Every Day Is A Second Chance

And I am proud of him! And I will get back to everyone!

Sharon41 wrote: Hey Life begins, we are all here for the same reason and I'm with you a 100% We just need to break the habits and routines that tempt us and fall pray to the trap. Best wishes and we can do this!!

[quote=LifeBegins]

Day 1

So, I decided yesterday that enough was enough. I just can't go on living like this and spending all my time and money gambling. The emotional toll is too high. My mind has been completely fixated with gambling. If I'm not online doing it, then I'm thinking about how much I've lost, or waiting for money to come in to gamble again, or planning how I'm going to get some money to do it again. I spent the day on edge, constantly checking my bank account as I'd made a (rare) withdrawal from a casino and I knew it was due in. The second I saw it in my account, I went online and lost the lot. I'd already paid cash into my account earlier in the day and lost that. The saddest part? I wasn't even suprised. Somewhere, deep down, I already knew how it would play out. It didn't really matter if I won or lost as I always keep going until there's nothing left. Crazy or what? Then the slow realisation dawned...it's not really about the money any more. I'm not playing to win. I don't even kid myself that I could win back all that I've lost over the years as I don't even play for pots that are big enough to cover it.So why do it? Because I'm addicted to it and I find it really hard not to feed the urge. The thought of the free spins and the buzz that I get is enough to keep me repeating the same mistakes, over and over again. As they say, the definition of madness 🙂

But not today. Instead of wasting my morning on the online slots, I'm here starting my recovery. I had a terrible nights sleep with lots of weird dreams ( there was a ominous man watching me from a distance who "knew" I was going to fail...I think that must be the casinos) and I kept waking up with my mind whirring. Over and over thoughts about giving up, the past, all the losses, some of the wins, the lies and deceit and the road that lies ahead. I'm afraid and excited at the same time. What I really want is a quiet mind and a clean conscious.

So, as the saying goes " if you want things to be different, perhaps the answer is to be different yourself".

I can relate to so much in your post, for so long nearly every part of my life has had a blackcloud hanging over it. Well best of luck and here is to a GF future, one day at a time. Take care

Oh LB, I could have written the last 5 lines of your post. Been to GA tonight...my gambling is all about escape, felt maybe I shouldn't be there, I don't have a gambling problem just an inability to deal with my feelings in a healthy way. Hang in there x

It's been a tough few weeks stress wise.My son's job has had him in tears and I've felt like Judas dropping him off to go and do something that is maxing out his anxiety. Consequently I've been feeling on edge. So it wasn't a great suprise to me that the old urges resurfaced. Until a few weeks ago, I really hadn't thought about gambling much at all. I certainly wasn't missing it and was more than happy that it no longer felt part of my life. But that desire for the escape that the slots would provide...that bit of quiet in my mind...well it was there. And it was relatively strong. That instead of pacing and filling the time wondering how he was and would I get a phone call to pick him up early I could just sit and watch the reels spin. Those hours would have passed so much quicker. And I didn't want to feel those feelings...the reminder that, actually, not everything was ok. That I'm not sorted in the way I thought I was. That sometimes no amount of "work" and understanding of my thoughts, feelings and where they come from can stop me feeling them. And so I just felt them. I didn't really want to gamble....I just wanted to avoid the feelings I was having. But that's where recovery (for me) really is. And so I felt them. Every single gut wrenching, sick making one of them. In the middle was the terrorist attack in London which sparked off another set of old fears. And so I felt those too. I've cried, paced, distracted, reasoned and much much more. But I've got through it. I've felt drained but I haven't gambled or eaten or vinoed away the feelings. So for that I'm pleased. And maybe a little bit proud of myself.

It seems unlikely that he wants to keep this job. In all honesty, it's not a great fit for him and they're really not able to make any allowances for his Asperger's. But if he stops he'll have given it a good go, and he really will have done his best which is all I ever want of my kids.

Calmness feels like it's returned and for that I'm grateful. But in some kind of unexpected way I'm also kinda grateful for the last few weeks.I might not be sure what it is yet, but there's a learning in there for me somewhere.

Learning it is ok to feel? That those feelings will not destroy us? That reaching out to the ping ping ping of the slots deadened the feeling and took away any self esteem we had? Good on you for sitting it out.

Agree with Helen well done for taking a risk and putting good practice, into practice when the going got tough.

Maybe the learning is confidence. We get confidence, in any aspect of our life, through adversity.

Louis xx

Hi LB, thank you so much for popping by my diary 🙂

I know exactly what you mean about just 'feeling'....It's what's getting me through bad days and although those days are getting further apart they still hit me slap bang wallop! But now I don't switch off and bury my head in some online slot, I sit... take deep breaths and ask myself.....Why? Why do I need to 'play' a virtual machine....Will it help? No...Of course it won't so why do it...Will I feel better, will it solve the issue that has made me 'think' I need it....I ask myself all those questions that I always asked after a gambling frenzy... and slowly but surely calm returns, sense returns....I return.

200 days tomorrow! I salute you!

Thanks again LB....Have a fantastic weekend!

Mari x

Thanks for your post LB :). I am sorry things have been tough the last few weeks. As moms we know we have to let our kids go yet at the same time it doesn't stop us from feeling the pain. I think how you handled the last few weeks was amazing. Not fun or easy but necessary for your recovery. I am glad you made it out the other side:)

Cathyx

Hai LB, I'm always chuffed when I see your name pop up on my diary. Thanks.

You've managed to get back on to dry land admirably. The rip tide can be a right bi.tch without the know how of getting out of it. And you LB, has the know how. Your a good person.

All's ok with me. I've been pretty much based in a sleepy Surrey green village for past 8 months and have enjoyed my little rambles into woods and fields and being eye balled by Wildlife as I walk to work.. I'm still somewhat prone to the odd dip in the toxic madness, but hai Ho, im ok and progress none the less.

Paul

Hi LB

Thanks a lot for your generous post. It was very validating reading it, particularly at a time when I was having a gamcare-existential crisis (I appreciate that's why you chimed in when you did).

The 'feeling' emotions bit of ACT is indeed an incredibly useful. I don't know if you're just using this aspect of ACT or have got into the other things - but I found this part the most instantly useful and powerful. It's just a case of remembering to use it. Often I'll get so caught up in some state that I'll lose perspective.

Anyway really glad you've had benefit. I remember you saying you'd bought your daughter an ACT for children book and saying she kind of groaned when you showed her it. I know that self-help saturation can be a problem and I'd spent a bit of time spending time and money reading stuff like CBT and more 'out there' stuff. So it's a huge relief to have something that is standing the test of time and which, as you say, instinctively makes a lot of sense. I can dip in and out, go in more deep if I feel like it, all the while learning really useful stuff for life.

Hope things are going well with you. Glad to read you're not wasting time gambling. Hope your son's alright in spite of the difficulties with his job. It sounds like he'll need a certain kind of job and environment for things to click into place but I'm sure there's something out there. And I guess the only way is to try - although I completely can see how it's so difficult as a parent.

Louis

Hello Luverly bird :))

Hope by the abscense of post's all's good in LB's world , although based on you last post to me it sound's really good and I'm so pleased your in a such a good place and that's something you truly deserve :)) .

I'm just having a shoofty around and wanted to thank you for your last post to me as it was really kind :)) , had the op and you were right about hearing the Saw's and Hammers and Chisels , I did at one pint think Nick Knowls and the team were filming an episode of Diy SoS ? So thank's for that :(( but at least the drugs were mind bendingly good , so it wasn't all a bad experience :)) .

As I said just a quicky to say high and love to you and your's :)) xx

Hope the racehorses are well :)) x

Hello LB, you crossed my mind earlier today and i went looking for your diary to say 'hello' via a short cut ( username ) and then i got side tracked and looked at your last posts to others..........

Then i saw you appear on another part of the forum, trying to help to clarify something thats whats on my mind... Thanks!

Then i went digging the long way to find your diary and got to page 11 or so, so started again, but this time with a smile on my mug as my digging reminded me off one of my favourite Tommy Cooper jokes. So, i thought i would share.....

' I was walking through the gobi desert and i came across a chap with his head sticking out of the sand ! ', '' Hai ho '', i asked him '' whats happened here ? '' to which he replied '' A sand storm engulfed me and buried me in sand ! '' - '' oh, ok '' i replied ' 'i'll just go and fetch a shovel !'', to which he replied '' well it best be a f*****g big one,as im sat on a horse ''...........boom boom...

Anyway the moral of my visit is, i'm trusting your feeding the birds and the ponies and that yourself and family are well....

Hello Luverly bird :))

Thanks for popping by :)) , I saw your thread pop up the other day and was going to pester you again but kinda got hooked up on another couple of chats ( too many gamblers not enough time ) you know that sort of thing .

I have to agree it was a bit deep and I'm still in shock where that question came from , especially on a saturday morning ? , I'd just spoken to someone else who'd succumbed after a week and started to think what keeps us in that state even though weve just come here admitting how badly we hurt ? ( Or maybe your right and they left something in during the op and it could be the start of " Deep Alan " and that's not my P**n name ) , however I'm thinking more along the lines of the fact I have to sleep on my back for six weeks , so it's probably about oxygen starvation to the frontal lobes ? LoL .

But I guess weve all been through that dilema , to gamble again or not , I'd tried countless times before I seemed to get it as the " Force " was always too strong to break free of :(( .

Nice to hear your still doing well and life's treating you good apart from the prospect of 10 teenage girls that is , My partners daughter had a similar bash a couple of years ago but in the evening , we were upstairs despite her protests to be alone with her mates but copius amounts of alcohol were smuggled in and quite a lot of vomit was smuggled out of their young frames , however she saw the error her way's and I was also called upon to act as bouncer to a few unsavoury lads that had turned up univited , I put my toughest looking face on , which at best isn't great and gave em both barrels in the style of the grilling " Young Reggie" gets when he comes a calling on Will smith's Niece in " Bad boy's 2 " Google it but turn it down if your easily offended or your daughters about :)). xx

Hai LB, it's been a while. I tend to think that your doing well.

I never really dug to find your diary as got quite a dab hand at digging and just looked for your last post. I'm trusting all is good with you and household, inclusive of ponies. Knew I was never gonna convince you about feeding the birds but was something I was preparing to forgive for all your superb input into this forum.

Take care and enjoy this superb summer