Dormant

Ty Soul and ExD Dear diary

Am back in the sanctuary of the surrey burbs. Shoulda of been a blinding day but alas the clouds ascended in more ways than one. Eyes wide open and seeing the bookies today but not acting on my thoughts. Sat right opposite one now where we use to be oldffriends until i realised id rather fire bomb it with all the other fooks surrounding it.

Still suffering from the old insomnia, up with the larks this morning and just walked and walked, found my self next to my favourite river and watched the ducks enjoy there favourite weather. Had a few odd looks from the rich neighbours or properly dressed dog walkers as i got drenched. Was half expecting a siren either to fly me over the cuckoo's nest or bang me up in the scrubs.

Nuts hai! Has been suggested before and infact if i said what wad on my mind, it would be truely confirmed. Met an older chap in the avo and for some reason of late people feel compelled to yell me there life story's. An old required ex chef who lived and survived a remarkable life. Worked the top celebrity restaurants worldwide and even to the depths of a padded cell with a needle sticking out of his a**e. Some thing his pour old mah had to witness. I get his over protection now to his 87 yr old mah. I feel a little bit the same with mine. Looked and listened to this old smoke ravaged chap and saw my self 20 years from now. His name earily enough was Robert Paul ?

f**k i thought!!

Haven't a bad bone in this body but do have the odd dark thought. Pictured my self next to the river earlier, darting back in time and imagined my self as a last remaining Brit pearing out of the woods looking at bewilderment at the viking long boats hitting the shores of Londonium. Knew then, f**k! Trouble ahead. Willed my hunting pack around me to lay low on the woofing ad i thought about possible raping and rampaging of my blood line back in my shack. Knew then, id do any thing for protecting the ones dear to me. Looked at there groomed packs of hounds and realised my motley lot were no competition of this new breed of hound. Snap, back to reality!! What's changed? Nothing at all. Back then i lived to the law of the land and right now i stay on the right side of this law. But i know if any out side forces hurt mine, well all laws would go out of the window and id be bang in the scrubs.

Think too much thinking going on at present. A pretty calm week and watched history at the oval on Thursday with the ashes. Still not gambling. Went to AA meet last Sat, but think went to wrong venue, with the gambling being my primary.

Wished we talked in numbers as the randomness of figures making more sense than words to me. Would then be a great conversationist rather than listener

Enough S***e for now

Paul.

Fella again you did yourself the injustice of not counting yourself amongst men.

My friend i do believe we could find a pub by that river and enjoy each others company greatly. The moments of silence as much as the minutes of words.

Three things i learnt early in life we would not broach the subject of. Money,religion and most of all politics lol.

Be proud of whom you are, believe in yourself.

Because you are worth it.

My Joe is performing his poetry tomorrow infront of a festival crowd, eight of his own poems. He makes me very proud.

Maybe next time he performs in the smoke we will get that pint.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

With honour.

P.s best thing for me is Joe's choice of dress for his performance. A battered pair of combat shorts and a retro Holland shirt. His tribute to the beautiful game.

That's class Duncs and a Ty, yep i get that silence is golden as we watch a flowing river and a frosted pint.

Going to yet again but hang my head in shame to the person who stares back at me in the mirror. More guilt to carry in my rucksack.

Veiled attacks and im very much party to one. Over the last 18 months I've gifted near on 10k to my guilt of gambling and how its effected others. I carried the burden of a guilt i didn't deserve but carry i did on my small shoulders. My life is my life and always been happy to stay on the Howard Hughes stile isolation side. The logic there is. Its only me i can hurt. Simple as for simple Paul.

My folks i steer clear off and put as much distance as possible, purely because i don't want to both acknowledge my pain or see it. In there 70 plus years in one form or the other they've seen enough ball S***e to last a life time. Would i be truly evel to add to that, it would be a resounding Yes. And truthfully would never get or accept any other different view.

Im a loner in this life as i hate stepping on toes, i watch out for the pain others suffer, but as i try i know the suffering and the pain people feel is bespoke only to them and apart from look and listen, that's all i have to offer. I listen and take in wisdom, yet never give as who the f**k am i to give, when i can't even figure out my own relevance.

Today i sit in the same spot as yesterday, and i watch and think! Scared of thinking. Late last evening i made a 37 sec phone call to Sami Ratan, why? I haven't a clue as i wished the chap well.

Im scared of the thin line of madness more than death itself. On a daily basis i take a sharp turn when i think about the phantom righty, i know the line well, yet i don't know my own capabilities in not crossing.

Everyday i also think about running in the form of a one way ticket plane journey, yet so confused whether that's the direction i want, or do i face this now?

I was fighter when i wad younget as i battled with a speach impediment. Still a fighter to this day but with out the mits. My best and wisest friend told me im not made for this world, but yet im here and will always fight for acceptance in one form or other.

We're all on journeys, which can be very lonely so i guess my key is finding the others on a similar journey. I know in this life time I'll never realise my blue print but f**k will i try my damndest.

For now im happy alone as i ponder. I missed a meet last night, i really do miss listening and connecting.

Out

,

Final thought and question for the day. If S***e rolls down hill, what rolls up hill? Or do i need to climb to the top?

Hello

Back on the river, love the waving to the barges glide bye. Why do people feel compelled to wave at the peep's who cruise on by?

Watching a majestic swan with her soon to be 2 swans also as they move into swan hood. Isn't nature the most beautiful gift bestowed upon us? Heard a sqark from mother swan, saying stay close as i wonder how many she started off with?

Makes me want to live, which is rare for me. I listen to the music on the island opposite and wish for an invite, which will never come.

I wish for more pain and will the out side forces to deliver what they promise. A latent laziness wanting/ pleading to make my own mind up for me. If i was around in the cold ages i would be known as ' cold heart ', which to me is better than dark heart.

I wonder about my release papers from these thoughts, i wish i was Mad Max and the world obliterated. f**k, the pressure would be off then.

Over time, I've become quite adept in vanishing tricks and disappearing from peeps lives. Probably the only thing im very good at.

Gambling with life today as i eat cigarettes.

Vr o

Dear diary.

An overwhelming sadness and yet again shame as i sit in my favourite spot. Watching the slow river with the majestic swans and ducks. Joined today by the fisher men and boys. Its like im trying to find a calmness, which of late never comes.

I feel a lonliness and wish for my invisible cloak to be taken off. Yet i know id push if some one did venture close. Have lost my will to fight, yet i know there's a long slog ahead. Im scared of my mind and rocking back and forth, drugged up to my eye balls.

I want the pain to finish yet i don't put the work in. I think back to my early 20's and being a young strong chap who pushed life to the limit. I remember the grim reaper whooshing over my bed as i halucinate from the D.t's. I always think of appearing in a field in the pitch blackness, miles from any where, was i zapped up from a another dimension?

I try to figure the bubbling volcano, exploding on a more regular basis. I think 6 weeks now since i had my last punt or doob come to think off it. Wish i could say the same about the drink and my diet of cigarettes and coffee. I think back to last weeks meeting and the fear i had in coming out and preaching on speakers corner, newly converted. How wrong i was. Felt a relief in knowing im not alone but chose to not talk. Did a feel a relative calmness the following day and managed a 4 whole days, with out a drink.

Feel like a duracell bunny who can't stop, need to put a cheaper battery in. Im very scared but today i start the real journey, more meetings on the agenda and maintaining and abstaining from not just the gambling, doob and drink but also the people i care for.

Im prepared for the dry horrors as my body tries to acclimatise to the sleep it craves. I need my mind to stay busy but not with the usual S***e that never goes away. I wrote a poem last night, something that the people who know me, would really think im ready for a straight jacket.

I know im f****d and strange but only to my self. My esteem is low and confidence, well what the f**k is that.

I do reach out, bit i know I'll shy away from any contact.

6 weeks no gambling, yet my journey starts today. One day at a time hai

Yo,

6 weeks pal, should not be underestimated . Particularly when you are trying to fight more than one addiction , it saddens me how low you feel, but am at a loss to find the right words that may ease your suffering .

I wrote to thank you for your post , and also wanted to add . I am almost certain that it was you who wrote to me that the when my mind went into washing machine mode , that I had to let it complete the cycle, instead of wishing for a power cut to stop it .

Those words have come back to me time and time again when I have have been plagued with obsessive thoughts . That simple sentence not got me to realise that the cycle needs to come to a natural end , and end it will .

For that I thank you , a few choose words that have made such a positive impact on the way I view myself.

And helped me cope so much better with my crazy obsessive behaviour .

I am trying with the help of folk like you not to be quite so hard on myself, one of my biggest wishes ( where's Dusty when you need her lol ) is for you to do the same .

Shiny xxxxxx

Thank you for your post, Paul. Feeling like I could just cut and paste large chunks of your diary into mine. Though circumstances and events may differ, the feelings I experience are the same. But we won't give up, right?!!

Ty shiny and credit to you in sticking on the right path. And Ty Carla, its not in our DNA to give up. Forward we march, albeit some times crawl on.

Correction its 5 weeks after looking back. I know and am well aware that abstinence is only the start. Possibly in repeats but managed 2 plus years with the abstination of gambling. Thought i new it all, bank balance healthier as with the mind and body, seemed so intune with it all as my head and body were in sync. Atheist that's what i thought!

Know now i was kidding myself, understand now more of ' nothing changes, if nothing changes'.

Am worried that this is just another false dawn and after this latest batch of sorrow and regret disperses, I'll forget about my woes and continue the path of destruction!

Am worried about my uncontrollable rage and wonder how to release this in a safe manner to myself and all around me. How do you control anger and not suppress it? Walked through 5 drunk chaps last night and somehow hoped it was going to kick off and help me feel some pain.

Sat on train now as i head back to my lost society, after friends returned home early, wanted isolation but was glad of there company. Watched a r&b band strum there stuff and put good food inside me rather than the usual S***e i eat. Drank lime cordial, yet body was screaming for something else. Chest full of anxiety and stress with the air bubbles making me gasp for breath.

Heading back to tidy my room and wash my linen as i wish upon all wishes a decent nights sleep. Really not looking for much, just a simmer of contentment and simplicity.

I have to keep crawling forward. Yet i just want to crawl into a ball.

Out

I am feeling for you. I don't know what to say other than what you've said to me... I want to will you well. Have you explored the roots of your anger? I found this link but don't feel great about posting it but here it is anyway... http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx?item=1

I wish there were easier answers to our problems. I watched a video lately that made me feel a tad better. You see, I am the queen of "self help" books and could refer all kinds of books to you, yet here I am having made virtually no progress with my own issues. In the video I watched, the doc referred to his annoyance with self-help books and how they present an ideal which most of us don't live up to and make us feel so defeated. I could relate. Hang in there. Tomorrow is another day.

Ty Carla, Im hanging in there with you. Looket at your previous link, but pc only seems to last for 10 minutes when you tubing, thrn crash!! A bit similar to me. Sometimes words are not needed just the selfish realisation that we're not alone. Get what the Dr said regarding the self help books, sometimes we read the wrong things and convince ourselves theres more to this S***e than there really is!!!

Dear Diary.

Navigated yesterday, no gambling or the usual drink or doob. Slept in frseh sheets, but not so fresh any more as the toxins seepd from every oracle. Just layed there for majority of fit full sleep but thankfully mind had slowed down.

Feel i'm heading for another false calm, but can feel the anxiety bubbling away in my stomach, waiting for the slightest excuse to go Boom, usually at the innocent peep's.

Not in no great hurry to go to work and see the usual B/S i face on a daily basis. Maybe/ hopefully this process i'm going through will help me to deal with the S***e better and jump to the periphery when required.

Had thought i was going nuts as i read other minds, then i realised im not at all, just recognising familiar emotions or stages of some adiction or other.

Anyway

Day 37 no gambling.

Day 25ish no doob.

Day 1 no drink.

Time to put something decent in this body, wheres me cigs!!!!!

Haha... I can relate to the BS faced at work too. In my case, I'm grateful I have a break from that as I'm on med leave (though, they could hold that against me in the future). Oh well. Progress... you've made tremendous progress, Paul. 37 days no gambling and 25 without a P**f is huge! And they were both at day 1 a short time ago. You should feel very proud.

You wrote to me "ram any car to get that free parking space" and gave me the first out loud belly laugh I've had in a long time. Thanks for that and the encouragement.

Thanks as always for the support Carla.

A couple of hours sleep as mind whizzed round to one inrrelevant thought to an other.

The darker colder mornings on there way coninciding in how i feel. A real sadness and self pity overwhelming me. I really just dont have any faith, am tired of the bravado and swithching from 1 day to the next. Irrational, compulsive thoughts, which i know i need to resist to act upon as i know im hardly thinking straight.

Did go out late last night for a couple of pints and beating myself that i cant abstain from a beer for more than 1 day. Tired of the shame the person i find myself, really just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. Really want to 'man' up to the person i deludedly think i am, yet i havent a clue who i am.

Dont want to look myself in the mirror, ashamed of the person who stares back. Tired of embarking on another day and crossing the threshold of ballshite. Tired of the wolves and snakes, pointing there fingers, yet not realising 3 fingers are pointing right back at them selves!

' Be careful of what you wish for ' Im scared of my wishes coming true. The journeys only just begin, or is that another delusion and im just reading the wrong stuff.

Just P***** i guess, the weather will become clear and hoping my head follows suit.....

Just another day in paradise i guess. Need to take stock. Clear my desk at work and try and get on top of the S***e which has snow balled. Will i do that, the defeatist in me says no and he'sthe ruling party in my head... i'll see.

I dont know how to cry, yet very adept with my rage!!

Hi Volcano

Thank you very much for your words on my diary, i really do appreciate them and it gives me strength to see them.

I kind of think you have a unique way of writing, i read a lot of your posts and your use of words and how they express in a multi coloured scene of realty of your inner soul, makes me want to read more and more.... it is a gift for sure ! we all have gifts but we have to look after them, gambling rips your heart mind and soul apart. He who seeks evil shall truly find it, in gambling we have all found it now to abandon it and forget the elation of an occasional hit ! take care Volcano, best wishes Dark Place

Hey, another day. Dark place is right. You do have a gift for expressing words and this is how you express your true feelings. I've said before that I've often wanted to just cut and paste your words into my diary. I don't cry much at all myself and can snap at the slightest annoyance. I don't feel much at all except for fear and anxiety. These addictions mess with our emotions so much and we either can't express them appropriately or express them at all. I'm guessing many of us suffer from that. But your mind will clear. Patience. Do not beat yourself up about having a couple of brew. You've already accomplished so, so much and are an inspiration to me, and no doubt, many others.