Day 0

Hi Jason

Thank you for your best wishes, my friend. I appreciate it.

You're doing very well, keep sticking at it.

As Mr Bean emphasizes in most of his posts, I think it's very important that you let yourself indulge in the simple pleasures of life now and again, it does aid the recovery. Such as going for that bit more expensive and much better quality bottle of wine with your good lady or eating out in a restaurant you've never been to. The taste and the good time from these will enforce, that life is not that bad when you're not wasting everything on gambling and you deserve those good tastes just like anybody else. They are not reserved for the rich or other people. 

This is the way I think and the way I do to help my recovery.

All the best 

Ergos

Thanks Pink Lady and Ergos. Reading your messages, really encourages me and I am very grateful.

Annoyingly, I wrote a big long post but it didn't get posted as the website logged me out as it took so long. Busy with work now so will have to write more in depth later.

The crux of it is that I am now two weekends gamble free and into double figures. Money lost and money problem is quite overwhelming but gambling won't be the crutch that I use to solve it.

Swapped the gambling time for new exercise regime and just got out of the pool so a good, positive start to the week.

Day 10 was yesterday so into double figures. Hoping that by the time I reach 3 figures, I will be well on the path to a new life with more time, better relationships, experiences and finances. They all go hand in hand and there is a path to the light which can only be walked without a bet.

Have a good week everyone. 

Busy day today. No thoughts of gambling. Still skint, still anxious about money, still unsure if I can make ends meet and pay people back. Awful feeling. I feel more skint today that when I am gambling. I think it's a bit how you feel worse after drinking than when drinking. 

I have been taking stock and the realisation of my habit and actions has hit me. I won't be gambling today to ruin it. 

It's strange that I ma so busy and barely have time to write this, yet, when gambling, I spent at least 14 hours a day with a bet on that I would follow somehow.

Day 12 over and out!

The money issues soon fade away. I don’t mean you’ll be rich all of a sudden, but you’ll be richer than you’ve been in a long time. Gambling leaves you destitute every month. You can ever treat yourself, unless you get the odd cash out, but then you lose even more. Trust me, in a short while, you will think you are the richest you’ve ever been in your life. You can walk into a supermarket and say ‘fillet steak, or sirloin?’. Doesn’t seem like much but the feeling of success will honestly make you feel so big!

You are smashing it mate, keep fighting, and keep posting. 

Stay strong 💪 

Thanks, Weirdfish. Great encouragement and I am grateful. It truly helps.

Today I had some testing thoughts. I don't think I was going to do it but it crossed my mind. I played out the scenario and usually, at this point in the past, I wilt and deposit everything I have once again. I then get annoyed, make some dystopian promise to myself, perhaps swear on a family members life that this will be the last time (and I truly mean it at this point), say I am quitting and then, when I have money, I repeat the process. Over and over again!

I was refunded around £500 from the bank. This would usually be a no brainer and I'd head straight online and  into a casino of some sort for some sports betting. 

Today, however, I didn't. I instead paid off a small amount of the debts that I owe. I swapped paying a debt for a dopamine hit and this has seldom been the case in days gone by.

It feels different this time. I feel determined. I'm also at the realisation that I always bet to zero. 

I spoke to a the NHS councilor the other day but they won't take me on as I am out of the UK currently. I pay my taxes in the UK and feel this is a load of rubbish to be honest. Very disappointed and it does leave me feeling like I have been failed. I think when someone is asking for help, it should be there to be freely given and I don't feel it is. It's left me feeling quite alone on this road apart from here. I am very grateful to the people of this forum. 

My family don't know, my friends don't see it as a problem and have let me use their accounts despite me asking them not to and so here is the only place I can fight this battle currently which is not ideal, I know. 

However, I feel stoic in my determination this time. I am doing for me, my partner and also family that have stood by me and really want to see what I can achieve without this parasite, this burden.

As I was saying to Weirdfish, I really am starting to see it as a person that did these bad things to me, took all my money and also made me into a bad person, doing some pretty horrible things to get money for my next fix. I intend to put this right and find the good me once again. I hope I can make amends.

Now I am two weeks without a bet. 14 days! 336 hours when I would usually struggle to get to 1 hour.

The longest in a long time.  

Days 15, 16 & 17.

I have got through my 3rd weekend of no betting. A couple of mind wanders but no temptation to act on it. I have now decided to go on a bit of a health kick as well. I was 22st 10lbs at my heaviest and this morning I am 19st 10lbs so I want to get into the 17's before Christmas. My weight has also been hit heavily by gambling as would eat utter rubbish to comfort myself after losses and the stress in general. 

Swimming, walking and tennis today were on the activity menu and I am pretty tired now. US Open on and actually enjoyable not stressing about whether the winner or loser is going to impact me financially. 

Other than that, a relatively quiet weekend. I am just trying to rack up the days as quickly as I can.

Good night all and stay strong.

Day 24. Been a very busy past few days and a nice weekend. No gambling but there were a few urges which I managed to navigate but not thinking about it and trying to not give anytime to it and focus on something completely different. 

Even though I have already saved an estimated £2400 since quitting, I am still in skint which makes me wonder how I ever found the 3k + a month to waste.

Will write a proper entry this week but for now, It's shower and bed after tennis and a busy weekend. 

Hope everyone is staying strong.