Every Day Is A Second Chance

Not the first day 8, but hopefully the last.

Things are settled again and my mind has stopped whirring. Last week's binge made me take a good long look at things and I actually feel much better for it now. A few home truths and difficult conversations, but ultimately all for the good. One thing I realised was that the self-judgements, anxiety, stirring up of the past, snotty tears and hurt only come about when I've been gambling. 90% of my life I'm happy, calm and living in the here and now (ok, maybe 80%). But once I binge I go straight back to looking for why and dragging all the old stuff up to the surface....then the "I'm a terrible person" thing starts and it snowballs. The truth is I'm not a terrible person. I'm a good person who does stupid things sometimes...actually only one stupid thing (gambling). I have much to be grateful for in my life, great kids and husband, a lovely home, no real money worries, health, good friends, holidays to look forward to...the list goes on. But there is a bit of a void there. Being a stay at home mum isn't the most stimulating thing in the world and the reality is that I'm bored with the endless monotony of my everyday life.I'm in a rut....and it's that rut, not some deep trauma from my past, that I want to escape from with fifty quid on the slots. I don't think that's how I started down this path...avoiding my feelings and my grief was what hooked me in... but that's not what's keeping me here. Boredom and escape from what can seem like an endlessly long groundhog day is what's fuelling it now.

So. I'm drawing a line (I can see you smiling uncle George). No more looking back and driving myself mad (madder?!). I know what got me here. I know what's keeping me here. Today and for the last few days I've been figuring out ways to get me away from here. That's a work in progress, but that's ok. Am going to do some volunatry work, but I'm taking my time to decide what type I want to do. In the past I've always been drawn to caring type roles or working with children. The reality is, I don't want to do that type of thing anymore. I don't find kids particularly interesting (amazed I said that out loud) and although the volunteer woman was desperate for me to sign up to an alzehemiers day group, I held my resolve and said it wasn't for me. Have also discussed with hubby that we need to break the rut that we've gotten into...him playing video games, me watching TV...and we're signing up to yoga and possibly digging out our squash raquets ( we used to play but haven't in years)....may the lord help him!

So, I'm feeling hopefully about the future. For the first time I really don't want to gamble. Past times I wanted to not want to but still wanted to if that makes sense.Today I can see it for the blood sucking, emotionally draining complete waste of time that it is. And that feels good.

There it is ? That bloody great line in the sand and yes " l was smiling to myself " :)) good for you girl and as they say "out of something bad comes something good " ? Don't know if anyone did actually say that but I'll take the credit if they didn't ? If you wanted a job all you had to do was ask ! No need to send me your CV over the forum !! Can you peel spuds or fillet fish , I hope so :)) Have a great day Lb and if you and hubby want to do something , how about line dancing ? Yeeeehaaa ! Tee, Hee ! Xx

Hai LB,

You have a nice thoughtful mind obviously stemming from a nice person. Yet, I can't believe your kids jibe .... joking.

I did originally write a long ( back button ) post, but never made sense to me, hence duly deleted.

I think yoga a good move, and possibly a key getting to chapter 5...

So for now, I'll pass this link on. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wD91fSjKQik

Onmmm and no pressure either way but 8 days ahead, a cyber pact to keep it that way!!

Hi lb
Thanks for your kind words on my diary...lovely to see your post and the line in the sand drawn...and chuckled when I read the bit about the kids lol
I remember being home with the children....lovely time in my life when I look back on it....and some wonderfull memories....but I can also remember ....very vagley now due to the passing years lol....the feeling of " loneliness...and isolation "...and also the fact that there was not much structure with time...apart from the school run....anyway...I get what your saying....now go do something you fancy doing....for you....get your teeth into something my love....stay strong..x

To day 9? Thanks LB

Hi LB thanks for your lovely words- what a cracking post yesterday filled with my favourite word..hope! It gives us the strength to get through the cr*ppy times and move forward past that line that you have drawn! Forgive yourself, forgive your past and focus on your bright future filled with hope and wonderful opportunities thanks to being gamble free. All the best !

Hello LB , apologies for not responding sooner but thanks for your post and concern .

With ref your job hunt , Well !! you don't want much missy do you ? Working one day a week every six weeks but not during the holidays , not in months with an " R " in , plus twelve weeks a year off , fully paid and a pension plan , kinda narrows your options somewhat me thinks ? :)) So voluntary work seems the way forward then .

With my Hip problem , theyv'e just sent through an appointment with the consultant for the second week in July , so I'm not holding out much hope of getting it done before we go away , my daughter looked in to the cost privately and it's just short of £ 1,000 ouch ! (that was me not the hip ) so I'll just put up with it and mabe ask the doc for some stronger meds while I'm away . I really don't think it'll improve the " Dad dancing " either way TBH ? .

The kid's are all good thanks for asking , Mine and the borrowed ones , it just breaks your heart sometimes as the story unfolds and we learn more about their neglect , obviously I can't say stuff on here but a lot of it is just down to bad parenting skills , stuff that your kids took for granted would always be there , food, clean clothes and bedding that sort of thing , the eldest looks like he'll have to go into special needs schooling but my partners convinced the six yr old will catch up with his yr group with a bit of help and she's the one to do it if anyone can , baby's just baby really , enjoying learning as he goes and feeding the dogs with every spare morstle he can get his tiny hands on .

Anyway I'm rabbiting on now so I'll just wish you well as always and hope you carry on keeping your tootsies firmly behind that line youv'e drawn and you know where I am if yer need a natter ? .

Uncle George xx

Hello butterfly ☺

Yup..cocoon story i am familiar with..i even wrap myself in sheets while sleep lol..so yup..like cocoon haha..& when sun goes up - i cringe lol (simply cause i only go to sleep about 7am) but i fully get your interpretation...
Change is scary isn't it?..i thought about acceptance and change today..acceptance is slow process cause we need to get used to the idea of it...next...even harder graft starting cause change is taking place! ..bahh..if it was easier huh..but that's why i quite like term "day at a time" ..mainly cause i know my ever changing moods lol...i sat quietly on Monday cause felt good but was waiting for the feeling to go (usually does) but then Tuesday come and i felt even better! (That's when i start shaking thinking w*f is going on) and yesterday i had to speak up cause that was getting over the top ☺ lol..
I was told very true words...it all starts from within..right there - in your mind. It's powerful machine and it's so so true! All addictions are picked up in these boxes & equally all good emotions stems from it too.
I am very sure that we all can do anything if we put our minds and hearts to the task...sometimes it requires some work but as we know - progress not perfection!

Bahhh..I'm rambling again! You are right, if i wasn't here or stopped fighting after the first slip...i deffo wouldn't find myself smiling ear to ear now. All of you mean a lot to me! Ive been cared for, I've been supported & I've been hurt at times but all these experiences has made me only stronger and i wouldn't change a thing! (Of course i would change my overreactions and hurting others...this is work in progress and I'm working at making amends there.)...i am what i am, i need to keep working at many bad character bumps & be more accepting ☺. I have met so many amazing souls, many of them become my close friends and as of Sesuo...well..cannot pick your family can you :-D..ya watch, that cactus will be flying my way soon lol
Every day is different, we only need to enjoy the good ones and navigate safely not so good ones...sounds easy - it's not, but deffo doable!.

Wish you peaceful and calm weekend ☺

I heard it gives quite decent weather so butterflies can fly freely and enjoy the scenery 😉

Look after yourself

S x

Hiya

Thanks for your post - it's nice to know you understand and have been through something similar.

First, yes I could definitely add 'approval' to my the list.

There's nothing wrong with wanting any of these things. This state most often hits me with people I respect who are important to me, eg sound in-laws (yes, I now know can they exist!), or maybe my partners work friends (teachers). These are important people and there's certainly nothing wrong with wanting to get on well with them.

Healthy is to make the effort, to be yourself and let things be. But with me my need is hard wired in such a powerful way that it undermines things. Hmm it's hard to explain...this 'thing' isn't even thoughts of I must impress/be accepted whatever - it's like my fundamental state of mind changes.

When I'm 'on' in this way, it's quite suffocating. I'm self-conscious, I'm not present. Ironically, it's not even effective at achieving approval or acceptance by others - although it's generally safe enough to stop rejection, as in spite of all my inner stuff going on, I probably present as just being a bit quiet. Not being rejected clearly isn't enough - it really all does come down to love!

It's certainly useless for achieving what's really important to me - which is connecting with others, good company, wit, sincerity, openness.. the list goes on.

It's going to be interesting to see how I approach things when I notice I'm 'on' - and I tell myself, 'thanks but I don't need this'. . I still haven't quite figured this next step out. Being an obnoxious t$at isn't the answer I don't think.

Anyway, I'm sorry for a rant which should be for my own diary - it's just happened!

I'm delighted you're feeling better and have settled on a path going forwards. Boy, I really had to refrain from sticking my oar in when you were getting some strong advice. I didn't want to be another bloke wading in with a strong opinion on how to sort your life out (it's always blokes)! Hey ho it's generally all good and certainly well intentioned.

I've said before you strike me as different from most in that you're very self-aware. What you said about needing to develop new past times seems true. In my ACT world I call it living life according to values - normal people call it leading a more fulfilling life....it cuts out the need for the buzz. I guess with a long term partner you sometimes need to make more of a conscious effort to do stuff together rather than drift along? Take those little plunges, don't wait for the good feelings to carry you - or you might be waiting a long time!

Thanks again, I know your busy so need to post back as essentially this is a my diary post anyway.

Louis x

Meant to say - I totally agree with you on the ODAAT thing.

Personally, it's always been a bit alien to me. I realise it's clearly very useful for others - and I should imagine it's helpful if you're getting constant urges. But it also has connotations of a huge grit your teeth struggle to me.

Being present is very important but that's a different kettle of fish.

I don't get gambling urges any more but sometimes urges for alcohol - I find it useful to tell myself that this is an urge that will pass..which it does

Ok so to clear up as I think most misunderstand the one day at a time meaning.
GA literature doesnt speak ever of giving up gambling one day at a time.
What it says is to live your life one day at a time.
Good advice to anyone let alone addicts

As you said Louis, its about living in the present, not being consumed by your past or fearful of your future.

It then very kindly offers me a 12 Step Program to show me how it is possible to do so

Hey butterfly,

Only me again ☺..was driving to work and since it's the best time to have a thought in my head as well as keep concentrating on the road i went through last nights postings...hmmmm...alongside of random excitement of driving on the left hand side of the road (lol don't ask but just now dawned on me that i will never ever b able to drive in my country :-D...welcome to my crazy mind lol ) i also thought that i made right mess up on ur diary last night..i got mixed days up completely! It is Saturday today isn't it? Yup..so just fast forward the days i mentioned by two ;-)...

Nightshift workers life that is heh heh...

Anyway - hope today is good day in your world! I am slowly finding my feet back to the ground (told you this won't last long 😉 ) & enjoying calm before some not so nice bricks gonna start flying around in 5min...but that's just life & the team i work with..could b worse as we both know so i shall take it and embrace it!

Enough waffle, feel better clearing this up and sending you huuuuugeeeee smile and high five (why not) to have an amazing rest of the day!

Coo coo x

Hi LB

I am from the f&f side (have never had a diary) and realize it looked like my post on Dan's diary was being very opinionated about the ODAAT thing. I work the 12 steps of Gam Anon and have had to work it ODAAT to keep me sane:). With my 27 yr old son being the CG I was constantly reliving the past (what could I have done better) and worrying about the future( what if this, what if that blah blah blah) and I was miserable and of no help or support for him.

I have read your diary and I just wanted to let you know that I admire the courage and energy it takes for a compulsive gambler to work a recovery. I know it is the hardest thing you will ever do. I have a ton of the same worries and fears and self doubt that you have described but somehow was not hit with the addiction stick.

Best wishes on your recovery journey.

Cathyx

Thanks for the post Louis...feel free to "rant" on my diary anytime. I like reading your thoughts 🙂

Thanks also Dan for the clarification...that makes more sense and feels more do-able.

Cathy...thank you for your message. I didn't want my post about ODAAT to offend anyone or stir up any type of controversy. It works for many people, and I would never knock it so I was a little hesitant to even say it.... I'm glad that I don't seem to have upset anyone 🙂

I have always deeply admired the people ( mostly women?) on the f&f side of this awful addiction. The level of love, compassion, understanding and dogged detemination to support loved ones through this takes my breath away. At times I find myself questioning whether I would have it in me to be so supportive if the shoe were on the other foot. I honestly don't know that I would. And then for you all to come on here and give your time, effort and energy to people who you've never even met?...well, I don't have words for that. Your input, and that of CW, half life and many others is much appreciated (and needed).

LB x

Been feeling a bit blah lately. Not up, not down, just blah.No gambling...not even really thinking about it. Had what I think was a bit of a turning point this week, but who knows? Realising something on an intellecutal level is often quite different to putting it into practice....

Probably one of the more challenging areas in my day to day life is my realtionship with my daughter. The majority of the time we get on well, and in truth she's a good kid, but we have a few areas that we clash on frequently. I spend my time nagging and she spends her time resisting...mostly about her not being ready on time for things. Sounds petty, but it's been going on for years and it gets very wearing. If I'm going out of my way to give her a lift then I expect her to be ready to go. Anyway, the ins and outs of it all aren't that important. What my moment of clarity showed to me this week was that I have never honestly told her how I feel about this. I've nagged, yelled, huffed and puffed and expected her to know, but I've never clearly told her how I feel. Sure, she gets that I'm mad but I've never told her honestly why it bugs me. And I realised that this comes from my own past. My Mum shared far too much information about her emotions and her feelings when I was growing up. As the only one still living at home, I listened endlessly to how she was feeling and in retrospect it was too much. I think I decided I wasn't going to do that to my kids...but maybe I went too far the other way. "don’t involve children in adult issues....you should not burden your children with your emotions" which is true in many situations. I don't think kids should become involved in their parents emotional lives, but I've now realised that I've misunderstood exactly what that means. I think I've also been very hung up on the concept of unconditional love and acceptance....I "should" love her unconditionally and unconditionally meant without conditions. So, how could I say "that's upsetting me"..."this isn't fair" etc. I don't want her to feel that she has to "be good" or to behave in a certain way to feel loved. I'm sure this stems from my feeling that I had to be a "good hard working girl" to get the attention when I was young. But I've got that mixed up I think. Expecting her to be responsible, and respectful of my time and efforts doesn't mean I don't love her. I don't love her being late all the time, but I still love her. Knowing that some of my emotional issues come from my parents I've always been very keen to protect her emotionally. But I now realise that I'm not doing her any favours. She does need to realise that her actions have an emotional effect on people around her. It doesn't make me a terrible mother to say that I don't like it when you do this...or that you doing this makes me feel upset. So, yesterday, I explained (calmly) that it feels like she's taking the mickey and that I feel quite put upon.That she is given an awful lot of time and effort and it doesn't feel appreciated and that I'd like to do all of these things with a happy heart but when she doesn't make any efforts to change my heart actually feels quite resentful. I can't say it felt good. Just seeing the word resentful and knowing I've typed it in relation to my own child stings.But it's the truth. I feel like I've been holding in so many emotions connected to her that I don't like (and some I'm ashamed of...who feels resentful towards their own child?) But there it is. Honesty. Not sure I'm liking it. And I'm still confused...because as a mother I "should" love and not expect to get anything in return. Ohhhh, I don't know. I thought I was clear, but I realise I'm still conflicted. I just want to do the right thing. And yes, there's still the fear that I'll mess her up. That she'll end up like me. And I don't want that for her. Why is it so hard? I'm going to have to come back to this...I'm making myself feel worse!