It is normal to be scared, Paul, and the shame you feel so deeply is experienced by all of us who repeatedly screw up. All of us. There is no doubt about that. I've noticed how a number of people disappear or avoid after their mishaps (yeah, like you), so you mustn't let that deter you from helping yourself. You are not weak. No. No. Quite the contrary. Even addictions serve a purpose. I've been reading a book about addiction and not the usual self help stuff but a doctor who studied it... can't remember exactly what he said but I'll try to find it later. Brain and legs too tired now (brain to think and book is upstairs). Anyone who can keep coming here and keep trying has strength. Funny, but I truly do feel a change happening in me... a newfound different kind of determination unlike I've ever felt before. And for me, I think it was a lightbulb moment over some quite simple ideas. I realized I will never want to do it so it would require force instead of the miracle or magic I always wait and pray for. And I realized I would have to tolerate discomfort. So obvious and yet for me....??? Just suddenly made sense a few days ago. I think everyone will have their own lightbulb moment (it's bespoke, right) but only if they keep trying. So "you must try... try and try... try and try... and you'll succeed at last". We also have more difficulty due to fighting multiple addictions. I am here. Yes, Unconditional, Paul. Now, sorry about your health probs. DO NOT let that drive you to you know what. Find a way. It'll be hard but you can do it. A friend of mine has flat feet severe. Hope yours isn't too bad. And lead in head?? No idea what to say. WOW. Hope they can figure out what to do about that. ANyway... all this typing is helping me too, you know. Been a rough one. Enjoy your parent's anniversary. That's huge in this day and age. Make it a mission to have some control. Drink a glass of water or two between drinks if you don't want to abstain. Ask your ma for a dance! Get outside of your head for a while. Smile. Have fun.
Hi Paul
Sometimes a health scare acts as a wake up call as sadly as humans it's only when our physical body starts malfunctioning that we start being kinder to ourselves with self care.
"80% of success is turning up.".....you said that way way back and that's all you have to do...show up..on here or anywhere where you can be understood and get help and going to see the counsellor is fantastic.
Maybe take the pressure off by not running too far ahead with quitting switches but just make a regular commitment only to showing up? ..a daily date with GC? I remember when you were really motoring you wrote daily.
R and D. ...with bags of Yorkshire sympathy ..(you know how great we are at that ....err not ..lol..)
The key is action .
R and D xx
Hey V
Just a little post to send you on your way and hopefully you have your dancing shoes on already ...I can see from other posts you are still managing to see the lighter side of life despite I guess worried about this pellet ..
When you get back , youtube the episode from the Simpsons where Homer gets a crayon lodged up his nose and in his brain..when they took it out turns out he's a genius!!
Had thoughts of you taking on the world after this thing is out becoming world class athlete and giving those running shoes a big work out ... literally removing toxins from your life that are harmful...
R and D xxx
Haha... Rachel comes out with good ones.
Again thank you.
Here in my farm.
Guess will be getting drunk tonight. Thoughts back when i went to 40th and spending avo prior doing my bollxx for the tune of 3k.No real change in 10 years, just more of a defeatist attitude. Will probably look for the escape and back to b&b farm, 1st opportunity. Don't know whats more selfish, bringing my miserable a**e to a party or the escape.
Nothing, that's the only word i can think of in trying to describe how i feel. Both tired and not liking the shell that carries this impure soul.
Willed on the worse when in hospital. Times like now can't see the point in recovery. Whats going to change? Will still carry the gloom and doom of existence with me.
Thinking about my compulsions that's blighted and stunted any growth in me. Whether gambling, drinking or pot always did in isolation, thinking thats also possibly the best way in sobriety. Tired of the world and people, need to accept have never really fitted in.
That's how i feel now. It will change, but for now the dark cloud is back.
V ..
I'm staying on this forum til you start liking it ...so shoulders back ...get thee to a party and get dancing to the oldies with the gang..
And ps...the pellet thing will be ok..you're gonna be around a long time ....your not that lucky 😉
Xx
Your right there, despite wishing daily. Im not that lucky.
Touching 100 days now. Thankful to this forum and support but need to pull away for now.
Wishing every one well
100 days is nothing to sneeze at. Just remember.
Well, I'm glad you've posted. Just please don't stay away. You do fit in here.
Morning V
Hope you put your left leg in , your left leg out , Your left leg in and shook it all about ..?
Keep coming back
R and D xx
Oh... love that last link! Paul, I do feel very much like you in that I don't have much purpose in carrying on (other than so as not to disappoint others) but we both have to realize that our thinking is messed up from abusing ourselves for so, so long. For that reason, I'm giving abstinence a chance. As long as there is hope, and there is, that things can turn around, gotta keep trying. We just have to learn what works for us, drawing on the wisdom of others who are walking the walk. Never give up.
Hey V...
Oh..i hope you will keep coming back..i could write Carla's words there...it so true..there is hope and you need to believe in urself.
There is always a way out..maybe we don't see it at the same time..but it will come. Don't turn helping hand away..we are here..and always be here for you.
I wish you well and sure BELIEVE in you..it will come out the other end..it will get better
Stay safe and take care
Sandra x
Flying by just to keep encouraging you and let you know you're in my thoughts.
Paul, thought I would check-in as been going through my own battles and neglected checking in on others, read the past few posts and really am sending you hugs ( we all need them sometimes). Hope you are okay and appreciate if you need to take a step back, but want you to know that you may not realise it but you have really really helped me in the past, there have been times I have felt so alone and you have taken the time and energy to check in and post on my diary, I doubt you realise quite how much this has meant. Wishing you all the best, please dont be down on yourself, keep movin' on, Lyn x
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