My Diary Day 2 (and take 2)
Hey Diary, how I've missed you....
I was a member here years ago. Remember? The gambling addict that was a repetitive relapser and then I miraculously quit for 3/4 years and yet here I am again. Why? because i'm a f*****g idiot that's why, a self destructing moron that has just realised that I've been lying to myself from the beginning and the pathetic lies I've been telling myself for the last 12 years out of the 22 years I have been gambling are exactly that... LIES.
The truth is I cant afford to mess up again, mentally, emotionally, physically or financially, so I have to do this right this time and start from the beginning. I'm really trying to work this s*** out and giving an honest account to how I got to where I did on Saturday 22nd Feb 2020, I believe is paramount to my recovery....
Let's Do This:
I had what I thought was a reasonably common childhood. My father was a violent male chauvinist pig that beat my mother, my mother was scared of him and therefore very strict on my sibling and I. Ok, in hindsight I possibly have massive daddy issues as I probably spent the majority of my life looking up to this fool as well as seeking his never giving approval.
My father is lets say quite 'cold' as is most of the family on his side, my mother however and her side of the family are very loving and warm. Oh how I loved spending time at my grandparents when I was little. By the age of 5, my Grandad who loves a Guinness would take me to the pub with him on a Friday night and I would be in awe of the flashing lights of the one armed bandits. I would innocently point to them and soon we would be pulling up a chair whilst I sat on my Grandads knee and pressed the b*****d button over. and. over. again.... Lights flashing, wheels whirring, features coming.... It was so hypnotising and by the age of 16 If I was ever near anywhere harbouring a slot machine, that would be where you'd find me.
I rebelled to say the least and got pregnant at 17. Unsurprisingly to me now, my so called father gave me an ultimatum to either have an abortion or get out. Never being one to suffer bullies gladly, off my pregnant self went, leaving my parents middle classed household in exchange for a park bench for two days and then one rat infested hostel after another after another...... The slot shops as I used to call them became a way of life for me, probably to escape my not so brilliant life but despite how it must have looked to the outsider and the mice breeding in my skirting boards and under my bed, I really thought (and still think) I was happy. I had given the middle finger to the male chauvinist pig that is my father, I was having my baby, the father of my child had promised to stand by me, I had FREEDOM. Back then I used to play really low cost spins, it must have been pretty impossible to lose more than £40 on these at one sitting which is more than I could afford during those times so I thought I was ‘lucky’ that I used to win the majority of the time back then. I started frequenting these places a lot playing these low stakes until something amazing happened - or so I thought!
Whilst a mate was celebrating becoming 18 round a table in a pub one evening, I was in a dark corner somewhere wanting to punch a FOBT in it's stupid screen face because I'd put in 3 times the jackpot already and still not had a sniff of a payout. I was being utterly unsociable losing money whilst school friends were unknowingly gossiping. I was sat at this particular machine when I got the call that would change my life forever.
It was in relation to a very lucrative job that I had applied for which would pay me at least 4x an average annual salary at 18 years old!!
That's all I can write now, I am so drained.
To be continued.....
Em,
You sound exhausted. Take your time. The support is here for you x
And yes I am @russ_789 ‘s number one girl fan ?
Good Evening Emily,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for the kind words on my diary.
Without knowing you at all, and having only one post to base my opinion on, I have concluded that you are a woman of courage and great strength. That in itself is character traits which will greatly benefit you as you navigate towards your new fabulous life away from gambling.
It would appear that through childhood into adulthood you have endured a lot, witnessed a lot and lived through a lot of difficult times. Yet here you are embarking on a new journey towards a better future. No matter the historical reasons for your gambling you will definitely possess the ability to navigate away from this towards a happier and more positive future.
For me, change is always most difficult at the beginning and becomes progressively easier as time goes on. One day you’ll find yourself not having to try so hard for change because change will have already happened. Until then, I try to remind myself of the benefits of not gambling as opposed to focussing on anything else. Tonight, I’ll go to sleep without regret, worry or fear. I won’t worry about money or time lost and I wont dwell on lies I didn't tell.
At the beginning, read lots, learn lots and post lots and see where it takes you. I think your going to do fine.
Good luck.
RR
Hello Emily... I hope you have an easy day today.. Life certainly needs to give you some slack.. An inspiring diary indeed.
Take care
Boo
???
Disclaimer: Please do not read this if triggered by gambling terminology, wins and/ or losses. It's my diary and I'm finding this extremely therapeutic but do not want to trigger anyone else in their recovery. It's obviously not a victory story, I wouldn't be here if i had that.
I haven't eaten, I haven't slept but I also haven't gambled.
Lets continue...
So there I am at 18 years old, a baby still in terms of finances with a baby, now making a small fortune. Myself and my partner still frequented slot shops and I moved from the penny machines to the machines with 3 figure jackpots. I cannot actually remember wether I won or lost but I know I definitely don't think I was a problem gambler at this stage.
Despite my eldest child's father living the life of Riley, I think his ego got the better of him as he could not deal with me being the breadwinner, he became extremely jealous, possessive and verbally abusive. We broke up and he slept with my best friend, this absolutely devastated me.
I had money but I had never felt so alone. Cue all the hanger on'ers as I call them, the parasites that I would meet at night clubs where I would easily drop thousands for a table filled with alcohol. The parasites would drink my drink, smoke my smokes and tell me they're my best friends. They were not.
One day I met an Irish guy in the VIP area of a London nightclub. We started talking and turned out he reared dogs. It was all he talked about and being a slot girl I had zero interest in any of it, in fact I remember him irritating the hell out of me. Anyway before he left he threw a few hundred down on his table for the waiters as a tip and asked if I could make sure they get it. I was like 'sure' then he smiled, walked over, put his hand in his coat pocket and gave me a wad of rolled up notes in a rubber band. He then whispered in my ear to put ALL of this onto something called a straight tricast I think it was... and a specific order of numbers which I still remember to this day. He left the club - I counted the money. Total - A monkey
Was he off his f******g rocker?!!! Who gives that kind of money to someone you don't even know and as if I was going to put a monkey on some stupid dogs. Never going to happen,
BUT what did happen was far worse as this day mapped out the next 22 years of hell (maybe it was this day) - I'm still trying to work all this out.
Anyway back to it. I had been to Bingo and the slot shops but I had NEVER entered a bookies. So off I went in my suit dress and Jimmy Choo heels to our grungy local. On entering I immediately felt like I had walked in there b**t naked as the looks I got were of total shock. Determined not to be made to feel uncomfortable, I walked with conviction over to the cashier and asked him to pick his jaw up off the floor. He quickly came to and I threw down a measly tenner asking to place this very specific bet. He gave me a bit of paper and I didn't know what to write, I eyed the room and noticed a guy smiling at me that used to live in my old hostel. I asked for his help to write this bet to which he eyed me suspiciously but wrote it down in the correct way for me and I gave it back to the tiller with the tenner. There were a few hours before the race and I spotted a familiar looking friend. It looked like a futuristic FOBT - "Right up my street" I thought. However on approaching the thing it didn't have my normal slot options. It was like some touch screen thing and this irritated me before I even put a penny in there. I saw two other gentleman playing roulette so I thought I'd try my luck on that. This doesn't require any skill I thought. I played, I won, I lost, I won again, ultimately I lost but it was more fun than I predicted and I was 'only' playing to bide time.
The race started and my old hostel buddy called me over to watch on a television screen. The place smelt like damp. I remember noticing that then. Some sort of gun went off, dogs started running, I had no idea what was going on but by this point everyone in the bookies knew about my very specific bet. I think everyone was cheering dogs on for me, very bizarre but they crossed the line and once again silence fell in the shop and jaws hit the floor. `Those d**n mutts that look like they need to be fed more had only placed in the exact order I gave. My friend said "S*** Em, you won"... I remember responding "yay" in a ditzy girly manner and returned to the cashier to collect my 'winnings' which I now refer to as 'gambling tokens' because there is no such thing as winnings for a gambling addict.
It was my turn to be utterly shocked. I had won a lot for the bet placed.... You would think I would be happy..... I was not.... I was FURIOUS. The next question "well how much would I have won if I had put the whole lot down"??????? Enough to retire was the grim answer. I felt the room spin, anyone else would have been happy with what they did have. Writing this diary and remembering this event has got me questioning if this was it. It frustrated me for many years. I believe this event pushed a switch in my brain. It felt like I had lost that money (which I never even had). We all know what loss triggers in a gambler....
The Chase.
To be Continued...
Am looking forward to the next chapter.... 🙂
Nice to meet you in chat today , keep looking rnd the diary’s they was a great help for me , hope to follow you on your journey xx
Absolutely loving reading your honest version, I totally understand the feeling of a loss as a result of not putting down what you was told to put, many times I've thought about an amount on a bet, put lesser on and watch it win to then feel like I should have gone with my gut so I try and win what I just missed out on!!.
Look forward to reading more
Stay strong x
Was nice chatting in chat today, stay strong
Stace
The pungent scent of stale beer was coming from the breath of one of the men talking at me.
”how did you know”
was the question on everyone’s lips, I told the story of the Irish guy I met in a nightclub occupying the table next to mine and the voices raised...
”you mean you had a tip-off and didn’t say anything”?
”how could you only put a tenner on a guaranteed cert”?
”have you got his number”?
My head was spinning, the room was spinning, I felt sick to the Pitt if my stomach... WHY?? I should have been elated but I was too caught up with what I ‘should’ have done and what I ‘should’ have won. As the voices of the men in the bookies trailed off into conspiracy theories and talks of ‘fixed’ races, I knew what I had to do... I had to find the Irish guy. If I find him, I could have a second chance....
Brilliant idea!
the staff at the nightclub must have thought I was crazy...
“have you seen an Irish guy, about so high, brown hair, I think brown eyes”...
bloody ridiculous and unsurprising that I didn’t find him even after revisiting the club at least 5 times. Probably a good thing in hindsight as I’m sure he would have reported me for stalking if I had. So that was it... no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for me but the monster had been awoken.
I ventured back to the bookies and tried my own luck. Horses, dogs, football, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing but between every race I’d hit the Roulette machine. I started to get the hang of it and looking back I started to develop this dangerous pattern. Place a lowish bet, that would come in, get P****d that I hadn’t bet more so increase my bet, that would loose. Keep the bet high hoping it would come in again..... It rarely did. Close to running out of money I lower the bet, that would win, P****d again and repeat. I started to get a lot of people crowding round watching me play and whilst it wasn’t too bad when I was winning, when loosing this would REALLY irritate me. People shouting “put something on neighbours” and other unhelpful advice just threw me off and I would often think get your own f*****g money out and put it on neighbours.
One particular day I got to the bookies and as per usual, I’ve pulled my hood up in shame, hoping nobody I knew would see me go in but I noticed a homeless guy sitting outside. I thought this an odd place to set up camp as nobody in there had much money and any money they did have was being used for a punt. He looked cold and starving so I pulled a crisp 20 out of my handbag and gave it to him before I walked in. He jumped up thanked me profusely and ran across the road. About 10 minutes later he was back inside the bookies with a Tesco bag filled with food. This scenario repeated many times and almost every time it did and I lost, I would regret giving the 20 to him as it would have given me one last shot...
I’m a terrible person.
I had been trying to redeem dog ‘gate’ for about 3/4 months when one day I lost a few thousand on the stupid roulette. I was in a complete state, I had never spent that much gambling before this. I called my friend from the hostel and he brought a guy with him who was meant to be ‘good’. I went to the ATM drew out my last 100 and gave it to him. I watched as he turned it into everything I had lost. I could not believe it but I realised perhaps there is a skill that I didn’t have and I was DONE with roulette, the bookies and their watching lurchers, dogs and Irish men that bred them. I missed the safety of my slots where you just push a button.
I’d had a lucky escape and I was going back to the slot shops...
Yesterday I Did Not Gamble
Today I Did Not Gamble
Tomorrow I Won’t Gamble Either
Despite today being the first day I’ve really eaten anything, I am feeling REALLY tired and lethargic. Need this to get better
Em x
Em,
I really do recognise the pain you are going through. I know it's not always easy to share on here. If I can help in any way, just let me know.
Murlo (female ?)
Dear Diary
Unfortunately I had to attend my Grandmothers funeral on Thursday. It was tough, it was emotional and it took the last bit of energy I had but I said my goodbyes and feel like I have some closure. Last night I wanted so badly to gamble but I didn’t. I’m now 6 days free and starting to get my appetite back but notice I’ve lost a lot of weight and for someone that’s already slim this is not brilliant.
I rarely gamble during the week so as long as I can make it through another night I should be plain sailing until the end of next week and all the bills and wages will be paid. I listened to one of Russ’s podcast on Wednesday night with my partner which was brilliant and then got some good financial news in relation to my business. Wednesday ended up being a good day.
Looking forward to continuing writing down my memories here and hopefully will be able to make sense of the last 22 years eventually.
until then... I’m trying my best to stay strong.
Just for today, I will not gamble
Em x
I was back in my familiar and what I thought 'safe' slot shop, a dingy place that was part of a well known chain.
They had new machines!
The jackpots had increased as had the maximum bet per spin. I tried many of them and soon found my favourites. I played often, I lost 70% of the time but when I won I would tell friends and my mother. They all started to think I was extremely lucky but they didn't know about the regular losses.
I would regularly visit the ATM across the road for more cash, change it up into coins at the cashier desk and then bung the lot in the choice of the day slot machine. The slot shop closed at 10pm and I'd often be there till the end, begging them to hold the machine until the following morning. I'd then not sleep and drag myself out of bed at the crack of dawn to get back when it opened at 9am. I only worked part time and was still making good money but this left far too much time for me to gamble out of boredom. Annoyingly my lurkers from the bookies had heard I was now spending money at the slot shop and many of them followed me there when their money had run out, to watch me lose mine. My homeless buddy also frequently came in and silently watched me play, I still occasionally gave him money...
My obsessive and compulsive pattern was causing me to become a wreck, I wasn't eating well so had lost a lot of weight, my day to day grooming was being neglected and quite often I didn't even run a comb through my hair. My detrimental routine was about to come to a head.
I had stayed away from the slot shop for a few weeks after losing a significant amount in the week before. When I returned I noticed a new slot machine. It looked fun and was associated to the Irish... I'm not sure if I saw this as a sign but I decided to play it. I lost hundreds that day, I saved the machine overnight and lost many more hundreds the next day. This continued for 5 days. The only witness was the homeless guy. On day 5 I had run out of money, I had spent all the money in my bank, my credit cards and my savings from my mums house. The damage was thousands and I was distraught. As the last tenner went in, the homeless guy finally spoke. He said "Em are you sure you want to put your last tenner in, wont you need it for your daughter", I looked at him in pure disgust, then tears started to flow as I brashly told him that a tenner would make no difference to my life at this point. This machine 'had' to pay out... It just 'had' too! as the last tenner was spun out to no avail, rage took over me. I stormed over to the cashier and shouted at her that the machine 'must' be fixed. There had to be something wrong with it. I mean I would need to win 9 jackpots in a row to even get my money back!. The cashier was pretty ignorant which enraged me more. In a fleeting moment of madness, I picked up a metal legged stool by the cashier desk, walked over to the offending slot machine and dropped the stool down onto it with every bit of strength I had left.
SMASH
There was glass everywhere, the cashier started screaming that she's calling the police and I fell into a heap on the floor. I think I must have blacked out as the next thing I know I was in a local park with my homeless acquaintance. Turns out he had scooped me up and got me out of there. He had also bought me a coke (for the sugar), a bottle of water and my favourite sandwich from the local supermarket. I broke down again and he told me not to cry, the slot shop cashier had called the owner who told her to tell the police it was an accident and surprisingly they were not going to press charges but I was banned for life.. My homeless friend then pulled out £60 from his pocket and stuffed it into my hand. He told me it was all he had and for me to take it and get myself sorted out and that this was the best thing that could have happened to me. I felt bad taking his money knowing he had very little but I was also now smack bang in reality and knew I needed it. I could not believe his act of kindness and told him I would not forget it. I took his number and then walked all the way home as getting a taxi was out of the question.
The long walk gave me a chance to clear my head and the thoughtful sandwich gave me the much needed nutrients and energy I needed to make it home. The more I walked the lighter I felt. When I got back home I signed into Gamcare, I was already a member but often lied about not gambling when really I had. The first few months were hard emotionally but due to being barred from my local haunt, I physically could not go back and this gave me no other option. I suppose I am not brilliant with change and therefore had no interest in trying to seek out a new slot establishment within a different chain
I stayed clean of gambling for 3/4 years. During this time my hostel friend sadly passed away due to a drug overdose, this hit me hard. I also did not forget my homeless friend and I met him in a cafe one morning about 3 months after the incident. I treated him to breakfast and then handed him an envelope with much more money than he gifted me, thanks to him I had a chance to sort myself out and get myself back on my feet. I now wanted to return his selfless kindness. He was able to rent himself a room with the money and once he had a fixed address he was able to secure employment. We still talk today but I cant tell him the mess I'm in now. I'm too ashamed and know how disappointed he would be.
By the end of this peaceful stint of 3/4 years abstinence other than the rare scratch card and lottery play, I didn't even think about gambling anymore.
Until one warm summers evening when I received a damning phone call from a childhood friend. I did not know it but this call would lead me to lose more than I had ever thought possible. My gambling addiction was far from over...
Oh em.. Raw but pure.. And wha tbis forum needs as we are all one step from where you gave been when we were gambling..
My fixation was slots..
Oh yes I had my machine and my heart would sink. If I walked in and anyone was on it.. It became a joke.. A couple of ladies would tell me who had won or lost on boos machine..
And then.. Sorry hogging your diary.. I went with my friend one time and she rushed In eager to use one slot saying she had list x amount the night before so wanted it back.. I looked at the torture on her face and saw myself and felt sick.. So it was a slow but not immediate stop to it.. And twice I borrowed money.. And twice gave it back. Didn't like thst bit of gambling at all.. So em so glad you are on board with us.
Take it easy today.
???Boo
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