Every Day Is A Second Chance

Hi LB

If your daughter ends up being like you then I think that would be truly brilliant. You come across as a very thoughtful, compassionate, kind, interesting, funny person - all brilliant qualities. Hey everybody their faults but you've got these positive qualities in abundance.

I know I'm not in a position to comment as I'm not a father (yes, still nothing happening on that front yet). But your realisation above certainly makes a LOT of sense to me reading as an outsider. In fact I'm sure your daughter would really get this if she read this plea - not suggesting she does, but such expression of feeling would help her get your perspective.

I can see that if you don't express your emotions properly, in the way you did recently, then your daughter's defences go up - massive struggle ensues.

I can imagine that, when parenting, it's so easy to over-compensate for perceived shortcomings of ones own parents. And how over compensating can lead to it's own issues.

But expressing your emotions is important for you and for her.

I can't really complain about my parents - but if I was to then I kind of wish my parents, particularly father, was more emotional. So, opposite to you and your mum - and I can imagine me now being overly emotional now in return to my child. Which could be annoying and I'm sure the child would crave my more stable, stoic father.

Gawd, seems very tough being a parent. You're doing brilliantly, but maybe the classic CG trait of being overly self-criticial is in play here?

Best

Louis

Hi, LB,

I didn't thank you for your last post on my diary, a belated thank you.

re your daughter, welcome to my world!!! Can relate to everything you wrote, my older two have a very independent streak, fine but yes, I do need to have some vague idea of where they are and when they're coming home, if only because it's not supposed to be a guesthouse. And because my daughter is still a minor and we have to be responsible for her, even if she's all grown up because she wants to drive soon. I'm definitely going to try stating calmly that whatever it is that they're doing bothers me - I certainly get told why my fussing etc bothers them. And they're blazing a trail for the younger two.

I had different peculiarities in my relationship with my parents, they were older and I am an only child. And apparently I was a child/teenager/student so many eons ago that my experiences are totally irrelevant - "But life's different now, Mum!"

What's sad is that I can indeed relate to that BBC series about Grumpy Old Women. And worse still, it doesn't bother me.

Onwards and upwards, stay safe.

CW

Hi LB

I absolutely think you would support an addict that you love. Sometimes when a CG is in active recovery we are supporting them by helping with finances, driving them to meetings etc and when they are not in recovery supporting them means letting them go until they reach the proverbial "rock-bottom". I have supported my son thru both and thankfully right now I am supporting his recovery:)

I too have a daughter (23 years old) and can absolutely relate to you on this one! Ours can be the most loving, fun relationship some days and others we are not speaking( and I don't even know why???). I know for me I felt guilty/ashamed that I allowed our house to become one of chaos and drama with my addict son taking all my time and energy. I let this guilt stop me from parenting my daughter which did nobody any good. I like you felt very resentful and kind of like a hostage. Trust yourself LB. It's like me supporting my addict son... he doesn't have to like it (or even me) for it to be the right thing.

Being a mom is not for the faint of heart!!

Cathyx

Thank you everyone...your input and sharing of experiences really helps. Even though I know I'm not the only Mum that goes through this, it sometimes feels that way! I also know that this is minor compared to all the issues that other people are facing...and that a lot of it is just normal teenage child/parent struggles...and yes, no-one's died and I should cherish her while she's here because soon she'll fly the nest...but still, it's the groundhog day, almost continual, unremittingness of it that wears me down. And because I'm holding a lot of stress and tension in about it, it's always sitting not far below the surface. Which means that it doesn't take very much for it to rise to the surface...no wonder that I seem nagging, irritable, tearful, angry at times And then when it's settled back down, I feel bad and guilty for feeling like that. And round and round we go.. And I know that this is a gambling recovery site and that this doesn't really seem connected to gambling, but I'm aware enough to realise that for me it's absolutely connected and is a trigger. Not in any way that she's making me want to gamble (that would be a lie I'd be telling myself...no-one else can make me want to gamble or act on it) but that when those feelings rise and I want to shut them up the way I know that works best is to have a session on the slots (or a vino, but it's too early for that!). And after another morning where she was up late and not ready on time I can feel those urges as I'm typing this, but typing this is helping to let those feelings ebb away. And breathe....

So. Diary...having gone over this many times over the years, and endlessly in the last few months, this is what I know....I am a good mum. I may not be perfect, but I'm good enough. Everything I have done regarding my kids has been with the best of intentions and from a place of love. I am not my mother or my sister and I haven't treated my daughter in the way they treated theirs. Time and time again, I've been told that I'm not as unstable as I imagine, that I'm not as bad as I think, that I'm not passing on my insecurities and flaws...time to start believing it.She has a very stable home life with both parents in a loving, commited relationship.She will have picked up good (and not so good) bits from both us.We may have made some mistakes along the way (mostly by over indulging her with both time and money) but nothing that can't be fixed. I need to cut myself some slack and stop trying to get everything right.The endless books on parenting and child psychology can be packed away. I can let go of feeling guilty about virtually everything and realise that showing my emotions is a good thing.Making her stick to the rules (we've always set them!) is ok and showing that actions have consequences is the right thing to do. She is a good kid, and it's important for me to remember that. It's easy to get caught up in feeling irritated by what she's not doing, but I really must make sure I acknowledge and recognise all the positive things she does too. This is all normal. It won't always feel this way. I don't need to feel guilty about having difficult emotions. Feeling like she drives me absolutely crazy at times is ok. It doesn't make me a bad person. It doesn't mean I don't love her. It isn't going to see her on a psychaitrists couch at some point in the future. I might have to take a leap of faith with some things and let her make her own mistakes (that terrifies me). I do need to make some changes though because feeling like this and living with the rows isn't doing any of us any good.

Thank you for listening diary. My mind feels a bit calmer. I'm going to type out a list of the things I want her to do (carefully worded!) and give it to her. Having it on paper, will (hopefully) take away the need for me to constantly remind/ask her (nagging as she calls it) and I can clearly state what's required and what the consequnces are. Simple things like put your dirty washing in the laundry basket and I'll wash it, but I'm not picking stuff up off the floor anymore. The consequnce being that you'll run out of clean clothes if this doesn't get followed. This will also make it clear to Daddy, who is wrapped around her little finger and who often unwittingly lets her off the hook. Sticking to it will be the hard part for me (her wet towel on her bedroom floor has been calling me all morning) but I can't moan if I don't change too. Time to buckle up. Wish me luck 🙂

Here's what I know. Being a parent is one of the toughest thankless but rewarding jobs going. Ups downs and more self doubt than you can handle but its a job that doesn't have an expiry regardless of whatever age they are.

How we all deal with this 'job' is as individual and challenging than most would wish but that's the deal. All any of us can hope is we have a parent or try and parent with love.

thanks for the message on my diary LB. never think you're not welcome to stop in for a cuppa and a biscuit any time 🙂 Tri

Thanks for that Tri. I've just re-read it (in a much calmer frame of mind) and today I'm able to smile at the line " Ups downs and more self doubt than you can handle but its a job that doesn't have an expiry regardless of whatever age they are." Very true words my friend 🙂

I think that hurtling towards my big 5-0 is having an affect on me, and although I like to think I'm ok with getting older, I keep finding myself reading articles to do with women and ageing. Not botox and wrinkles ageing (although no doubt I could do with reading those), but mid-life crisis type articles...about how women's feelings and emotions change around this time and how it can be a time of great challenge as we begin to see ourselves as less useful, redundant, past it. But that it is also a time for change and growth and many people find themselves more confident and less bothered about what other people think and better able to say no. More mature, more independent, more secure. I identify with a lot of what I'm reading. Some of it is very uplifting and some of it is a bit of a downer, but often times I've found it reassuring to see my thoughts and feelings being reflected in the articles these women have written. One wrote recently about the idea that happiness is u shaped.That happiness is high when we're younger but it fades in middle age only for it to rise again later in life. 45 to 50 seems to be the lowest point for happiness ...and there's even articles that use this theory in relation to marriage. It's quite an interesting idea.Obviously, they're not looking at it with the spectre of addiction hanging over it and that kind of mucks up the u shape, but for me it does seem to make sense.

And it lead me to thinking about happiness and life and all the cliches and feel good quotes that abound around it, most of which are guff. Is it really about learning to dance in the rain? Or is it just accepting that sometimes it rains, and there's sod all you can do about it 🙂 For me, It's accepting that life (and recovery) isn't all about skipping through the daisy fields, or flying on marshmallow clouds (thanks ODAAT). Much of life is just plodding along. Some days are truely awful, some days are fantastic but in between is just mostly ok. And that's allright, and that's normal and I think that's what most people have. And I'm ok with mostly ok. Does this sound like a downer? It's not meant to...I actually find it quite empowering to let go of feeling that I should be living all those cliches. Seizing the day and embracing every moment is exhausting....I'm quite happy to be in my tracky bottoms drinking tea, eating biscuits and feeling blah sometimes! If every day were ab-fab how would we be able appreciate them? Don't we need some non-fab days for the great ones to be able to stand out?

Anyway, I'm rambling and I've no idea where that all came from or why! Not gambling, not wanting to gamble,not thinking about gambling. All good in the hood for me today x

Made me smile LB thanks. Today is work work and more work minus the few minutes I protect or my recovery posts and supporting replies. Going to try and get on the 2-3 chat but doubt i'll manage that still I have a plan.

Sending you my best royal wave. Tri x

Morning LB... I just saw this quote the other day

In three words I can sum up everything

I've leaned about life:

It goes on.

Robert Frost

Actually feeling really ok lately. Not over thinking things as much...I seem to have made a few more connections lately and in the process have laid a few ghosts to rest. My mind feels clearer and I feel more confident in my decisions and clearer about things in general. I feel like I'm reaching a state of acceptance of myself. Have noticed that I'm opening up much more about my feelings, thoughts and opinions with people and am less concerned with their reactions and judgements. Had a really good talk with my oldest friend yesterday. Told her a bit about how I've been struggling. I haven't wanted to talk much with her about my problems since her husband died...I figure she's already got enough on her plate...but she was supportive and said that she still wants to know what's going on with everyone else. My walking friend and I are getting much more open and honest with each other two. I've known her for years,and on the surafce she hasn't a care in the world. But as I've shared more, so has she andhe and it turns out that she's been having quite a struggle going on beneath the perfect facade too. Taking that risk and saying things aren't perfect, sometimes it's hard, let's be more honest really does seem to be helping.

Life is still throwing s***t bricks but I seem to be better able to cope with them. My first thought in times of stress isn't the online slots now. I still have the odd thought about making a deposit...I'm def not cured!!...but I'm much more aware of where it will lead. Sitting with the feelings, or finding some other healthier distraction, seems to be helping.

I always liked the Maya Angelou line "when you know better, you do better".

But, I think it should be changed to "when you know yourself better, you do better"

Aweeee...such an amazing post. Got my eyes watering but in a good way ☺

So good to read that you keep learning about yourself and finding what makes you tick.
I have a long way to go in self discovery. Socialising is still very hard stuff for me to do. The friend you have talked of sounds like an amazing asset in your life. I think that's what missing in my life - a friend to go for a walk, talk, be crazy with and have a laugh. I have a good friend...yet, the only joy we tend to find going out together is bloody arcades :-(...lack of connection, inbeded negative action we both tend to repeat. No good!

I remember a person in my rooms saying: " if you need to reach out and share your troubles, never be scared. No matter how far the other soul in recovery is and how successful they feel - they might just need that reminder at the time and it helps them in exactly the same way as for you"...golden words!

You said your friend has her troubles, but what we tend to miss is that conversation might of helped her million times because she knows that we all have our demons within us, and we are not on our own with these struggles. Masks are good sometimes, but them slipping is something unavoidable too.
Anyway, what a ramble! You keep doing what you doing lovely. I am very happy for you feeling happy and at peace ☺

Stay safe - kee winning

S x

Hi LB , thanks for the drop by :)) always nice to hear from you .

Cow tipping ehg , LOL ! if you were stuck under one at least you'd have got to see the " Udder " side of life ? ( ooh , that was bad even for me , sorry ) :)) . All going well at the mo , just not enough hours in the day and yes your right the wedding's rushing towards me at a rate of knots , TBH it's all I've got on my mind at the moment , which is good I suppose .

Puupy's recovering well but hates being confined to a pen , she has to be carried out to do her bits and carried back , no running , climbing stairs or walking on slippery surfaces for about 6 - 8 weeks but I'm sure she'll have a new lease of life when she's fit , just wish they'd sort my legs out so I could chase things like I used too :)) .

Glad to see your feeling a lot more positive about everything and not overthinking stuff , sometimes we just need to accept without questioning and move on ( I'll prob get moaned at again for not delving to deeply ) but hey , thats just me and as I always say " Life's just too short " , soak life up , good and bad and live it coz that's what were here for :))

Still love that phrase of Joan's " Shi.te bricks " its giot a certain ring don't cha think ? :).

Have a great day Luvelly bird and I'll catch up with ya soon xx

Hi LB,

Thanks for the post. I truly appreciate your thoughts and trying to help!
This friendship has such a long history you don't wonna know..believe me ☺. I was thinking how socialising with someone makes you act the same way too. It's exactly the same with the crowds you find yourself with as a teenager. I guess it's catching.
Now me going out with my friend (god forbid to the seaside) means & i know that!..we will go to the arcades. I think it's my bad influence i have and she just has no power or strength to say no :-(..what really saddened me from the last blip is what i was just "out in the zone" and she was waiting next to me until she said..."f**k it i will draw some money too" :-(..that was really bad example of me and even if i wanted to say - no, let's go..i was too engrossed in feeding coins in the machine!
Now...it's different with other ppl..let's say sister - i associate her with shopping! Yes, if we go out, there is always shops to visit...she spends then and i just look around (I'm not very big shopaholic).
Let's say someone from GC i meet up with. Wouldn't even have a thought of such crazy things like gambling! Never ever and i know that. That would b the most embarrassing and damaging thing to do! I have met quite few souls from here and we had so many amazing memories created. "Normal" stuff people do in their every day life ☺

Not sure where this post is taking me lol...i guess the surroundings, people you socialise with has instant impact on how you act around them!

Hope all is good in ur world, will "see" you tom on the challenge 😉

Take care lovely

S x

Hi, LB,

Thanks v much for your post.

I was being facetious when I said that I didn't and didn't want to know the answer to therapist's question but actually it's bounced back and hit me in the face. She's not the only person to say it.

I really don't have a clue why. Possibly a lack of backbone. I can think of various external factors such as lack of support, lack of accurate information, didn't want to disrupt the kids etc first time round but none of that addresses my thought processes and why I didn't think that I deserved better. And as you say, it is a relevant question for both sides of the fence.

Co-dependency is apparently an addiction to the addict that produces similar behaviour. That part's not really me, I don't and never have laboured under the illusion that it's my role in life to save him from himself. But clearly I am affected, there are striking similarities on those not so opposite sides of the fence.

And yes, sorry, I should collate my thoughts over my diary rather than everyone else's.

Thanks again,

CW

Doing ok at the moment. Lots going on...a few dramas and wider family issues plus my trout pouted friend is doing my head in...but am managing to keep my head above the water and not sink under the weight of it all. Weeble like, I've wobbled but I haven't fallen down!

Am aware that I'm not putting much time into this place. I often come on and read and want to reply but can't seem to find the words. Some people's diaries touch me deeply and then I find my head a bit too full and my mind starts whirring and I don't feel like I can go there right now.But that's ok. Maybe I'm finally learning how to take of myself.

All's good. With the last few "things" that have happened I've realised that the strong emotions eventually fade if I give them enough time. Shock, anger, disappointment,sadness,anxiety, fear, irritaion, rage...I've felt them all recently, and they've all dissipated after a while without stuffing them down or medicating them away. It strikes me as I'm typing this that I'm actually starting to feel excitement again too. There's a couple of holidays/occassions coming up that I'm actually looking forward to. For many years the most worked up I'd get was a muted "yeah, it'll be good" whereas today I'm actually truely feeling a tingle of excitement about upcoming things. I wonder if that's the ying to the yang of feeling the more difficult feelings fully? Blocking out the c.rap also blocked out the good? Maybe I can only feel the happy when I'm also feeling the sad? Who knows? Not going to overthink that one! Just going to go with it and enjoy the feelings 🙂

All's good in the hood x

Afternoon luverly one , :)) I think your spot on with the " Blocking out the cra.P , blocks out the good " , I think we become totally numb to any real feelings and the one's we do allow to surface are just fabricated to get us through any situation that arises ( cor blimey , that was a bit deep for me ?) .

I used to come across some trout pouty mum's at my sons school , ( maybe not the same as your talking about with your friend ) but botoxed to the hilt with that same one size fits all occasion expressions , they were unable to muster any form of emotion because there face was frozen solid but hey , they were perfect so they had no worries did they ? and all you constantly got where what achievers their little Oroganza or Sceptacemia were ( think that was there name's ? ) but the kid's were just so e***n miserable and if thats them enjoing their childhood then your welcome to it ( Sorry went off on one then ) :)).

Right , back in the room now LOL ! . I also haven't been around here as much lately but that's not necessarily such a bad thing ?, you have to wean yourself away at some point and like you, I myself am enjoying the real world more these day's , the point is it's here when you feel the need read or the need to bleed if that makes sense ?.

Really good to hear you feel in a better place these days and long may it continue :))

Enjoy the moments of peace and wellbeing and talk to you soon LB :))

Best wishes , Uncle George x