Diary 2

Phil72 wrote:

What I've learnt and of course it's just a personal thing is: Having more cash is great as is paying off debts but more importantly to ME - improvement in mental health, no lying to myself and others, re-built relationship with my wife, no "obsession" to gamble or interest in gambling, re-emphasis on other activities that are actually enjoyable etc.

I've actually been very ill over the last six months and in and out of hospital but I've had to get beyond self-pity and realise that major changes in my life had to be initiated. Life as a non-compulsive gambler isn't perfect but for me it's infinitely better.

Hey Phil

Massive congrats on the 1000 days. It's inspiring to read how things have turned around for you since the dark days of gambling and how your future seems so much brighter now (apart from the illness you're experiencing... I hope you're getting the better of that now and wish you all the best with that)

I do hear you about alternatives to GA and other 'fellowship' pathways, however does it really matter which way people decide to climb the mountain? The main thing is that they get climbing and keep going right? I haven't read your diary in full so I can only reflect on my experiences - 2 months ago I was completely lost, distraught and felt like life was caving in on me, whilst I acknowledge it was my own doing I was desperate for a way out, I was also desperate for something to cling on to that would potentially offer me opportunity to change. I did some soul searching and couldn't find any answers, maybe my soul was taken from me through gambling and replaced with a load of debt... Who knows. Anyway I was so worn out with gambling... the way it made me lose myself and I felt I was a ticking time bomb with no control or autonomy. I found GA and with that I found hope, companionship and a potential way out of the madness. That was enough for me at that point... That was something I could cling on to... I was so desperate for change. I haven't gambled since joining and that's enough for me right now. I buy into the program and try and implement the pathways it offers (and yes, jargon is an inevitable bi-product of that I guess) because I feel that gambling is so much bigger than me... I was so frightened of relapsing before I joined and now I am less frightened...

Maybe you've got on top of it through sheer guts, determination, drive and pragmatism. Maybe not everyone has those attributes to the same level you have them... Your story is commendable really. Perhaps GA is for those of us who can't fathom how we could possibly get to where you are now based on the attributes we have at our disposal.

Part of GA is trusting in the process... In a similar way you trusted in your own abilities to get where you are now. Im not sure why you should feel disheartened at the prospect of those in GA supporting others in the GA way... It's the only way that they know right now... Maybe it's the only way they will ever know. Personally I don't care what packaging the peer-to-peer support comes in, get past the semantics and I hope you'll see that ultimately it's all peer-to-peer support and that can only be a good thing. Each individual has autonomy... That's what propelled them into bookmakers and online casinos to begin with, and it is the same autonomy that will be used to determine validity when individuals sift through the advice + insights people offer within these forums - GA or non-GA based. My view re GA jargon is that yes, the packaging may look alien but when you're desperate and lost in those horrible early days I would say it's worth ripping open the packaging regardless and having a look inside. You may feel that after looking inside you are in fact better equipped for the fight and the 12 step program can't add anything to your existing armoury... Fair enough. However in my case I embraced what was in there and am thankful for that, I am thankful to the GA members who prompted me to take a look. You needn't get down about the GA specific jargon being flung around on here and 12 step stuff being bandied about... Rather thank the lord that people still give a s**t about people... Which is something that is less and less becoming of society in general as it evolves (or implodes, depends which way you look at it) :o)

It's all good Phil. Congratulations on the 1000 days once again.

I'm sorry for any offence and unintentionally being confrontational. I didn't want to encroach on someone else's diary.

I certainly don't want any animosity especially after being ill for so long and still feeling fragile. That's what I didn't take into account - the fragility of people who have just stopped or want to stop and are desperately looking for a route to a better life.

An olive branch - I think it would be better if I kept my opinions about 12-step fellowships to myself and, in my own clumsy way, try and be more supportive as I've tried to be in the past.

Belated congratulations on 1000 days, inspirational! Also thank you for encouragement and kind words, best wishes for recovery. Take care S 🙂

Dear Phil72

Thank you for continuing to post in your diary about the improvements in your life that being gamble-free has brought about.

You are right to recognise that you may receive some backlash from other forum members when referring to the effectiveness or otherwise of GA. Indeed, it is likely for most in recovery that there are preferred ways in which to move on from problem gambling and that individuals are likely to have passionately held beliefs about what works for them. However, I am sure that the more available and accessible options we have in order to help each individual would appear to be what most would prefer! In the spirit of keeping options open for everyone however, it is best to have as open a mind as possilble within the forums, and, as you say, your support to other forum users is a valuable aspect of your previous posts.

I am sorry to read that you're still feeling fragile after being ill for a lengthy period. I wish you all the best and, from both me and others at Gamcare, I am delighted to read that you have passed 1000 days gamble-free. This is a wonderful achievement and you must feel proud of this. Keep posting and keep moving forward!

Warm regards

Leigh

Forum Admin

Phil72 wrote:

I'm sorry for any offence and unintentionally being confrontational. I didn't want to encroach on someone else's diary.

I certainly don't want any animosity especially after being ill for so long and still feeling fragile. That's what I didn't take into account - the fragility of people who have just stopped or want to stop and are desperately looking for a route to a better life.

An olive branch - I think it would be better if I kept my opinions about 12-step fellowships to myself and, in my own clumsy way, try and be more supportive as I've tried to be in the past.

Hey Phil

I just think your 1000 days abstainence for gambling is so fantastic. A length of clean time like that is really a beacon of hope to myself and many others no doubt.

As you've already proffered in your previous post - you stopped gambling and your life has become better. I just want a piece of that pie mate... That's all... For me, my wife, my son and our future.

I don't have the skill set you have to grit my teeth and battle through. 2 months ago I reliniquished all control, morality and rational thinking and done all my money in one night. Along with it went my pride, self-esteem, self-confidence and self-belief. GA slowly is giving that back to me... They encourage me to think certain things and spew mantras from time to time but hey... Right now if they told me to dance naked in the town square I'd probably do it... That's how f****d I am right now.

All it was... Whilst I have no right to question your views and opinions regarding your perception of GA... in fact maybe some of the processes are strange and cliche... By making those comments you were inadvertently P*****g on the one little bonfire that keeps my meagre world alight right now... As mentioned I don't have the self-will to battle through this alone... If you P**s on my bonfire and that goes out what have I got left really? I'm lost again... I may as well go buy a copy of the racing post and brace myself.

I've tried GP... Nothings come of that. I've spoken to family and friends - they offer support but don't really 'get it' (fair enough) and their support is hampered by an element of judgement of course.

Please don't P**s on my bonfire. It's all I have left right now. If anything help me to keep it alight somehow... Even by saying nothing about it if that isn't too much to ask... I've met enough people in GA to know that their hopes, dreams and futures are invested in that program... Keep our heads turned the right way and don't distract us ;o)

Isn't it funny that so many gamblers throw all their eggs into this GA basket and just hope for the best? They walk like GA, talk like GA... call it blind faith if you will... I guess that's what gamblers do eh ;o) swapping BLACK 12 ODD for the 12-step :o)

But hey... I've met people in GA who are smashing it. As I said I just want a piece of that pie. Now you have a piece of that pie yourself share it about mate... Positive thoughts, wisdom, insight... That's what we need on here to keep going.

Like I said I'm sorry for my hastily written post but hopefully we can draw a line under it.

I still feel like c**P a lot of the time about my behaviour "back in the day" even with some time under my belt. It can take a long time and a lot of work to start feeling some peace after potentially years of chaos, self-destruction and causing trauma to nearest and dearest.

Believe me though I've had a lot of help and support - I just chose a different path. I've also had to accept all that life has thrown at my wife and I since I stopped gambling.

Life is still difficult gamble-free but at the same time infinitely better!

Hey Phil

I completely hear you about life being difficult post-gambling. People with time under their belt at GA often speak about gambling and debt being under control but now facing a different set of problems in life... I guess problems will always be around - it's how we respond to them that paves the way for a more fulfilling life.

It's good to hear that peace will eventually come if one is patient and keeps working at making good... That's really good to hear. Thanks.

I read on this forum sometimes about the big wins people had - I never had any and it's taken me almost three years to start understanding what drove the destructive behaviour when I wasn't winning anything MORE or less from the start of my going into the bookies constantly aged 40 and stopping at 43. Three years may not seem like a long time but believe me it's possible to wreak havoc in that time frame.

First diary entry for a while. Life is good - despite all the problems we have to deal with. My health isn't great and I have to have an operation in the Spring but I've kept to the path, hopefully become humbler and less argumentative and more willing to listen to other's points of view. My mind is calmer and I can see clearly how I was looking for instant peace and redemption. It has taken a long time to re-build my marriage but things are good between my wife and I and we are looking to the future as a team. Recovery from compulsive behaviour is possible but I've found that daily commitment is KEY and incorporating advice from those who know better and only had/have my best interests at heart is something I've learnt also. I still stick with the one day at a time approach but I can say from the heart my life is infinitely better than three years ago.

Phil

For what it's worth you and your story are an inspiration to many on here. Maybe we will never be hitting the perfect scores in life, even after long periods of abstainence, but your success in recovery and personal development certainly inspires me to keep going and keep aiming higher. There must be positive outcomes at the end of all this struggle, well reading your story helps me to believe that anyway. So you're doing great.

Continue to tackle life's problems safe in the knowledge that if you pursued a different path you'd have a whole load of other problems to deal with on top. Despite the problems you have currently - you also have a hell of a lot to be proud of. Thanks for giving me strength through your story.

As someone with compulsive tendencies of all flavours (from my youth onwards) I feel it's pertinent to re-iterate the importance of commitment. I had to ask myself "how much do I want to stop doing this?" and I knew in my heart that I really, really did. What I didn't realise was there was a lot of underlying issues that (in my opinion) definitely contributed towards many forms of self-destructive behaviour through my life - be it alcohol abuse, drugs, gambling, inappropriate relationships etc. I'm nowhere near "fixed" and probably never will be but I'm certain I've matured a lot in the last three or so years and like a lot of people I appreciate the feedback I get from others. Make that commitment - don't make excuses which may sound harsh but I didn't think I could stop for ONE day I was so enmeshed in gambling. I'm doing it day by day. If you're reading this - you can to and be happier, respected and regain self-respect and self-esteem.

Today is three years since I last gambled. Not a cause of celebration but I'm pleased and happy I was able to stop and hope to continue moving forward (hopefully!) improving as a person though not looking to be a saint and maintaining my journey.

Congratulations on your 3 years Phil & although we haven’t always seen eye to eye in the past & I find myself disagreeing with you again now, today it is purely because I think not having had a gamble for 3 years is a huge achievement 🙂

I think you have worked incredibly hard to get to where you are today & have grown so much...Even though I’m still not sure if it’s my place to be, I am proud of you!

Thank you so much ODAAT. I've always appreciated your constructive criticism. I can't describe how much better life is now.

Well done Phil top effort bud