Don't suffer in silence

Anything is possible if you want it badly enough, everyone is good at something but you have to believe in you and not care about recognition from others. Believe in what others say and you start to doubt yourself. I know what I am good at and used to listen to others but now at 50 I am finally, finally learning the art of not giving a f**k. And when you learn how to do that life begins again even at 50.

Thank you so much smashed...it takes courage to accept defeat and make steps for a change.

Am bk home with lil paws as she had to be rebooked for next week.
Feeling horrible. Spend 60 quid I couldn't afford for some drops for her...its on my mind constantly how I'm gonna manage till payday.
Phoned my only friend I have and kind of told her about recent days. I sometimes need to hear what I refuse to listen to...she said, " I'm dreading the day when you phone and say you lost everything...because you will if you carry on like that".
It most definitely hit home. But how long for huh? I seem to understand how serious it is but it soon goes out of window when my mood drops.
I asked my friend to lend me money if she can until payday..& that's something I didn't think I could bring myself to do. How quickly those tables turning...when did it all started to go this wrong. Manic panic is not a word! I'm on the edge of loosin g my job due to absences, credit card maxed out, bills just maybe will get covered for a month...
I still need to phone sister with apology about her bday next week. I can't afford to travel to see her let alone buy present. I shall tell her to keep the money she owes me as present. I have hit rock bottom...its actually happening...

Phone GC. In process of arranging online counselling as face 2 face is too far from where I live.

Maybe a start. I need help..i need it a lot.

Going church...need to calm down..

Everything will be ok, as long as I keep working at it.

Hi Pasimetus

It's good to see you back on the forum, although sorry it's because things are bad for you just now. It is good to see you are arranging online counselling. Keep posting, call the HelpLine or NetLine if you're struggling. We're rooting for you.

Best wishes

Deirdre

Forum Admin

Hi Deidre...

Thank you. It's shameful to be back under such circumstances and I'm in two minds with posting knowing my past relationships with forum members but I hold this place dear to my heart. It's my second home and it has saved my life once...i believe in this forum and miracles it does to person ☺

I shall keep close by, support others again and try to walk alongside my talk.
I May do your head in with contacting you as I did in early stages in my recovery previously but it was massive help to have that listening ear.

I am very lonely recently. Mostly because I pushed everyone away. Absolutely everyone so basically it's my baby steps once again in finding hope in humanity and becoming a better person.

There is solution to every situation and I want to find them in my case.

I am really looking forward to counselling. My gambling has reached a peak and I'm ready to take help offered.

Thanks again

Keep posting everyone relates to certain stories or senarios. "d**n that sounds like me" "I was going to do that" . Because like any other addiction that beats you route 1 is always f this life. When it beat me I threw my laptop at the wall, my dog looking at me like I was possesed, saying *What the f have you done" I was going to keep that smashed up laptop (hence the name)as a reminder I think I did for a few weeks, but i threw it out, and I got a long time to recover still and get reminded on the 1st of every month what I did but I dont want to lose again. August 2017 gambling came for me hard I was like a zoned out zombie mad deposits chasing something I did not need but thinking I needed it.

Thanks smashed. Yes, we all relate in one way or another.
As of the laptop incident, I had the same with my tablet...ohh didn't it have a flying lesson! I am still shocked how much anger can this addiction get out of us..its scary really..your conscious mind being taken over huh.

I got email from the site I ventured on yesterday saying they detected that I was already self excluded. After a few forward/ back chats it seems like I might get my deposits back...phewww...would be great to be honest..a lesson to learn from? However, it is my responsibility not to create accounts at the end of the day and I know what they mean.

Gratitude list time ☺

1. Walked all 10 miles today with my girl..i love this fresh air!
2. Greatful for my sister for understanding that I cannot afford her a b'day gift..."as long as I don't forget to phone her on the day"..is a deal!
3. For my mate I spoken to earlier. Some home trues I much needed was hammered in my head
4. Dad's quick recovery from nasty virus few days ago...
5. Not making things worse by gambling today..keeping common sense intact
6. Sorting out counselling
7. Heating & bread on the table (fixed some delicious sandwiches earlier)
8. Upcoming weekend off..i nearly cancelled all of my holiday and went bk in today. I stayed in...i will return as of next week
9. Greatful for calm mind most of the day..i do appreciate peace
10. For GC being here on good and bad. And very very greatful for the advisors I have spoken to over the last few days. I was a car crash to talk to to begin with
11. For being here and now - Alive!

And sometimes I have not much to say. Like today. Seem to wake up a little lightheaded (maybe too much sleep) . Cup of joe going down lovely. Lil paws is waiting for a routine walk...i shall surprise her and take to different spot today.
The forests and greenery around me is astonishing! I also keep noticing a massive hill in the distance. Maybe one of the Peaks showing it's dominance...will definitely find my way there one day.
I absolutely loved my 10k tough challenge. One of the best memories from last month..Medal hung in a proud place alongside my Moonwalk one...ohhh memories huh.

Got few stuff to worry about but gonna try and take it easy. Need to make a budget shopping today..open creativity in cooking...simple, cheap, filling.

Will be back later, maybe more thoughts will gather then.

No gambling. Only day 2 but 2 days without that massive sinking feeling & physically shaking while you putting bank details in knowing it's money you can't afford...

Oh addiction...You hurt way too much.

We need routine in our lives, and work provides a bit of that for us. It also lets us earn money that can help us live our lives.

You mentioned you have been absent from work a lot and by the sounds out it there is a danger it could cost you your job. Is it possible to make work your focus just now? Go every day/shift that you have to work. I assume your employer will have a disciplinary scheme, have you been involved in meetings, received warnings etc?

You know you need help, you are just not 100% sure that you truly want help. Coming back here suggests to me that you do want it...

Stay safe and GF.

Thanks ste-ven, your post is most appreciated.

It has also triggered some thoughts in me. Let's cut it short...

What do I want from life?

Once upon a time I wanted to live in my dream country I have only seen in pictures or learned about at school...fast forward, passing the threshold of 18th birthday I was packing my bags and saying goodbye to my parents...of course there was more reasons for my departure but I'm trying to keep to the point here.
Next, I wanted to be able to drive...so I worked and learned hard to pass driving licence.
When I wanted to be free and independent soul so I started sharing a house separately from my sister.
When I wanted to climb up career steps and after many patient (or not so) years, I made few steps forward.
Then I wanted my own house and live completely by myself. Even move counties.
I did that...i got mortgage, moved counties, transferred with jobs.
I also wanted to get into the core of my dream job. I started vollunteering there...experience has fulfilled my dream.
I also wanted a dog. I have most beautiful one now.

So what's wrong? So what am I lacking?

I even tried relationships figuring this is getting very lonely by myself. 2 attempts in 6 months and I pushed them both away...again..needed my own space and tying up was a massive red flag for me.

It's horrifying as I feel I am all over the place. I don't commit and keep moving on searching for something what ticks me. Am I just a person who will never be happy with her lot? Always trying to look for something what gives me buzz, confidence, pride in myself and good emotions. Nothing seems to be enough..its like I cannot settle down and stick to things for long. Eager to keep moving, discovering, experiencing something new.

My mate has told me that I live someone's dream...and I know I do!
So why I am still not happy and why I keep self destructing?
What is gonna take to me finally stop, accept the fortune I have and live in peace? When enough will be enough.

I want something but I don't know what. Is it a illusion I live by or is there something out there what will stop me in my tracks?

Gambling is destroying..but it's one of the unhealthy escape routes I use when I get lost in myself not knowing my next step in life.

....

Some thoughts about little paws...

My light in life.

When she arrived in my home, she was a girl capable of endless possibilities. Skinny compare to the way she is now (+5kg= 25kg).
She woolfed her food down all the time, mainly because she used to share house with 2 other dogs and as I understand..it was the way - first up, first served...
She has been loving from very beggining. We soon found connection ☺

Now I couldn't imagine my life without her. Putting her head on my shoulder, those clever eyes knowing my movements, warm company in bed! (& just this morning I clocked her "reversing" in the end of bed under the quilt and & only her head visible)...being mischievous and making me laugh.

I can tell she is a happy dog. I hope she is anyway. I spend much time with her and love every minute of it!

Yes, I failed more in front of her than ever in my life...but maybe, it was meant to be so I understand of value I have in front of me. Wouldn't want to lose her...i love her dearly! The feeling I never had before. The care, love and understanding.

I maintain...pets are better in undsrstanding/ feeling/ sensing than human beings (nothing too personal, just a fact from my point of view)

No gambling today...successfully connecting to my soul..may long it continue

Xx

Hi Pasimetus,

Your words have really struck a chord with me. I think it's purely down to myself being in your position 39 days ago. And to see the transformation I have made in such a small space of time. I wish I could give you a secret to make sure you stay gamble free...unfortuantely I can't but if it helps, here is what I've done to stay GF:

1. Every block possible. I have installed Gamban on my Laptop, and removed access to App Store and Internet on my phone. I've also self excluded from as many casinos as I can manage. And of course, financial blocks. I found a really good technique which worked for me. I pay all my bills via standing order on payday (bar Car Tax), and then withdraw the rest as cash. I also send a big chunk to my debt management company and a savings account I can't withdraw from.

2. Create a schedule. I follow this religiously. It helps me map out my day and removes those key points where I can be sucked back into gambling.

3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. It's vital for me. It does something to my mental state and changes my outlook on life. Don't ask me how, I have no idea! I just think it's brilliant for me.

And of course, good luck. I hope you can stick at it this time. One day at a time!

Thanks Adam

Struggling today. Have that panicky feeling. A lot to do with having to go bk to work tom.

Tried to go for a good walk with girl but lacked determination.

Hurt today..hurt that I have no connections. Nobody to talk to.

I have my girl but I also really miss human interaction. Two heads better than one huh..

Breathe..

How can you miss someone who hurt you so much?

Hey, S <3 It might help you to understand if you look up "trauma bonding". Have only read your last post, need to catch up on your diary.

f x

Thanks f ☺

I just had a good relaxing bath! (w*f about time of the day but h ell I needed to relax) and then I just looked up mindfulness meditation & o*g! didn't it work wonders!..i am as calm as floating cloud and even if feel a lil sleepy, I am ready to get on with my day.

Just went to the upper garden (have 3 levels of it here) & thought I entered some kind of mine field :-/..i think my girl is plotting an escape lol...3 massive deep holes digged up near the fences!!! :-0

We just had a chat so hopefully no more surprises lol

phew..feeling so much better..magic of mindfullneas - thank you so much for suggestion on chat last night ☺

S x