Haven't been on here for nearly a year and have been gambling away again, however not to the extent I was before, mainly because I just don't have the money anymore as have gambled it all away so have just been gambling away wages each month. But I had decided to stop on 1 April this year - April fools - thought that would be memorable, anyway, I didn't stop, so I thoughI wold stop on 1 May - day after my birthday, also memorable, but I didn't stop - the reason for me always choosing the 1 of the month was because I especially liked sites with the free daily games which always has the free spins at the end of the month - so this couple with being paid at the end of the month always kept me gambling all month - anyway, on 20 May, I decided to self exclude from a site, for 6 months, but later that day logged onto the sister site, to my suprise rather than horror (which was a surprise to me) I was also self excluded from this too as it was the same company. A year ago my reaction would have been one of horror and annoyance, but last Saturday I felt total relief. In my head I had planned to stop on 1 June, but in reality I know I would have gone overdrawn before pay day, got paid and paid back the amount I was overdrawn by, then blown the rest and then hoped that the free spins on the last day of the month would've have got me back to the status -quo, knowing in my haert of hearts that actually I never stop and withdraw - just keep playing til I have nothing left. So this month is different - today was payday, I went to work, on the way home I went into town, bought some shoes, a ring (only £12.50 but very nice), some vitamins, and a nice frappacino - this I would never have done if still gambling as I haven't thought I could spend money on actual things as needed to ensure had enough money to waste on gambling! I feel that I have finally given up for good. I got down to my last few pounds - well £111.67 - which when I had about £30,000 in savings 4 years ago - says something! But now I feel that I can start again and each month I will treat myself to soemthing. When I play roulette or the slots I loose all sense of the worth of money - a £5 bet is just a click of the mouse - so I never want to go back there - to the late nights, distraction and guilt. Lat time I got to day 41 and then I messed up but I will not mess up again. It's been 4 years and 42 days of being a gambler to make me truelly want to give up. I get daily emails from one site that I unsubscribed to and I have emiled them to tell them to stop - they can not understand why I still get emils as I have closed my account and unsubscribed but still the emils keep coming! I will not be taken of my path this time though, and if life gets S****y as it undoubtedly will at times - I will find another pre occupation - reading, whatever. Good luck to all you fellow travellers - after loosing what I imagine must be close to £50,000 if I include all the wages spent on payday I am positive about the journey ahead! I'm now off to watch a double billing of Corrie and eat a solero - rather than mindlessly spin the slots until there is a big fat zero. xx
Wishing you every success in overcoming your gambling addiction . You have self harmed for too long . It's time to give yourself love , kindness and respect . The past is over , the damage done , they have your money which you wont get back but you don't have to give them any more .
Hey ! I remember you :)) .
Sorry your back in these circumstances Annie :)) , It's never good is it ? but youv'e stopped before and you'll do it again I've no doubt , the secret's in the " Staying Stopped " bit this time but I'm sure your prepared to put up a good fight :)).
Look if those companies keep emailing you after youv'e closed your account's , then email them back telling them in no uncertain term's that your a CG and want no further contact from them and if it continues you'll report them to the Gambling commision ! , failing that just change your email address ? .
When weve been so good to these companies over the years and given them a lot of our hard earned , then they're not going to let you slip ou of thier finger's that easily are they ?.
Stay safe Annie and I'll catch up soon :)) xx
Thanks for your posts Abstainer and Alan. I'm still feeling positive. Definitely not going back there again! Happy Sunday! x
Hey Annie, I'm on Day 0....
I've decided that things must change for me. i need to get a grip on life and make good things happen to me rather than relying on pot luck (which inevitabley fails).
Best of luck on your journey.
Stay strong and remember the good times you're experiencing without gambling. Here for you!..x
Thanks Moorey - good luck to you too! Day 9 now. I'm also considering telling another friend who is more local about the gambling - but want to wait til I'm a bit further forward so that I can tell her I'm a way down the recovery road and don't need lots of support - but think she would be a useful check point if I ever really thought of going back (feeling positive I won't though). Coming on here is so useful - as reading what others have written makes you think, I thought only I thought that. Im finding the success story section useful. Went for a long run this morning which was lovely - 18k with just music and myself. One of the major bonuses of giving up is having time back - I've got to do some work this afternoon and normally I would procrastinate for a couple of hours online gambling and then feel rushed to get the work done but after this entry, will start and no more online gambling procrastination, frustration etc. You never win because you put it all back in......and some! Good luck to everyone! xx
I appreciate your kind words in my diary which will help strengthen my resolve . Great your running and taking good care of yourself . Wishing you well in your recovery with happy days and jolly adventures .
Thanks Abstainer! Day 10 and going strong. Just had to have dental work done - had the option of touch up filling for £56 or crown for £200 plus, I thought that 5 years ago I wouldn't have had to make the answer based purely on finances - but today, no way could I afford £200, but I am feeling that one day I might be able to again if I can finally put all this gambling nonsense to bed! I definitely feel better in myself, trying not to let other buggers get me down too!! XX
Once again thankyou so much for your kind words of encouragement . I feel better after my swim . Congratulations on reaching 10 days in your recovery . Well done for not trying to win the £200 which as we know invariably makes our financial situation even worse . Another trigger is other people people behaving unreasonably , in addiction our tolerance levels can fluctuate . I so much wish you fun times ahead and happy days in your recovery x stephen
Congratulations Annie Superstar , you are 11 Days into your journey of recovery .
Thankyou for your kind words of encouragement in my diary .
I thought of asking the bookies to give me back the £ 50-000 I have given them since my retirement 6 years ago but they would probably say no . HOWEVER they are certainly not getting any more . The past is over - live for today and enjoy whatever the future has in store for us . Wishing you fun , happiness , contentment and good times . Stephen x. Ps Krysallis have agreed to me having one to one counselling .
Day 15!! Already feeling more positive about financial situation. It's not great, but I can already see a liitle of my wage left this month whereas normally I would be working out how to pay back money I had gone into debt over. x
Day 16!! Keeping going. xx
Well done Annie, day 16 and you've already bypassed quite a few hurdles that a weak mind wouldn't have been able to (such as not wanting to 'win' the £200) - be proud!
It's great that you are starting to see how things around you are beginning to improve (such as having some of your wage left), every day and every week that you keep this up, things will keep on improving.
Keep on keeping on!
-RyanMustStop
Thanks so much for your comments Stephen and Ryan. It really helps to read supportive posts. Day 17 and determind not to go back to the guilt, anger, shame, crazy conversations in my head. Feel so much better. I never win because I can never stop do I can never start ever again. X
Day 20. Have had thoughts of spinning wheels on one occasion and reliving the feeling when the bonus lines up..... then tried to recall the more common feeling of exhaustion from staying up too late and the self hatred as yet another deposit got back to zero. Not going to start gambling again. It's over. Xx
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