Determined

Day 15 GF - No intention to bet.

Been busy this morning as we are going away for 9 days today. Flight at 5pm. I am just going to enjoy this break and be a family again. Ok, I have no idea what the future holds for me and my wife, no idea if we will ever sort it out and try again, but I am learning to enjoy the special things.

Good luck all, stay strong. See you all when I am back.

Have a cracker pal you spoil your family see you soon jft

Day 25 GF - no desire to bet at all.

Back from a nice holiday. Had a great time with the little guy. Me and his mum, who knows? a long long way to go before anything could even start to move forward, that is if it ever does. I need to sort myself out first. Back to counselling on Tuesday and looking forward to it.

Keep going all.

Great to hear ant glad you had a good holiday with your family and have done 25 days I had a relapse on Friday so I'm back in day 2 keep going mate your doing great

Thanks for the comments Tommy.

Sorry to hear that you relasped. However, as you say you are back in day 2, back on the path straight away, and well done for getting straight back on. Keep going bud, you can do this Tommy.

Day 27 GF - No desire to bet at all.

That is what makes me wonder why I did it in the first place? I hate it, I hate doing it, and I hate what it turns me into. I know my addiction is because of my mental health. I just want it gone and I am going to fight and win this battle. I gamble when I face something severe in my life. It is my escapism from reality. If I can get to terms with why I go to that place during strong stress, then I can overcome it, I know I can. It is a challenge that will not be easy by any means, but I am determined to beat it in the end and be free.

27 days of life showing me how good things can be. Yes, me and my wife are in a bad place and who knows if that will ever be mended? But I am at least starting to see what I have in life, starting to appreciate it again, hopefully enjoy it and live happy. Decorating the house since yesterday, great for my mind.

Stay strong all

4 weeks GF - No desire to bet.

I had another round of counselling today. It went well. They are trying to push through my diagnosis for Bipolar. There really is now little doubt that I have it. In a way I am happy as I now know what it is and I can at least start to deal with it. I am also happy to go ahead with medication to control it. I have been reading up on Bipolar. I am ready to accept that I have it and it is a part of who I am.

Stay strong all.

Day 29 GF - No intention or desire to bet.

Bit of a weird day today. I have accepted that I have Bipolar. I am reading up on it as much as I can and all I see is my life and who I am. Of course, it is great that I finally now know and can start to do something about it. I just feel so sad that I have had this illness without knowing and it has basically ruined my life. It just all feels so unfair that if I had known what I had then my life could have been different. Life really sucks at times. I will get there and be strong again.

Stay strong all.

Day 30 GF - No desire to bet.

I am in a good place. I am starting to feel angry now that I know about the Bipolar. It seems as if my life would have been different if I had been diagnosed years back. I feel angry and sad that it has never been picked up on. On the plus side I now know what I am dealing with and I can aim towards helping myself gain control of my life. I know that stressful situations send me to gambling as an escapism. However, I now know it is my Bipolar sending me there. If I can find the trigger that sends me to gamble I can control it and seek another way to cope. Of course, medication may be enough to do that, though they are going to work with me on the psychiatric route as well. This is also the case for other things in my life, my lack of self esteem, my doubt in myself, my blaming myself for things I have nothing to do with, and my thought process. I mean, my emotions are way off the scale and I always wondered why others did not feel as I did. Now I understand it is my bipolar. Now none of this is going to be easy and it will all take time, emotion, and it will drain me, but I can do it. I went 3 years 4 months not wanting to bet and it was only after my wife nearly died that I began again. Yes I am stupid and I have to take the blame for things, though I can see from my therapy that my Bipolar pushes me there through stressful events. I can find that trigger and I can free myself. I want taht more than anything. In a way it is rather crazy and yes while I am angry my Bipolar was not picked up earlier in my life, I am in a strange way now happy that I know I have it and what I am dealing with. It has already explained so much to me.

Stay strong all.

Hiya ant thanks for.my comments on my diary I'm still here bud .day 6 after my small slip had no urges to gamble.as.my life's been so septic with home.life and work .my partner is having tests for bipolar which is hard at minute and I can imagine how hard it is for you as well as the gambling addiction.mate listen 30.days is unbelievable if you can do that and stop gambling the world's your oyster keep on going pal and hope.to.speak soon

Thanks Tommy. Sorry to hear your partner may have bipolar. It is a horrible thing to have, just be there for them.

Day 32 GF - No intention or desire to bet.

A strange few days. Emotions, feelings, everything, is just up the wall. My marriage is basically over and that saddens me as she is such a wonderful lady. Finding out I have bipolar has been difficult to take, even though it explains things and means I can now get the help that I need. I know I gamble when super stressed, and I know I can now find that trigger and beat it. It is that destruction my antics have caused that brings the most sorrow and pain. Even though I know my illness was pushing me to these places during bad events I still need to accept I had my own mind through it all. I knew what I was doing was bad and what it would cause. The crazy thing is now that I know about my bipolar I will end up with medication and treatment that will stop me going to gamble if I am highly stressed. It was only almost seeing my wife die ( cardiac arrest, I gave CPR) that stressed me enough to gamble after 3 and a half years. That was without knowing my illness. Now I know I am certain I can find my coping method. Sadly, it all seems to late for my marriage to the girl who is also my best mate. That I can never forgive myself for.

Moan over. Believe it or not I am positive for the first time in many years. I will get there.

Stay strong all.

33 days GF - No desire at all to bet.

Those dark clouds are looming. Not for a bet as I hate that with a passion. It is my depression starting to kick in. I can feel it taking over me and the hopelessness is starting to talk to me. Sometimes I just go into depression and do not notice it. I can go a whole day and have no idea what I have done, sometimes even more. Other times I feel the depression coming and I want to just curl up. I want the world to go away. Some depression episodes are just so numb. My emotions for anyone or anything are numb. It is during these periods that I think "what is the point in life?" a few times I have fallen alseep and been disappointed to find myself still alive. It can be a horrible place that I cannot describe. I have never told anyone about it as I have slipped into it. I mean, how can I tell those I care about? How can I explain and share that horrible place with them? I have never once told anyone. That is until this moment. Yep all, it is you lot who are the first people ever to know that I am slipping into a depression episode. Believe it or not this is a good thing. I can open up a little and I have never done that before. I feel OK here and I thank you all. I have a million miles to go, many corners to turn, and probably a few U-Turns along the way. But I have my foot on that road. I have at last spoken as I slip. I have bipolar, I will have it for all of my life, but at last I know, I now have the opportunity to grow.

Do not worry, I am fine. I will be OK.

Be strong all.

Hi AntAnt1,

Well done for posting and sharing about how you are feeling at the moment, and what you are experiencing with your bipolar.

Please keep posting if you feel it helps to talk. And if you perhpas feel like you would benefit from further support also please call the Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or the Netline, and also the Samaritans on 116 123.

I wish you all the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Thanks Admin.

I am fine. Really I am. For the first time ever I have spoken out and it feels OK. I will get through it all.