My recovery , well I call it recovery but this habit was / is hanging over my life forever & a more.
It all started at a young age , holidays to the seaside in the summer the one arm bandits , the horse racing 10p machine and the machine that pushes 2 pence to another level in the hope some pennies drop below and this was the start of my gambling life.
My dad who is now passed away used to bet on the horses a lot and I would always follow him to the bookies and place small bets on the horses , in them days there was only horses / dogs to bet on and the horse racing I really enjoyed , I remember Minnehomma winning the grand national in the 90s , I had £1e/w on the horse and was overjoyed when it won at 20/1 , most weekends I would follow my dad to the bookies and place small bets on horses and gambling on horses was just a fun past time.
My self destruct button always came on the fruit machines , when I was 15 years old I could never accept losing on the stupid fruit machines and would always push & push until I either won my money back or lost the lot , I remember I saved about 3-4 weeks of my paperround / spending money in a jar and once in a fit of rage emptied the jar to chase my losses and ended up with nothing , granted it was only £15 - £20 but that wasnt the point , I had chased my losses and I remember after losing feeling empty that I had lost the lot and had no money to look forward to for weeks.
From there came another moment when I visited a fruit machine place with a friend at a local attraction fun fair , we lost all our money on the fruit machines even our bus fares and faced 2 hour walk home , we joked what we would do if we found some money and as we walked home sure enough lay a few pound coins & a note , enough to get us both home on the bus , drinks & even something to eat , but yep you guessed it we raced back to the fruit machines and blew the lot , that made the second attempt at a walk home even longer with that same empty feeling.
Then my late teens / early 20s consisted of every weekend drinking / fruit machines and basically throwing every last penny on drink & fruit machines , god only knows at the jackpots were only small.
When I eventually settled down into my first serious relationship gambling seemed to take a back seat , I would only ever gamble on horses and my gambling appeared to go from manic sessions on a fruit machine to calmer Saturday afternoon watching channel 4 racing and enjoyment life was good.
Then a series of my partner miscarrying and leading to our break up , changing jobs led me back to my old pub way of life and back on the fruit machines at the pub , gambling heavier at the bookies but then the killer the FOBT roulette was introduced.
Whilst fuit machines took lots of money from you , the horses were managable in my head I always seemed to do ok from horses , unfortunately the FOBT's for someone with a problem like mine is completely different.
I then went through a manic 1-2 months gambling my brains out on these things experiencing highs / lows until the lows turn into disaster and you no longer have any money at all , making excuses up , borrowing , selling things , going to the supermarket with your copper jar just to get another fix it was awful.
I remember after this two months going home crying myself to sleep and even considered for the first time ever taking my own life , things had got that bad I was at the lowest point in my life , this pain felt 100 times worse than losing people in my family who died , how can that be that this pain was so so great.
I went to the doctor and he signed me off work and I used the next month to try and completely forget about gambling , went swimming every day , went to the gym and tried to live the life I wanted to lead but my addiction prevented it happening.
I then went for some sessions with a counseller to discuss my gambling problems but my guard was up and I never let her get close enough to me to properly judge my condition and give me advise and as time went on I made my excuses and stopped the sessions.
I have always gone through weeks / months on ths forum and then fallen off the wagon , I was even in a position a few months ago where I wanted to stop gambling , obviously everyone wants to stop but also thinking that in your head and convinced you wont gamble again is slightly different , finally my time had come , I had signed off with a big win on the fobts , my head was in the right place and could finally put this to bed.
I was doing really well but then the weekend just gone I was out with friends watching football , when football had finished we walked to the next pub but past the bookies , I let my guard slip and before I knew it 2 hours had passed , id left my friends in the pub and I was pumping £20s into the machine like there was no tomorrow , not good by the time I had lost my money , been to the cash machine and blew that too I was penniless and walking home , my friends had already got annoyed and left the next pub in taxis.
Monday came and at lunchtime I drove to the bookies , followed my same pattern and thankfully managed to win back most of my previous days losses , but the amount of times ive chased and its turned into disaster doesnt bare thinking about.
I should be happy that ive won back what I lost and can use the money for this coming weekend , my weekend away to my favourite seaside town and enjoy it , but where as before I wanted and convinced myself to stop gambling or at least try today I actually want to gamble , that is the most worrying thing because I know it will only lead to one thing yet I still want to do it , I must be stupid.
I think with the voice in my head being the way it is I will have to have photos done at lunchtime and self exclude from all 4 of the bookies i pass - come into contact with to try and fight this.
Whilst I am not convinced I want to stop because after all I am an addict and want to feed my addiction , I need to start again like I was a few weeks ago taking each day as it comes and the small victory that comes each day not going into the bookies.
Lots of stories on here start with the small time fruit machines as children and lots and I mean lots end up like me , being a lunatic and gambling my last penny away on the fobt.
If anyone has been in a position where they convinced thereselves to stop and actually wanted to stoo gambling , how they have progressed and made that work for them.
I hope to be back in a position where I convince myself I will not gamble , but honestly I am not there right now.
I have done exactly the same thing...like many others...do your best to stop...Try not to think about the losses..move forward and take control of your life...
Easy li£e
HI John,
What a story fella, but then reading so many diaries on here its a common one. First of all well done on coming back for some people that takes courage.
Im sure your aware of this but this addiction is progressive in its nature, and no win is ever enough, my addiction had just started progressing to Roulette and towards the end i couldnt lose my money quick enough, that was my rock bottom and hopefully coming here has stopped that progression even further, Im not in massive amouts of debt, but its the not yet syndrome, i know if i carry on gambling im only my next bet away from that.
Maybe you havent reached your rock bottom yet ? I suppose you have to get to a point where you want to stop, when you do there is lots of support but ive found that if im not open and honest with myself about it then ive lost already.
For me my recovery has been about not just stopping gambling but trying to look at myself and understand why, not everyone can understand it but im trying to for me. I know i used gambling as an emotional crutch, when things got tough and i couldnt or wouldnt tackle things, i gambled, I know that i gamble when im bored rather than get off my a**e and do something constuctive, I took the easy option and gambled. I know that gambling has eaten me from the inside out and taken away the most precious thing that money cant buy which is time. I know all these things because every morning i wake up and tell myself "Just for today i will not gamble" sounds stupid but for me it really works, i can fight this one day at a time, forever now thats a different thing, but i can do it in small chuncks everyday.
Jon, i really hope you can get to point where you want to stop gambling.
I wish you strength, hope and courage in your journey, stay close to your diary, read others you will get lots of inspiration and hope from them.
One day at a time.
Blondie day 24 x
hi johnb,
i think its time to be determined to stop gambling.it has ruined my life completely, everyone in this forum suffers from gambling.
put barriers and start counting days, there is no other way.i dont know why i started gambling compulsively.i m trying to learn the reasons in GA meetings.
change lifestyle, change attitude, change philosophy.read other diaries, realise that you are not alone in this battle.but first convince yourself that you want to stop gambling.
take care
mike
Hey John
I could have written your first post almost identically, and so could many others on this site.
I think the question we need to ask ourselves is how low are we prepared to go? We have not reached our rock bottom, but will we ever? Why wasn’t the time you were signed off work for a month your rock bottom? What will it take? Do you want to be having this conversation in 20 years time, were will we be then? Homeless? Prison?
I don’t have the answers but im sure I don’t want to go any lower so one day at a time it is for me.
Keep posting
Hi john
Welcome and u can see already how supportive this site is , there's lots of advice that u will be given so take as much on board as possible
I think most of us will agree that there becomes a point where enough is enough and u just know u av to stop but most importantly want to
Gambling will do one thing only and that is destroy ur life it will take everything from u and will never stop
Ultimately only u can make the decision to stop there will always be problems in ur life to deal with its tough but face up to them
Make that decisions every day not to gamble and be proud of urself when u don't and then the belief and the confidence will come back and then u can go on and beat this addiction
I wish u all the best in ur recovery
Castle2
Staying very strong and having a massive determination to stop this madness really is the key to leading a gamble-free life.
I had a similar story to you and I feel proud to actually use the word "had" and not "have".
Trust me, leading a gamble-free life really is the way forward. You really need to experience it and you will reap the rewards. Without having to read my whole diary, I can summarise myself by saying that I am beginning to really reap the rewards but I am not quite there yet. Hence my name!
Have you got as many blocks in as you can get? I have found this to be vital in my recovery journey and can only wish that I did all those years ago.
All the very best.
NT
On the third day and in similar position to most times Saturday comes with memories of many great horse racing wins from the bookies. However today I will not gamble.
hey John,
I read all of your story i was like you betting as a kid in the arcades on the piers or amusements and then wen i hit 18 pubs and onto the bandits then i discovered the FOBT and before i know it i have lost all my money and in debt with 2 loans to pay off. My all time low came when i had been lying to my fiancee for months she thought i had stopped gambling thats when i got a secret loan and gambled it all away i just couldnt stop myself. I felt so depressed and was thinking this is the end for me i have never felt so sad or low in my life.
I just hope your rock bottom is an early grave mate. I was lucky i hav such a supportive fiancee who chose to stick by me and support me but she gave me a CHOICE thats the big word it was give up gambling or lose everything and i mean everything. Thats the decision i made. I stopped for the sake of living and my soon to be wife and life itself. I would have been branded the biggest loser if i carried on gambling lost everyone and everything and took my life that would of been such a cowards way out. But im going to take this on determined to stop.
I really hope you can find something worth living for and fighting for to help you stop gambling because i wouldnt want to see that gambling has once again won and destroyed somebody. You will find so much support on this site and everybody here has similar problems I hope this posts helps a little sorry for rambling on so much.
Stay strong mate all the best
Ricky
Its very true that the FOBT has now taken the fun away from gambling , reading many peoples views about how they would gamble in a responsible and controlled manner , your Saturday horses or football bets but the FOBT now means you can lose £500.00 in 5 minutes and within 1 hour lose your entire life savings.
I have managed to stay away from the bookies and now trying to piece things back together hoping I dont fail again.
So far so good I even managed a weekend at the seaside full of amusements and didnt go on one arcade.
Im determined to stop but the downside is the grumpy feelings im having at the moment like something has been taken away from me , im still getting my head round not betting and trying to deal with so much all at once isnt good.
Anyway today I will not gamble and I will deal with tomorrow when I get there
Hello John B, JohnO here, thanks for sharing your story and I hope you will continue this new journey. I think sometimes we delude ourselves that life is supposed to be a bed of roses and the first thorn that shows up completely destabilizes us, and becomes a reason to self gratify, gamble, drink, smoke, sleep around whatever..
I was going to write this in my journal, but as I am here I hope you will take it at face value, I honestly dont think we have a roack bottom, unless death, as CG's we have the ability to devise wicked and more wickeder ways of feeding our habit (I am ashamed to mention the things that I have done) and how many times I have felt it could not get any worse, but each time it has. So my philosophy has become, today is as bad as it will get and if I stick to working through each day, life may have its challenges, but I will not be adding to them. The other thing again, I wanted to put in my diary is my ability to allow one hiccup no matter how large or small to spoil my whole day and get me to forget all the good that the day has yielded. I think I will copy and paste this and sorry for the rambling.
I guess its a case of taking each day as it comes and if I try to fill up my day with things to do and occupy my mind the task is made slightly easier.
No point setting myself any goals at this stage just try and stay gamble free for as long as poss , if I have a few blips on the way so be it I guess its about changing my habits and not beating myself up if I have a blip.
If I can stay away from the roulette my problem is solved
Seems more and more people are falling into the FOBT trap not a good sign some heart breaking stories on here recently.
HI John,
Thanks for your post on my diary.
Yes things seem to be crystal clear now the gambling goggles are well and truly off. I have found G.A very helpfull, its not for everyone but it works for lots of people, I was determined to stop and would of tried standing in the corner on my head for a few days if it helps me arrest this addiction. lol
Your doing great, I see you post on other peoples diary lots but you dont post on yours much.. Glad to see your doing well.
Take care.
Blondie :0
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