dazed one

Carla

Sorry to read you are in a bad place at the minute my dear friend

Take all the help available,don't let addiction isolate you from the world,it loves to do that,lead you to believe it is the only thing in your life,it lets you believe it will gift you.

Because all it will gift is misery.

The doors of recovery revolve,it does not matter how many times you walk through the doors,it is what you learn each time you do

Never give up giving up

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Carla

Sending you positive thoughts

Take care

Suzanne x

Hi Carla... Just wanted to say that am thinking of you. Food in the stomach and a roof over your head. That's the essentials. Take care... S.A

P.s I self-sabotage too. I don't fully understand it either. It certainly doesn't make any logical sense.

Hey Carla

Thank you for getting back in touch...some tough time..i know it is, but you are no different from any of us, you are a fighter and confident person. Keep fighting girl, don't let that beast win, do anything you can to make yourself and your situation look and feel better. I know you can do it...please take all the support available...it is here and behind forum walls

(((( C ))))

S x

Thinking of you Carolyn, Dark Place x

Hi Carla,

Your words keeps me coming back to reality and brings me so much strength. Ya know why? Cause you say "believe in yourself girl and I'm sayin that to myself also". I believe in myself, are you up for that freaking fight for freedom? Hand in hand my friend, we will get there.

Just - thank you ((((((C))))))

S x

Hi Carla,

Been a while since you have posted. Hope all is good in your world and coming Christmas only brings joy, peace and happiness to you.

You have helped me massively on the way, i thank you for every word you told me, i truly hope you would accept my support and help in return if you find yourself struggling.

A little line would be great, together we march on.
....do you still believe? I find it the biggest tool in recovery.

Hope to hear from you soon..worried mad this end. Ya know where to find me..

Take care and later

((((C)))) xxx

Hi Carla,

Just bumping your tread up and hoping you're well. Thank you so much for that link about the addiction. Many users found it interesting and food for thought. Thanx for sharing, and hope to speak soon

Take care
Hugs

Sandra xx

....just so you know that anything is possible. The balance of following both - head and heart will take you to safety and better place to be.

Always listening and always willing you on. Good, bad or the ugly!

Take a good care of yourself and be kind to you

S x

Thank you. Another "poor me" post:

Not been on in a long while. Why? Apathy. Apathy about everything. Apathy about life. For a very long time I’ve been depressed and I don’t want to inflict myself on anyone, not even on here. And that’s about the only good thing I can say about myself… that I hate hurting others. I hate worrying others. But it’s awful to keep everything inside. It’s awful to not have anyone to talk to. Even when I’ve been on here, I hold back. The feelings are too dark to share. There’s nobody I can be truly authentic with. I suppose it’s just that I choose not to. I’ve brought on yet another crisis…. Blew my pay again last night as I always do at months end and have borrowed from so many that I’m not sure I can bring myself to start searching for another friend to loan me money….I'm a sh$#%thead who has broken promises to others and to myself. Will take me a bit to pay off the last friend who loaned me and now have to find yet another loan… on top of my already maxed out payments. It’s a miracle that I haven’t had a heart attack yet. Had very little sleep last night and awoke with a headache. No food last night and too many cigs and beer. I’ve learned nothing over the past several years. I’ve come to the conclusion that a good life is not possible for me. I’ve never been happy. I’ve had many happy moments in life but nothing that endures. And even the happy moments are becoming fewer and fewer and I have only myself to blame as I isolate more and more. It’s harder and harder to face others and keep up the act. I can hardly even look myself in the mirror. I’ve never felt at peace…. that things will be ok. I’ve been telling myself that things will work out since I was a kid but I’m over 50 now and still have the same fear and dread about life I’ve always had. I’ve never felt “good enough”. I’ve always lived in fear, since childhood, really. I don’t deserve to be happy. I was given so much in life, more than most, and instead of being grateful for what I had, I always wanted more. I delude myself into believing that a big win is the answer but somewhere deep down, I know that it isn’t material things I need. Money won’t cure my loneliness. Money won’t bring me self -worth. But s$#t, it sure is important when you don’t have any. I continue to resist the things that could potentially help me. I told one friend (a condition of her loaning me money) that I was serious about getting help yet I haven’t filled the prescription for antidepressants my doc gave me or followed through on seeking counselling either through GA or a therapist. I find a loan which eases the stress of the moment and then delude myself over and over that I will stop on my own. So here I go again…. Crisis…. Thinking of trying a GA meeting tonight but probably won’t. Praying for a miracle that isn’t going to come. I can’t even cry anymore. I have completely lost touch with my emotions and really, don’t feel much anymore. I just fake it. It’s rather concerning that I don’t seem to feel much anymore. No…. I do feel sometimes but only negative things. I seem to either feel exhausted from working all the time…. feel lonely when I get home…. or nothing…. flat…. or when the monthly crisis returns after gambling binges…. anxiety. What a life. But it’s exactly the life I have created and I have to take responsibility for that because I don’t do what is necessary to change it. I am beginning to believe that I am incapable of change. There are wonderful and supportive people on this site . I may receive responses to this post but I have to tell you that I don’t know if this will be a one-time post for me and I may not respond or return support to others. I’ve always felt that I should acknowledge responses and support others but I don’t know if I have it in me anymore. But to those who have always supported me in the past, please know that it’s appreciated, that I’ve thought of you all many times and still do. And don’t worry…. I won’t do anything stupid. Just needed to let it out today. As SA always says.... thanks for listening.

Hey Carla,

I have read your post a few times, I don't want you to reply Hun, I just want to send you my understanding, that was me a year ago. (Even longer than that) I think we get so very low we definitely walk the self destruction route, because we think we deserve it.

It gets to the stage where we have done horrible things (to feed this addiction) and maybe other stuff, because as active CGs we are totally selfish, that we know no way out. Except self destruction.

Carla how much longer do you want to punish yourself, you don't deserve these negative thoughts, this addiction is not our fault, so why the f**k should we self destruct our health, sanity and lives for a leach, that keeps soothingly puts Vaseline on us so we can carry on in its grip, Vaseline smooths us but keeps us sliding to its Webb/ gripp/ etc. what a horrible thought, we can be sucked in again and again if we let it soothe us.

I know it's hard,for you know, In fact it's total S***e, and that is because you keep letting this horrible addiction run your life,

It's always our choice as dear Joan says two junctions one is recovery the other one is addiction,

Please make that right choice, believe that path is easier than the pain of gambling.

Suzanne xx

Hey there,

Not gonna waffle on...just plain and simple - ya know where to find me..

(((((((Carla)))))))

Stay safe...just for today xx

Hi Carla....

Well I think your Ok... and here's a smiley face to prove it.... 🙂

I think what you describe is the outlook of most escape gamblers, me very much included. Your not alone.

The frustrating part as am sure you would agree, is that self-awareness doesn't necessarilly bring about change. For me I lost hope recently but now hope is starting to return and it can for you to.

Change is possible

Take care... S.A 🙂

Thank you Suzanne, Sandra, SA and NT. My weekend has been a gut-wrenching hell but am feeling slightly better this evening. I managed to find the courage to call a friend who lent me money once before and I've received another loan so I'll get through the month. The last time I borrowed from her (which I finished paying off in Jan and then borrowed from a dif friend in Feb which I'm still paying), she didn't ask questions and this time I felt obliged to let her know why I am in such dire straights. The stupid thing is, that as soon as I had the money, my thoughts turned to gambling again. Sick. I'm so sick. BUT... this time, I feel like fighting harder. I will get the prescription filled and will psych myself into going to a GA meeting next weekend. This madness has to stop. I listened to a meditation I found last night and it helped me through my crisis. It's long (1.5 hours) but it helped me settle down when my guts were churning and finally sleep last night. Here is the link if anyone is interested.... Thanks again, you kind souls. xxx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1RdEVXWXbU&list=PL77sOl8Yk8xfxw4RdcBsVfHdkinqzeyw7&index=11

Carla

My dear friend it's gut wrenching to read that addiction still disrupts your wellbeing.

Sadly addiction had me believe on too many occasions that securing a loan from somewhere was some kind of warped victory and I had been gifted a green light to continue gambling.

I find myself repeating the active gambler's mantra this morning

I cannot win because I cannot stop.

Because that's it for us, in action all rational thinking is simply cast aside leaving addiction to flourish and manifest until our funds delapitated.

I hope you find your way into the GA room and it provides you with the ammunition to seek abstinence.

On a brighter note your advice regarding exercising my knees still works today, I am fully functioning in that department lol,any chance you can fix my elbow lol,I have bersitis and it is quite debilitating at times

So doctor Carla any advice? ?

Never forget the door to recovery revolves it doesn't matter how many times you walk through the doors, one day you will shut the door behind you and lock it for good.

Never give up on giving up.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.