dazed one

Hi Carla, been reading through your diary, particularly your last few posts and identified with much of what you write. I can relate to the amount of money you have gambled and your existing debt. I can also relate to your continued self destructive behaviour and the constant questioning of why you do it. So, with that said, what advice can one give? Not much actually. The best I feel I can offer is to help you realise what you are doing to yourself at this moment in your life. You probably can't see it because your head is in a state, you are in emotional turmoil, full to the brim with self pity and your day to day behaviour is completely immersed in the lunacy and madness that is compulsive (problematic, addictive - call it what you will) gambling. The little strength you have left through all of this madness brings to you these forums with a desperate cry for help.

Don't gamble today Carla. That's all you have to do. Don't make it difficult and don't over complicate it. Just don't bet today.

When you next post here, tell us how it felt at the end of the day without a bet.

Thinking of you, Simon.

Thank you for the encouragement, Simon. AS you can see, I haven't been on here since the start of May. I wish I could report good news, but I can't. I've been gambling a lot, as usual. I'm now thinking I have to get a second job. Feeling very lonely, afraid, stressed out and depressed. No surprise there. But... today is a new day and reading what you wrote, Simon, helps me hang on. Thank you. Today I will not gamble. I will be back tomorrow to report on my success.

I didn't gamble yesterday. Today, I will not gamble. BUT... I've often gone several days without. The real test will be if I can keep it up. Having said that... one day at a time.

Hi Carla

What ever you do, do not give up on giving up. This is a wretched disease of the mind and plays tricks on us. If it were easy thid forum would not exist. Keep posting and reading and it will get easier once you get some time away from your last gamble. I appear to be in a very good space right now but been here many times before. This time feels slightly different though but don't know why. Take care

Thanks, Smiler. I am not a quitter (though, I wish I could say I was for certain things) so I won't stop trying to stop the gambling. The past couple of nights, I've really wanted to go but I haven't. So far, I'm finding the "one day at a time" approach helps (although, I always gambled on the weekend and I find myself giving myself a "talking to" a few days before the weekend which also helps). Today, I will not gamble (and since it's a long weekend here, I won't cave tomorrow either!).

Hi Carla

Many thanks for posting on my diary. It is god to know people read what you write even though it is suppossed to be for ourselves. One thing I noticed in your last post was you are thinking about the weekend before it is here. Try to forget about it until it comes. Keep posting and writing here it does work. Take care

YEs.... one day at a time. I am happy to report that I have not caved in lately. I am feeling a strong urge today but I will not gamble!

Hi Carla

Just saying hi i am fairly new here, attempted a zillion times to stop gambling, today i am on day 3 and just want to get to know some people here

Flowers

None of us on here are quitters, Carla. We are all here with one huge aim.

And that is to become gamble-free!

It IS achievable - there have been people coming back on here after years of deciding that they wanted to stop this madness of gambling.

It is my ultimate aim to become one of them. This should be the target instilled in ALL of our minds.

We will all get there.

All the best,

GT

A couple of people took the time to post since I was last here and I'm grateful for that but don't have the energy to reply. I'm such a #!$@-up. Very down.

My heart and soul are as empty as my bank account now. What madness... to keep doing this insane self-destructive behaviour. The time has finally come to be held accountable. I've accessed all the money I possibly could, used all the equity in my home and cashed in retirement savings and now for the first time won't be able to make my payments on my loans. My guts are wrenching and I don't know what to do. I have always made my committments but now I can't. I have been suffering in silence... nobody knows, although I have some suspicions that some may know and aren't saying anything. My God! What am I going to do? Borrow from family or friends? I'm too ashamed to even ask. How did I let this happen? How could I have been so stupid? My whole life financial security was important to me and in the last 10 years (as I get closer to retirement), I blow it all?? Of course I have issues. I imagine every gambler, if not every person, does. Then why don't I deal with them in healthy ways? I know some people have much worse issues than me. Why do I have to compound my problems? The absoloute worst part is knowing how much my loved ones would be hurt if they knew everything. So, so hurt. I vowed never to tell them but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep my secret. I would never kill myself but I tell you that I pray for death... but even then, I can't take the thought of how much that would hurt my loved ones. And they'd still find out about my stupidity. I just may have a heart attack anyway as I definitely feel the stress taking its toll physically too. What the hell am I going to do? I am so tired, so ashamed and so stressed out. God help me.

Haven't gambled for a few days. Feeling somewhat better. I wish the chat room had longer hours as I'm not in the UK and the times don't usually work for me. Have to get my taxes done and am terrified I'm going to owe money. I have just barely enough to cover my next loan payment. I feel like I want to take that and try to win more but I won't. I'll focus on getting my taxes done and if I'm lucky, I won't owe anything.

Hi

I can feel your pain. I like you got into such a bad state that I when I woke up every day I was so so sad that I woken up at all.

But a year later , things are so much better.

I know that is no consolation to how you feel right now. Is there any one you can talk to, any one who can support you through this ?

Well do e for not gambling the tax money, keep us posted honey , we all will try to support you from this end.

Take care

Dusty

Thanks, Dusty Fairy. I'm afraid I blew it again. When I got off of here yesterday, the mail came and the minimum payment on my credit card was 10 times more than I had anticipated. Then my accountant called and told me that I owe almost $4000 in tax. I lost it. I went to the bank and got my last bit of credit (which was meant to pay off other credit) and headed straight to the casino where I donated all of it. I came home and started to drink. I called my neighbour who came over and listened to me cry but I don't think she could take it as she didn't stay long. I then drank 4 beer, smoked a joint and passed out (but not before having some crab legs I had in the freezer! Crab bought on credit.) Pretty healthy way of dealing with problems, right? Man, my head hurts. I am doomed.

I spent the day nursing my headache and doing more reading. I am going to face this head on. I will not gamble anymore. I have spent a lot of time reading other people's diaries but rarely comment on them. I guess I feel like such a failure and that I don't have much to offer to others in the way of support.... but I really do appreciate others sharing their struggles.