Low interest deals which expire over the next 3 years which I will pay off between each deal expiry - the next one in March. I have the cash for that already, and some of the cash for the next significant payment next Oct, so I should be OK for the next 12 months at least.

Onwards and upwards !!!

Hi Michael,

Hope things are ok?

Day 1

I have really messed up again. Started gambling 2days ago, and by last night I find myself £6000 worse off. What was I thinking ? I’m in a hole which I can’t get out of. Vicious circles everywhere and having crossed that line 4 months ago I’m unable to break out of the awful Gambling cycle.

So why after 1000 days gamble-free am I back here ?

First of all, frustration of all the work and effort of the last 6 yrs appear to have come to nothing. Debt wise, virtually nothing paid and now the debt is worse than ever. An absolute mountain which I’ve attempted to scale time and time again but to no avail.

Work-wise, I’m in an absolute rut - we have no work coming in and I’m utterly bored. But the job pays well, and there is a possibility of Redundancy which would be a significant amount - I literally can’t afford to leave. But the mind wanders so much now at work, and inevitably I have gambling thoughts with easy access. Potential additional monies earned come close, too close to Gambling which I think I need to cut out.

Constantly trying to pick myself up is wearing very thin now - I lack the vitality and optimism I had 6 or 7 years ago. I have 2 kids who will be at University in 3 and 5 years time which will need financing. It’s a real mess.

Drawing a line in the sand now when I realise that I’ll never win this money back and trying to win a few thousand makes no difference whatsoever except making me feel better for a few days which is not what I want if it’s earned from Gambling. Like a drug where I will always come back for more.

I’ve always abstained from Gambling after a big loss - I want this to leave a sour taste in the mouth. If a £6000 loss means I’ll never Gamble again, then it will be money well spent.

I’ve got so much more than money at stake here. A loving wife of 19years, 2 amazing kids, great friends, wonderful parents and family, a lovely house, brilliant holidays, a good job and the list goes on.

“Starting today I need to forget what’s gone, appreciate what still remains and look forward to what’s coming next”

2nd December 2017 is the day I Draw the Line In the Sand.

Having calmed down, I've realised that the amount lost is alot less than first thought. About 25% less. I've also realised that out of the amount lost, I've earned around 2/3rds of that amount through overtime and extra work already and it'll take around 1000days to cover the rest of it. This doesn't mean I will be debt-free, the remaining debt however will not be attributable to gambling.
The whole reason for gambling has been in order to chase loses. When I'm not making progress, that's when I get most frustrated and more liable to fall off the wagon. As long as I know that those debts are reducing, then I'm calm and won't stray into to gambling.
I've been gamble-free for 1000days in the past, so just need to follow that again. I need to start updating this diary daily as a matter of course - I want to chart my recovery day-by-day.

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