Having gone over 250 days without a bet I've slipped up twice in the last two weeks. Things have been a real struggle since May and I have known deep down that I would gamble again. The strength and resolve that I had for so long just seemed to go and I can't put my finger on why it happened. I was so dedicated and determined to beat this and I went longer without a bet than ever before. I need to try and work out why this determination went and what made me slip up. Time and time again I was able to walk past bookies with money in my pocket and not at all be tempted, I thought I had beat this, I didn't want to gamble. I think as gamblers we can blame others or look for excuses to gamble so I don't know if this is all my doing or other factors have influenced me. Its certainly not helped me to have had a period of time working with a lad who just went on and on about gambling. I think he put a seed into my mind that I didn't want to be there. One of my biggest barriers was to avoid all knowledge of odds and horse racing form and he forced all this on me despite me telling him time and time again I wasn't interested. But ultimately its my own fault and I need to work on a way of dealing with this in the future. I will come across people in work who talk about gambling to me or around me and I need to find a way to deal with this and not let it suck me back in or tempt me. I think another thing that hasn't helped is my financial situation. I had so many debts hidden away that I tried not to think about and its been like a huge spiders web. Things just get worse and worse and being left with small amounts of money to survive on is always going to put that thought into my head of one big win and I can do X Y and Z. Something else I did which was stupid was pick out two football coupons just for fun. Of course both won (they always do when you have no money on them) and then I started to think maybe a coupon on a Saturday won't harm me and I could win in the long run. I need to really work on whats happened since I stopped in December and try to make sure this time round I don't make the same mistakes again.
Last week I got paid and despite going over 250 days without a bet I drew my wages out and went straight to the bookies. My mum now trusts me more with my card and usually I would ask her for money, but recently she has just given me my card (this is something that needs to stop now I thought I was safe with my bank card but maybe I will never be safe). So its Friday and I go to the bookies, a little bet won't hurt me, I win a good amount, place a huge football bet, lose the rest and end up leaving 100 up. I feel guilty all my hard work has gone and the following day I stand outside a bookies while my mate goes in before the football. However its in my mind, that 100 was easy I can go back and win more. I booked the week off work as I was feeling really low and I end up one day thinking I can do this, the old me could never walk out so I must have changed. I have 400 left to last till payday so I draw it out and head for the bookies. Very quickly I am up to 1000 and thinking one last bet then I'm heading home. That bet is beat in a photo finish and my head is spinning, 900 isn't enough I'm not going till I reach 1000 again. And loser after loser quickly follows and I head home having blown all my money. This cycle will happen every month for the rest of my life if I continue to gamble. I can't win because I can't ever stop, nothing is ever enough.
Today is a new week and I have new resolve, this is day one for me, I can't count last week because even the days I wasn't gambling it was purely because I had no money. Today I don't have any money but I don't want to gamble. I need to talk to my mum tell her I slipped up and tell her to never give me my card again because I can't be trusted. I need to stop reading anything gambling related, looking at odds and looking at raceform. I need to self exclude from another local bookie. I need to do lots more thinking and come up with as many barriers as possible.
I was going along so well and felt certain I would never gamble again. I really don't know why this came back, but from being easy its been a struggle since May. I have got a lot more hard months ahead where money is going to be tight, but I can't let it lead me back into gambling. I thought the longer I went the lesser the gambling urge inside would be, this hasn't been the case and I need to start the fight again knowing my enemy inside will probably always be there and giving up and letting it win isn't the answer.
Hi Phil
To go over 250 days is great going
To come on here and be 100% honest with yourself takes courage and wisdom
To carry on carrying on is fantastic
Thankyou for showing me that again We can never underestimate the power of this horrible destructive addiction
I salute you for staying strong determined and very focused
Take are Suzanne xx
I have being going a mere 2 weeks and I think a small bet will be harmless. I need to ignore these stupid thoughts.
Any bet will never be enough. You did amazing getting to 250 days. I hope I get near that amount. Obviously, I hope I can stop for good.
Phil
Fella I have walked in those shoes,I relapsed after 650+days and addiction seemed it would have a hold again upon my life.
But like you I navigated my way back to the forum.
300+ days again into continued abstinence I know I have made the right choice.
Dig deep my friend,you have come a long way in your recovery,don't be too hard upon yourself
Addiction loves that
Learn from your shortcomings
Never give up giving up
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Phil, this site just didn't seem the same without you - so pleased you have returned to us.
Take heart from Duncs' post - you can beat this too. Perhaps in a strange way you needed this slip to harden your resolve - not a nice experience I know, but those 250 days are a solid foundation for you to build on and that success can never be taken away from you. It still remains a great achievement - if you were in the Tour de France and you fell off your bike you wouldn't go back to the Start Line would you? So continue your journey knowing that we are all rooting for you.
Joanna
Hi Phil you are amazing for being honest with yourself foremost and you know the pitfalls that led you to slip which is a good thing to learn from. I always thought myself I was cured of this illness to think I can play machines again for so called entertainment as it is for some but not for us the addicted gambler. I know I will never be able to control gambling again never could and never will its as simple as that for me. My life is starting to mend itself again after so many times of s******g it up and your story so reminds me of myself in many ways but youIhave the knowledge of what made you slip and I know you can soon recover and take steps to ensure you don't fall victim again good luck and keep strong x
Big thanks for all the messages, they have really helped to get me back in a better state of mind and its been really valuable advice. I was very close to giving up on this place and slipping back to my old ways, I'm glad I didn't give up. I think I need to read a few of your diaries and get some inspiration and maybe pick up a few extra tips on how to beat this.
So its day two and I don't have any money to gamble, but I don't want to gamble. I need to self exclude from the one remaining localish bookie that I slipped up in. I will do that on my day off on Friday. I also need to keep racking my brains and finding as many barriers as possible to prevent future slip ups. Having read the 2014 challenge update I really do need to turn my life music up and drown out the gambling. Its not easy when money is so tight for the next few months, but I need to try and find something to fill my time up with. I also need to really keep thinking about what it was that led to my slip up so I can prevent it happening again.
Work last night just sums up what I'm up against. A lad came to me asking if he should back England to win. I told him that I'm trying not to think about gambling so I would rather not talk about it or think about odds. A few minutes later he came back to tell me about his bet that he had done. I will just have to keep telling him and hopefully the penny will eventually drop.
For all the negative stuff in my life right now, I have to think about this time last year and the immense stress I was under. I couldn't see a way out of my problems but I somehow came through. Life will get easier for me if I beat this addiction, if I don't I will make it impossible again and I will destroy myself. I need to work hard this time and stay strong. Life currently sucks and there's only one way I'm going to make it better and that's by beating this addiction.
Phil,
Mate I just did 5 days then bet so doing 250 really is an achievement. Believe you can do it again and keep visiting the site.
I don't know why I gave in as I naturally lost from being up and have let everyone down.
Let's do this together.
Mba
Day three and I spent some time last night reading some diaries and reflecting and picked up one very useful snippet. Someone said the start is easy because after years of gambling its something new to stop. But after the initial period then you hit a point where it becomes far more of a challenge and that's exactly what happened to me. The first 100 days that I stopped I was so dedicated and it was a huge challenge to set barriers and beat this. I used to take huge pride in the fact I could go out and walk past a bookies without any temptation. I was full of myself and didn't ever think I would gamble again, I was so proud I was beating it and changing my future. But then at some point after 100 days it didn't become exciting anymore, I lost interest in posting on here, I started to want to gamble again and for another 150+ days I just drifted along and at many times came close to that first bet. It certainly didn't help that my finances got worse as more of my past came back to bite me. I think the thing that finally sucked me back in for that first bet was that having sorted all my debts out and planned to repay them by the middle of 2015, I then received something else that would attach to my wages in work and for the next 2 months take even more money off me. Its been such a stretch financially, but I was adapting and coping to paying out 1000 a month for debts, but then to have even more taken off me it was too much to take and I gave up and slipped up. So food for thought and more reflection is needed on where I went wrong and how to prevent it happening again.
Right off to work now, no bets today!
Hi Bornagain
Your diary caught my eye as I've also just stumbled after going around 250 days. Help like I was in a good place, then a little harmless bet led to lots of other bets and then lost 1000's.
Still feel sick thinking about it but the main thing is that you are back on here on the right path. It's a tough road to recovery, stay strong and keep posting especially when you have an urge.
You know you can go the distance, just need to stay on your guard (easier said than done!!)
Good luck
James
Day four and I'm currently feeling really rough and looking forward to ten so I can finish work. Then I have two days off, not much to do because I'm skint, but I will be self excluding from the only local bookies that I can still use. Apart from that I just need to spend more time focussing and thinking of new barriers and new ways to improve my life and mind. So back to work now as my breaks finishing, no bets for me today!
Well done on finding your way back. Like you I strayed from the path and have only recently returned after 2 years without posting.
One thing I have started to do is get a plan together for the next 12-24 months. Financial, social, work, health... start planning out where you want to get to. Of course the plan may change, but it will be good to work towards some positive goals.
Whilst you are off and if you haven't already done so give your card back to mum. It's clear that worked for you in the past.
Hi Phil - Sorry you are feeling rough at the moment, but it's good that you are posting and that you are planning to get shot of that last bookies. Ste_ven's suggestion of getting a plan sorted out is a good one and I know that in the past you have done something similar.
I know work puts you under a lot of pressure but it might be a good idea during your break to investigate some other activities you could take up, e.g. physical. Gym membership can be expensive I know, but perhaps your local authority have some sport-related classes you could join? Getting those endorphins charged up can really help you feel better.
Best wishes and stay positive.
Joanna x
Phil
It's such a hard journey , 250 days gamble free then bang it hits us hard , you will feel low at the moment gambling takes that self belief from us and replaces it with self hatred , give it time back to one day still a time and life will start to get better
Best wishes
Castle2
Day 5 and I have self excluded today from the only local bookmakers that I could still use. Feel much better now I have closed that avenue! My mum has my bank card and I've told her just to draw money out for me and not give me the card. Obviously I'm still only half an hour away from bookies that probably wouldn't know I was self excluded, but the small amounts of money I carry won't tempt me. Its having access to large amounts and having things in my head, maybe a big meeting, or someone's told me a specific odds on a horse or football match etc.... that tempts me. So I need to really avoid gamblers in work and concentrate on avoiding anything about gambling online and on tv.
Two days off now to contemplate and try and plan a way forwards. I've also got loads of box sets to catch up on at some point. Really should be out tonight, but sadly I chose to blow my cash in a bookies, need to learn and start living life!
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