Today I am starting my recovery journal. I have been here before and used this forum to help me try to conquer my demons.
Gambling has brought me nothing but sadness. I must change my behavioural patterns before it's too late.
I have had many times when I have abstained from gambling for sustained periods of time. Times when I have been strong in recovery. That strength is something that I need so badly right now.
I have never felt so low in all my life as I do right now. I have returned to old gambling habits far too easily. I had money and I gambled it away. You all know the sorry tale. I won, I was invincible. I lost, I chased those losses. Then I chased those losses. Then I just kept going, spiralling out of control like some zombified automaton.
It has to stop now. I have to get through tomorrow without gambling. I know the barriers that I have to put in place. And I also know that my deceptive mind will most probably leave a way around those barriers, such is the perverse twisted way my state of mind has become.
I am bordering on some kind of bi-polarised depressive addictive loon. A far cry from the 'normal' bloke I once was.
I must be strong and beat this S***e compulsion.
Ade
Hi Strong,
Welcome back to the diaries. I too fall down from time to time and know all too well how it feels to be looking up at what appears to be a relentless unforgiving mountain. I try to remind myself that it is not the destination in this life but, the climb itself. I am not a philisophical person lol.. I just want you to know that I get it and am here to listen and support you on your way back up. -joanxx
Yeah there's nothing fun about losing all your hard earned cash and chasing it only compiles the damage. Theres a reason their in the business and its pretty much because they know we can never win. Ya might hit a win here and there but they know its pretty much borrowed money and we'll be back. Guess sometimes we feel like we're on that winning streak but all it is really is is prolonging the loosing of that cash too. The odds are never on our side unless its to loose of course. Lol
Welcome and hope ya find what you're looking for here.
Hey Happiness,
Great of you to stop, I really hope you succeed in your sobriety. It's a terrible addiction, I know first hand, I'am compulsive gambler also, my g.o.c. was slots. Try to educate yourself on the addiction and understand how it affects you. I have a thread in the intros forum under, "chart of compulsive gambling and recovery" you might like to read it. The info is from my group therapy class that I attend. I wish you the best in your recovery process.
Chicagoguy
Thankyou Joan, Broken soul and Chicagoguy for your posts on my diary.
Got through yesterday ok. Feeling better about myself this morning and one day away from my gambling demons.
I feel the need to beat these urges like never before. I am fighting a silent fight, although I can feel the pressure building up inside me at times. I blew my top at my kids in the car this morning, as even the most trivial argument between siblings can be magnified by my current mindset.
I do know that from my previous recovery that maintaining ones recovery is all important. At times in the past I would post many times in one day, and often be consumed for hours by this forum. In a way my compulsion was diverted to my recovery.
At the same time however, I did notice that being around a lot of gambling talk on here could also have a detrimental effect some days. So for me it is all about getting that balance.
I have to change those behavioural traits like never before. I have to lose the tension and angst that I feel everyday. It is a life challenge that I face. I am flawed in many ways, but I am also blessed in many too. Getting my head around the fact that my glass is very much half full as opposed to half empty is a battle.
I have to stay positive and get back to the good things in my life. A life without gambling. A life where I concentrate fully on my children. I have to stay focused and not let gambling back into my life.
Keep strong all
I will beat this
Ade
Yeah guess too I may find myself here to much on this site. Guess the time I do stay away it usually ends up on a gambling binge though. Lol just gotta find what works for us and go with it. No perfect road or bad road as long as were trying.
Thanks for your post Broken soul.
2 days without gambling and feeling better.
Have not had any intense urge to gamble, but have had fleeting thoughts mainly due to habit I guess.
Really want to improve my life and general well being without the gambling cloud hanging over me.
ODAAT I wil beat this.
Keep strong all
Ade
Mw
fella welcome again to the forum i hope you find being here helpful and from it build a resolve to abstain and maintain.
The one thing i have learnt is recovery is bespoke. Tailor what works for you and what keeps you from having that first bet, the one which kick starts the cycle again.
The gamblers cycle is for me the same , a progressive compulsion to chase losses and turn any win into another loss to chase.
The money is for me just the fuel to feed the addiction.
Me i live by the triangle. Time-Money-Location.
I take one away at all times, the punt becomes impossible.
The result is always the same. I win, with irony through abstaining from gambling i actually achieve what i set out to do through gambling. I win. Each day make a choice to win today.
As for posting, do what suits you, me i give the forum maybe two dozen hrs a week , which in comparison to the time i gave to my addiction is actually not a great deal.
The result is today i won, you too my friend also joined the winners enclosure, feels great doesn't it!!
Just for today enjoy it, me i Will too.
Duncs stepping forward never back.
MW
Thanks for your post.
I can only echo what Dunc has said.
Don't carry cash or cards.
Can someone manage your finances?
These 2 stratagies have played a big part in my recovery.
Best wishes,
gazza
Welcome (back) to the diaries. I note you have read a post from Curly on mine, if you have read other parts of my diary you will see I have been back and forth on here for a few years too.
I'd echo the thoughts of others who say there is no one prescription for all. I myself have never been totally dedicated to giving up even although I know I need to and I should, because in times of abstinence I just feel lost and the emptiness wins over the drive of stopping.
for the record, here's my quick brainstorm of things I've either come across myself or been recommended:
Read Overcoming Gambling by Philip Mawer
Spend lots of time on here
Attend GA (hate it myself but appreciate it works well for others)
Dont carry cards and cash
Cut up credit cards
Seek financial assistance re debts
Get someone to look after your money
Self Exclude from shops / establishments and put Betfilters and blockers on line
Find new pastimes
Develop new routines
Exercise more
Dont look at literature re gambling in papers / online etc.
Review and analyse your past and note all the trouble gambling has got you in, financial, emotional, otherwise
Train your brain to live without the buzz
Think that every day without gambling is a win
Get counselling
Sign up to an in-house residential therapy centre
Thanks for the supportive posts Duncs, Gazza and Captain.
Three days now without a bet. Today I faced a slight problem when one of my work colleagues quite innocently suggested that we go to the bookies at lunchtime.
It's something we have done many times in the past, but today I resisted and had a nap in my car instead.
No big deal to some I guess, but to me it is another step in the right direction. I could easily have trundled off down there with him, but why bother?....there really is no point. I much prefer to save my money and not lose control.
If I do not start, I do not need to stop - If you get my drift.
Keep strong all
Ade
Hey MW,
That's s huge big step! Your learning how to stop the cycle dead in its tracks. I had a similar thing happen to me also. I was at my brothers last week and he suggested we should go buy some lottery tickets for this special drawing they were having for St. Patrick's day. I told myself, in my mind I don't gamble anymore, then just said to my brother, not interested. Nothing else was mentioned or said. I told my therapist about this, and she was very pleased that I told that to myself. Were growing in are recovery's and we now understand the word consequence.
Chicagoguy
Thanks for the support CG, very much appreciated.
Feeling strong in recovery today, and getting back into using the forum to its full potential.
Ade
Well done. The first days are the most desolate and painful but it sounds like you are moving forward. Once you can get some distance between you and gambling you will think more clearly. It won't be good facing up to losses etc but you will be properly moving towards a gamble free life where habit, addiction and empty compulsion won't br there and you can properly start living again. Stay strong through these tough times. We are all with you. DB
Thanks for the support Diggoryboy, very much appreciated.
Take take a little time to read this story, it makes sense no matter who you are!!
A Mayonnaise Jar and Two Beers
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 beers story.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked his students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook it lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the gold balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous ‘yes’.
The professor then produced 2 beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space. The students laughed. ‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favourite passions - and if everything else was lost and they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else - the small stuff.’
‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room left for the pebbles or golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit your grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposals. Take care of the golf balls first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities ... The rest is just sand.
One of the students raised her hand and enquired what the beer represented ...
The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked. The beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there is always room for a couple of beers with a friend.’
Ade
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