Don't suffer in silence

I find it strange to find voice again. My dream future if living alone and away from busy mayhem is not actually working out.
It's too quiet and too lonely. Besides, I seem to fail to acknowledge that I need to be taken care of. Which means I need someone by my side to support me on my struggles and mood drops. I have depression for life. I need to learn to live with it and ride the worst dips out.

Doggie helps me..dont get me wrong. I am still putting her first and woofing away daily... (my only communication)... Just yesterday thought if she would keep me company on the streets (that's where I will end up if continue down this path). Dogs don't have much choice do they. I know I would like her by my side..but would she?

I am stressed because she is going vets on Friday. The only £230 I didn't touch and not going to for her wellbeing...i just truly hope there will be no complications during surgery...

I can't believe I let it all progress this far. Only now see addiction for what it is. Nasty..it will not stop taking...it will eat you alive...as long as you let it.

Got a week off now...deep down I know I would love to use it for detoxing. Body and mind. Again, not sure I can do it by myself.

Maybe one of the steps is to contact my sponsor. Maybe it all was meant to be this way and I needed to properly hit the floor to start helping myself again..for me for once..& not others.

Again..do I have energy to reach out?..

Be back later...

Hi Pasimetus

I think 95 % of people who really want to stop have that mad car crash into the wall moment, where you have gone down all the credit and loan avenues and gambling has beaten you, but the worst thing you have to realise is it will want you back, it can force you into a reprieve but will now try all the tricks to pretend to you it has answers for your way out of a debt mountain or loneliness or depression or whatever, what harm is another ВЈ10 or £20, but fighting the addiction is a daily operation but stay strong and focused and your life will turn around, it doesn't seem like it in the beginning infact it can seem impossible, but stay here, speak to people and you will beat this. Stay Strong.

Thanks smashed. Wise words over here. I know better life is out there.

It's not as much past I'm struggle with.. It's now and here. Feel completely lost (hence the user name) but deep down believe I can do this if I work hard towards it.

So..went on demo games earlier. No idea Why, It just seem to happen. My mind is in overdrive.

I just remembered I have broke work absence policy...ooohhh. the things you do when get lost in the mist...definitely never say never to things.

Don't know what's next. Just sitting here and wondering how I could do this to myself. No one to talk to..

It hurts to live in this deserted island I call my soul.

Be back soon..will aim to talk it all out...Just keep typing, Don't open new accounts...keep talking on here.

Ok, somehow managed to stay safe and no further damage done to finances.

Been a lonely day and so wanted to speak to someone but for me connection is not an easy thing to do.

Time for bed me thinks. Calm read of my book and greeting another day tommorow. Gave doggie a bath even if few protests was present before that lol..
Gonna take my girl for a long walk, let her run her legs off and take all the surroundings in. I guess she won't be active past surgery and I will need to take it easy with her. Maybe a seaside walk would be good too?...been ages since I took her to the shore...i shall keep it in my mind tommorow.

Dear Lord give me strength to see it all thorough. I would like to get better, I just don't know if I'm commited & strong for such change yet. Please..show me the way.

Goodnight.

So happy(you know what I mean) to see your return to the forum. I know you struggle like crazy but you refuse to give up which is worth a lot.

Lonliness and lack of connection is one of the most painful things to deal with. My son (who has his own place) has been spending 90% of his time at our place as he can't stand so much alone time. Call your sponsor, go to meetings, talk to people face to face, church or anything to get out of your head.

Cathyx

Good morning lovely,

Thanks for the kind words..yup, other account is blocked (my request) so figured it's easier to "hack" in and create new one until other one gets unblocked...(haven't requested that one yet...but maybe it's for the better)
Not using this as diary, just journaling my thoughts really..

Church! Yes hun..thats what I need. I will definitely make my way there tom after drop lil one off to vets...today is gonna be spent walking and walking and some more walking.

Hope your son doesn't feel as lonely. If I remember rightly he had a girlfriend?

You see..i like my space. Can't win here really. I shall elaborate on this one more deeply next time.

Another day arrived. Gonna take it easy..one step at a time

Be back later

So after 12 and have this massive panic attacks. I think it's the guilt about work...tommorow, next week and facing reality of getting back to the grind.
Last 3 days was just a floaters. Didn't do much except walking...oh...and of course doing the deed online.

Gonna force myself to get up from this slumber, try and cook something, go for more walkies and hopefully call it a day.
In reality would love to spend day in bed..but, the more I sleep the more tired I feel. My 15hrs stint Monday night still makes me more tired than awake.

I like sleep.. I like the world of subconscious.

For now, get up and move around....DO NOT GAMBLE..even no demo's...keep slaying that Dragon within..

Be back later

Today i would like to speak to someone who is struggling and would like to reach out.

Am gonna be online for a while. I'm sure it will help me as much as another soul.

Get in touch..

So just come back from another long walk. Drew curtains closed already...bahh..a little low mood to be honest.

Extremely worried about lil one. ..just taking it very easy, all will be ok.

A lot to talk about in my journal and it all will take time, but I shall try and split it down to separate subjects...emotions, choices, facts ect.

Bank did me a "favour" and increased credit limit by anotjer 2k...gulp...not so sure it's something I need at the moment. Numbers off the card is scratched off but I'm sure that if need arise (urges) I will find a magnifying glass and break the code.

Enough for now... time to spend time with lil paws..

May be back later

Spent evening gambling..

Not gonna say any more.

Not ready to come back.

I couldn't just read and move on without leaving a post. Just want you to know that I understand you can just get to your lowest point once you withdraw from the gambling bubble. I did this a couple of days ago with all my wages that I needed to pay urgent bills. How sick did I feel coming back to reality. Disappointed in myself.

Please try and be strong. We are all here as going through the same, maybe some at different stages to others but we got to take one day at time.

It's done now. That's what I keep telling myself. Try to look forward and get through tomorrow. Xx

Don’t self destruct, Sandra.

CW

Too late CW

I have zero commitment.
You either want help or not. It's your choice to decide I guess.
I'm not done yet. I have to face the demon fully before I can admit I am done...not long now...not long for sure.

Thanks Melonade. Don't get scared with these comments. I'm oldie depresses person here...i should know better.

Let's all just get some sleep huh...

Life is worth more than this..we all find the meaning in our own time.

Take care..god bless

Briefly closed my eyes last night. Aftermath of stress I guess.

Every ounce in my body is telling me to give up, stop trying and accept the faith of struggle in life with alcohol and gambling. Stop reaching out or looking for a connection with others..
Yet there is that little tiny spark in me which is as frustrating as hel l at the minute, but to which..against all my reflexes and current disbelief/ Self loathing & self pitying...im gonna listen to and pick myself up once again.

Crawl, cry and struggle...but I shall fight..

When there is nothing more to lose...you have to find something to fight for. Apart from my baby paws who definitely feels something in the air today (must be empty bowl and me not filling it as per vets instructions)....i have me...this soul, capable of much more than this destruction in life...much more.

With aching heart, I'm standing back up and dusting myself down.

There is more to life if I open my eyes and look around.
Anything is possible if you put your heart and soul + hard work to it.

X