So what am I thinking?
I guess I am thinking what are my triggers. Interesting when all is quiet I can hear my neighbour gambling in the flat next to me – praying it will stop so I can just block out the familiar sound. I doubt it and I expect it will be an all night session, who I am to talk I would be the same had I not lost it all.
So I lost all my savings ..Thousands. I am not sure i can even type it without puking.. I have struggled badly for the last two weeks. I often feel like a crazy person. So here I am living this double life.
I must get up early for work but every night I can’t sleep. I’m forcing myself to eat so that I can keep up my strength to get to work.
My family are my triggers and I am their financial crutch I have stopped the cycle. I am the only one to blame but saying no has been an important step although I feel awful saying no . So I have closed my account and installed a block (one that is slowly causing my laptop to die) I still have my phone but it is a work phone so dare not put anything on that plus if I really wanted to gamble I would just buy another right.
I have told one or two people as been so low. I haven’t hurt anyone so I guess I am lucky in that respect. I have a massive amount of issues (terminally ill family member) so I know the only way I can save us all is to start saving again.
I guess I am lucky that I did not do any further damage and spiral into debt. How does a bank allow you to lose 15k in a night? Not a lot of duty of care there but in reality why should they care as It was my actions that have led to my current situation.
I am not well I know that but I am hoping it will pass. Not bothered about the money lost at all. I have all bills paid and up to date enough light, heat and food and travel money. I have some saving started already so that is a huge plus.
I will sell some things to clear my credit card of the £100 on it so it’s all within reach.It’s a long time until pay day again but I will do this. I think all I am looking for is someone to tell me it’s all going to be ok.
I am a relapser - J so I did 3 years GF but then a massive binge . So back to being a few weeks free.
Doing OK for me is not Gambling I have massive urges and I am not sure why? Is it to put back the finance? if that’s why then what’s gone is gone so not going to chase as I know I will never win back the amount I have lost . Everyone says i’m a nice person but in reality I feel like a loser.
So I guess this is cold turkey 🙂 which would explain a lot. At least with cold turkey you know the suffering will end as if I go back to gambling it will only continue.
I can’t relinquish my finances to anyone so this will be a toughie – so I think I need to stop online banking so that I can’t transfer any money. So at night often after midnight I am consumed by gambling thoughts – why don’t I just sleep like normal people and nothing replaces that. Maybe I wll try some Nytol.
I need this diary to pick out positives that I have in my life.
Sammy
Doing Ok I think. Less crazy and hanging on to the the cash i have
Sammy
x
Welcome Sammy, here you are amongst friends who can empathise with your gambling issues. I personally enjoy putting thoughts down on the diaries and feel a sense of solidarity with my fellow travellers.
Very impressed with the 3 years gamble free you achieved. It shows you have what it takes to say no.
Admittedly it is very difficult to stop gambling and many of us suffer setbacks. However, we only have to stop for 1 day at a time and the days soon mount up. If we have a bad day we just have to live with it or distract ourself with other activities.
I was pleased reading that you are not bothered about the money you have lost, that will really work in your favour. A stumbling block for many of us is accepting that the money we have given the bookies is gone forever. Compulsive gamblers have a nasty habit of fruitlessly trying to win it back and incurring more losses.
I believe it is imperative that we draw a line under our gambling and leave it in the past. Better to live for today and look towards the future. Wishing you well...stephen
Stephen the Stoic wrote:
Welcome Sammy, here you are amongst friends who can empathise with your gambling issues. I personally enjoy putting thoughts down on the diaries and feel a sense of solidarity with my fellow travellers.
Very impressed with the 3 years gamble free you achieved. It shows you have what it takes to say no.
Admittedly it is very difficult to stop gambling and many of us suffer setbacks. However, we only have to stop for 1 day at a time and the days soon mount up. If we have a bad day we just have to live with it or distract ourself with other activities.
I was pleased reading that you are not bothered about the money you have lost, that will really work in your favour. A stumbling block for many of us is accepting that the money we have given the bookies is gone forever. Compulsive gamblers have a nasty habit of fruitlessly trying to win it back and incurring more losses.
I believe it is imperative that we draw a line under our gambling and leave it in the past. Better to live for today and look towards the future. Wishing you well...stephen
Thank you Stephen. so kind of you to take the time to post. Your a good egg as they say.
Sometimes I feel old and foolish 🙂 so back on the savings . I really do think I need help as driving myself insane. I'm in the angry with myself phase at the moment which is not a lot better than the depression phase but at least the phases are moving. Its been a really tough month and one of massive regret which has made me reflect on my life.
Here's to better times. Sammy x
Been busy but Ok still GF. YAY
🙂
All you can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. However I would suggest you need some sort of counselling, I think you deserve some time to speak about your journey. Take care. Julie xx
​
Julie_36 wrote:
All you can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. However I would suggest you need some sort of counselling, I think you deserve some time to speak about your journey. Take care. Julie xx
​Thank you appreciate your post.
Today has been ok off work tomorrow and a lot to do . I can do this. I just dont know whether to sell all my stuff or not maybe i should as its only stuff putting the money back in my bank would help I think.
Sammy x
Hi emptyp2 ( Sammy ) thank you for your kind post , we are battling these phases one day calm next day stressed and anxious its a nightmare , if u need funds then sell unwanted items but if is for peace of mind, remember it took us a long time to lose we have to be patient and build our funds , and am pay debts back slowly so we don't leave ourselves with no money its hard I know I feel the same I want to pay debts off as fast as I can as I don't want them hanging over me , but I can't at the moment so have to live day to day and try and ride these horrible waves of emotions going up and down , hope you have had a calm peaceful day another day done .......Pink
Pink 2018 wrote:
Hi emptyp2 ( Sammy ) thank you for your kind post , we are battling these phases one day calm next day stressed and anxious its a nightmare , if u need funds then sell unwanted items but if is for peace of mind, remember it took us a long time to lose we have to be patient and build our funds , and am pay debts back slowly so we don't leave ourselves with no money its hard I know I feel the same I want to pay debts off as fast as I can as I don't want them hanging over me , but I can't at the moment so have to live day to day and try and ride these horrible waves of emotions going up and down , hope you have had a calm peaceful day another day done .......Pink
Thank you Pink , You are right . I am up and down but going to do my best to make tomorrow a good day. I had the urge today but told my self that would be really stupid.
Sammy x
So at the end of the month I will have pretty much got myself back to a good place. Savings in the bank and all daily living and no debts. So know I'm back on the straight and narrow and feel like something is missing 🙁
Doing ok and still GF.
I'm GF free recently and life is on track. I now have savings and although I need to strim the garden life is pretty much in order. Every Sunday night I do an "investment in me" which could be anything from shower, clean bedding and fresh Pj's. I went minimalist and sold most of my belongings to put the cash back in the bank . I don't honestly miss any of the stuff. I am in acceptance mode now and will leave the past in the past and focus on my future.
Hi Emptyp2
Thankyou for the post / positive comment - much appreciated.
Glad to read you’ve got yourself into a good place and that your looking forward to the future as that’s the priority now. Keep doing the good things that are working for you and stay positive mate, well done on 43 days gf - great effort.
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Thank you for the posts guys. Waiting for payday Friday . So pleased with what i have achieved in the last month.
Still not sleeping and having the odd wobbly thoughts but going to smash this once and for all.
Sammy
If you have trouble sleeping, may as well use your time to relax and enjoy yourself. If you like films (specifically marvel ones) you should re watch all of them and then when you get paid Friday go and see avengers infinity war 🙂 that should keep you busy and keep your mind if gambling for a short while.
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