Determined to keep a diary

@p6z38njbqm So proud and happy for you Fish.  It’s only what you deserve however, after putting in so much effort and hard work to remove yourself from the destructive gambling cycle that you were once on.

Have a lovely weekend.

Your friend Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Thanks pinky - hope the newish job is going well

day 212

Ive been quite sad today. Not thinking about gambling, but thinking about what it does to others. I ruined my life. I accept that. It was me and my addiction and reluctance to seek help. I was more thinking about the others impacted. My ex had a husband, could see a future life. She doesn’t have that now. She will survive. She’s the strongest and most sensible person I know, but it’s unfair that this addiction takes so much from people who have nothing to do with it. Even those families who stay together. The trust is broken and needs to be rebuilt. It can be. I speak to many people who are going through this together, but it impacts partners in more ways than we can know. Gambling isn’t just about us, the gamblers, it’s about everyone who knows that person. My family now speak to me in a different way. More cautious around money and sport. I know they worry about me and probably chat about me behind closed doors. This has touched so many life’s in different ways. 

I hope everyone that I’ve impacted gets through this. I am going from strength to strength but this period of my life will stay with me forever emotionally.

stay strong 💪 

Hi Fish

You have done so well and I'm inspired by the fact that even though your wife could not forgive you (and of course all who have ever turned into a gambling monster understand this response from a loved one harmed by gambling) you still stuck to what you said and quit anyway. Despite being thrown into challenging circumstances due to the relationship breakdown. It would have been so easy and probably understandable to press the **** it button. What a strong man, and I am very struck as well by how much time you spend encouraging others and cheering them on. Star (also thinking of the other brilliant regulars on here too)! Peer support is the best thing ever. 

Thanks Roxy. Always nice to hear that. Peer support has been the lifeline I needed through this. It’s tough to do this with support so without is a living nightmare sometimes. Luckily this place has been my support. I’m in the chat rooms most nights and I can honestly stay it is with the support of everyone in here that I’ve got to this point.

Day 217.

Hard to imagine I was the person at the start of this journey. 7 months ago I ruined my previous life. Well, that’s not really true, I slowly ruined it for years prior to that. 7 months ago changed my life. That’s better and more truthful. I changed it in ways I had no control over. It changed me as a person. It changed others too, and for that I’ll always be regretful. Unfortunately gambling got in the way of my life. It provided me with a safe space to escape the world. It was all a con obviously, and it just created chaos. 

7 months later and my life is completely different. I’m a new person. I understand what it is to be a real human now. I can enjoy things. I can sleep. I can eat. I can put petrol in my car. I can enjoy the odd night out. Life is on the up both financially and emotionally. It’s not been pretty, and it shouldn’t have come to this. But it did. The only thing you can do when this happens is tackle it head on. Take the punches, accept your fate, and make changes to ensure you never hit that low again. The advice I received in here, from so many people, got me to this point. Even my ex wife’s actions in binning me got me to this point. Everything that has happened up until now has impacted how I’ve got to this point. The most important thing though was me. I had to change. I had to adapt, I had to want this. Nothing like being on the bring of losing almost everything to bring things into perspective. I didn’t lose everything. I’m still alive, although that was touch and go for a few nights. I lost everything else though. 

7 months is a long time. 7 months flew by. 7 months has given me so much back. No matter how low you are, you can’t predict the future. You can’t predict how your life will pan out, but I can testify that if you give it a chance and put in the hard work, you can be happy again. 

Stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm swell said Fish 🐟👏👏👏

Pink Lady 🩷🍎

Day 224. 

These number fairly rack up! Another payday and my debt is quickly going down. Turns out if you put in the hard work. Pick up extra shifts and spend as little as possible you can get things under control.

Still no urges to gamble. Still have a massive hatred of everything gambling related. That’s really what’s got me through to this point. Been a rough 7 months, and gambling did that to me. Easy to hate something when it’s taken so much from you. I guess it must be hard to find that hatred if gambling hasn’t taken it from you so I guess in a way I’m glad it did. I’d still be gambling now probably if it hadn’t worked out this way. Who knows?

Anyway. Just checking in. Will be in chatroom tonight as always. Nice to see some new faces making regular appearances. Proof the chatrooms work.

Stay strong 💪 

Well done Fish on coming this far.

I’ve read all your posts and they’ve really inspired me. I’m on day 36 and it’s been tough but I totally resonate with you regarding the hatred of gambling. I was so transfixed by online slots and couldn’t wait to get to the comfort of the sofa every night to log on and totally waste so much money chasing bonus rounds which hardly ever appeared.

I feel so much physically and mentally healthy now, no sleepless nights or wondering how I could juggle funds to get the next win which was only spent back on that site or another.

Enjoying focusing more on my family and applying myself more at work. I really hope I can see this through and get to where you are Fish. Hope you are really proud of yourself and you continue to thrive.

Tough, gritty and ultimately, a rewarding read as ever. Thanks for the inspiration and advice at the start of my journey. 

Such a herculean effort under the circumstances you faced at the beginning. You truly deserve everything you get now as you transition into the person you know you really are deep down. 

I am still having a bit of trouble forgiving myself and moving forwards but I know if the good I do outweighs the bad, I can tip the scales back in my favour and slowly begin to forgive myself. 

Once again, I think I speak for myself and others when I say thank you for sharing your journey in a candid way, it really is relatable. 

Congratulations on your 7 months and wishing you continued success in perpetuity : )

Jay

As always I’m honoured and privileged to have people find my journey useful. It’s not what I intended, it’s not my goal now. It’s just me and my struggle with gambling. It is however a huge inspiration to me that others find my route a help in their journey.

Yesterday I got to lay a wreath to commemorate Remembrance Sunday. I’ve got medals, I’ve done my service. But it’s not about that. It’s about remembering those who gave everything. It made me think. I’ve given lots. I’ve lost lots due to my service. Family time, a marriage, but I’m still alive. Post service I’ve lost another marriage due to gambling. I’ve ruined my life and someone else’s because I gambled. I didn’t control it. I have seen the worst in people. I’ve seen the best in people. Seeing the things I’ve seen and done levels you. I’m not in any way saying my experiences have brought me to where I am, but I am saying these experiences have made me stronger. No matter what I’ve done, no matter the hurt I’ve caused, people are resilient. We can all get through this. Many people have been through worse.

I’m not a horrible person. I’ve done horrible things. I’ve hurt many people; but I’ve never done anything in my job I wasn’t in control of. Orders, yes, I did that. A job is a job. Gambling, I wasn’t in control. I can admit that now. It was me, but it was another me. It’s only when you quit you realise that the person who controlled you was you but also not you. The one who gave the orders was not actually you, but a different you. They were in charge, more than anyone can understand, but once you get past that, you realise, you are in charge. That person is fake. They just have so much control it’s hard to let go.

Thos post is for all the people who have suffered. War is war. There is no solution. Gambling is a fight, but there is a solution. It can ruin lives in similar ways, it can lead to similar mental emotions. But it can be stopped.

Lest we forget, and lest we forget the other side of us💪

Day 231

Still smashing along. No urges, no desire to gamble. I still read every entry on here each day and that keeps my motivation high. Hatred of gambling is my key and hearing new stories of pain and hurt keeps that hatred high.

Early start for work tomorrow so just a quick entry to keep my mind ticking over.

Stay strong 💪 

Good work! What an inspiration to others 🙂

Day 235

Stuck at work. 3 nightshifts. Yay!

No desire to gamble and for once in my life, my financial situation has been planned and is working. I knew I would have a tight few months coming up so I made sure I'd saved a few months rent to make sure it was covered. Used the first of my savings this month to cover rent and still have 2 months more saved. This still means i can save some every month and pretty much enjoy life as I want to. I can have the odd night out. I can buy something nice for dinner. Got a work Xmas party next month and can stay in a hotel. Basically, I can be an adult with money. What a change from this time last year. Literally scraping together daily money to survive or pay bills. Looking back, I'm embarrassed that that was me. Acceptance of that fact though keeps me on the right path. That was me, I did that. I had no control, until I took it. Sounds easy to say now. It's a very hard thing to do though. I hope anyone who reads this can see that in a relatively short space of time, no matter how bad things seem, there is a way out. It's often not a pretty way out, and may cost you dearly, but it is a way out, and with a little time and patience, you can be better than you've ever imagined.

Gamblers lie, to themselves, to others. Once you are free from that, knowing you are now truthful, is such a reward. Plus you get to have some money for once!

Stay strong 👍 

@p6z38njbqm 👌🐟💙💪💪💪💪

Great read Fish! Long May it continue.

Your friend Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

@p6z38njbqm Amen to that, what a turnaround. It's amazing what we can all do when we put the hard work in and don't give up WELL DONE 🙂

Day 237

Going radio silent for a few days as have a trip away. First real trip since this all began, so looking forward to it. It was really good to see lots of people in the chatroom tonight. Obviously it would be better if no one had to use this site, but until gambling is made illegal (never going to happen), we will continue to see people harmed by it. Still though, to see new people engaging and actively seeking help is great. The chatrooms really do help. It's not all doom and gloom. Its sometimes just nice to vent about your day. Highly recommend dropping in.

Last night shift tonight before a quick sleep, trip to dentist, then off on a break. Will be back on Sunday probably as I'm working Monday. Yay!

Cant believe its Christmas soon. Almost new year. Soon I can say, I've not gambled since last year, and then in a few months it will actually have been a full year. Never thought I'd be saying that. Never thought I'd be in this position in the first place, but hey, we make our bed, we lie in it.

Anyway, back to work. See you all in a few days.

Stay strong 👍