Hello all,
2nd day of gambling free today, feeling a mixture of feelings, numb mainly but determined to get through this a day at a time. This morning I looked at my two year old son when he was sleeping and I thought how lucky am I to have this beautiful boy in my life. He brings so much joy to my life and I asked myself why would you go and gamble when you have the gift of life in front of you! The addict mind of mine just took over me and All those nights and days wasted when I choose gambling over time with my son is haunting me and I feel guilty and ashamed. Well the buck stops here and it's time for me to face up to my s**t and start dealing with life without escaping or running away. Throughout my life I never took responsibility for the damaged I caused by gambling. I would continually make excuses at every turn and justified my actions, quite simply I was hooked. In return I gained an immature attitude and I became really angry and depressed. I am an addict and I hide behind the slots justifying my behavior and how I treat people or blame people for what has happened to me in the past. Yes I had a horrific past,I was let down badly by people I loved and trusted and I grew up with a lot of sadness, resentment and self hate. I tried GA and counselling and yet I still continued to gamble. I didn't want to stop if I am completely honest as it ule mean i need to face up to life and cope with it without my crutch. I am tired of the lying to myself, my son and husband. I have sickened myself with how I have treated my better half through my mood swings, anger and irritability and yet he still sticks by me and tells me he loves me. I love my husband and my son so much that I want to do everything in my power not to let them down again I know i am human and I will make mistakes but I want to live our lives gambling free. I know I can only do this one day at a time and hopefully my posting my recovery diary it will help me reflect and share and listen to other people who are going through the same journey as me.
Tommorow is a new day.
Hello littlehobbit
Welcome to the forum and congratulations on day 2 of not gambling you say you have a mixture of feelings and you are feeling mainly numb it may help to talk things through with a Gamcare adviser on the helpline 0808 8020 133 or through the net line advisers will listen to your concerns and can offer information, advice and emotional support.
http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline
The helpline is open 8am -midnight
Keep posting we are here to support you
Forum admin
Hi littlehobbit . I want to welcome you back to the diaries and wish you success in getting your life back .
So sad the pain and anguish that gambling has brought upon you . Take care .... stephen
Thanks guys for all your comments!!
Still gambling free this is my firth day and feeling a lot better in sense of no guilt and not feeling angry at myself, I get some thoughts but nothing big as I'm so determined to stop, I'm totally fed up of gambling ruling my life. There has been a few things happened recently which normally would make me run and gamble like work issues etc but in facing up to my problems and dealing with them. I have slept a lot this week and I feel totally drained since I've stopped wonder if it's the come down with constant gambling for so long that my brain is shattered now. Thinking of taking up the gym as I am a complusive eater as well if I don't gamble I eat compulsively it's all in the same boat. My boy will make his next birthday soon and I want to be gambling free and that I can do this for our family. Do you know I gambled so much of my wages that I stopped buying things for my house years ago and now I am finally buying things such as photo frames and I felt really proud that I could do this instead of blowing it all on the bookies, I added a beautiful picture of my son in the frame and this has kept me going that I am doing the best thing I can for my family. I want to be in control not gambling in control of me. my husband has my cards so I just get small amounts of cash which is better and more manageable for me. My biggest worry is when payday comes I lose sense of what's happened and my mind begins to trick me again it's so cunning and powerful it actually scares me but hopefully I will continue to make myself aware of all the reasons why I am gambling free thanks for all sharing
Day 6
Feeling quite good today and proud that I am still gambling free, there has been a few occasions where gambling has popped into my head and basically I told my gambling voice to f**k off as I want my life back!!! Every time this happens I will use this saying because I will not be defeated I am stronger than this twisted manipulative voice and one of those days it will quieten down. For some reason this time I feel hope could be because i am sharing or reading people's stories or just finally had enough. I know that I'll never ever be able to control my gambling it's an insane idea to think that now and I am glad I have woken up and see the truth for what it is. I take each day as it comes and I set goals on what I am going to do on payday instead of gambling ie buy my son his birthdays present, go for a nice meal with my husband. Not spent it on those twisted machines and the money goes to the company. Their the ones that are laughing not us because they know that we will always come back to them no matter how much we win!!!
As I am typing I am now on day 7. A week gambling free fills me with new hope !
Welcome back hobbit...and well done on the 7 days...keep focusing on that photo frame love...like you said ...us slot addicts neglected everything ...and everybody. ...including ourselfs. ...you can change that...I'm glad to see you've handed over cards...and that hubby still supporting you...a simple thing worked well for me...I blocked all gambling sites via parental controls on my broadband...maybe that would help you....anyway...take it a day at a time....get spring cleaning...painting. ...anything to keep you busy....that little one needs a gamble free mummy xx
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