Diary 1st entry, Repeatedly letting down everyone who has supported me.....one day ill lose everything

Hi RyanNI and well done for starting a diary. It can be hard to have a 1 to 1 talk on chat sometimes so these diaries are a great way to talk.

Tell us a bit about yourself. What do you do? How long have you been with your GF? What sort of gambling do you like?

It is possible to stop Ryan and it only takes two things. Firstly you have to want to stop. If your not 100% ready to stop, nothing anyone can do or say will help you. Secondly, it requires dedication. Dedication to stay commited. It's not easy mate but it depends how much you want to change.

Thanks Mate

Im 29, Im a sales account manager for a drinks company, pretty much been gambling for 12 years and the addiction has been i would say for all that time, whether it was blowing my student loan playing fruit machines, to then playing online poker at crazy stakes for 3 years to where i am now which is playing high money slot machines.

Ive hit what ive believed to be rock bottom several times, my best friend bailed me out every time and then it came to breaking point about 4 months ago when i had to admit to him once again id not been able to stop

Basically then he demanded i tell my gf (of 2 years) about my addiction, this then led to a recovery period. She was obviously shocked and amazed i had kept it from her but she was immensly supportive once she got her head round it. My best friend basically said if i didnt pay him back what i owed him (3k) in the alloted time period that we would be finished as mates and he would go to my parents (who i had to come clean to about 4 years ago after poker ruined me)

So basically together we set up my councilling and a payment plan to get me back up and running, pay off my debts and sort it all out.

Thats all on track, but unfortunately ive found other ways to get money to gamble and the lies and the deciet are killing me. I went over 2 months without gambling but my gf was becoming more and more disillusioned about me talking about our private life to a councillor that it seemed to be driving a wedge so i stopped going. I didnt really want to stop but im caught between a rock and a hard place.

she didnt specifically say stop but it was more of a 'what can you discuss with her that you cant dicsuss with me', which constantly became an issue.

Ive slipped back into my old habits and im digging a big hole for myself again. She thinks im doing great, and i was but im not any longer and havent been for around 6 weeks. Eevery day this week ive just told myself how much i want to stop but the debt keeps killing me and i go back trying to wipe away my worries with a win....but in reality even if i do win ill keep playing cause i literally cant walk away, its like a magnet.

People say 'you have to want to stop' but i do.....but i cant, and i try, and ive been to more than 10 councilling sessions this year alone and still cant get a grip on it all. its going to ruin my life.

Anyway...well thats me, what about you mate? Whats your story??

Its after Midnight so this is Day 1 i guess

Day 1

Ok so today i have to find a way to pay the money i owe.

My friend is lending me £120 to clear my borrowed money from the golf club where i pumped that into the fruit machine earlier this evening.

I need to borrow a further £250 to clear the other debts i have, one being a work debt and the others being £20 and £30 debts to friends here and there.

As of now i dont know how im paying back what i borrow seeing as my gf looks after my bank balance and i dont get paid until next thursday.

I just have to ensure that the outstanding debts dont lead me to borrowing the money and gambling further in order to win a big jackpot to try and bail me out

That WONT work Ryan, seeing as you have already ahd about 15 goes at it in the last 6 weeks and none of them worked

I need to get the immediate debts cleared for a weeks peace of mind before i work out how to pay the borrowed money back

This is just one never ending circle, i just think 'if i had £300 right now my life would be sweet again'

But if that was the case id probably think 'hey ive no outstanding debts...no harm in a £10 rattle on the slots (which turns into £500)

Here we go...day 1

Hello,

Just read your diary, and also your post on Pellikakin's diary. Everything you say is very true, it'd be great to gamble and have fun, but we just can't. I'm in a similiar place to you with debts, and the urge to gamble them down is huge ('it's worked before, why not this time?')

But we can't win because we can't stop. I found that out to my cost recently.

Good luck with it all, and keep posting

mm

mate am 23 n got a problem aw adae is gamble a lost neary 900 last nite on fitbaw n ave been gambling hard fur last 7year but the last 4 weeks has got me thinking a cant go on like ths ave been ae the ga twice n it helped fur wee while but ended up gambling again aw the time n am riteing the noo hinkin abt dogeing work tae go chase dow ave lost wae money thts no even mine th

ts how bad its got did the counsling help u?

The counselling helps but only if you have the support of someone important behind you.

If you think you can go to councilling and not tell anyone else about your problems it wont work because as a gambler you need a reason to stop, its too easy to go to councilling and continue to gamble if you do it by yourself.

Also thanks milkman, good to hear from you too mate 🙂

Three little notes to youself today Ryan

1.) Post on this EVERYDAY without failt

2.) If you do slip make sure you still post and don't just go 'ahhh f*** it youve broken again whats tthe point'

3.) If you do get to a good number of days like 50 or so don't think you dont need to post cause you have already gone over 365 days in the past and STILL cracked

Come on, your one competitive son of a b****, lets take on this challenge and a amass a record amount of days as opposed to trying to amass a record number of winnings you stupid idiot

Ryan

Hello Ryan.

Glad to see you've had alot of posts on your diary already. Like myself you are young enough to turn this around now before it gets any worse.

Going back to my previous post about wanting to stop; sorry if that sounded silly. But I went through a stage of "yeah, I'll give it a go and see what happens". I tried this approach twice and managed to keep clean for a month each time, but ineviatable slipped back into my old ways.

I now know that I have to stop, plain and simple. I can't have the odd flutter on the football or a fiver in the fruit machine because it isn't enough for me. The winning is irrelevant for me as I only give it all back in the end.

If this sounds like you, ask yourself; what's the point in putting £120 in the fruit machine at the golf club if over the next few days your going to put it straight back in?

Compulsive gamblers cannot walk away. We're on top of the world when we win. Life seems great and everyones happy. We have winnings to play with which we'll use to win more.

But then we lose. The £5 bet on black on the roulette didn't land so we up it to £10 to get our money back, then £20, £40, £80, £160, £320. The roulette table won't let us place a bigger bet as we've reached the table limit. We're furious. We've just lost £635 to try and win back the £5 we lost. The reality kicks in. We feel sick.

It's at this point we have two choices. We chase the losses in the hope we can get the money back, or, we take a look back and realise we need help.

This is how it can lead and worse Ryan.

The debts will sort themselves out. They won't if you continue to gamble.

It's hard, very hard to stop. But it's not impossible.

I appreciate everyone is different. Some people have stronger compulsions that others and different things work for different folks. For me, I treat one day at a time, today I will not gamble. When tomorrow comes; today I will not gamble. For me, thinking ahead and getting too far infront of myself didn't work. I got complacent, i thought I was cured. I had a £20 bet just to see if I could and then walk away. I couldn't. I wasn't bothered about the £20, I was bothered about the 30 days of recovery wasted. I'd let myself down.

You sound a decent bloke mate, a good job, a loving girlfriend and good friends.

I wish you well in your recovery.

Hi Brad

Thanks for you post mate, your right in everything you say, so dangerous to give it the 'im cured approach' or the 'sure its been aggggges and im financially sound now' approach

I went a year without gambling about 3 years ago, got myself into good shape, i remember the day i walked back in to play the slots

I put 20 in....lost it....went out and took 100, turned that 100 into 895.......and that started the spiral

It didnt matter if i won or lost...its that i played.....and playing will NEVER work and as a gambler thats the hardest thing to face...i CANT gamble, im an addict plus im so s * i t at it!!

My day 1 diary post starts next!

Day 1 report

Well thats day 1 out of the way, no gambling but that was the shittest day for many reasons, although in the end it didnt turn out too bad i guess

Started at 7am driving 50 miles to borrow the £300 i need to pay off various debts. However that took 2 hours longer than it should have which resulted in me

Being over an hour late for a training session i was to do with a customer. Not good

Anyway i eventually got it all done and it went well.

I then called into the golf club and paid off the £120 i owed them from playing the fruit machine yesterday. I had a small thought of 'should i stick a tenner in to see if its still full' but i didnt bother cause its absolutely pointless and ive just borrowed the money to sort the debt out i cant be bothered raking up more again

Tomorrow i will clear the other little 'owings' i have with the rest of that money, how im paying back the money borrowed to do this at the end of the month i dont know yet as my gf manages my bank balance, but ill work that out closer to the time. The one thing i do know is that im not going to try and gamble to win it............or at least im going to attempt to try!!

I actually have been looking forward today to getting back on here and reading more diaries and posting my own thoughts from the day.

The thought of having somewhere to vent eveyrthing im thinking and reading about other gmablers daily life really gave me a buzz cause it makes me think im not alone.

Roll on day 2

Day 1 report

Well thats day 1 out of the way, no gambling but that was the shittest day for many reasons, although in the end it didnt turn out too bad i guess

Started at 7am driving 50 miles to borrow the £300 i need to pay off various debts. However that took 2 hours longer than it should have which resulted in me

Being over an hour late for a training session i was to do with a customer. Not good

Anyway i eventually got it all done and it went well.

I then called into the golf club and paid off the £120 i owed them from playing the fruit machine yesterday. I had a small thought of 'should i stick a tenner in to see if its still full' but i didnt bother cause its absolutely pointless and ive just borrowed the money to sort the debt out i cant be bothered raking up more again

Tomorrow i will clear the other little 'owings' i have with the rest of that money, how im paying back the money borrowed to do this at the end of the month i dont know yet as my gf manages my bank balance, but ill work that out closer to the time. The one thing i do know is that im not going to try and gamble to win it............or at least im going to attempt to try!!

I actually have been looking forward today to getting back on here and reading more diaries and posting my own thoughts from the day.

The thought of having somewhere to vent eveyrthing im thinking and reading about other gmablers daily life really gave me a buzz cause it makes me think im not alone.

Roll on day 2

Living a lie is like trying to cross a busy road. You never know when you might get killed. You are a compulsive gambler. Just like most of us on this site. Give it up mentally. That is the first step. You will never win because you will always want more. If you lose you will want to lose more to win back what you have lost. It's called the never ending cycle of despair.

Your GF should understand that you need counselling and let you get on with it. If she doesn't understand how you can talk to someone else about your problems then you need to put you foot down. If she doesn't understand then ask your counsellor for assistance in this matter.

It's your life and you need help. Gambling is evil and you can't win. Give it up mentally and put it in a box and bury it before it destroys you.

I understand what you are saying but i guess us gamblers have to be sympathetic to those who have never dealt with addiction

My gf doesnt know what its like to be an addict and she cant understand how it works. Its also a big shock for her to find out about it after 2 years so theres going to be a lot of questions and problems rolling around in her head

I would love her to just accept the councelling and not ask what went on during it etc but its just paranoia of how can you discuss all this with someone else and not with me sort of thing

I know what she means, shes been amazing too me despite me lumping my addiction onto her recently, i cant expect Rome to be built in a day when it comes to her dealing with it and rationslising it

Also i changed my screen name just to protect my identity a bit more, my name and where i came from was a bit of a giveaway if anyone i knew logged on here

I only want gamblers and support people to read my diary as they understand how it is to be an addict

I have a lot of sympathy with your last post.

Some people here advocate telling their partner / parents, some feel VERY strongly that you should, others can't or won't tell anyone for a variety of reasons - fear of devastating the other person, pride, fear of reprisals or splitting up families etc.

I don't think many people would disagree that we ought to tell our significant others...it's just that some of us can't. I can't for example. It would destroy my other half and I'd rather bear it alone.

You have told your gf, though, and good for you. You're right, can you imagine how she's processing that information if she didn't previously know anything...obviously the counselling is a good idea, but she'll have to adjust perhaps more slowly, and then perhaps she'll be happy for you to go.

On the other hand, you really have to stay stopped now that you've taken her into your trust - or tell her when you fall. you shouldn't give her half a story and then cut it off when the going gets tough. (That's my opinion, anyway - from someone who's still living a lie).

I look forward to reading how you get on

all the best