Fallen Mans Recovery Diary

Alright lad, good weekend I hope?

Month free tomorrow for me !

Talking about emails in the last few posts I've noticed a lot less of them lately, but i have setup filters and several blocks!

Def does work.

Hi FallenMan,

I hope you've been able to enjoy another gamble-free weekend. Thanks for stopping by my diary again. I've taken on board what you said about alcohol. I like the way you said that stopping drinking shows just how committed you are to stopping gambling. I will adopt the same approach and stay off the booze for a while.

Paul

You okay lad?

Guess ur busy with work

Hope everything ok mate? Noticed u havent been on in quite a while, just checking up on you. Signing in here defineatley helps , anyway hope all is good?

Journal Day 48

Hi Guys and Girls,

Just very briefly checking in to show my face !. I am still abstaining, and have no urges to gamble at all. I went out on Friday night just gone, and it turned into quite a session - one of the guys there is a fairly high rolling gambler, I ended up talking to him about my experiences and telling him I had knocked it on the head. He is the only person outside of here that I have ever confessed to, and it was an interesting conversation - I didnt feel expunged or like it was a cathartic process talking to someone about it honestly. I just felt ashamed really - this guy clearly has it under control and I wasnt strong enough to do the same. He did seem to understand though, and he nodded sagely when I explained that all i was doing was fuelling the next session if I won or chasing if i lost... constantly. I closed that conversation saying that I hope he never tips over the edge into the spiral of chasing and chasing that I seemed to get into.

I think in some ways it does me no good to talk to people outside of here about gambling, it wasnt a bad conversation - but it just reminded me of the shame and guilt i feel when I think about gambling, and the fact that all i really want is to keep putting distance between me and it, and not to have to think about it anymore.

Anyway. I am absolutely flat out (still working at 2am last night after a 2 hour flight) at work and ill try to keep checking in when i get a mo.

@Gav Hi fella - thanks again for keeping an eye on me, Im cool. I will try and keep logging in. Hope you are doing well too - I read your entry about checking your bank statements and seeing the transactions... its horrible isnt it ! - like lifting the lid off a big box and finding its full of snakes, then trying to jam the thing shut again before they rear up and bite you on the a**e. ! Glad to see you are still racking up the days though fella keep it up.

Best Regards,

FM

Good good good.

Was just checking up on you 🙂

I think its good to share your emotions and past experiences with other people mate, as bt says its good to talk.

Like you I cant confide with my wife, being on here is great , but sometimes you need to physically speak to someone and vent your frustrations etc.

Glad all is good.

Keep it up

Journal Day 55

The weeks are flying by at the moment, largely due to work just being incredibly busy. I have been working till the small hours of the morning every night for the last week. I am shattered.

I took a break on Saturday night and went to a 40th birthday party. It was a good bash, at a country pub. Interestingly though (and I had no idea this was the case prior to attending) they had various entertainers laid on, and a casino out the back of the bar. You know the type of thing - they hand out free slips of "pretend money" to the guests, and everyone tries their luck at Blackjack, Roulette, Poker etc - at the end of the night the most successful player wins a bottle of champagne.

I had decided to drive as I was going to have to push on at work the next day, and frankly waking up feeling like someone had repeatedly slammed my head in a car door, was not going to be conducive to working. My missus was dressed up to the 9's and was letting her hair down. I was slightly aghast at the notion of this free casino, I dithered for a couple of moments and then swiftly gave the pseudo cash slips to one of the other guests telling them I couldnt be arsed with it and he should use my slips to increase his chances.

Several glasses of wine down, my missus was enjoying the night and decided to try her hand at blackjack, which she did very well at. She asked me repeatedly if I would play as well, and I just said "No, its not for me". She persisted asking why not as she knew I used to play FBOTs and was fine with this - she knew I "liked a gamble" and often saw the proceeds of this

(digressing slightly - when I played the FBOTs before if I won, I used to go home and simply give the 500, or 1000, or 1400 quid or whatever I had won straight to my wife, and tell her to put it towards the next things we needed to buy for the house, or into the "saving for a holiday" fund or whatever. I suspect I did this out of guilt at the amount of time I was spending on the FBOTs and at the fact that I conversely didnt ever tell her when I lost, or the extent to which i lost - to be fair though, back then I was up more than i was down and was not losing large sums of money so I think she saw me as a "quite successful gambler")... anyway, back to the story.

given the above my wife didnt really understand why someone that likes a punt was reeling backwards at the thought of a "free" casino. She started to lose at one point, and needed some more money slips. She was quite taken aback when she heard I had already given mine away.

It was interesting to see various people (my wife included) enjoying the casino with a twinkle in their eye, smiling faces and excited chatter thrummed above the general hubub of the party - the notion of "winning big" was there even though no real money was changing hands. The juxtaposition between that scene and the "zombie men" at the FBOTs I used to visit was plain to see. I wondered how many of these people would succumb if the money was real, if our world was allowed to spill over into theirs ?. It was nice and sad in equal measure to see people enjoying gambling as just a bit of fun.

I was however relieved when the 11pm cut off was called and the tables were packed away. Not really because the temptation had been removed, more that I no longer had to keep fending off the "but why wont you just have one go ?" comments. When we arrived home (my parents were baby sitting) at the end of the night one more comment stung me a bit "... and I was winning but Mr. Fruit Machines here wouldnt even play at all, who would have thought it". I looked at my Dad as my wife animatedly discussed the night, and I just said "its not something I do anymore, I used to like a dabble and i won a bit in days gone by but I just got bored of the up and down nature of it so I just stopped playing alltogether". I did wonder whether then and there in that instant whether he realized that the loan he gave me when i needed it most was in fact buying me out of not just the business debt I told him about through gritting teeth and wracking sobs, but also a debt of stupidity, entirely of my own making. My Dad is not a stupid man.

He just smiled and looked at me and said "there is no such thing in life as free money". I think if I know my father, he has chosen not to know.

So it was a good night in that I was tested, and I chose not to gamble, even with pretend money. However it was a difficult night as I was forced to face my guilty secrets again, to contemplate the things I buried in a box at the very back of my mind and now actively avoid going near whenever possible. I didnt like being asked awkward questions.

I wish I had never started gambling, for something as mundane as a game of chance, a wager, some stupid spinning reels... the weight of it feels like a ton of bricks at times.

55 days gamble free. No urges, closing on two months now.

FM.

55 days is excellent!

Sounds like you've come through a testing wk end, and i admire your resolve in not gambling even though it was just pretend money.

Its even harder with your wife familly etc etc not knowing of whats going on behind the scenes. YOur wife realises you've gambled FOBTs in the past just like mine does. I cant let her know now the sh8t i've got myself into emotionally physically financially as i really do think that would be the last straw, especially with the ultimatums she's given me in the past.

I salute people who come clean with everyone. My counsellor has told me its easier when more people know. Coming on heres great but theres nothing like talking face to face to someone.

Anyway things are clearly going well and your 55 days demonstrates this. Well done!

I used to get frustrated at times in the past, thinking how come other folk can gamble responsibly and I cant? This would build up and build up to the point I'd just say f*** it and go off on a gambling bender, I'll show them bast**** ! etc etc.

We are not responsible gambers however, there is and cannot be a social gamble. We need to accept this and learn to live without gambling. Acceptance is hard.

What a life eh? 🙂

In work so writing this inbetween doing things , but hope it kinda makes sense.

6 weeks for me tomorrow.

I remember borrowing money of my Dad last year, he knew something was up, but I just couldnt bring myself to tell him, maybe i should have i just dont know. Sometimes I worry if he's worrying about me , but if I told him the truth he might worry even more.

Guilt and Worry, useless emotions!

Hi FallenMan,

Reading your posts has really gave me a kick up the back side. I'm only 20 but I have more debts than a uni student and I've never been uni all due to gambling and its somewhere I should have never got myself!

But reading all this has made me really realise that its not worth all the trouble and debt that it comes with just to try and earn that extra 200/300 that I go for!

Nice to see you gone 55 days free!

Gav123,

I feel exactly the same, twice my dad has bailed me out using loans and credit cards to sort my problems out but I've never told him why I was in such bad way.. and then I'm still in that situation now.

Feel so guilty and ashamed

Hi FallenMan,

Well done on your run of gamble-free days. Your last post was very insightful and honest, thanks for sharing. I get the same type of remarks your wife made from my friends and girlfriend. They know I've gambled heavily in the past but have not got a clue just how bad things have got and how much it's damaged my life. So they'll make jovial remarks about my gambling without knowing the terrible secret I have been keeping from them.

I would like to come clean to my girlfriend but I think it would make things worse. Everyone's situation is different however, but I know I'm making the right call by keeping quiet and fighting on.

Paul

Journal Day 63

Hi all,

Firstly - Many thanks for your replies it is as always heartening to know that other people are sharing these same thoughts and experiences with me. I Hope you have all stayed gamble free in the time since my last post.

Secondly - Ive gone and missed my two month anniversary !. Two months, thats strange. On one hand it feels like a world ago that I was totally absorbed in gambling, and all the subterfuge and pain that goes along with it. On the other hand, when you look at the debts or the day count, "two months" sounds like the blink of an eye. I suspect this is why I prefer to count days rather than months - it would be easy for me to discount my achievements so far by saying "well its just two months", "two pay days" etc. However to look at it and think - "actually thats 63 times I have woken up and not had a cheeky few spins before breakfast, 63 times I havent spent most of my working day secretly having another little go on my laptop or phone, 63 times I have not hurridly Alt + Tabbed my screen away when prying eyes made me recoil in shame, 63 times I havent had to scramble to scrape together cash using anything I could get my hands on and screw the consequences, to cover the losses from another session, its 63 times I have not had to feel any new guilt or shame ..... " I need to keep this uppermost in my mind.

I am still frantically busy at work, and have also managed to get manflu over the last few days so I am pretty knackered currently. I did manage to catch up with my uni friends recently though which was really good. I hadnt seen my old mates in nearly a year, and a very heavy weekend ensued - booze, go karting, booze, curry, booze, steak and chips (sadly I didnt beat Gavs effort, as mine was only a 20 oz rump but it was rare and good) and more booze. During this epic catch up I did come clean and tell my mates about the gambling, and about joining up here - they were very supportive and seemed more pleased/enthused that I had now given up than they were concerned with the damage that I caused during my gambling days - this was quite a positive message to recieve. Usually we would have played the fruit machines at some point over the weekend but no one suggested it following our chat. Strangely I dont think I would have minded if the other lads had played the fruitie, I suspect I would have either watched or just stayed with whoever wasnt stood at the machine.

Aside from the hecticness of work, I am now also trying to get my financial affairs in order. I have had to change accountant as the one I was with before managed to make a mess of my accounts and as a result I have made both over payments and underpayments to HMRC. I have gotten into something of a state due to this and other genuine accounting errors / my complete ineptitude with figures. Of course I exacerbated this situation by spending every last penny I had in my personal accounts meaning that I had nothing set aside - my new accountant is going to come back to me with an accurate picture of where I am financially soon, and I am 99% sure this will mean even more debt. All I can do is keep clawing it back and keep trying to head onto the straight and narrow.

I still have no compulsion to gamble and when I do think back to what I *was* it repulses me. I still also feel a heavy burden financially and emotionally, I suspect this is just part and parcel of being a CG in recovery though and probably will be for some time to come yet. I shall keep on keeping on.

I wish everyone well, stay strong and stay gamble free.

FM

Hi FM, Glad all going well.

The old alt and tab lol i've been there countless times, and the laptop always set to mute!

Excellent news re telling your mates, its a bit of added support. I always found it a weight off my shoulders after telling someone.

Sound like a heck of weekend, the 28oz I had was unreal, and I still managed to squeeze in a starter and dessert!

63 days is excellent. Keep it going !

Hi FM,

Thanks for your message on my diary. Good to hear you've got over two months under your belt now, you're doing great.

Paul

Hope all good with you sir?