Day 5 and keeping to same thread.

Hi Marco, dam you go to darts on a Wednesday! Well that’s more than my social experiences in the past. It’s really positive you have been engaging with social and fitness which should help your recovery moving forward. I know what it’s like to be alone and alone for a long time so I can relate to that a lot and I know it’s scary too. Yeah unlike your partner my girlfriend is the only close person too me and I regularly talk to her if I am having issues with mental health or gambling problems so I can’t really say much about the relationship with your wife other than what you have stated above.

being honest with yourself is a hard thing to do when the grip of addiction is wrapped around you. I am glad you feel positive today and to keep sharing on here, I know you may not get replies all the time but there are people who can relate and understand similar situations and may comment later as I have found. 

keep sharing and keep active is what I say.

today I will not gamble

dave101

Hi Dave thanks mate,  I mean darts is actually very positive for me ( to pluck up the courage to go) , i started about 3mths ago ,before that I did nothing socially for a long time but Im trying to piece my life together.

Its good that you can talk to your girlfriend, I do lack support. My marriage is a very lonely place, example- she is staying out tonight and I only found out from my son.  (She has a legitimate reason)I don't expect my wife to be by my side everyday but I mean really, I don't know the last time I spent an evening with my wife, I'm trying to think but I can't. 

She is very bubbly and friendly with everyone apart from me. I don't know how to explain it. Its like I don't exist. I know it's healthy for her to find other interests apart from gambling, as it is for me.Gambling as a couple appears to have driven us apart. 

Sorry for the long reply, I have a lot to get off my chest, once I start typing.i can't stop. 

It's good to know I'm not alone in recovery, and I will continue updating, everyday if I can and if anyone replies that's an added bonus. Wish you the best. 

Hi

Playing darts is a healthy habit.

The more we heal the more we can be socially and interactive with others.

When I got more honest with myself I get to feel more comfortable with others.

Being consumed by any addiction or obsession makes us feel like a fill feared loner.

I use to live in fear of rejection abandonment even from my child hood.

It is healthy to expose our self and articulate our emotional vulnerability.

For me being in the recovery program is a life saver for me.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

Hi Dave,thanks for the wise words mate,  your right about the honesty especially with yourself , I  am taking a look a the person I am and who I want to be. Wish you the best in your recovery. 

Day 6 gamble free. I could have gone to bingo on my own last night,  that's one place I haven't banned myself -why?, is it the last remaining part of my marriage. The place we always go together. Yes I do need to ban myself. 

My wife has actually gone to bingo tonight. I just said 'hello' earlier like it's actually normal for your wife to stay out all night without actually telling you. I just need to concentrate on my own recovery and.my own mental health.

On a positive note I went to martial arts , I was worried that as I had left 4 years ago it would be awquard,  but I  had such a laugh, a good bunch of people. That's 2 hours of not thinking about anything , just living in the moment. So glad I went. 

Day 7 tomorrow. 

Hi

6 Days gamble free.

Well done those clean days can not be lost.

I did martial arts Karate for two years yet understood my fears were that of aggression.

Not physical aggression but emotional intimidation.

Doing Karate helped me get physically fit and improved my response times.

In the two years of doing karate I never went up in grades so I remined a white belt.

Strangers that came in and thought they could advantage of white belt got a rude awakening from me.

As I heal from the pains of my past my fears reduce more and more.

My unhealthy reactions are transformed in to healthy reactions with people.

In recovery I  understand that I was not a bad person, I was not an evil person, I was not an dumb person.

I was just emotionally vulnerable and when I could not cope I would try and escape to unhealthy habits.

My life is in more balance today.

Because I am able to respect myself I am able to respect other people.

Because I am able to love myself I am able to

Because I am able to respect myself I am able to respect other people.

Because I am able to respect myself I am able to respect other people.

Because I am able to be more nurturing and encouraging to myself I am able to be more nurturing and encouraging to other people.

When I am able to have more empathy for myself I am able to have more empathy for other people.

That’s 2 hours of thinking about some thing healthy, being focused

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

Hi Dave, im trying to learn to respect myself , I was a lot more confident and self aware when I was doing martial arts. I trained for about 6 years takewondo ,I guess a bit like you I only got to blue belt. Im now studying ninjitsu only because the instructor doesn't want to be called sir and white belts and black belts are treated as equal so it's quite relaxed. 

I do think the way you perceive yourself most likely reflects on how other people perceive you. (That may not be the case) but I'm hoping that I can get some confidence back and can look in the mirror and say yes- you are a good person.

Hears to healthy habits! Wish you all the best mate.

Day 6  another day gamble.free, my new motto( that I may have read somewhere)- I can't control the uncontrollable. 

Wish you all the best everyone.

Hi

I can’t control the uncontrollable.

Sounds like the serenity prayer.

I can not change the past, complete acceptance.

I can not change an unhealthy person to take recovery seriously.

I can not heal others people pains but I can heal my own.

Dave L

Yes that must have been what I read, I just hope I'm not the uncontrollable. 

Today has been particularly difficult, I'm not sure why. I think it's the initial excitement of actually thinking I can give up gambIing and I can do this ,to the reality of the years of habits formed that I need to break and that is difficult. , I could have quite easily smoked and gambled this morning. However I am determined. 

 Im at work ,have gym tonight and that will be 7 days gamble free. ( No viewing gambling, reading about gambling( apart from this forum)or actively gambling). That for.me will be an amazing achievement. 

Day 10 gamble free, I lost a couple of days which is probably a good thing. Parking ticket issued yesterday, from spending 2hrs 40 mins at service station, not only did I lose £400, I also shelled out £60 for the pleasure. Almost laughable. The madness of gambling and dealing with the aftermath, the debt and time wasted. 

I'm determined to succeed. 

Day 10 gamble free, I lost a couple of days which is probably a good thing. Parking ticket issued yesterday, from spending 2hrs 40 mins at service station, not only did I lose £400, I also shelled out £60 for the pleasure. Almost laughable. The madness of gambling and dealing with the aftermath, the debt and time wasted. 

2 hour bike ride yesterday and martial arts  

I'm determined to succeed.

Day 10 gamble free, I lost a couple of days which is probably a good thing. Parking ticket issued yesterday, from spending 2hrs 40 mins at service station, not only did I lose £400, I also shelled out £60 for the pleasure. Almost laughable. The madness of gambling and dealing with the aftermath, the debt and time wasted. 

I'm determined to succeed. 

Think my phone's playing up , how many times have I posted??