Diary 1st entry, Repeatedly letting down everyone who has supported me.....one day ill lose everything

Hi everyone

Thanks for your posts

Dunc I appreciate your honesty

Woodcock I feel how you understand the place I'm in right now

Land I appreciate your wonga advice

So here I am, home after a night out with my fiancé and friends who are getting married soon

I managed to go out and have fun and forget about my problems in the most part

I only spent £15 all night, that's ironic as all week I was thinking ill spend £60 minimum

Typical

Anyway I came home, had a shower and this is how I thought....

If I had had money in my bank account and if I hadn't put bet filter on my comp I absolutely would have played online poker

I believe cause I'm so in the gambling routine that is the natural paths

the psychology of gambling is so difficult, you could talk about it all day and never understand why it happens like it does

I have had no reply from my boss yet

I don't know if ill be able to get my finances sorted

All I can say is I didn't gamble today

Hooray for that I suppose

NI

"you did win because you did stop"

No fueling that fire.

feels good eh???

keep on winning.

the choice is yours.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thanks dunc 🙂

Im on here posting cause pretty much im putting off going to sleep i think

Tomorrow morning ill be down to the office to see my boss and see whether im going to be loaned the money that i HAVE to get otherwise my life pretty much falls apart

Its a horrible feeling putting your life in the hands of someone else because everytime i ask someone for money im waiting on their reply and i have no control over it and its horrible

But thats what you get when you gamble, you lose control over everything

I lose control over myself as i cant stop

I lose control over the decisions i make because i dont have the money to make decisions

I lose control over how other people view me cause i damange the relationships by asking for their money

I really cant stand the thought of tomorrow, i hate that its come to this

It ALWAYS comes to this

If he says no tomororw i have nothing

I will have £10 to my name after i get petrol

£10 and £1400 of bills to pay

Hows it even possible?

I really do hate myself at the moment.

Hi NIboy how did today go with you're boss? Hope it has worked out for you mate really do

Hey Woody

It went as well as it could with the boss today i guess

He was cool as always, he said things are tight but he reckons he could spare £700 now and then a bit more as time goes by

He also offered some great advice and related it to struggles he has had in the past with things not gambling related but that have connection

I want to feel better but until i actually get all the money i need i cant

I need to get the money paid off what i owe, im literally running out of time

I need £150 put into my house savings before my fiance finds out

I have a wonga loan which is gaining a TENNER interest a day

I have other bills outstanding that are close to breaking point

Its so terrible to say but all i can think about is the money and getting these bills clear

I just want to get it and then do the thank you's afterwards

Its terrible relying on other peoples decisions and time frames when you are in a gambling financial crisis

I hope he can give me that intial £700 tomorrow

But i actually wont be able to think clearly until i have about £1,200 im in that much s**t right now

Sounds like your still up against it but slowly moving in right direction.

It will come mate don't worry, just stay positive.

I was the same as you on the weekend and couldn't believe how little I spent, if you get through this next week things will improve. It's a test mate, stay positive!

Cheers Woody, your a good guy!

I got 750 from the boss, he said once we get a a few more debtors money in he can spare some more

Im really humbled by his generosity and ive whacked 500 off the wonga loan to ease the interest and ive paid a couple of other bits a peaces

Hopefully this is the start of the road to recovery

Onwards and upwards...its entitrely up to me what happens....

NI

fella. To look from the outside today i draw this summary.

You have a secure job

a great understanding boss.

A fiancee

a savings account which grows.

A decreasing debt.

My friend I Will ask you a question.

Why would you gamble this????

Whatever the odds on offer they are simply not high enough.

My hope, you agree, and today marks a big day, a step forward.

And change the mantra.

I did win because I did stop.

Be proud, you ran in the right direction today!!

Recovery is to be enjoyed.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Duncs great post mate

Like seriously good post, really sums it up to be honest

Im sitting here with my head in my hands

Not because ive gambled.....but just sitting wondering why it so hard to quit

I read what you have just posted and it makes PERFECT sense and yet im sitting here going why cant i just go 'im stopping, thats it im never doing it again'

Its probably the most confusing feeling in the whole world

Ex smokers have nicorette

Ex drinkers have non alcoholic beer

Ex druggies have cigarettes! lol

What do gamblers have though?

What do we have that can help us ween off our addiction slowly?

Absolutely nothing

We have to go cold turkey, completely cold turkey

And thats what i think is so hard

We can give up gambling when we are mad at it

But when the hurt heals we forgive it and go back to it

I need to make the smart decision

I need to make SMARTER decisions

NI

my friend there is only one decision you need to make.

To hand over yourself to recovery.

That is what we have RECOVERY.

That is our medicine. Our sanctuary. You Will if you give it as much effort as you gave to your addiction you Will be rewarded.

100% payrise

Honesty.

Time.

And for me most of all you get a peace of mind. Harmony.

Balance all these against what addiction delivers.

Constant losses. I cannot win because i cannot stop.

Dishonesty.

Self loathing.

Time wasted.

Theft.

Eventually you risk the loss of everything. Home, job, family, friends the whole shooting match.

For me fella recovery is humbling, enriching beyond any win, it comes with effort, a job for life, there is no shame, pride Will grow, all you need to do is 100% commit.

The addiction, compulsion to gamble knows no bounds, it is not prejudice. It is all consuming and devious.

There is an answer. Abstinence.

To abstain and maintain.

One day at a time you better your tomorrow, me I do greatly enjoy life today.

To end. How do you make a compulsive gambler a millionaire????

Start him a billionaire!!!!!

Duncs stepping forward never back.

I made a pact with myself that i wouldnt post on here again until i could complete 7 gamble free days

Yesterday i completed my 7th gamble free day

I have struggled to break the routine of gambling everyday for months now. I couldnt get past 2 days because i was so used to gambling everyday

A few things have happened in the last 2 weeks which have motivatd me to abstain from all forms of gambling for the last 7 days

7 days is not a lifetime but in terms of my everyday gambling it seems like a lifetime

I feel much better for not gambling

I have a clearer head and a clearer conceince

I still have a lot of work to do both finacially and in abstaining but i have got to the hardest part and that is 7 days

I hope to post up 14, then 21 and so forth

Great to see you back on the mend mate. Your posts before last were obviously a cause of concern.

I had previously thought of saying that you need to post regularly as your downfalls appear to have co-incided with periods of not posting. However, if you're committing to posting once a week, religiously, then that's as good as.

I can see spending too much time on here can in some circumstances be a negative - loss of time, transferral of compulsive behaviour from gambling to a recovery forum, at the expense of real life experiences. This is something I'm aware of in myself- although for me the positives still greatly outweigh any negative.

As long as you do stick to the every week thing then I reckon your onto a winner.

Good luck

Ryan, so so pleased to log on (also for the first time in while) and see you've got some good news 🙂

7 days is a cracking effort mate, here's to 14, 21 etc as you say!

I'm going to update my diary now, been a while but still off the gambling thank god, despite breaking up wi the GF and having a pretty horrendous few weeks as a result. More tempting than ever right now hence I came on here I guess

Forgot we were going to chat on Facebook or something. Still keen to do that. Email me your name to [email protected] and ill find you on the book and add you if you want?

Stay strong,

PK

Hey Ryan,

Great Job! Keep it up, your gonna succeed at beating this addiction!

Chicagoguy

Ryan.

My friend i am so pleased to read you completed 7 days consecutively abstaining. I hope this continues and serves you well.

As i have said many times recovery is bespoke, do what suits you as you are the person that matters most.

Keep making that choice.

Be proud.

Duncs stepping forward never back.