dazed one

Not sure why the link isn't working...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MoYrxmxFnio

It's a spoof on a Simon and Garfunkle tune entitled "Grounds for Violence" if you want to find it on YouTube..... funny.

Something I recently read….”Your relationships with others reflect your relationship with yourself, wherever you may be in your personal development…. The key to meaningful connections with the people in your life is making yourself whole by honoring your body, mind and spirit- filling the voids that cause you not to love yourself. You can’t give love if you don’t have it. And you can’t receive (or even perceive) it because you won’t recognize it when it shows up. You’ve got to care for yourself in order to be able to care for others.” Written by good ol’ Oprah in “O” Magazine, April 2010.

Well, I guess the lady got to be a billionaire by knowing a thing or two and I believe she’s right on the money with this…. well, most of it. I think for a good part of my life, my relationships were healthy and fulfilling. I’ve always felt very blessed in my personal relationships (with the exception of my marriage which was toxic throughout) and have somehow managed to attract and maintain marvellous friendships, some for many, many years now. My work relationships have also been mostly good, except for the last decade where I’ve struggled with those higher on the totem pole than me. I get on well with the underdogs these days and not so much with my so called “superiors”. I suppose I would have to admit that I’ve felt a “disconnect” in many of my relationships, both personal and professional, and if I’m completely honest, I have to admit that the feelings of being disconnected coincide with the escalation of my gambling and other vices. I feel far from “whole” in mind, body or spirit. I have tried to fill the “voids” at times, and sometimes my efforts have been in earnest, though, never sustained for more than about a month. I know that I fall short when it comes to “self love” or self-esteem. These days, I often find it difficult to look people in the eye…. Feel so much shame. I am now letting too many relationships fade, preferring to keep things superficial. I don’t know if I entirely agree with the statement “You can’t give love if you don’t have it.” And “You can’t receive” or “perceive” it when it shows up. I think this is only sometimes true and maybe applies quite often to those of us whose self -image is in the gutter, but I do know that I give love and I do often recognize receiving it. Afterall, love has many flavours. I suppose I just don’t give it as much as I could/should or perhaps see it and/or appreciate it each time it appears. I wonder if I will ever get there? I know it starts with me.

Hi Carla , i reckon you are not struggling with whatever relationships at work,from what i read you do understand them and respect . Its not every day that you deal with the unsurprisingly or with the uncommon ,and even rare to meet people that worries a lot with who does not have...it is worthy to give , much more easier to live giving other then others who don't have nothing!

Like a lot your post!

Could do with a post !

Thinking of you.

hi Carla just wrote a massive post on your diary then flippin deleted it arcccc lol. so will try to remembver what I wrote and watch what I press this time . first of all I think you are very brave , over her there is a thing called selfexclusion I assume they do it over there in Canada, so what I think you should do and I am no expert , but to be brutally honest and this I must be about gambling , you MUST selfexclude from every casino nearbye and every casino you have ever been to , who cares what the staff in the casino think or anybody else for that matter, insist when you speak to them on self exclusion , and a life time ban not a year and if they do not do a life time ban , tell them for as many years as possible and when them years are up you must reselfexcude , what has helped for me is destroying my debit card so I can no longer online gamble which is awkward as I now have to use cheque books or cash ect. and direct debit or get my dad to pay a card payment then give him the cash but whatever it takes as I needed to and you need to get serious with this addiction , but I also pay as much cash in the bank as I can so as to leave only the minimum I need to survive on in my pocket so to take away temptation of being able to use it for scratch cards , you need to find somebody to have your card which I think you mentioned your neighbour before , but you must try, [ im not saying your not ] . Another way is have your wages paid directly by direct debit or standing order and aswell with any rent you collect get this paid directly into your sisters bank account , and then have all loan payments car payments house hold bills mortgage ect.. paid out of your sisters account .. and set up a separate accout with her to do this so it won,t mess with her other banking , Do whatever it takes . You sound a little like me in that you try to do everything all at once , somebody once posted that he was going to clean his whole house and then went onto say but because it was such a big task he would probably just lye on the sofa and not bother doing anything because it was too much to think about doing , somebody else on here then posted on his diary that he should scale down the task to not the whole house not even a room of cleaning but just to clean a small cupboard , then he wouldn't mind starting it and seeing it through as the task is not that big and not too much to think about , So my POINT is with yourself I notice you are trying to give up pot , alcohol , smoking and gambling all at the same time aswell as the worry of bills, debts , work, shovelling snow, digging the garden ect... ect.. ect... I think you should stop whatever you are doing take a deep breath , and start again but start small with one thing then once you have done that move on . I think you should start with the most impotant problem you have which sounds to me like gambling , so forget everything else just concentrate on giving up gambling , do what I suggest selfexclude open a new bank account in your sisters name tell her you don't want a loan or credit just a bank account so you cannot touch the money , if you cant get to it and cant gamble you wont be able to gamble a bit like when you went to the emirates . yes your sister might have a dig at you but who cares part of the course if it means you keeping your roof over your head, also I know you have mentioned you have self excluded before and you have sneaked in but , tell them you want them to let all the staff no in all the casinos that you are selfexcluded, and ask them to self exclude you from every linked casino , ask them to ban you for life or as much as possible and never let you in who cares what they think if it means you keep hold of your money . when you go and selfexclude or tell them they should not be letting you in don't take any cards or cash with you to take away temptation , they have had enough out of you already . I have read almost all your diary and have had many lates nights because of it , it has somehowe gripped me , you must now beat this addiction we all must , we have been stupid idiots me aswell and its pointless as we even if we win will always eventually gamble it away again trying to win more with our greed , I have only done just about over a month gamble free now without a gamble and it has been hard , so im not trying to preach sorry if it sounds that way . your voids will eventually fill and you may meet someone new , but you need to stop gambling first to give those voids time to fill , and if you PUT YOURSELF IN A SITUATION WHERE YOU CANT GAMBLE then you wont gamble and then you will stand a chance , but don't forget you don't stand alone , we are here , let it click in your head its pointless to gamble again .

Sorry for the long essay on your diary and sorry for not doing it in paragraghs , im not great at that , all the best simon , [ im willing you on ] and I like you i will not gamble today

Hi Carla

Hope you are well ? so i finally finished this for you. It is my unique gift to you, a piece of art ! i will record this to a CD acoustic only and post it to an address of your choice, try to read into the words, i have to be honest it was a bit of a challenge. You have a achieved something in making me write my first song in 20 years..... take care, hope to hear from you soon. Dark Place

CARLA

I was falling

I could see then end was calling

I surrender

After all why should i care

Should i remember

What it takes to make me learn

If i could ever

throw away the lessons learnt

the situation turns

and everybody wants to know your name

its just a no good crazy part of mine

and after all whats said and done

do i really understand

what makes a difference to me anyway

Am i carla,

its my last goodbye

and the walls come tumbling down

I am Carla...

Keep falling down, keep falling down, keep falling down

keep falling over

keep falling ooooooover and over

do you believe in a month of sundays

id watch the mondays slip away

if time could only stop at midnight

then it would keep the morning light away,

the situation turns

and everybody wants to know your name

its just a no good crazy part of mine

and after all whats said and done

do i really understand

what makes a difference to me anyway

Am i carla,

its my last goodbye

and the walls come tumbling down

I am Carla...

Keep falling down, keep falling down, keep falling down

keep falling over

keep falling ooooooover and over and over

now there is a dream

full of multi coloured scenes

i feel the air

in every breathe i breeve

accross this nation

its time to realize

one sensation

this girl carla, that has arrived

Keep falling down, keep falling down, keep falling down

keep falling over

keep falling ooooooover and over and over

Hey C,

Dropping by to thank you on a social network site. Life is one hell of a ride!!! ...but it's still life so we only have to enjoy highs and deal with lows (in appropriate manner 🙂 )

Stay safe, sound and enjoy your weekend girl.

Take care,

Speak soon

S x

Hi Carla ok I get it that self exclusion in your area is S***e , this is wrong , but these people in these casino's are just buying you drinks to get you to stay longer to get you to waste all your money , they are not your friends might sound harsh but true , so not trying to preach but, the place where you get these forms from you must ring them up or write to them tell them you have selfexcluded but the casinos are ignoring the fact , also write to the casinos make a formal complaint and ring them up and complain and tell them you have been self excluded , and keep doing this until a point that they will not let you in , If they think you are nuts who cares if it means you then aren't allowed in and you beat this addiction /illness , all the best I want you to beat this soooo much myself to thanks simon

Hi there girl,

Thank you for your kind post. I hope all is well with yourself and you keep being kind to you. Hope to speak soon

Have a lovely and peaceful Sunday

S x

Hope all has been well with ya girl. Weather is taking a turn for the better and no lifting of the white stuff in site. Well at least for a good 5 months I hope. LOL

Coming by just to say few words..

Proud of you!!!! Yeehaaa girl! !!

(((((((C))))))) x

Well hey girl and how's it all going with you? Guess I never really left the place and just being pi-ssy I guess. LOL yeah did my bout in the casino's but nothing to damaging I guess. Back on the straight and narrow for a little bit and hoping It's a keeper. LOL

Hope all is good with you.

Thanks, my friends. Haven't been here in a while and it's nice to see I can still "come home". Yes, we're done with the nasty white stuff, finally, but our summer season is short and it'll be back before long... hopefully, Nov but usually Oct. I've managed to get all my veggies planted and my kale has already emerged. I am going to plant flowers again this year (which I neglected to do for a couple of years now) but it has to wait until Friday when I get paid. I am a wee bit anxious about that but at the same time, I sort of feel a new resolve. I just don't want to keep having to scrimp every month. I've never had to live on so little as this month and I don't want to do it again. And besides... I must repay that lady who lent me money and put my renters' security deposits back in the bank. Both of them will be leaving at the end of August and I will have to refund them, so I simply mustn't gamble. I've been trying to occupy myself with other things... working hard and also doing two online courses... one on resilience (and I definitely need to become more resilient) and the other on "forgiveness", which I haven't been giving as much attention to as the first course, but that's because of lack of time. In doing the one on "resilience", it's made me realize that I had given up on growing in my career, and so I applied for a position a little higher up the ladder. Somehow, I have managed to get an interview (made the top 3... don't know how many applied in all but it feels good to believe I made the top 3). My interview is tomorrow and I am not even sure I want the job but I know I am not exactly happy where I am, so I guess it doesn't hurt to check it out. Wish me luck!

Hi Carla,

It's great to see you out and about the threads again. I had to laugh when I read your post on S.A's thread. Physically Phfffsttt Ha! That was awesome. LOL! And yes, good luck with the interview tomorrow. Go get em girl! -joanxxx

Carla

thanks so much for popping by my thread,I do believe in the metaphor 'you reap what you sow' without doubt in recovery the rewards far outweigh the rewards of my gambling life.

Life presents some fantastic opportunities today for your good self to.

Of which I could not be more pleased for you.

A working progress indeed.

I hope you take from your interview today what you want,as it is you and only you that is the most important thing,without that everything else goes to hell in a hand cart.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back