Day One - The Long Road

Thank you Feb.

Had a mixed bag day today....

Felt pleased I had stopped and could spend time with the kids, but when I saw the sunshine it just brought back memories.

I think the problem with gambling is that it becomes ingrained into your life which is why it's so hard to ditch it. For example, remembering that there was nowhere I could really be 'me' as I was taking my phone into the bathroom with me, taking it to work, doing it while driving, everywhere I was gambling.

The problem then is association, you associate certain songs with it, certain places you've visited where your only memories are having your nose into your phone to gamble online oblivious to what's going on around you. Then you remember you've lost money and panic and want to get it back.

I've come to realise over the past few days that this is what my problem is, I can't forget it because it's everywhere and all around me, reminders.

So the only way to break this is to create new memories, as hard as it will be and it makes me feel anxious, I need to go back to that restaurant, the ice cream shop, wear that perfume again and create a new memory for each thing.

Because if not, everytime I think about it I am filled with that feeling of despair and like I've lost.

And no matter how hard I try, I can't switch my head off.

Still gamble free (23 days now) and know I am aiming to never gamble again, but just need to get over these reminders which are making it hard and consuming me almost as much as gambling thoughts did.

Hope you all had a good day.

Finding it hard today. It's prime time for racing right now, I could just have a little look but I know the temptation is too great.

So I'm about to delete the channel from my Sky viewing.

This morning I called the bank and arrange for my savings to be 'locked' in bonds so that will stop me spending them.

It's just the urge to have a £20 bet which is eating me up and has been for days. But I know that it will go one of two ways.

1) I win and get annoyed that I didn't put a bigger stake on because I'm still £2k down

2) I lose and end up cross that I put another £20 on because I could have bought myself something with that

Seeing the lottery winner on the TV isn't helping either. Sure I'm glad he's won the money but everything is just making me annoyed today.

Trying to reason and use logic but wish the urges would just GO AWAY for good.

Has anyone else felt like this after 3 weeks??

Well done on 23 days,dont under estimate that achievement.

Ive been on and off the recovery road for the past 14 years,since admitting i had a problem when i lost my house back in 2000.

Ive had periods of abstaining.gone months at a time,but eventually have failed and fell back to old habits.

You know and I know- we can never win,the odds and the bookies book is always in their favour,plus the fact we cant win cos we cant stop,there is no end game.

Win- we yearn for more and eventually lose,lose we chase,its a vicious circle.

I`ve struggled in the past to give up through willpower,mainly because i thought i was missing something,thought i was being deprived of something.

Why would you want to miss something that ruins your life?

Your not giving up anything that gives you pleasure,forget about it and enjoy the rest of your life.

Accept your losses,you will never get them back,and even if you did,you would always look upon gambling as the saviour,which we all know its the opposite.

My new found optimism and belief that gambling is behind me is mainly due to reading allen carrs 'the easy way to give up gambling'.

Its had a positive effect on me and for £7 well worth a read,it might just change your outlook.

Well done Laura, over three weeks now, keep going.

Thanks both for your responses.

Robby Box, I am going to buy that book. Always handy to have something useful to read and I'm nearly done on my current book.

I've made a month now, 29 days in total......

The urges are dwindling each day, when I think about the money now it's like my mind just relaxes a bit and the thought drifts away, not a real sense of panic anymore.

I'm hoping that this is the start of the next phase of recovery, where it doesn't all feel so raw.

I will have to try the forum one evening, always good to speak to others who are going through it too.

I have stopped gambling in the past but those feeling never go away,you jst have to fight those urges.as much as its so hard as the days ad up it does get easier.well done on how long u have gone the now. No bet today makes a better tomorrow.

Scottyboy x

Hi

Congratulations on making it to a month. The urges do subside with time. My problem is I get complacent after extended periods of abstinence. I feel I can bet sensibly and then the cycle beings all over again and sooner or later I lose more money. I have found taking the onus away from me and concentrating on doing this for my family has helped. Gambling makes us selfish. We cannot gamble because we cannot stop.

Wishing you all the best in your recovery. You can beat this addiction.

Hi Laura,

Thank you for the post on my diary. The anecdote that the wise man told you certainly makes sense and has made me think about just how much of my day I spent gambling or thinking about gambling. It's exhausting! I hope your days are getting easier, I'm following your diary with interest. Keep fighting the good fight, I'm rooting for you : )

Jam

Thank you Scottyboy, Jam and West for your posts..

Still gamble free, really had to rely on willpower but come to realise that gambling turned me into somebody selfish, and the way things are with work I would have ended up losing my job through it.

Then there was another realisation, every win you have is someone else's loss, somebody in your position maybe. The bookies never lose.

I would feel guilty taking money from someone like that, so better not to even get involved.

Stay strong all x

Day 39.

Had little moments where I've considered a little bet, but have proudly abstained.

Life seems to feel much cleaner now, I can relax and do things that I want to do without having to fret about being back in time for the races, glued to my laptop, or worrying about not having 3G when out so I can check results.

Best of all, I have time back with my children, who prefer me the way I am now because I have 'more time for them' which means so much to me. I looked at them both tonight and thought I owed it to them to stay clean, they deserve a Mum who is interested in their lives and not some stupid bunch of fixed races engineered for bookies profiteering.

This part to me is priceless......

Hope you are all remaining gamble free as we all complete another day.

Ok,

Today has not been so good. Keep seeing the races splashed everywhere because of it being ladies day... and looking at pictures makes me sad because I know I can never be a part of that world anymore as I can't win and stop.

Or worse still, I lose.

Work has stressed me out a bit, but in a good way I'm glad as I have no spare time whatsoever to dwell on the past, apart from now.

But slightly worried that I will get complacent now that I have accepted the money has gone, don't want to relapse with that small bet which turns into a massive binge.

Really feeling odd today... hope this is normal.

Still gamble free, can't believe I missed the National but it now just looks cruel to me.

At least that's the stand I take, makes me feel better for having no part of it.

Won't lie and say it hasn't been hard today, a true test of abstaining. Every pub I passed was advertising it being on their widescreen TV today, didn't help.

Until a friend said they'd had a bet on and lost, so they are now £50 down for the day.

And I smiled to myself, feeling like I'd won, because I'd been productive today and kept my money.

But I do wish it wasn't front page news because it's really darn hard keep seeing that.

In a dark place today.

Your posting and sharing though tobeornot

are you working your blockers today?

sharing with others?

i'll keep checking in

triangle

Thank you Triangle for posting.

Been in a bad place all day, off work this week and finding it hard to keep distracted.

Just seen a race on ** *** new whilst having a snack of toast and nearly threw up with anxiety.

Even after so many days, it has a habit of sneaking up on you. I know you shouldn't let your guard down and I try not to, but life just seems so hard right now.

Wish it wasn't like this.... so grateful for the posts, really am.

Without this place I may not be here.