Diary 1st entry, Repeatedly letting down everyone who has supported me.....one day ill lose everything

Hi Ryan.

I had a good read through your diary this morning. I really felt the pain and stress you've been under later because I've been there to mate 🙁

Reading it was kinda like roller coaster ride.

I was so pleased for you when you popped the question but then gutted for you after the latest relapse.

It seems like your back on track again though, well done mate.

I can see so many similarities in us. I to do really well after a big blow out. And then after a good few months my finances are fixed, bills are payed. Complacency kicks in! Then that little voice says 'why not have a little flutter? I'll control myself this time'.

Deep down, I really wish I could control my gambling. I'd love to be a pro gambler who has self control, who picks and chooses his bets and can except the losses. But I can't because I'm a CG.

I really miss the action when I'm in sobriety. And I too feel as if my life is boring without it. But I'm at the stage now where I no if I make a bet I will eventually lose in the long run. So why throw my hard earned money away.

I'm definitely going to follow your progress mate. And i for sure like everyone else on this site is hoping times become less stressful for you and hope you refrain from gambling. Because I know that, that is the path to self destruction.

Stay strong mate, and all the best.

Terry.

Hi everyone thanks for your kind posts

Pk I will add you when I get home from the stag do I'm on at the minute, thanks for that

Thanks to Chicago guy, Duncan and Terry for all you're positive feedback!

I can happily say I'm 14 days gamble free

I have not gambled in any shape or form

I am on a stag do and spend last night in a bar playing pool and drinking with a fruit machine right beside me. I handled my urges well

I feel a million times better for not gambling, clear headed, positive and rational

I am enjoying this feeling

I will hopefully be posting 21 days next week

Hi Ryan,

Just checking in mate.

Not been on here for a bit and seems you haven't either.

Hope you're doing good. Even if you have relapsed make sure you come back, we're here to help.

Hopefully you're just in one of those periods where you don't come on her for a bit but you're still gamble free 🙂

Either way, big up yourself and speak soon

PK

How was the stag night? Any chance of an update?

Deary me

Been a long time since I have been on here.

I better explain my whereabouts and where I am now

April was the last time, that stag do was brilliant. I remember it vividly because I was not gambling and I was like 21 days clean and stopping because I had really had enough

I think I was gamble free for another week after it

Then things got bad, I started gambling and it all spiralled out of control.

The day after my friends wedding (the stag do one) in may I had to come clean to my father and fiancé about my gambling.

Initially my fiancé walked out on me and didn't come back for about an hour. We talked it through and she was furious and said she couldn't believe we were here again

We worked it out and she decided that she didn't want to let gambling break us apart and she would help me through it.

She was and is amazing

I went gamble free from May until around the start of August when I had a slip but I didn't tell her cause my slips are usually between £300-£1000

My parents and my fiancé have always said 'we are here for you, when you feel the urge just ring us and we will help you'

However no matter how many times people reach out and help I always just bury my head in the sand and let the urges get the better of me.

I decided on August 6th to go to Gamblers Anonoymous. I wanted to do it and I felt I NEEDED to do it so I started going. I didn't tell anyone I just went because when I told my fiancé in May I wanted to go to GA she said no because I had already gone to Professional councillng behind her back and that really hurt her so she wanted me to talk to her about my addiction more so she could learn rather than constantly run to other people and talk about my problems

I enjoyed every meeting and I got a lot out of it

However I fell off the wagon on Spet 13th and that started the downward spiral

I racked up nearly £2500 of debt and and I had to come clean to my parents 3 weeks ago

they paid the debts I had because if they weren't then I would have been out of a job basically

They said this was the last time they could ever do this and I would have to tell my fiancé next time and that would be the end of our relationship and the wedding next july would be off (baring in mind that the wedding is paid and half of our honeymoon is paid)

So I managed a whole TWELVE DAYS without gambling before having a day where all I could think about was gambling

I cracked and in the past 10days I have racked up nearly £1200 of debts playing 2 FTOBs at once in ********* nearly every day

I am absolutely addicted to playing that Pyramids of Giza and its literally all I can think about

I have bee going to my GA meetings and I ususally stay off for a couple of days but then I go back chasing

I literally appear to have learned NOTHING from all the hurt and pain I have caused to everyone

I am not telling any sob stories, im going to get what is coming to me very very soon I know that.

But what troubles me the most is that no matter what I have done, GAM CARE, CPROFESSIONAL COUSELLING, GAMB ANONYMOUS, FAMILY AND PARTNER HELP AND SUPPORT.......none of it has worked

In fact I am barely able to go a month without gambling

My whole conscience seems to have desensitised to what I am doing and have done. To the stage were I stand in front of the mirror talking to myself telling myself to stop

Screaming at the top of my voice in the car asking gambling to f*** off out of my life. I don't know how im going to have a life at all

I really came on here to just express my thoughts, I think im a lost cause, its going to be awful losing my fiancé and alienating myself from my family

All they ever wanted to do was to help me yet I wouldn't take the help

If people on here had been offered the help ive been offered they would have been so appreciative of it

But ive abused it and ill probably only realise that once ive lost everything which right now is closer than ever

Thanks for reading

I thought id just post some of my thoughts so I can get them out and not let them build up

I don't expect many responses to my posts, ive been on and off this site like crazy just like ive been in and out of counselling and GA like crazy

Im feeling so unbelievably confused

3 Weeks ago I was spilling my heart out to my parents (again) about how desperate my situation was and how scared I was of losing my fiancé, our marriage and my future life

They helped me and within 12 days id blown it all again

I just cant stop thinking about that Tuesday, it was Oct 29th

I woke up and I felt good, it was 12 days gambling free and I was feeling positive. I hadn't picked up any customer money purposefully because I have literally been taking it straight to the FTOBs for months and spending it straight away....hence what got me into this mess

My boss has given me a cash deposit card and said just get the money and get straight to a post office so its out of your hands quickly

However as soon as its in my hands it becomes like a ticking time bomb

That Tuesday I picked up £100 from a customer at about 11am

I didn't think about gambling until I literally had it in my wallet

I did a few more calls and I went home for lunch

My mum asked me if I was ok and if I was managing the urges ok, I said I was, I just couldn't tell her I wasn't....cause I wanted to gamble, I knew that's what I wanted

I drove to the bookies, but I sat in the car outside it for at least 15 minutes

I was talking to myself, I kept sayin 'this is silly, as soon as you cross that line theres no going back'

Over and over I told myself what the consequences would be.

I eventually got out of the car and in I went

The first spin my stomach felt sick, I kept thinking about what I was doing to my family but id crossed the line

2 hours later I was up £350 and had a meeting to go to

But I played on until I was an hour late for the meeting and only £60 up

The cycle had begun

Here I am two weeks later £1200 down

Every day my parents ask me how im getting on, im lying to them again, so soon after they helped me

I owe work £645

I owe my friend £500

I owe me and my fiancés savings £300

All I can think of is chasing the losses and trying to make it manageable

That's not the right thing to do, but my options feel so limited

I tell my fiancé and she finds out I told my parents only 3 weeks ago and gambled 12 days after

I tell my parents and they say 'we spend £2500 bailing you out less than a month ago you are on your own now

I tell my boss and face the sack after coming clean to him twice this year about stealing money to gamble

All of the above options seem awful

They say honesty is the best policy....well I was honest 3 weeks ago and then lied nearly straight away

So how can I , and even if I do stop how can they believe me? I have access to work money whether I like it or not so why should they believe me?

I honestly don't see a way out

I guess owning up and losing family and fiancé is the only option

I am hoping for a Christmas bonus, I got £1200 last year but I cant see it being much this year after what I have done (I got one last year despite similar problems)

I don't expect one, for my work I deserve one but for my stealing I deserve sacked.

Its the only way I could potentially pay what I owe

Otherwise id have to take it out of our savings which I have decimated this year paying off debts

How did my life get to this? I really have no idea

31 and lying, gambling, stealing and abusing trust as well as mentally scarring loved ones

I really am pathetic.

You don't appreciate what you have got until its gone

I feel your pain nilboy,I dunno if I'm qualified to give u advice,whtaever you do is gona cause pain,

Personally I would go bk to my parents,I'm sure they would stick by you,- and in the long run find a different job,- your job holds too much temptation for you.

I hope things turn out ok for you,keep gamble free my friend,you've done it before you know you can do it again.

NIBoy,

Mate - I feel your pain. I remember you helped me with some encouraging posts in the early stages of my recovery, so I hope I can be here for you now in some respect.

Your description of events (waiting outside bookies, before going in because the temptation seemed irresistable) was difficult to read - only because it is so familiar. One thing I have slowly learned over the past year however... is that gambling thoughts/urges do not necessarily have to lead to gambling action. For a long, long time I went through circles of:

- A big loss/binge bringing about intense thoughts of self-recrimination

- Determination to quit

- Gambling thoughts creeping back in

- A sense of inevitability that this was bigger/stronger than me and I was powerless to control it

- Gambling action

One thing you must hold on to is that you (and you alone) have the power to break this cycle. Whilst you may always suffer from temptation/urges, compulsive gambling is a horrible beast but one we can ultimately overcome.

Stop entertaining thoughts you can gamble your way out of this mess - you cannot. Even if you won something back, you would lose it eventually. Worse than this, the cycle would be reinforced and the destruction more intense.

My recommendation here is complete honesty. It may be the only way to re-commence a path to recovery. No doubt it will be painful - and there could be fallout - but I think you need it. It doesn't matter whether your folks helped you 12 days ago - 12 weeks ago - or 12 months ago - in order to face up to this thing you need to give yourself the best possible chance.

From experience, this also involves calling upon every resource available to you. I used to confess to my family, post a bit on here, maybe attend a GA meeting or two - and then think I was done with it; that I would be better. I was too proud to hold my hands up and really embrace all the support open to me.

It is only when we stop fighting that there can be a long-term solution. Like me - you are still relatively young, and have the ability to plot your way out of the mess.

Good luck to you bud, I'll be rooting for you.

D123

I don't know, NI.

There seems to be a part of you that wants to be reduced to nothing. You're luckier than most with your support and it's almost as if you're testing your limits.

I can guarantee you wouldn't want to be there when, if, it comes. The Bottom, I mean. You might spend the rest of your life wishing it'd never happened. What if losing your fiancée means you don't meet anyone else and consequently no kids? Can you imagine, for a second, the hurt that you'll cause your poor old M&D when they know what's been going on? Not to mention your monumentally trusting boss, who, despite everything, is giving you another chance. He's trying to teach you to learn to manage money. He's either unbelievably stupid or salt of the Earth; what he is depends on what you do next, and what you make him.

I wish you wouldn't keep disappearing when you're on this site. It takes time and effort to write replies and also a degree of emotional involvement. We all know where you are - it's just, where are you going next. You need to stay around for a while and get in the non-gambling groove.

I'll tell you what I'd do. It's certainly not official advice, and probably far from what most people would recommend. But this is my opinion. I wouldn't tell anyone ie I would continue to lie. I would regard it as a blip. I would pay work back immediately - borrow it if you have to - then your fiancee, then your pal. No drinks, meals out, new clothes, nothing, just scrimp and save and get it sorted. 12 hundred quid is bad but it's not the end of the world. I'm chipping away at a £20k debt, and it's no fun; but you'd be surprised how quickly it goes down when you think about it. That's the easy bit, however. Once your house of cards topples, things will never, ever, be the same. Do you really, really want that? Time to stop hiding behind the cloak of 'I can't help it'. You can. Contact the staff on here and arrange 1to1 counselling. I dunno, put a photo of your M&D and your fiancee in your wallet, anything. Self-exclude (don't take your wallet into the bookies though). Just do it.

Sorry to be so blunt. I can't be that great, or I wouldn't still be here, so tell me to b0110x if you want. But you're young, and you need to sort yourself out or you'll lose what matters most.

A

Hey guys, thank you all for your replies!

Thanks for your Support Robby, I know im not the only one in this fight!

D123 hey mate I remember writing on your page, how are things going for you? Your post was really thought provoking, you made some great points about that lead time to the first bet

Its a cycle I just have not been able to beat recently, and that's down to a lack of willpower, selfishness and general attitude that I don't think I can beat this I guess

Milkman id never tell you where to go. You are telling me the TRUTH and everything you say I need to hear. I regularly sit and wonder about the harm im causing people. Its one of the reasons I enrolled in GA and why I went for 2 months and was not gambling and felt great.

During that time my fiancé and I made the decision that I would take my half of the savings (£10k out of the £20k we have saved in 18months) and pay off the debts ive had since 2005 due to gambling and uni overspending

So I did that because next year we are hoping to get a house.

I was gamble free and debt free. Im trying to work out exactly what went wrong because I was happy and free of gambling thoughts at that time

Once the spiral started I was literally struggling to get through 1 day without gambling. It was like a daily routine and everything else in my life seems so boring (even though its not) compared to the buzz of getting slot features and winning streaks

Its not a good way to be or think and I think im probably as bad now as at any stage in my life. I was going 5-6 months gamble free over the course of a year for the last few years but this yea ive only not gambled from may until august and that's pretty woeful

I didn't gamble today as I was out all day with my boss. Its helped clear my head to a certain extent and ive bee trying to weigh up your points and D123's

My first interest is to get the money back into savings as my fiancé has a card and could check the balance. The work money I can juggle as certain debts are due at certain times so I can always juggle them

The money to pay back my friend will be dependant on a xmas bonus

I have thought about telling everyone but the trail of destruction is deep. Her father has paid probably £2000 in deposits for wedding venue, suits, cars etc and we have paid nearly £3000 off our honeymoon

Now if I continue to gamble I will have no choice

Even if I don't I might not have a choice if I don't get a bonus, so I am a man living on the edge

However the MOST worrying thing for me is im prioritising protecting the above points........rather than prioritising NOT GAMBLING

That should be my main focus, but the problems with having debts that are dangerous means you are spending time thinking about how to avoid disaster as opposed to avoiding gambling

However I will just have to learn to manage

Id also like to apologise for just disappearing off the site. I know I shouldn't but when I came clean in May it really was awful and I felt my full concentration should go to my fiancé and my family after what I had done.

I should have been posting though as I know there is a lot of emotional investment in caring for someones well being. I hope you don't think im a bad person for it because if you met me youd see im a good guy, but I make terrible choices when it comes to gambling and im NOT good at learning from my mistakes

I really am sorry for just going vanished, but amongst the gambling I have been trying to do the right things attending GA and trying to open up to people about my problems

Thanks again for the advice, I do appreciate it

NI

Hi

I was/am in your position I just could not stop gambling every few days the pressure would get me. I have been taking a low dosage of anti anxiety medication and have found this beneficial. I know before I started on them I was very skeptical but I am now over 6 weeks free of a bet and I seem to be able to handle things better. There not for ever either as the GP has put in place a plan to come off them he knows my situation and all seems well at the moment. Maybe you need to think about alternative routes to managing your addiction. Before I started this route I would have been terrified of taking medication but I see no side effects barring I am not over thinking minor situations which was causing me to constantly go back gambling.

Hi NI,

I come across as a scary teacher in my previous reply, sorry for that.

I don't for one moment think you're a bad person; like most of us here, you've got an illness that the 'good' part of you is trying its hardest to fight. You are also younger than I was when I decided I need to take action,so I suppose part of me is telling ME the things i should have heard when I was 31. And I certainly needed telling. It would have prevented my being where I am now.

I assumed your work would find out first, but if you've got some leeway with that then your plan is a good one. Of course, the other option is to come clean and tell everyone, and that might be the better choice. It's just not what I'd do.

People come and go on this site, and we all take what we need, which is how it should be. I just wanted to hear that you're all right.

Hello, thought I would read some of your posts in your diary and drop you a line as a thanks for your reply to mine. Its so strange reading some of your posts as it's like I have wrote it. I went to counselling for over a year and didn't manage to stop gambling so I left for about 6 months, still didn't stop and now I have been going back for about 2 months. I am on day 16 now and believe me thats a big achievement for me! I am so worried about pay day tho as ya obviously gotta have money to gamble and I have always gambled on pay day or the day after.

I am the sort of person that has to understand something first so I have used some time reading addiction books which I found I can relate to certain things. But self awareness and looking at my life has helped me the most and realising some of the reasons why I might gamble...still don't have an exact reason and using this site to remind myself of how many lives gambling wrecks. You are still of a young enough age and not in a mass of debt to make a difference now. I know its easier said than done but you should stop now before it's too late unless you are on self destruct mode! I found when I gamble sometimes I have gambled to loose to think about loosing money and the gambling problem rather than deal with issues in my life its a blocker and an escape. If there was a magic button to help you stop gambling I would press it but unfortunatley none of us can do this. U have been fighting this addiction for far too long, if you can stop that is better than any win, unless subconciously you want to loose, to loose your partner, family or whatever it may be..... Gud luck on your journey 🙂

Hi NI,

What's the news?

Hey

I decided to tell my partner about my gambling and the fact that I had stolen money from work. I felt that it was the right thing to do and the only way to work forward.

It was not a pleasant experience but she is sticking by me but with some choice words and some home truths about how things need to be

I have purchased a diary and I am logging my thoughts in it on a daily basis in order to be more open about how I feel because I just block my feelings and thoughts off and don't say when im struggling

I don't know how the future will pan out really, I have no cure for gambling, like no one does and I cant really say 'this is the last chance saloon its stop or lose it all' because that just makes me feel pressured and all I think about it how one mistake costs me everything and then I just stress and live on the edge

I guess I can only do it one day at a time. This has been the last 15 years of my life, I don't know how it all got to this point but its not a pleasant feeling but one I have to live with

Sometimes I just wish there was some way I could know that it would all be alright and my life would be fun, enjoyable and what I hoped it would be. However I know that's not the case, its probably going to be a daily struggle in the early going and hopefully as time passes I will think less of gambling and more about the real pleasures in life.

I need to try harder, like much harder because I all too easily block out the 'don't do it...don't do it' voice and give it without a real fight.

I really never wanted to be like this, attracted to bright flashing lights and the temptations of risk, but I am and even after all ive lost its still attractive, which is probably the hardest thing

I seem unable to make myself sick of gambling, which is what I want to be. I want to hate it more than anything and I want to regret every gamble ive ever made

But I don't, at least I think I don't, im not sure, I say I do regret but if I really did why would I do it again?

I guess its just confusing generally being a gambling addict, its a life of second guessing yourself about whats right, whats wrong, how you are coping, pretending you are coping, convincing yourself you are coping

Stressful business this gambling

Be nice to be stress free, guess only I can achieve that. Only if I really want it though