Dormant

Thanks Stephen,

No great shakes really going on in my world. Anxiety has eased and now quite a reflective sadness descends. I prefer the latter and sit within it. I'm doing ok, but have noticed my smoking ramping up. Something I really need to address. Having days of either anxiety or sadness happens but I know that I'm kinda ok with my life at the moment. I'm trying to improve aspects, despite not fully trusting my commitment to myself.

I lied yesterday, a long story but made feel a ' f****k it ' moment, my beef and sure I won't dwell in it. I'm understanding behaviour in others as I see my reflection and wary of, barriers of sorts up.

Has been nigh on 3 months without a joint but have been tempted of late, maybe I will maybe I won't. I'm not sure on that one.

One of my best friends I call ' dark heart ' , he calls me Jiggy. I think it would be nice sometimes to see the world through his eyes, at least for a day.

Rocks don't feel pain and islands don't cry. Just heard that line, I can at least for today relate to that.

A passing phase as I train it for another day amongst all the umbrellas. Yet, despite all that I feel at a three and not far to go as I strive for a five

It's good to get your thoughts down even if they don't make sense

A random alert -

The mind body axis. My sleep and i have never really been in sync, the last few weeks, sleep has come more with exhaustion and just grabbed as and when. Iv'e been putting a lot of work into myself and also work, have been conciously trying a healthier life stile, which can be vastly improved upon as i type with a cig dangling. But more thought stem from the anxiety what came on last week, then followed by a ' f****k it ' thoughts early on in the week and then Thursday i let my body and mind slow down, only to be gifted by the afternoon by a breakdown of body of sorts as the dreaded man flue hits hard. Possibly off the mark but maybe connected and the anxiety and ' f***k it ' mood an early alarm call to take things easy and too take the foot of the gas....?

FRPO

Sounds 'on the mark' to me Volcano. Hope the man flu is passing and you are heading to that 5.

Ahoy there shipmate!

Could definitely see you with a parrot on your shoulder.

Thank you for your post. As always I appreciate it.

Idle exhaustion remains. In my malaise an unexpected, life-changing chance to fulfill a dream found me. Summoned the energy to apply...

...and heard nothing back.

Not cool.

Sprung on me, with little time to prepare I was going to have to go to the interview in my best shorts and t-shirt. Thought I'd shave all my hair off to aptly accessorize my 'don't give a d**n' image.

I had a plan.

Don't think there's a word for it - I would of been right on the cusp of breakdown or breakthrough.

That 'knowledge is power Vs ignorance is bliss' you posted about.

I'm becoming increasingly suspicious of the world.

There's not enough love.

Which doesn't make sense.

Hhhmmm...

Good to see you committed to your meetings and posting on the forum.

Seems like a prolonged period of progress for you.

Thought that mysterious friend you wrote about was one of those lady persons.

That's good volcano.

Humans seem to like being in relationships.

Think there's a lot in the link between addiction and connection. Struggling to connect and bonding to addiction - as spoke about in that very good video you posted.

Some people on here I wonder if having a partner would be a big help.

Could be a positive change.

Keep this momentum. Going to have things in life trying to knock you out of your stride, stay on track, good steady feel to your posts.

Pleased to read you actively seeking a healthier lifestyle, the more you do it the more it will become habit.

Look after yourself and get well soon volcano.

100 days...

That's cool.

Well done volcano!

Shiver me timbers matey Glint.

Still struggling with a lingering cold, just when I think I'm over it, it's hits with a vengeance. Mood down, but happens and waiting for a shift.

The hypocrite side of me coming to the fore during the week as I miss my 3rd meeting on a trot as I run up the hours at work. Hefty pending dental treatment my reasoning for the hours but putting strain on body and mind.

A going on battle with management agent for the flat I live in pi....ssing me off and taking its toll. Despite keeping a steady reign on my beer intake, was aware of ' needing ' a drink to calm my self down after a row.

Had a first doob for a long time last week and won't be rushing back to that. No red wine for nigh on 4 months and probably only the equivalent of 2 bottles this year.

Healthy intake not as good as it should be, need to get back on track in drowning out the loudest voice in my head and listening to the one that's looking out for me.

A part of my history hitting a new chapter after the death of a friend who knew me from my 2 hands days. Lifestyle finally catching up on him. RIP Henry

Pretty focused on short term plans and pretty much not getting to far a head of myself.

It's the first time I activated the day count as only ever remembered the date from 7 years back when I first started on the re(dis)covery path, a good few relapses since then but have learned and become a lot more self aware since. A lifetime of addiction requiring a lot of work to overcome.

So that's about it for me. Tending to have a break from Gamcare and concentrate more on myself in the world of 3d

Christ ! youve more threads than a Saville Row Tailor , just spent ten minutes trying to decide on which one to use :))>.

Thank you for the kind post Paul , your right about the spat's but it's part of working through life's s***e isn't it ? I think it was good therapy for the both of us if I'm honest V and were both still here albeit not so much these day's , so no harm done .

I've not noticed you about much but reading between the lines I get the impression your getting to that 5 we all strive for which is great to hear my friend .

I didn't realise you had a " Soppy" side Paul but it was nice to see andf I'll keep my size 9's polished just incase you need another cyber kick up the @r*e :)).

All the best for now my old advisary and I'll catch up with you soon !

Cheers !

Hi Volcano. Thanks for posting on my diary. Pleased to see your still on the right track - 170 Days GF - that is a long time so hope the urges are getting easier to handle.

I think we have now come to realise that gambling is not an option for us. You've got a big heart and a sharp enquiring mind, why waste blessed gifts on suicidal games of chance, your worth more than that and I think you know it.

Take care and best wishes for a happy life of peace and contentment with wild adventures along the way....stephen

A blank box to download some very uncomfortable thoughts and emotions that im experiencing at this moment, and with my present isolation, doubled up with what day it is.

Validation - Its not a woe me post that i've yet again lost all my money, infact the only tangible reason of this post, is that im struggling again with life. Gambling has been keeping me company in a binge ' controlled ' way these past few months. I lifted myself for a good part of this year, i found a therapist who pushed me and witnessed all the different sides to me, someone in the first instance i thought ' f***k him ' as he stumbled me with my thouhts, i found a peer group meeting, that despite my initial reluctance to attend, i found nyself wanting to go to rather than the need. And without putting this forum down, this was also somewhere i found solace in. So, very true in saying ' that you've got to do it by your self, but you cant do it alone '. So, no coincidence in life that i went back to my personal gutter in partaking in the triad of addictions that i use as my comfort blanket as soon as i went it alone.....

There's something quite empowering in being honest in front of people, and admitting that your life is unmanigible and that you struggle with every waking moment and thought... Thats a message to me, but also a message to anyone who reads this. Being vulnerable isnt a weakness, yet in my experience of myself there is a thin line there, as can also be used for manipulation.

Both mental and phsical well being has taken a tumble these past few months, a progession of sorts. I've always been pretty fortunate with my metabolsm and retained a steady weight, despite the pretty much unhealthy life stile i've led, yet i now i feel a real gauntness as i struggle with the basicness of eating. My focus has left me, as i just tread water with my presnt contract as i go into ' who gives a f*****k mode '. Isolation, well my body has been round a few this xmas but my physche has been in another orbit as i put on my false front that everything is good as can be and i'm dealing with things the best way i can. A bit of woe me sh...ite there.

I also met someone a few months back, the obvious brightlights and honeymoon start and then the overwhelming to heavy too soon, then my cycle of push/ pull. Who the f**k am i to do that ??

I can't deny myself that i've learned quite a lot in these past few years, I need to reming myself as i sit here and will the day a way and that these overwhelming uncomfortable emotions will pass.... But, shoooot, sitting with them is hard and need to sit within my four walls.....

A ramble......................

Paul
Fella I just wanted to say a huge thankyou for the support you offered me earlier this year, I took a great deal from what you offered and will always be here by your side.
Fella next year we should find that bench and while away an hour or two watching the world run by.
Because I believe in each other we will find a great deal of common ground.
You know where to find me my dear friend.
With strength and honour
Duncs.

Paul my fellow salt of the earth slasher.

Sounds to me like this year you’ve laid the foundations for a grand masterpiece of a wall. Problem is you’ve left your work uncovered in the elements and the joints are starting to run. Do not fear a bit of acid and the work can be saved. What I mean by that is you don’t have to knock everything down and start again.

like when building a wall that one step back can make all the difference to the finished product.

You may of finished the year on a low but you can go into the year on a high. Think of all the things you can improve on . Maybe go to more meetings. Try not to self isolate. Join a gym, what ever the 7 billion other souls on this planet we share there’s no need to be lonely.

Paul I’m not here much nowadays for obvious reasons hence the name. But I have found that twitter gives a more non blinkered version and it’s a lot easier to share without being moderated. But I’ll wish you strength and honour going in to 2018

Make this your year

Peace

Happy New Year Volcano. Great to see you back on the diaries. Sorry you have had some sadness and confusion to contend with but glad your keeping your head above water. Maybe one day it will all make sense. It's a sad irony to see gambling as a comfort blanket, I know where your coming from but I feel that gambling just makes a bad situation even worse.

Wishing you well my friend and a carefree life of peace and contentment.

I will finish with a quote from Khalil Gibran: "Zeal is a volcano, the peak of which the grass of indecisiveness does not grow."

Hey Paul,

Keep writing...

Firstly, Thankyou all very much. I did write a long post to you Dunc's, only to lose it in cyber space.And, yes that bench very much on the agenda. Deano, you really are a salt of the earth chap, who i know will strive on and go from strength to strength. Stephen the Abstainer, a top chap who gives a lot and i really hope and wish you peace and happiness. Joan, a all time favourite of mine, we've both been a round for a while and a gift you've given me in some past posts over the years, is the gift of making me think and look deeper into my psyche. I did try and post to you earlier but couldnt find any words, so i'll just say here that i'm glad your hanging around on this forum..

A on train ramble as I head back for the first day.

Had a real up and down rollercoaster day yesterday with excruciating cabin fever as company, despite not needing it but another reinforcement that I need to go back doing what was working for me.

I learned something about myself yesterday as I tried to figure something out about a recent relationship break up. It really was an uncomfortable realisation that this behaviour is something I really need to work on.... a functioning depression link..

I started a process a week before Xmas in Hungary, the start of implants after smoking and lifestyle excelerating periodontics. This being a big stressor for me with being scared of the unknown and also the big sum of money that I’ll be dishing out, a big reason why I returned to the comfort of my addiction triads rather than the more obvious route of sticking with the things that was working for me... hai ho, another learning of sorts.

Both mentally and physically I’m struggling and probably shouldn’t really go to work. Yet couldn’t spend another day inside my own head and need work as my avoidance for now as I slowly crawl back up....

Here I go