Crossing fingers that your house hunt was productive. Will catch up later.
Mornin' Paul... rather, evening for you. Thanks for your recent post to me. You're right in that I think we're just scratching the surface. I can only speak for myself but I do feel the scratches are slowly getting a little deeper. I know I have some serious work to do before I make any enormous breakthrough but I will keep trying... try and try... until I finally get it. I know we both will. Spent half the day doing nothing yesterday and then forced myself outside to work in the yard. It was getting dark so I went inside and the phone rang... my crazy neighbour (who definitely has it more together than I do) wanted to come over again. I was at first going to make some excuse as I most often do but then I thought of you challenging me not to isolate but to find the company of a pal so I told her to come on over. Actually had a really nice visit with her and may have solved my end of month money coming in dilemma because she's more than willing to help. And how about you, my friend? Did you take your own advice? Any progress finding a new place? If not, don't get frustrated (and I'm just projecting how I'd feel, I suppose... not always patient enough). It just means the universe is holding out for something better for you and it'll be another opportunity to get yourself out and about, even if only to search. Oh, by the way... I LOVE Jimmy and got to meet him a few years back. Have his autograph on the cd that song is on, actually. He was super nice. AND... (have to laugh here at myself boasting about meeting all these musicians) I also had the pleasure of meeting Lyle Lovett and have a fantastic photo of myself with him... will have to tell Rach that. Have a good evening!
Aye Up Southerner...
Hope the batchelor pad hunt went well and you got all inspired...
Am thinking chrome , am thinking black leather settee, am thinking glass coffee table , am thinking black silk bedding ...lol
Your interior designer daaarhhhhling ...lol
Xx
Well, I'm no designer and I'm sure that'd look great but the practical side of me says glass tabletop and leather shows the dust too easily.... I know.. have major dust on my sofa arms. Thanks for your post...glad you're part of my cheering squad.
Yeah good luck in that apartment hunt. Really hate moving myself. LOL but fresh start and fresh place could be what the doctor ordered. Yeah stay away from glass furniture, hell got a glass end table and hate the thing. Dust, ring marks from glasses and just never looks clean. Hope ya find what your looking for out there.
Hey just want to say thank you, I can always count on you for wise words and much needed support. Have not had a chance to fully catch up on how ur doing, but sounds positive from the recent posts! Lyn x
Ty,
If my words are wise then there somebody else's. I'm an actor and learning the script
Hello Diary.
Tossing and turning last couple of hours. Thinking about all the S***e I bring upon myself, not just gambling but life in general.
Easiest thing in the world is to criticize and few peeps in my world are good at that, slowly planning to wipe them slates clean but just need patience. Wish I could be a cold heart and say f***k em, but unfortunately not programmed that way. Need to wrip this heart out and throw on Souls bar-b-q! Wasn't so long ago, I quite liked myself, but why do some pick on your worse aspects of your character. f***k em!
7 more days to the big 100, no cart wheels, no urges, nothing really. In a real don't give a f***k mood. The scales of lifes S***e has really out weighed the good this year, yet only my self to blame there. A lesson in life, f**k em!!
Back to the old job yesterday, with the pm I disliked. Cant say iv'e warmed to him, yet he's taught me a lesson and that rhymes with book em! The spiteful side of me, one of my many flaws thinks good that your job has gone t**s up recently and if you want the title of project manage well f*****g learn the ropes 1st. This time though I stay on the periphery and keep out of the ever growing politics. When I see the finger of blame or the harping on about others is like a different language of incompetency. Done by myself many time before and seeing the signs in others now.
Saw a couple of places this pass w/end, long over due but getting closer to the gateway of a new life and dying to the peeps who forget others have hearts as well.
Its all S***e apart from whats good. Looking to swop the S***e and good!
Foooking Vrooooooooooom
Hey V,
Great post to read:-) f**k bad boys/girls around you. You are the number 1 and you doing it all for yourself. Hope you having a better day.
Keep it up and keep stepping forward
Sandra x
Hey Paul... Yeah, the S***e we bring on ourselves. Why? Is it just habit or is there a payoff of sorts? Maybe the payoff has to do with keeping us stuck so as not to have to face the discomfort of change? I hear you on the work politics. Don't handle that very well myself. Best to stay out of it when possible but sometimes hard to do, and esp when incompetents run the show. But keep that f**k em attitude when it serves your best interests. And keep believing/visualizing and moving closer to that better life. Wow... 100 days is superb. Don't discount your accomplishments! You truly are moving forward. Have a good evening.
Not certain but I feel my London friend retreating again. Paul, I'm never sure with you... don't know if I help or hurt or am completely out of it and way off base. Your entries contain a lot of emotion which is, I think, what draws me to read your posts, not to mention the support you give to me for which I'm so, so grateful, and the uniqueness of your writing style which I love. Often, I identify and relate so exactly to your posts and you have said you do to mine as well. Other times, I feel your pain, hurt, frustration but don't really know what's going on and find it hard to read between the lines. I did read in your diary somewhere where you said that you don't know why you push people away. Guessing that you don't always want to do that but do it anyway. I know the diaries are for ourselves so as I've said once before, you can tell me to buzz off (nicely please) if you want. Remember, no man is an island. Still here for you and willing you on. ((P)))
Ty Carla for your continued support.
You help immensely Carla, yet I don't feel worthy, i hide behind this pc spouting the delusions of addictions, yet I don't do any work, a story of my life expecting some miracle with out putting in the hard work.
I tend to push people away or avoid not as I deludedly think trying to protect them, more to hide the weak person iv'e become.
Dear Diary.
My name is Paul, I was gripped by gambling addiction for 30 odd years, also going hand in hand with drink and pot. I feel the most abject shame in the person iv'e become but only talk and never any meaningful action.
I do feel a complete coward, the gambling I managed to reign in quite well these past 3 years, but plenty of slipping and sliding on the way, but then came more reliant on drink and strong herbal remedies to replace the crutch. I'm 46 yr old ffs and haven't after all these years learned the key to self respect.
I spent the majority of yesterday in A&E after being referred there by my GP, having a CT scan in the early hours of this morning. Developed a flat foot, where the arch gives way and gives a flopping version when I walk. Checked out whether caused by a stroke now back to the drawing board checking where the neuro damage / trauma has come from.
Has really jolted me forward and the usual shame when admitting the life stile I lead to the various consultants. As with every thing that worries me, whether bodily misfunctions or spiritual breakdowns, managed to push this to back of my mind and let my anger mask the way I feel and spilling out to innocent friends. A resentment, a self pitying for something I can only aim at myself. The scan showed up a pellet of lead lodged in my head since childhood, shoot shook this sorry ar=se.
Have an appointment with addiction/ anger counsellor this avo. I need to face this now, my anxiety and fear hitting a high. I'm scared!!
Have my folks 50th this weekend, which is meant to be a happy occasion, yet I know my act will be fuelled by drink. Still a fraud but the only honesty I can muster.
I need to find away to work on my flaws yet my head is just full of irrational/ angry/ deluded thoughts and I really don't know what reality is any more. I can list my mental issues, but where do I start?
My recovery starts today.
They say life is in waves, iv'e been drowning in mine, now need to learn too surf
We all get scared just hard to admit sometimes.
Will be thinking of you this afternoon.
you can do it
xxx
Scared, petrified, lost without words most days over here. Guess It's just plain old troublesome to not know how it all ends up. Can't predict the future only build on it. Wishing ya ya great weekend.
TY DF and Soul
Lying to myself.
Hiding in the gutter
Lying to the mirror
It us the sanity of life that makes us mad
Yup can relate to the madness. Not a gamble, a drink or.any drug taking that away. Reality sucks and just gotta pick the world up
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
