Every Day Is A Second Chance

Hi ya, thanks for dropping by yesterday 🙂 No bowing required but good news if you can still perform one, there must still be room for more biscuits 😉

How you feeling today (I assume your money has gone in)? Don't let the whispers of 'one last try' or 'just a tenner' fool you...Mr Gamble is not your friend!

Hope you thoroughly enjoyed your weekend & haven't bitten the kids heads clean off or drowned in a sea of tears!

It's a rollercoaster for sure but it will get easier. Just keep choosing 'no' - ODAAT

Thanks both. Day 7...go me!

The weekend was lovely but very tiring. They've got 2 little kids so it's a bit full on but it was good to have them. It also highlighted two trigger points of mine. Stress...def a number of times when I wanted to retreat for a ching (and was really, really fighting myself not to) and "me time", as in I've been busy, had no time to myself, need to relax...I'll just have a little ching.

The money was in my account ODAAT and I have to confess that it was really hard not to gamble it up the wall. I even went online and found a site that I haven't excluded from. There was some twisted logic going on in my mind that was telling me it was ok. It's like there's an ongoing fight happening in my brain between the logical side that knows I really want to stop and this is a very bad idea and the other deranged, twisted part that has said over and over and over again "go for it, it won't hurt".

Anyway, I stopped. Fortuitously, my daughter came home unexpectedly just as I was about to deposit. I never let her see me play so I got a bit of a fright and closed it down quickly. I've been back on and excluded now. I've also withdrawn the cash ( putting it back into our joint money stash...hubby hadn't even noticed it's missing from last week) and I've shredded the card. I don't think I'll request a new one. Without a card I can't deposit so that temptation is removed.

I feel a bit rubbish that I'd got so close to giving in so early on in this process but also quite actually grateful that I was thwarted.

Anyway, OAU to day 8.

Don't feel rubbish! You never know the Angel mite well have jumped off of your shoulder & knocked the Devil clean out anyway if your little girl hadn't come in! Look how much the thought has hurt you...Don't let anything kid you that "it won't hurt"! It does. A lot!

Great work ditching the card...That's a great way to break your gambling triangle 🙂

Welcome to day 8! Keep winning - ODAAT

Day 9

Bloody hell...More ups and downs than a w****s drawers. Really busy getting ready for going away on holiday at the weekend so yesterday and today was full of last minute shopping, packing and making of lists (I do love a list). Kept busy so mind didn't even really miss the ching, other than thoughts of "in days gone by I would have been online playing now" I'm getting lots of that type of thinking. So many times and situations throughout the day that I would have been online, but I haven't been, so that's all good.

Shredding my card has been a huge relief. Sounds mad, but it's almost made me feel safe. Don't know if that makes sense, but taking away that temptation (breaking the triangle) feels like a weight's been lifted. I hope that lasts.

So, lots of positives. But then, I'm here watching the Bake Off (mmmm....cake!!) when huge waves of sadness wash over me. Out of nowhere. I really thought I was just thinking about cake. I'm back to thinking about something I learnt in counselling. Can't even remember the term for it but basically by creating a sh*tstorm around gambling and focussing on that, I don't have to look at all the other stuff that's upsetting me. Without the ching the other stuff resurfaces. Sometimes it feels easier to stay the same than find the strength to change. So that made me unhappy. Really unhappy. And guess what I do when I'm unhappy?

But not tonight. It's been tough, and it's mostly been possible because I shredded my card, but it's passed now and I feel ok again.

And breath....

Day 10 tomorrow. Double figures. Whoop-whoop x

Hi LB

Dominate thinking. Addiction does as you say take our focus away from the things about our lives & ourselves we would rather avoid. Thats why most find this incredibly difficult, its easier to stay in the pain your familiar with rather than jump into the terrifying abyss of the unknown. Your doing great so far. Enjoy your holiday.

Dan x

Thanks Dan. That's the one. I found the notes I'd made from that time

"The pain you know is familiar and, by causing it yourself, you at least feel in control.You know how things will turn out since, without realising it, you have engineered it that way"

Not consciously, of course.I've never sat down and thought I'll blow £500 quid just to forget all the hurt and loss from my past. But I think there's truth in there somewhere. After all the reading, counselling and reaserching that I've done to try to understand why I keep repeating the same mistakes, I feel I mostly understand why I do it. Living with the feelings when I stop is what I now need to learn.

Looking forward to a gamble free day 10 x

Hi LB,

Thanks for popping by, as I have said to you, you are doing just fine,

Have a lovely holiday, and you will trust me, because that gambling gremlin will not be in your head, telling you to chase and win, because for 10 days lol, you haven't chased but you sure have won.

Suzanne xxx

See you didn't need much encouragement to jump on the bandwagon Sandra Dee...Guess you'll be calling me Juuuuuunie next 😉 Gosh you have some staying power to have waded through all of it...Should stand you in good stead when the devil reappears! It's not to be encouraged but I hope you learned some of my ninja stuff just in case 😉

I hope you're better @ finishing a list than I am & the PMT has passed 😉 Have a lovely walk, if you're going today, & a relaxing holiday (try to bring all 3 heads back still attached to bodies)!

I guess it's after midnight now so a belated welcome to double figures & onwards with day 11 🙂 You are doing brilliantly...Keep holding on - ODAAT

Day 11 almost done and dusted

Was feeling pretty chipper but just checked my emails before logging on here and there were 3 from online casinos...two of which I've excluded from and another random one that I've never heard of.....B******s. It just kinda threw me for a minute and I felt an instant pang of something (don't even know what). Anyhoo, I deleted them and am left feeling annoyed by them rather than anything else, which is probably a good sign.

Coping just fine today. In part, it's because I'm really busy getting ready for our holiday.There's very limited internet access where we're going which is good (wouldn't have thought that before) but also having my triangle broken is really helping. I just feel freerer somehow. Sleep has improved a bit and it's so good not to be feeling guilty all the time. Went to the cashpoint earlier and it's the first time in ages that I wasn't drawing money out to secretly switch into my account.Gotta say, it felt good.

I'll see you in a week or so dear diary. Onwards and upwards x

Have a great holiday and well done on the 11 days!

Now there's a gal after my own heart...No-one here gets the power of the Galaxy like we do 😉 I hate to say it but there's no escaping this friendship now 🙂 You may not have been around long but despite what you say, you know me better than my human friends (except the Norvern Monkey) so fill your boots - with the insults, enough of the biscuits now though, yeah 😉

Anger is largely frowned upon in recovery but I haven't really figured out why yet & it's stood me in good stead so use it & abuse it honey...How DARE they email you (unless it was to tell you you were no longer welcome of course, although I suspect not) & how dare they share your information (GRRRR)!

Hope you're having a wonderful, relaxing holiday & your mind is starting to still a little! I shall be looking out for news on your return, but until then, here's another one for you...OAU ODAAT - Juuuuuune

Just a quick check in from my lovely, sunny holiday villa dear diary. I think I've found the answer to not gambling....move to Portugal :). Having a great time and no real urges, so all's good in the hood.

I've had a lot of thinking time whilst laying on my lounger and I've had a few realisations. I know that I could have played whilst here and if I hadn't given up I def would have been playing, even though I'm not feeling stressed or upset or anything negative. I would have just played because I could. Not because I was desperate to or having really strong urges, but just because "that's what I do". But, once I'd started to play that's when the urges would start. It's like playing itself created them, if that makes sense. If I won, I'd want to play more. If I lost I'd want to play more to win it back. If I got the feature, I'd continue on to get it again and if I didn't get it I'd have to carry on as it was bound to come out. I'd play and play and play, with the stress and urges rising all the time. It was only when all money was gone that I'd stop...almost with a sense of relief that it was over. I'd then beat myself up, say never again, stop for a while, start to feel better, forget how bad I felt, tell myself I'd control it next time and then start all over again. Lots of waffle...but my point is that the overwhelming urges only start after I start gambling (maybe no great realisation for many, but it was for me).

The lesson for me then is to not to start. That first bet won't just cost me 50p. I won't just put in £20. I won't stop, because I can't stop and I think I've just started to really understand that saying rather than just give it lip service.

No gambling for me today x

Enjoy the rest of your holiday and well done to you, I am on day 16, I cannot win because I cannot stop. I am taking one day at a time, they soon add up

Lovely post LB, spot on.

Enjoy the rest of your holiday,

Suzanne xx

Thanks for posting in my diary LifeBegins, day 17 for us, looking forward to celebrating the year mark with you, just imagine how much better our finances will look by then!! I still won't be debt free but it will be going in the right direction and that's what we are doing - going in the right direction. Enjoy the rest of your holiday x