Every Day Is A Second Chance

Sandra,

Hope you're reading this! Thanks for answering my question...I wasn't meaning to pry just concerned (not worried!) about you. If this place isn't helping or working for you, then you're right to move away from it. You have to do whatever works for you. It sounds as though getting your emotions, feelings and mental health in order is a priority.Once you've made more progress on those aspects the gambling will be easier to conquer. I hope you're getting some help with dealing with your feelings. A good therapist can work wonders. They're not always easy to find and sometimes (like in relationships) you have to kiss a few frogs before you find someone you gel with, but a professional viewpoint could be invaluable. I've a feeling you've tried therapy before, but if it didn't help first time round it doesn't mean that it won't on the second attempt. It's really hard to work out all those thought processes on your own and dealing with the past is daunting....would you consider a helping hand along the way? I know that you're not looking for answers, but I think that some help with acceptance may be useful.Keep well my lovely and thanks for your continued support and encouragement x

So, I'm starting the new week feeling positive and motivated. My head has cleared somewhat and I think I've found a few answers over the last couple of days. Those questions raised by Dan and Louis set me thinking and have been really useful for me....thanks again.

Core values and priorities were easy to indentiy. Life purpose was the tricky one....I realised I don't have an answer for that. Not a concrete one anyway. There's the general "be happy" "be fulfilled" "be there for the kids" "live a long, healthy life" but they're all a bit wooly. And I've no plan about how to achieve any of those things. I'm off on a roadtrip where the destination is uncertain and the roadmap is blurred and frayed around the edges. I've never been very good at setting goals. Correction....I've never really even tried to set goals. Not for years anyway.I think that's a part of it. So, I'm going to set myself some and hope that having a plan and a focus and something to aim at will help.

I've also been wrestling with the motivation/reward/willpower question. Why don't I stick to things? I can be focussed and committed to something for a while, but then the motivation slowly fades and I go back to doing something that I know doesn't do me any good. Not just gambling. Another example would be healthy eating. I know that when I eat well and lose a few pounds I feel so much better. Physically, emotionally, confidence wise etc. But then after a while I slowly revert back and before I know it I'm back to where I started. Do I just lack willpower? Am I fundamentally lazy? I know it's not just me. Many of my friends and family are the same. There's a huge industry out there making money out of weight loss, anti-smoking and all the other vices. Where does willpower and determination come from? Are some people just born with it? I think about the experiments with kids when they can choose between one marshmallow now or two if they wait. My guess is that I'd choose to have one. That immediate gratification opposed to long term reward. Yet, I'm not always like that. I can be disciplined...I just can't maintain it. And I really don't think that it's fuelled by any underlying emotional reasons. My bookshelf is filled with self help manuals, break the habit, change your life, here's the answer type books. Not one of them has made a lasting difference.

Anyhoo, I'm waffling.Going to give my brain a break. Adopt a bit of acceptance and see how things pan out. One day at a time, of course 🙂

LifeBegins x

How long would I have had to wait for the second marshmallow...A bird in the hand and all 😉

I've never really stopped thinking about GA since realising it's not about the dosh, not because I feel I want to go but more because I feel I should! I've always felt a bit of a fraud in my recovery & I am conscious to include addressing the psychological damage gambling is caused by/causes when I respond to people but it's like saying 'mmm broccoli' because I think it's good for one, not because I eat it!

Acceptance really is a beautiful thing...Like Dan says, sit with your feelings! You will figure this out, I know you will - ODAAT

Hi LB,

​Almost everything I have learned along the way has come from GA & the 12 Steps. I have taken some thoughts from addiction writers such as Gabor Mate, Stanton Peele and even anti 12 stepper Lance Dodes plus of course the Daddy of them all Freud. I have had counselling but didn't really believe the underlying message of CBT. I then had psychodynamic therapy which I found great but everything they were working towards there was already laid out for me in the 12 steps so I figured why pay someone who doesn't give a toss about me £80 an hour when I can get it for free & from people with no motive to help other than that they want to.

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Ok so your nearly there. I will give a little shove if I may!. A person without goals, dreams or aspirations lives without hope that tomorrow can be better. Therefore a hopeless person merely exists. A person with hopes,dreams and aspirations lives life fully. By envisioning ways to rise above yourself and achieve that which is just out of your reach, a healthy state of being is maintained. The thrill of living is not about achievement, but of attempting to achieve. Dan x

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Hi LB,

Thanks for your kind post, don't worry too much about your niece, boys are more boisterous and clumsy than girls :)) lol.

Yes it's a waiting game with son, as to when he does have this op, but not too worried now, (she says) as the consultant does not think it is anything nasty:)) .

I can relate to your last post, about committing to something, giving it all and then getting bored and then I find something else to concentrate on.Shame I never got bored with gambling, but we don't get bored with addictions:(((.we have to work hard to arrest any addiction. and it's not easy lol.

Pleased to read that you are feeling positive and motivated,

Keep strong and keep winning.

Suzanne xxx

Another shove then. Try to think about vulnerability & connection. Recovery can only be found in connection. Connection can only be found through vulnerability. Another name to check out Brene Brown. Check out her vulnerability TED talk

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Its quite a smack around the chops that one isn't it. Sorry if you weren't ready for it. Once you have gotten over the shock of it, please try to never forget it.

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Hey Liberty,

Just catching up with you. Thanks for leaving lovely/kind message for me ☺.
I did have counselling...two sets over two years. Tough experience and even if ive seen her for the gambling problem, on the second session i was told i have more serious root causes to that..so that's where it begun and i thought lady can see through me! - scary feeling indeed. Second set was an wholehearted attempt to save a friendship i have developed on this site...which still failed i tried to get better or not. This was far harder one and even if i have seen the same counsellor it was different because i worked so hard at digging deep in my past and getting it all out..of course not everything!
Every time i have a low set of days now and i hear suggestions of counselling it actually drags me even deeper. I see fault in myself...and of course i do consider it because i don't want to lose dear souls to me...again. so i never say never, maybe i will head back on that chair one day but you need to want to do it for yourself and i know that no matter how much i can be pushed, i need to "feel" that pull from within. We will see ☺, i haven't recovered fully from the last explorations and need to keep taking deep breaths...

Hope this answered your question ☺.
Now you! - look how great you're doing!. Not lip service here, i just see how hard tou try to understand your choices and "drive" in life. Keep exploring girl, maybe..without realising yourself you will find that string which will hold on forever. You mentioned miracles before - if we won't believe in them, we will not aknowledge that they actually happening!

Stay safe lovely lady, keep taking it one day at a time, and don't be too hard/pushy on urself...do it at your own pace..this is not the race, recovery takes time...results are priceless as you see yoirself great examples dotted all over the site ☺

Hugs
Sandra xx

Hi Lifebegins

Just drawing on your post on my diary, and a post above.....

I've found it really helpful to identify values - and then set goals towards those values ( as you note - happiness is woolly, and I would question what 'happiness' is )

My values are: connecting with others, helping others, letting my true self out (being authentic), vitality and creativity. I will then try to set goals (can be very small) towards those values. The good thing about values is you can never tick them off, unlike goals - they are guiding lights. Obviously you will have your own but I thought it might help to share ( please don't feel you 'should' have certain values - this really isn't about turning you into a martyr, but for me a value like 'helping others' i think is part of me so I need to 'vent' that aspect).

Commitment is of course the key - the mind will try to stop you from living according to your values, or to setting and meeting goals. It might tell you you're too tired, it might even try and 'rationalise' that it knows better. Be aware - you don't need to buy into these thoughts.

I've been taking this approach only for about 5 months but its made a big difference. It's not even about attaining the goal - it's the process, the journey. It's about taking control of your life, engaging with life. If I get side-tracked and start wallowing in my own thoughts and/or get 'embalmed in my own feelings - I try to take some small actions towards my values. Get me back on track.

I hope I don't sound preachy. I'm certainly a work in progress. Writing this helps reaffirm my own commitment.

Louis x

ps. Also don't think I have massive underlying emotional problems and I had a very stable and loving upbringing - but somewhere along the line I became disconnected from life and scared of experiencing my own emotions. I think this led to compulsive behaviours and avoidance.

Sandra,

Sorry it's taken a while to reply. I've been very caught up in my thoughts this last week and we've also got a few health worries going on with my mother in law so I've not really been on here.I hear what you're saying about therapy. I agree, no-one can push you into it and you do have to want to go. I found the whole experience exhausting and it seemed to make everything worse for a while, but then slowly my thoughts, reactions and ideas began to change and the overall effcet has been positive. It definitely got worse before it got better though and there were many times when I questioned why I put myself through it. I guess I just worry that having opened Pandora's box, dealing with what's inside is going to be hard on your own.

I hope you're well and enjoying living life.Stay safe. Be good and be kind to yourself 🙂

LBx

So, vulnerabillity and connection. Brene Brown's Ted talk (thanks Dan) got me thinking even more. I swear my head will explode one day 🙂

Before I watched it I was thinking "mmm, don't think it's really relevant. I'm not adverse to being vulnerable. I think I'm fairly open....I've certainly bared my soul on here and in many a therapy room/group. My husband knows most of the dark areas of my mind and although I know I used to be really scared to be me I've come a huge distance since those days when I thought just being me wasn't good enough" In short, I wasn't expecting to be able to take much from it. I was wrong!

I have come a long way. I am far more open and honest than I ever was, but I still have a way to go. I am still reluctant to be totally honest with people, especially regarding gambling. Other than my husband,it is not something that I have shared with anyone close to me. There is not a family member or friend that I have told, and I want to keep it that way. I'm sure that they would be supportive. I'm also fairly sure that they would be shocked and I know that I would be judged. I may not be judged harshly, but they would have thoughts and opinions about my behaviour that I don't want to deal with. Am I ashamed of it? Is that why? Yes, I think so. Am I afraid to be vulnerable with them? Maybe.I can be vulnerable about some things...death, worries, concerns about my son,health scares. But not about gambling. I suppose I think they'll be undrestanding about those things...they can empathise as they've been there themselves. I don't know where it came from, but I've long had the ingrained idea not to show too much of yourself. Keep your secrets. Think long and hard before you reveal too much as once it's out there it can never be taken back. Something said cannot be unsaid and people don't forget. Certain revelations will change how you're viewed and I don't want that.

There were many things I took from Brene Brown, and I intend to watch it again for more insight. One of the things though was that vulnerability isn't just about the big things in life. To me, CG is a "big" thing and one that I'm not ready for yet. But there are lots of smaller ways in which we can be vulnerable on a day to day basis (for example when waiting for health test results and saying that you're scared). So, I've been thinking about areas where I feel vulnerable and trying, in small steps, to open myself up to them over the past few days. It's not been a concious decision, it's more that her ideas have settled into my brain and I'm finding myself acting on them naturally.

More food for thought and the work in progress continues.

LifeBegins x

Grrrr....feel like I could scream. Got to get this down on here just to stop it running around in my head. Have just spent the morning with a friend. We've known each other for years, I like her (most of the time!) and we get on well but there are times she drives me absolutely bleeping mad. She spent at least half an hour telling me (not for the first time) just how great her daughter is. She'd been in a sporting competition at the weekend, and of course she was amazing....she was so proud of her...everyone was congratulating them at the end and saying god are you her mum she's brilliant etc, bloody etc. Yes, I know. I get it. She's absolutely outstanding at everything she does. She excels, she's determined, she's fully committed and works really hard. She's top of the year at school, predicted all A stars, an artistict genius and now a sporting god. FFS enough already!!! I get it....she's everything my daughter isn't. Ok. You win.

And breath. No, really breath.

Why does it bother me so much? It bothers me that it bothers me. I guess there's an element of jealousy. I don't really like to admit that, but there I've said it. Her daughter really is good at things (not quite as amazing at everything as they like to make out, but she does work hard) and there is an element of comparing the two. I know I shouldn't, but I do find myself thinking well if my child was to put in even half the effort of this girl then she too would be flying high. My daughter's doing well, but doesn't have the drive and ambition to really go for things. She's naturally quite bright and she can get a B without too much work, so thinks why kill myself to get an A? Really being honest, I wish she would have more drive and determination. But she's happy within herself (I'm not sure this other girl is as she's very stressed about success and has a meltdown when things don't go her way).

It's that whole split in my brain thing going on again. The sensible rational part says it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing, as long as she's doing her best and she's happy then be grateful for that. Then the other part that says yes, but she could be brilliant. She could excel at things too, she could get all A's! (I know life isn't about getting A's, honestly I really do). And those two parts wrestle with themselves and I end up feeling bad and questioning my parenting that I'm even thinking this way, and am I too pushy or not pushy enough. Then round and around that goes until I'm exhausted by it.

Laying it all out here...I wasn't pleased that she'd done so well. I wanted to be. I honestly wanted to be able to really feel happy for them, but the truth was there was a little part of me thinking oh P**s off. Why isn't it all over facebook when she doesn't pass a test with flying colours? why don't you mention to the world that she's a cow at times. I think the girl is largely motivated by a desire to please her parents and get the attention that she craves but doesn't really get beacause her mum is too busy looking gorgeous and pouting for selfies. Oh blimey, I'm really off on one now!! But that's the truth of it. I know it's not healthy for her to be so focussed, but it's always put across as a positive and the good stuff is always bigged up whilst the lesser achievements (or god fobid failures) go unmentioned. Maybe I'm too honest. Maybe I'm not positive enough. Maybe I'm just a c**P mum given that she's prouduced such an amazing all rounder.Maybe I'm turning into a bitter and twisted old cow who isn't happy for other people's success? ( I don't really think that last one's true as I am genuinely pleased for lots of other people).

I'm not proud of feeling this way. I probably wouldn't say it out loud to anyone else. It's one of those don't let people really see what you're like times....but it feels safe to put it on here. I know it's a time that I would have come straight home to gamble, just to put it out of my mind and to make me feel better for a while. I haven't done that and I'm pleased that I've recognised it as a trigger. I keep looking for the big thing that drives the gambling urge within me, but I'm starting to think that maybe it's more the smaller day to day stresses and strains and emotions that get to me.

Still breathing. Head hasn't exploded. Blood pressure coming back down.And smile....:)

LifeBegins x

Hi,

Now that was a rant. Wow!!!!

I have 4 kids aged between 18 and 24 (showing my age here!!). My wife and I have said if we could take a bit of one and a bit of another etc we could have the perfect child.

Does the perfect child even exist. Hmmm don't think so.

You said the most important thing in your post in that "she is happy within herself". As a parent surely that is all that matters.

Personally I feel bad for letting my kids down during my gambling years. Can I change that - nope.

Also if her mother feels she needs to brag about the achievements constantly maybe she feels inadequate.

Anyway go to you tube and type in that's nice by Mrs Brown and watch the Mrs Brown's catchphrase sketch its how I deal with people like that!!!!

Apologies if you don't like Mrs Brown.

Best wishes

Flipping heck LB, I thought you'd got me mother out the gambling shop...That sounded just like me (ish) 😉

A's shmaze, what a load of tosh...Obviously I'm not exactly the star pupil my mommy (no idea, just fancied the O instead of a U) thinks I am but if you ask me a happy child is worth a million A's! That poor tormented child is competing with darling mummy's trout pout but that's just my humble opinion 🙂

Go the exploding head!