Every Day Is A Second Chance

Thanks for your comments on my diary LB. Pleased your back is feeling better and life is good. I was reading some of your early comments about controlled gambling, I know it wouldn't work for me either...why is there something strangely satisfying in chasing till you have nothing left?

Hey chook 😉

Thank you for the post and look at YOU! WOW ☺ You are turning the corner ain't ya! Well happy for you and your high spirits makes me smile from ear to ear....so....Thank You 🙂 x

As of my F1 driving...well, i had to get back in the saddle at some point. Didn't have much "practice" but that had to do! I am still very scared & for the matter of fact i had a mini heart attack last night heading home because thought lorry is "coming to get me" at the accident place :-(..i did near enough stopped to get my breathing back. I believe these situations will keep happening because i well & truly have flashbacks daily. Everything takes time...this shall pass too.
On a good note, i feel back to normal as reversed into the lampost again today ...lol...I thought the car park is getting smaller but then remembered that I'm parking a "limousine" & not my lil buggy now ;-).

And yup...this time last year i was in the bad place...well worse than now. I don't need to tell you who i am thankful for these lil miracles and different mindset.

Thank you for your continued support and sharing your journey with us!

Hugs and have a lovely/ peaceful and rewarding evening.
Proud of you!

S x

Lazily echoing the first paragraph of Sandra's post above.

Even when I go quiet, I do tend to follow my favourites on GC and it's superb seeing you doing well.

You and some other cyber people , with a tad of 3d has seemingly helped me out of my last 6 month head funk. Thankyou.

I trust them pony's have there woollies on.

Have a good day LB

How is Mrs Galaxy doing?

Thinking about you! ☺

S x

Occassionally I look at my diary and pick a random page and read it (yes, I know I need to get out of the house more). I have just read page 9. It was like a slap around the face. The pain and emotion that I was feeling. I'd gambled (again) and I was so raw. It bought tears to my eyes remembering that time. I'm not even sure if it was the last time I gambled (it propbably wasn't, I fell off the horse a few times whilst being on here). Anyway, it was amazing to read. The responses, the kindness, the advice. It feels so good to not feel like that anymore. Life feels so different and so much better. How I feel right now, today, is like night and day to back then. I don't want to go back to living that misery anymore and it feels fab to know that I don't have to.

That page also had this poem, which I'm putting here as it sums up my gambling.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by Portia Nelson

Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down another street.

Hiya LB....I'm on Chapter 3....thank you for the post on my diary. I am doing ok, been enlightening reading your diary, yes there are many similarities. I had a counselling session today...was doing well until we started talking about feeling proud of oneself....and although I know there are things I have achieved in life, and others say I should be proud of myself, I am not. You talk about almost beating yourself into doing the right thing, I look back on a list of unfinished projects, failed relationships....they are my stick. Was telling counsellor that today I have restarted my diet....put on about 10lbs in weight since beginning of December, but still 1.5 stone lighter than I was last May...she said "be careful...you are almost being kind to yourself there". I am touched by your support, thank you x

Thank you Life Begins...yes anxiety has subsided...ended up typing madly on netline, to someone who didn't know what to reply, but I didn't need a reply, just someone to hear. Found the knot disappeared and the tears flowed. Seen counsellor today, explained what had happened...she said it sounded like a normal reaction to fairly extreme situation, and I did well...didn't head out the door to the casino, and didn't push the feelings down with food. So thankful to have found this forum, and the people on it when I did.

Evening lb

Thank you for the post. Life sure does feel good. I like the post's in your diary it's good to see you've turned the corner to and you're being kind to yourself. Lb I don't know if I've ever thanked you or I haven't thanked you enough for the headspace app that really got me through some tough time's. Especially with anxiety. I've never suffered anxiety until last year. But thanks to the app I haven't had it since. It's good to see you still 9 day's behind.

Thanks again lb xx

You are right LB, and gambling was part of my self imposed isolation. There is another way....and that is what I am seeking now...feel like posting a "work in progress" sign. How are you doing?

Ok diary, heven't been here for a while. I know I need to catch up with everyone but right here, right now I just need to offload. Don't even really know why but I just feel all over the place and rather than hold it in I'm letting it out. Just heard that my son's got a job.It's absolutely fantastic news and something he's been working towards for ever, and now he's finally done it. I'm split between feeling made up for him and wanting to cry. It probably sounds crazy but there's an absolute overwhelming feeling of panic. As I'm typing I'm crying. I just feel sick with worry for him. How will it be? Will he cope? Will they be kind? What if, what if, what if. Logic tells me they know about the Asperger's. He hasn't lied. They've interviewed him and done an on job assessment. So they know, and they've given him the job. So I'm really proud that he's done it. But I just feel such a level of anxiety for him. It's a rising panic that I can feel in my chest. It's probably years of worry and stress that's coming out. I don't think I ever really understand just how much ongoing worry I have about him. I know it at some level but then something will happen and it all comes flooding out. How much stress I'm holding over him. The years of anxiety and concerns about the future. And here we are. He'll be working. On his own.... and I can't protect him and people are cruel and again, what if, what if. And I should be ecstatic that he's got it but part of me wishes that he hadn't, so I wouldn't have to worry and he wouldn't have to face the possibility of it not working out. Deep breath. I can't protect him for ever. He got the job on his own, on his own merit. Maybe he doesn't need protecting as much as I think he does. Big girl pants on. Time for him to fly. I'm dreading it. Sheet.

LifeBegins wrote:

Day 1

So, I decided yesterday that enough was enough. I just can't go on living like this and spending all my time and money gambling. The emotional toll is too high. My mind has been completely fixated with gambling. If I'm not online doing it, then I'm thinking about how much I've lost, or waiting for money to come in to gamble again, or planning how I'm going to get some money to do it again. I spent the day on edge, constantly checking my bank account as I'd made a (rare) withdrawal from a casino and I knew it was due in. The second I saw it in my account, I went online and lost the lot. I'd already paid cash into my account earlier in the day and lost that. The saddest part? I wasn't even suprised. Somewhere, deep down, I already knew how it would play out. It didn't really matter if I won or lost as I always keep going until there's nothing left. Crazy or what? Then the slow realisation dawned...it's not really about the money any more. I'm not playing to win. I don't even kid myself that I could win back all that I've lost over the years as I don't even play for pots that are big enough to cover it.So why do it? Because I'm addicted to it and I find it really hard not to feed the urge. The thought of the free spins and the buzz that I get is enough to keep me repeating the same mistakes, over and over again. As they say, the definition of madness 🙂

But not today. Instead of wasting my morning on the online slots, I'm here starting my recovery. I had a terrible nights sleep with lots of weird dreams ( there was a ominous man watching me from a distance who "knew" I was going to fail...I think that must be the casinos) and I kept waking up with my mind whirring. Over and over thoughts about giving up, the past, all the losses, some of the wins, the lies and deceit and the road that lies ahead. I'm afraid and excited at the same time. What I really want is a quiet mind and a clean conscious.

So, as the saying goes " if you want things to be different, perhaps the answer is to be different yourself".

I can relate to so much in your post, for so long nearly every part of my life has had a blackcloud hanging over it. Well best of luck and here is to a GF future, one day at a time. Take care

Hi LB

Being a mom comes with a predisposition to worry. Add to that a child who has had to work harder than the average to "fit in" such as your son and you need to multiply it by 10!

I can't tell you that everything will go tickety boo but I do know both you and he will be all right. Remind yourself how far your son has come. He sounds intelligent, motivated and confident... as you said maybe he doesn't need the protecting.

Moms will always worry the "what ifs". Unfortunately we never seem to think "what if everything turns out great".

Have a great weekend LB and know that you are turning a fine young man into the world!

Cathyx

Oh LB, I can't share your fear...I'm so proud (punches the air) of him 🙂

Hai LB...

I'm gonna echo word for word what Amom has just said. Your lad is a product of a smart strong mum which also equates to a smart young fella.

' Life begins at the end of one's comfort zone ' Also equates to a proud mum and son...

Now, feed the birds

Thanks good people of gamcare. Feeling slightly easier today, although we've just been going over all the forms he needs to return and now he's getting a bit stressed too. We'll see. At the end of the day he can only do his best. It's just hard. All parents are protective of their kids.I don't think I'm over protective, it's just that 20 odd years of fighting his corner isn't easy to let go of. I read something the other day by the mother of a special needs child. She felt it was tabboo to say, but she talked of how she hoped he'd die before her. And I absolutely get it. I feel the same. The thought of dying before him and him being left to fend for himself is a constant worry. I've thought of suicide pacts if I get a terminal illness. I can remember not long after his diagnosis how I considered killing the both of us, so that we wouldn't have to live through it all. Can't believe I've admitted that. It feels such an awful thing to say but that was the reality of the pain that I was in. It's not like that now but this job has stirred up a lot of the old fears. Work in progress and all that. Jesus, this is meant to be a gambling site and this doesn't seem connected at all but this is just the sort of thing I mean when I say "it's not about the gambling". It's all about the other "stuff". My lovely young man getting a job has nothing at all to do with slots and yet the feelings... the overwhelming urge to just run away from reality,to cut off from everything...it's there and I can feel it and it's important that I acknowledge it. When he was younger I just so wanted to run away and live on an island where no-one could hurt us (him). When my sister died I often wanted to get in my car and drive and drive and not come back and it's only as I'm here typing this that I'm realising that the feelings are the same. There was no island to escape to and I couldn't just drive forever. But there was the cut off from reality that three lucky symbols provided. I'm not going to gamble, but it's there. The thought that it'll give me some peace. Take my mind off things for a while.It's no coincidence that I'm unloading on here.Just go to hold on...this too will pass.