Every Day Is A Second Chance

Getting back to some level of normality after the school holidays. Spent last week catching up on all the stuff I'd been neglecting over the summer, and this week is the first "back to reality week".The summer was great as I was away for so much of it that I didn't really have time to think about gambling. My mind and time was occupied and I was enjoying life. I know already that this week will be testing as the comedown begins and the boring day to day takes back over. It is what it is. This is life. It can't always be busy and enjoyable....doing ok when life is merely plodding along is the real test.I feel ok about it though. Strong enough to recognise that this will be a challenge. That feeling bored or dissatisfied is merely the lie I'll tell myself to justify the gambling.

I decided to come off the 2016 challenge as I was finding day counting counter productive for me. It was meant to motivate me, but I just found myself thinking 97 days... is that all? If I add those days to all the other stretches I think I'm closer to 400 non-gambling days, but it doesn't work like that as the days inbetween when I gambled get in the way. I find myself frustrated by that and start to beat myself up, so it's better for me not to do it (for now anyway.) Don't count the days, make the days count.

Anyway, I'm feeling good. I was reading an article about the hedonic traedmill and the cycle of desire fulfillment...."we want something, we perhaps get it, we feel good for a while and then return to whatever default level of happiness or sadness we enjoyed before. Nothing really changes." I need to read more, but I guess the answer to happiness and fulfillment lies in changing our own default levels.

Hai LB,

Has been a while but do catch updates of my gc buds. It's nice to hear that you've had a good Sumner with no thoughts of gambling. It's the way it should be!

I guess day counting is a good early tool to gather momentum and then, agreed it can be counter productive. Yet, I think having a goal to head towards is important as ' normal ' life can be very ground hog day.

Only speaking for me, I also think it's not a bad thing to have some thing to escape too every now and then, whether it's a book or letting your hair down over a few drinks with a pal and having a good talk of drivel.

Back in the day when my gambling was probably at its worse, I use to run away on geographical, mostly long haul last minute. One thing I realised, is that my shelf life was about 3 months living everyday life, then work or social would get my head down and thats when I would be the susceptible to a crash with ramping up of drinking/ gambling. Moral there - it's good to have a break, as proved by your summer.

Ramble over

I know your not counting days anymore but thought I would pop by and congratulate you on reaching the century club. Although I'm ten minutes early
Have a great day x

Lb sorry to hear that sorry for jumping the gun.
Strangely enough if you remember back a few months ago I myself left the challenge
As I didn't want to count the day's anymore as I was feeling they didn't represent where I was. Or where I thought I was anyway.
Within a couple of day's I myself relapsed. Which gets me thinking maybe counting days is a good thing. Maybe it keeps us grounded?

I'm sorry to see you have gone through a lot lately.
I hate the word relapse it just sounds wrong

I also gambled after a grievance one that just swiped me from behind when I was on my best run of gf day's

Anyway I'm only on day ten so will gladly walk the distance with you

D and g because geri was my favourite spice girl
Or Dean and gambaling I prefer the first?

Speak soon x

That's a bi.tch to hear LB. But, glad to hear that your not beating yourself up about it!!

I hope neither financially or mentally there's been minimum damage. But, hai Ho your back and still sparring.

Could this possibly be a delayed reaction from your tragic loss of ur pal a couple of weeks back. Life can be so unfair and death becomes a great leveller, but it does make you stronger...

Abstinence for sure is easier on a upward curve, so, I guess it's a way of finding a solid foundation when it's not so good.

You'll get there LB

Started here but popped it over on Mrs D as I think it belongs there!

But, nevermind me, w*f?!? Get it down, draw a line & figure out your next move forwards...You can't keep running LB, all the stuff you're running from is on a bungee, you gotta figure out how to cut the cord! You know where I am if you need a scream!

I've ranted & moved on, seriously! It is what it is, what it's always been & was a blip in my evening no more than that!

Don't make excuses to not reach out if you think it could help in anyway & FFS, get rid of the card (angry face)!

Hi, LB

Sorry to hear it but Playing hide and seek with the card isn't a fun game for anyone concerned. There are threads about it in the f&f. I've heard at extremes of it being done with the food money for a low income family. The CG won. The whole family lost.

My husband is very bright, his academic intelligence is much greater than mine, for all the good that did him in not calculating the odds for spread betting. We have pretty high barriers but we both know that if he decided to pull the wool over my eyes and start gambling again, he'd outwit me. I do follow the usual security precautions but that's not what keeps him safe. He doesn't chaff at the barriers and actively look for ways round them. He's gf for now because he chooses to be, because he goes to his meetings and they help him stay clean. And at the end of the day, however bright or dim I may be, it's down to him to avoid the first bet, I can't do it for him and I won't try.

It's an old chestnut but maybe it's time for more tools...GA and/or counselling. To address the addiction, not just the using.

Best wishes,

CW

Thanks everyone. Taking it all on board and I will reply, but for now...

So what was it? The come down after the holidays, the loss of my friend,the old fears and anxieties resurfacing, knowing where the card was and hearing the line "I don't check that account", the thought that I'm 50 next month and I'd promised myself that I'd be stopped by then,coming off the challenge and not being accountable, feeling a bit blah, one last hurrah? Maybe it was one of those, some combination of them? In reality, it was probably none of those. I think they're just excuses. Lies I tell myself to justify the action. I wanted to gamble. It was that simple. I wanted to feel that feeling again. And nothing and no-one can stop that except for me. It's my responsibility, my job to change my behaviours.

A few things have clicked in the last day. I finally understand Duncs words about being in action. I never really understood what he meant before, but that it's not the winning or losing but staying in play that matters. Just wanting to keep feeling that feeling. And then the Panorama programme. Dan told me it's not about the buzz but it has often felt like it's about the buzz, so I've been confused. I know how it makes me feel. I remember telling the gamcare chap that I feel like my brain lights up when I'm on the slots. Like there's a fire behind my eyes....I'm sure my pupils dilate...and that feeling starts as I start thinking about doing it. As soon as the thought "I'm going online" starts those feelings start to flood my brain. And then there it was on that programme. I'm not mad...it does happen. So have I been wasting all my time trying to understand the feelings, emotions, reasons behind my actions? That's when I realised that it's both. I started gambling as a reaction to grief, fear, lack of connection, to stop feeling and to fill a void. But the repeated exposure to it changed my brain. Moulded it into an addicted brain that craves the chemical response, the buzz. And now that I've really done all the stuff on the emotional side and I'm feeling the best I've felt in years, and I recognise, accept and am truely ok with life and myself why do I still feel the urge to gamble? I thought that if I got happy I'd no longer want to gamble. I'd just ping back to the old pre-slot me. That all the things I used to find enjoyable would become that way again. But good old Professor Nutt has shown me that it isn't so. That my brain has changed. Reading a book, seeing a show, walking...none of those will elicit that same brain reaction. How can they? I can't say I'm happy about the idea, but it did feel like some kind of eureka moment. Like the answers I've been looking for have suddenly been found.

And so today I feel that I finally accept it for what it is. It has me beat. Being happy won't stop it, but emotional stability and connection can only be a good thing. I have to believe that given enough time the desire to gamble will go (or at least lessen)...I've just never given it a really long enough sustained period. If a brain can be changed by repeated exposure....a conditioned response...then I have to believe that it can change back. That learned behaviours can be unlearned. If that's a lie I'm telling myself, then I'm going with it for now as I really don't want to hear any different. Not that the addiction will go (althought I suppose that is really what I want), but that it can be altered. That it won't be so dominant. That it can be done.

And that I can do it.

I think that it can...

When I used to drive my gambling routes, or get to my gambling car parks, I used to get frissions of excitement, I guess I still do to some extent. At the start of my recovery, I relished the challenge of sticking 2 fingers up to Mr G (probably easy as I had no proper access to money), then it became a bit of a battle of conscience (had money but knew I'd be busted), now it really is like knowing I have an allergy (yes, I could do it & get away with it, maybe even enjoy it whilst I did it but the fallout would be so damaging) & so I shrug my shoulders & carry on with my day. There's no battle of wills anymore, sometimes I think if I'd have blinked I would have missed it, sometimes I have to laugh @ the stupidity of me but it's definitely different now.

Acceptance & eureka moments are all very well & maybe the impending birthday will be the line in the sand but only you can make it so & if that means more counselling, don't discount it! The decision whether to gamble or shout for help is ours...Sounding off to a friend or smashing up the laptop won't give you the same buzz but it won't give you the come down afterwards & maybe that sense of achievement will help moving forwards!

Hi LB,

Sat here staring at the screen for last 10 mins but still not sure what to say... hmmm..

Forgive yourself, learn from it..make a lil change & give yourself time. (Not in a form of days gf), time you feel you need to get everything in order. There is no limit, you will know yourself.

Look after yourself and just for today, be kind to you!

I'm here if you need me - unconditionally

S x

LB,

Firstly, Kents a nice county, some beautiful green villages I witness from train windows. And i like the tranquillity, tis the reason why I like staying where I am in Surrey. But, towns seem to be different, I see the same S****e I use to see 30 years ago in Lincolnshire, with evening brawls and ferrel peeps throwing pizzas at me or giving me grief because I won't give someone change who's better dressed than I am. Lived and was associated to what's classed as a lost rough area of London and never any grief, so I don't get center of town evening mentality.

Rambled to much there.

Possibly on repeats here, your no doubt a good person/ mah / wife, but what about you? It's great attaining knowledge, becoming more self aware and looking out for people, but what's your aim?. I think everyone needs short term and long term aims other wise we get spinning in circles. I'm thinking you've also possibly have an element of guilt that drives you to gambling, the guilt being that you've got all you need, yet possibly being stuck in not being happy with your lot... Only a guess there, as it's something I feel guilty off.

I know for myself that one of my happiest times was not long after losing a hand and correar and having nothing, yet trying to do a house up and scape a new living. Back to the wall mentality goes along way, not saying I want to go back there but did teach me that basicness isn't a bad thing.

As like Louis past post, discover your values, what makes you tick and keep moving forward. There's no rush

Not far behind you in the half century club, it really is when LifeBegins...

Yesterday is but a memory, tomorrow is just a vision of hope, take action today.

Hi again, LB,

Thanks v much for your post. A bit of plain speaking?

You said that he was seriously dim because, no frills, that's exactly what you thought. It's not important about tact or otherwise. And he could do better but that's not the point, either. The problem is, there's a train of thought that's blaming him for not stopping you. Which is pure addict thinking, (a bit like, "Just a tenner won't hurt!"). It's him, not you, so you can't or don't need to change because it's him, not you.

If you pay lip service to the idea that you chose to gamble whilst in fact you do blame him? It won't end well. Maybe the relationship has it's problems but they're not all down to him.

He can't stop you, no matter what he does. It's not physically possible. And he can't take over the problem and fix it for you. You have to fix you. Being self aware is a good start but it's not a substitute for action. For getting proper barriers, for attending counselling, for attending meetings, for upping your game. For keeping on keeping on.

Hope you're still speaking to me. Wish you well.

CW

Ever thought you might be looking back for something that simply isn't there?

I don't think we need answers to why we're like this.
We just need to work on how we beat it.

Get your Bridget Jones pants on a don't be ashamed to get back on the 2016 challenge
Which will also give you 102 days by years out
Have a great one x
Thanks for the kind word's
Dave