dazed one

Ah... it's Friday! Feels like an eternity since I've been here but it's only been a week. Hoping to catch up on a few more diaries this weekend and my own . Always so much to catch up on... work, emails(I will reply, V) , home stuff, etc. Difficult. That numbness in my baby finger (not sure if I wrote about it before but I think I did) has gotten so much worse. It's affecting my ability to type now. Have made a doc appointment with a new doc. Suspect I may need surgery. Frick! Really have thought about my doctor a h ell of a lot this week. So sad she is gone.

Thank you darling..

Good to see you sound and safe

Look after urself

S xx

Hi ya Carolyn

Don't worry you wont get rid of me that quickly, I'm waiting to get paid on wednesday so i can at least buy a beer to take me away from this miserable life for a while. Gambling really does take you to places that are so dark and soul destroying.

Hope you sort out the numb finger issue, must be so so annoying, take care I'm thinking of you x

Hey Carla

Just seen the time and I'm guessing you are 3.22pm whereas I'm wide awake at 3.27am!!

Think a pinched nerve is likely....all that shovelling of snow maybe?

Thank you for posting Hun...and yes ex Doormat is how it's going to stay from here on in..but as in Duncs words ..I still have to abstain and maintain it which is always a struggle when your a caring sort as we are ..

Always reading even if I don't write as much these days xxxx

R and D xx

Dam n thumb! Yes, ExD, it is a pinched nerve. It started mildly tingling a long, long time ago and doc said leave it and if it becomes a big problem, it could need surgery. I think I am at that point now as it is interfering with typing. It's so numb now that I think you could cut it right off and I wouldn't feel it. Oh well... will see my new doc. I didn't end up going to my docs memorial last night. Why? A number of things but mainly that my budget is so tight until the end of the month because of my stupid gambling, that I didn't even want to use the gas to drive across town. I also brought a lot of work home with me... never seem to get caught up but truly, the nature of my job is such that I could work at it 24/7 and still find things to do. I'm kind of envious of people who can leave work at work. I am trying to change myself, mainly my thinking these days and am having some success in how I react to various situations. I do have a long way to go, though, and really wonder if I'll ever get to where I want to be... and where is that?... I want to think first and react second. Hard for me. I've been bringing my ipod to work with me and listening to chants, meditations, soothing music, etc. to calm myself and I must say, it does help somewhat. I still have sooooo much fear and anxiety in me and am having much difficulty sleeping. It was so much easier just smoking some doob. I am feeling proud that I haven't smoked any of that or smoked cigs and really.... can't believe it... esp the cigs.... never, ever thought I would even be able to go 24 hours without nicotine, let alone this long. But... it's sure hard to deal with all this anxiety, lack of concentration, fear..... Another week looms... will continue to work on all of the above, and esp my reactions.

Yo,

Just wanted to say what a great post you wrote on captains thread . For that I thank you !

( the three wishes one) 🙂

As for wanting to be different ?

Me I am working hard on just trying to accept me warts and all .

Am I getting there? Yes be it pidgin steps , and probs not fast enough to see it ever happen in this life time .

But if I reflect on how much I hated myself a few years back , till now.... the difference is gynormous .

So Hun ,

All I can say is keep on keeping on .....

Take care

Shiny xxxx

Thanks, Shiny.

@##$%$#^$q post vanished. Too much pain in arm to type again!

Carla

It never ceases to amaze me of what we can do if we put our mind to it.

Hope you keep finding your own belief.

I believe you have put in the effort.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Carla,

Short and simple..

((((((((( Carla ))))))))

You are in my thoughts..stay safe girl xx

S x

Thanks Dunc and Sandra,

Not sure why I said thumb in previous post.... it's baby finger, ring finger, forearm, elbow. Hurts a lot! Am on waiting list to see a specialist (3-4 month wait). Rarely go out anymore and had plans for tonight and also for tomorrow but both had to cancel on me. Annoyed because I went for a drink after work and was really enjoying myself but had to rush home to meet someone only to find they cancelled. Oh well. Life. No cigs and no gambling... means I get to eat for the next couple of weeks!

Hey Carla,

Darling, i feel for you. I can't believe you have such a long wait yo see specialist..Jeez, take it easy at work and try to rest it as much as possible. ((((( Carla )))))

Please don't worry about not posting as often. You are in my heart also, i am wired a bit differently lol...just too sensitive on things, but believe me i am progressing on my feels too and trying to be a hard a** now and again lol..We are all different on here, and every journey is unique. I am just glad i met u all on here...no regrets whatsoever.

Please do not post much ( at least on my tread ) seriously look after ur health and tk it easy.

Great stuff on g free and cigs free time!!!

....and food as a result is even better!!! Treat urself with a cake ...you deserve it :-)))

...o*g..i am writing here about cakes lol...and just remembered that it was ur birthday on Wednesday? If im right...d**n...my silly memory....better later than never i suppose :-))

HAPPY BIRTHDAY dear fighter, wish you continued strentgh, and peace...and a lot better health..i really do wish you everything you ever wanted...because you are one in a million and are worth it ! xxxx

Take care

And try not to worry too much...we all will climb out of the distress we might be feeling this dark and cold January...things will get better for all of us....

Sandra xxx

Hi Carla and sorry to hear about your pinched nerve. I presume its pinched where it comes out of your spine and it radiates to where you describe. When I had this the physio showed me several gentle stretching exercises, which basically meant head up, turn head to the left then right, hold for as long as can bare etc and then stuff with the arms, stretching across chest and so on.

I had 3 sessions of physio after having been on a waiting list for several weeks, but to be honest, I think it just got better when it was ready to get better. You will get better.

Well done on being gamble and cigs free and eating food! 😉 Take care... S.A 🙂

Hello Carla

I am sorry for being away a while and worrying you. nice that so many poeple care about me and my well being on here.

Truth is that i just lost the plot for a while, basically lost everything i had money wise and now having to face the reality of it all, bitter pill to swollow 🙁

Sorry for my previous wording and I think i gave the wrong impression saying that death was the only release from this curse of gambling, it was more of a turn of phrase than a statement of intent. Anyhow, today is my 3rd day free of gambling again ! will have the fall out of my last slop for long time but still, happy days i stll have warm friends like you. Thank you Carolyn, your friend Dark Place xx

Hey baby girl 🙂

Hope all is good with you and your fingers feels better. I seen more cold heading ur way, please stay warm and wrapped up.

Look after urself darling.

Take it easy and enjoy at least little things in life...they surely will get bigger each day you abstain 🙂

Hugs (((((((Carla )))))))

S x

Hi Carolyn

How are the fingers ? thank you for your last post and hope to cyber/speak soon. Thniking of you, Dark Place