Day 0

Hi Jason

Thank you for your best wishes, my friend. I appreciate it.

You're doing very well, keep sticking at it.

As Mr Bean emphasizes in most of his posts, I think it's very important that you let yourself indulge in the simple pleasures of life now and again, it does aid the recovery. Such as going for that bit more expensive and much better quality bottle of wine with your good lady or eating out in a restaurant you've never been to. The taste and the good time from these will enforce, that life is not that bad when you're not wasting everything on gambling and you deserve those good tastes just like anybody else. They are not reserved for the rich or other people. 

This is the way I think and the way I do to help my recovery.

All the best 

Ergos

Thanks Pink Lady and Ergos. Reading your messages, really encourages me and I am very grateful.

Annoyingly, I wrote a big long post but it didn't get posted as the website logged me out as it took so long. Busy with work now so will have to write more in depth later.

The crux of it is that I am now two weekends gamble free and into double figures. Money lost and money problem is quite overwhelming but gambling won't be the crutch that I use to solve it.

Swapped the gambling time for new exercise regime and just got out of the pool so a good, positive start to the week.

Day 10 was yesterday so into double figures. Hoping that by the time I reach 3 figures, I will be well on the path to a new life with more time, better relationships, experiences and finances. They all go hand in hand and there is a path to the light which can only be walked without a bet.

Have a good week everyone. 

Busy day today. No thoughts of gambling. Still skint, still anxious about money, still unsure if I can make ends meet and pay people back. Awful feeling. I feel more skint today that when I am gambling. I think it's a bit how you feel worse after drinking than when drinking. 

I have been taking stock and the realisation of my habit and actions has hit me. I won't be gambling today to ruin it. 

It's strange that I ma so busy and barely have time to write this, yet, when gambling, I spent at least 14 hours a day with a bet on that I would follow somehow.

Day 12 over and out!

The money issues soon fade away. I don’t mean you’ll be rich all of a sudden, but you’ll be richer than you’ve been in a long time. Gambling leaves you destitute every month. You can ever treat yourself, unless you get the odd cash out, but then you lose even more. Trust me, in a short while, you will think you are the richest you’ve ever been in your life. You can walk into a supermarket and say ‘fillet steak, or sirloin?’. Doesn’t seem like much but the feeling of success will honestly make you feel so big!

You are smashing it mate, keep fighting, and keep posting. 

Stay strong 💪 

Thanks, Weirdfish. Great encouragement and I am grateful. It truly helps.

Today I had some testing thoughts. I don't think I was going to do it but it crossed my mind. I played out the scenario and usually, at this point in the past, I wilt and deposit everything I have once again. I then get annoyed, make some dystopian promise to myself, perhaps swear on a family members life that this will be the last time (and I truly mean it at this point), say I am quitting and then, when I have money, I repeat the process. Over and over again!

I was refunded around £500 from the bank. This would usually be a no brainer and I'd head straight online and  into a casino of some sort for some sports betting. 

Today, however, I didn't. I instead paid off a small amount of the debts that I owe. I swapped paying a debt for a dopamine hit and this has seldom been the case in days gone by.

It feels different this time. I feel determined. I'm also at the realisation that I always bet to zero. 

I spoke to a the NHS councilor the other day but they won't take me on as I am out of the UK currently. I pay my taxes in the UK and feel this is a load of rubbish to be honest. Very disappointed and it does leave me feeling like I have been failed. I think when someone is asking for help, it should be there to be freely given and I don't feel it is. It's left me feeling quite alone on this road apart from here. I am very grateful to the people of this forum. 

My family don't know, my friends don't see it as a problem and have let me use their accounts despite me asking them not to and so here is the only place I can fight this battle currently which is not ideal, I know. 

However, I feel stoic in my determination this time. I am doing for me, my partner and also family that have stood by me and really want to see what I can achieve without this parasite, this burden.

As I was saying to Weirdfish, I really am starting to see it as a person that did these bad things to me, took all my money and also made me into a bad person, doing some pretty horrible things to get money for my next fix. I intend to put this right and find the good me once again. I hope I can make amends.

Now I am two weeks without a bet. 14 days! 336 hours when I would usually struggle to get to 1 hour.

The longest in a long time.  

Days 15, 16 & 17.

I have got through my 3rd weekend of no betting. A couple of mind wanders but no temptation to act on it. I have now decided to go on a bit of a health kick as well. I was 22st 10lbs at my heaviest and this morning I am 19st 10lbs so I want to get into the 17's before Christmas. My weight has also been hit heavily by gambling as would eat utter rubbish to comfort myself after losses and the stress in general. 

Swimming, walking and tennis today were on the activity menu and I am pretty tired now. US Open on and actually enjoyable not stressing about whether the winner or loser is going to impact me financially. 

Other than that, a relatively quiet weekend. I am just trying to rack up the days as quickly as I can.

Good night all and stay strong.

Day 24. Been a very busy past few days and a nice weekend. No gambling but there were a few urges which I managed to navigate but not thinking about it and trying to not give anytime to it and focus on something completely different. 

Even though I have already saved an estimated £2400 since quitting, I am still in skint which makes me wonder how I ever found the 3k + a month to waste.

Will write a proper entry this week but for now, It's shower and bed after tennis and a busy weekend. 

Hope everyone is staying strong.

Day 30. 

Had a few urges Thursday as was tempted to bet on Cricket. Always loved betting on England cricket and watching it all day. But I realised, it was a comfort blanket to mask other things. I also know that I would bet whatever I won to a complete zero. With this knowledge, I managed to find the strength to not bet. Another test which I have overcome and now I am at day 30. A month tomorrow and I am very happy that I have achieved this number so far. Today I am currently watching Australia vs NZ in the rugby. Usually, I would have everything I have on the game. Today, I am watching it stress free and really enjoying it. Lots of sport today and will go for a few beers and watch the football but I know I won't bet today. I am feeling strong. 

Financially, I still have a lot of work to do to get my head above water but I did have £500 in my bank that is for bills that ordinarily would have been bet and questions then asked later. Normally trying to convince someone that I had a large tax bill that or some other misfortune that I needed to pay and needed immediate assistance with.

This month, I am going to pay all of my own bills with money I have earned and not borrow to pay just regular bills which is a rewarding feel and makes me feel a bit normal.

For everyone, I have lied to, manipulated and let down, I intend to do my best to put make amends. Some things can't be repaired and I wouldn't want to as not everyone is worthy of that and have made me feel awful so I need to be objective in my repairing but for the majority of it, I hope to become trustworthy, responsible and reliable again. It's been a long, long while since that were true and I wonder if anyone actually thinks that I am. 

I have a lot of friends and have a reputation of being care free and I think reckless. Most would know they can count on me in every way apart from financially and I want to change that. Version 2 of me will be much, much better.

Have a safe, strong weekend everyone.

Day 39 and still going strong. Had a few urges but the blocks are in place and I navigated them. A big part of being able to do that again, is the fact that I know if I do bet, I will carry on until it's all gone so what's the point?

It's helping for now anyway. 

One observation that is quite interesting is that 39 days in, I am absolutely skint still which makes me wonder how I have 1000's every week to gamble. The money I borrowed and the anxious wait to see if/how I could pay people back has gone and hopefully things will improve soon.

Sticking at it. Hope everyone is doing well.

Jay

6 weeks and 1 day since my last bet aka 43 days. The time has flown by, I still have zero but when I get some money coming in, it will be to pay for some positive things as well instead of all going to friends and family. I still have a lot of work to do to get back on track but certainly, with this addiction being quashed for the last 6 weeks, I have been able to stop and breathe.

I have one friend that used to let me use his account to bet and I would owe him about 2k a month. A friend since we were kids and he gambles but not problematically to the point where he goes above his limit. It annoys me he still tells me about his wins. I have asked him to not let me bet before and he still does. My willpower is different this time, I value my recovery and I see a path to freedom. 

I know it surprised him when I said I was 43 days gamble free. Why he would still talk to me about it and seemingly want to encourage me annoys me. I know I should ditch someone like that but he is in my friend group, very close since we were kids and I know he would do anything for me. I think he wants me to do it with him almost so he doesn't feel as bad. 

I don't know.

Have a strong weekend everyone.

Awesome job mate.

In your friend’s case I believe they have not experienced addiction yet. They think they are in control and don’t think you have a problem. Understanding is hard unless you’ve been there. I’m pretty sure they think you are just ‘soft’ or ‘weak’. Little do they know, you are the strong one and one day you will probably be supporting them. 

Massive respect for staying strong even with friends who are not supportive. Not entirely their fault but unfortunately as the saying goes, what goes around comes around, and I feel you’ll be helping them before you know it.

Stay strong 💪 

Day 50 was on Friday so the first raise of the bat. A long way to go but feeling quite strong. A crypto company emailed me this week saying that they would like to know if I would reopen my account if they gave me 75 spins to welcome me back. In the past, I would have taken the spins as they are free. Win a small amount, then re-bet it and then I'd be in to my own cash.

I told her, no thanks, never contact me again and delete my information. I had already asked them this and to ban me permanently but here they came again. Leeches.

Anyway, nearly another weekend down, day 52 today and I am feeling confident moving forwards. 

Stay strong everyone and have a good week ahead.

8 weeks without a bet today. Been super busy and first counselling session on Monday. I hope everyone is doing OK. 

This can be beaten. You just have to change a few things. I am 8 weeks into it and feeling stronger than ever.

Day 61 and still going strong. Had my first counselling session on Monday and am looking forward to the next one. I believe that I have been able to get this far this time by changing my mindset. 

Knowing that I can't win and I just bet more and always end up at zero has made me see the stupid addition for what is is. I know if I bet, I can't win in the long term and this is also really helping me with the urges. To the point where I'm not really having any at the moment. I really do see it for what is it. A waste of money and a waste of time. 

Being able to help people and being invested in conversations more and having time for people again and not being frustrated by them is really helping me to feel like I am becoming a good person again. 

Clearly, there is a long way to go, but the green shoots of recovery are starting to bloom.

Stay safe and strong everyone.

@zbgykpo0l3 Lovely to read this Jason 👏👏👏👏. May you continue to progress on your g.f journey and reap the rewards 🙏.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.