Fallen Mans Recovery Diary

Journal Day 69

Hi All,

@Gav - yup fella I am good. Still tired as always ! but all good with the recovery. I do find myself thinking about gambling now and again (not in the sense of actually having a gamble but just in the sense of reading through old memories, thinking about the games i would regularly play, and the big win videos I used to watch) although with no agenda to actually do anything myself. I try to nip these thoughts in the bud in case they ever lead to "well i could just.." type scenarios, so I do feel as if I am having to be 'vigilant against complacency' even when I have no urges. Strange thing this recovery isnt it ?.

I took the missus to see "Gone Girl" at the weekend on your recommendation 😉 it hasnt changed my thoughts on Ben Affleck, but I did think it was a very good film nonetheless, enjoyed it.

Hope everyone is doing well this week and continuing to abstain !.

Best Regards,

FM.

Hi FM,

Thanks for your continued support. I don't find your posts to me preachy at all - I really value that you've taken the time to offer me such good advice. I wish I could repay you by offering some words of wisdom of my own but you seem to be doing just great as it is at the moment!

Keep at it and don't become complacent.

Paul

So I dont owe you a refund! Ha ! Yeah I enjoyed it, sometimes its nice going into a film having no idea what its about, I just went on a reccomendation of a friend. Seen Fury yesterday and I was actually a bit disappointed! Love War films but it just didnt cut it for me, was ok, but just ok.

Turning into a film buff these days.

Anyway glad all is good, we are both tallying the days up, I'd love to get through a full year but Im just taking days a day at a time. And today I will not gamble.

Journal Day 71

Hi All,

Odd couple of things happened today. Work is still beyond stupid - I was still in the office coding last night at 23:45 (nearly had a fit when the alarm armed and there was no one else here to tell me how to reset the damned thing) so I stumbled back to my apartment and hit the sack, couldnt sleep though until about 2am. I awoke in the early hours of the morning having had a very vivid gambling dream. I had dreamed that I received an introductory bonus offer and succumbed, and played the money - then I won 75K off this over the course of an evening (yeah right !!). I was just having mixed feelings about thinking "ill have to go to gamcare and update my blog saying Ive relapsed now" but also happily thinking "ill go and buy that new family car we need and then pay off all debts" (in the dream I withdrew the winnings, but I remember it was almost impossible doing so, the web site kept redirecting me to pages that werent related to withdrawals). Then suddenly i woke up, ultimately 75K would have been bloody nice but i am happy I havent actually gambled.

Fast forwards a few hours and Im at work, and I log into my webmail. Somehow an introductory bonus has gotten through all of my filters. Its sat there in my inbox staring proudly at me like a child who found an open can of paint in the middle of the lounge. The "bonus offer" wasnt like anything Ive received before - it looks to be from a partner of one of the casinos I used to play at, but rather than a 200% match type thing this says "£1250 bonus absolutely free, no need to deposit anything, outright offer". I am wondering now whether one of the places I have self excluded from has a rolling time limit that they will wait before making a ridiculously good looking offer as a "last ditch" to try and get someone who regularly bet in the high limit category back onto their books ?. Either that or it was completely random and just coincidence ?. Either way I looked at it for several minutes, remembering my dream last night and thinking ..... "i wonder" with my finger hovering over the "more details" link.... for some time before I changed my mind and hit delete.

I suppose you could call the above an "urge" I guess its the closest I have come for a while, but that is dealt with now.

@Gav agreed - the missus had read the book so she knew more or less what was going on but I had no idea. I went through a spate of watching older films recently (i watch a lot of films on the plane every week) - "Leaving Las Vegas" was excellent and believe it or not I had never seen it before. "American Beauty" Ive watched several times but I watched that again recently, I love that film even though it depresses me at the same time- its basically a parody of my life (but without a compulsive gambling problem !), I watched "Weekend at Bernies" again, I think the scene where Bernie "water skis" makes the entire film worth watching.. the noise as he bounces of the bouys is brilliant. Oh and "Withnail and I" I had never watched that before either and I quite enjoyed it.

I saw on your diary you were mentioning thinking about hitting the 100 days and then the year mark.... I keep thinking that too. I really really hope that I can just continue in the mindset I have now ad infinitum, and that I dont have to come back and start again in say 18 months time, that would really depress me.

@Paul Cheers mate, and Im glad to see you are back on it. If I ever do come across as giving unqualified advice or suchlike - please feel free to tell me to wind my neck in - I just saw some similarities with some of the situations I have had prior to recovery and I understand how easy it must be to slip in the early weeks. You sound like you have entirely the right mindset though so good luck mate.

Best Regards all, Stay focussed and enjoy your weekends if I dont return before then.

FM.

Journal Day 75

Hi All,

Just checking in. Awful weekend this weekend for various reasons I wont bore you all with, I will be very pleased to jump on the plane tonight and vanish for a few days. On a positive note despite feeling down and being pushed to my limits I did not at any point feel the need to gamble, it didnt even enter my head as an option. I am pleased with this as previously in similar circumstances I would have reached for my phone or hidden myself away somewhere and gone online to play the casinos until my bank account was empty or sleep took me.

I am looking forwards to my "counter" hitting triple digits, I think Ill feel as if I can legitimately say I have achieved something when I get to 100 days if I can still report "no urges to gamble". As always I will guard against complacency at the same time, but for the moment I feel like in terms of gambling, things are in balance.

I hope everyone had good, gamble free weekends and you are all up for the challenge of another weeks abstinence.

Best Regards,

FM

The gambling dreams, yept have had them too. Especially the big winning streaks ones. Well done on deleting the email. Its just trying to get into our heads, that we cannot win as we cannot stop., just like AA says its the first drink that gets you drunk. Stay away from that first gamble !

Sounds likes you had a busy wk end, and you got through it without gambling which again is excellent, I often found stressful times as a trigger or excuse to go into zombieland and gamble!

Keep strong,

Gav

Hey FM,

This is my 1st post...Couple of days ahead of you (my poison was the slots too) not sure I could have turned down the opportunity of 'free' play esp with the Dream attached! Way to go...You are living proof that we CAN do this!

Keep it up - Gamble free ODAAT

Hi FM,

The fact that you had a bad couple of days and still weren't tempted to gamble shows how much progress you've made. Take strength from this and keep notching those gamble-free days up.

Paul

Hi and thanks again for the support. I didn't want to reply until I'd had the chance to read your story from the beginning...the similarities are scary.

I too have a lot of free time on my hands, not because of my job but because of my partner's. He works shifts and our time off rarely coincides. Even when it does our sleep patterns never do, he's up I'm not, I'm up he's not. It all started as a bit of fun to pass the time and look where I've ended up!

I too am determined not to destroy my home life because of it, I had my chance months ago when I was caught out but I didn't take it, like the wimp I am. I think the support would have been there then, but now too much time has passed and obviously now it's not a case of my not mentioning there's a problem or even refusing to see there's a problem, I've known all along there is one (I out and out lied, cried and manipulated my way out of the fallout when I was caught) and I've actively continued to hide it. I'm fairly sure I couldn't forgive that kind of betrayal, and I don't believe my other half would either. I'm not prepared to risk finding out. I know how selfish that sounds, but until this is well and truly behind me, my mind is made up.

Parents, again as you say, I couldn't bear for them to see what's happened to me. I want them to know or at least think they did good. And they did in all other aspects of my life. I can imagine how hard that call was to yours from another country, I've made calls of desperation myself (although not for money) and my dad always makes me break down and feel like I'm 8 again. He's the most amazing man, he's worked hard all his life to give us what he didn't have. Maybe that's why I couldn't break this to him, tell him that even after everything he's done for me - for which I'm truly grateful, I've gambled more in the past year than he's earned in it. Now there's a thought that's really brought home the scale of what I've done.

I also get where you're coming from when you say after reading other diaries it makes you realise things could be so much worse. However, I'm determined not to undervalue the seriousness of the problem I do have because I think by doing so leaves the door open to temptation. I won't lie because like you, this is the only place I can be truly honest, I have thought 'maybe I'm not as bad as I think because I haven't racked up the same debts as X or Y' I'd like to think I never would, however when I am honest with myself I know the potential is there and it scares the hell out of me. The only difference I can see is I had money to lose when it all began. I hope that doesn't come across in any way as arrogant or condescending, it's absolutely not the way it's intended.

As for worrying about posting on newbie's diaries, I'd like to say as a newbie, I can't thank you enough for taking the time to write in mine. It really is a huge source of support to know that someone's taken time out of their own life to try and help me in mine. It's also nice to know someone somewhere is rooting for me to win.

The main thing I'm struggling to deal with at the moment is the insaneness of it all. I work in science and I like answers and reasons. I like knowing why things happen. I like explanations. But I can't make head nor tail of why this happened or why I can't control it. I don't like not knowing why.

Anyway, I'm the one rambling now, I hope things are a little better after your last entry. I'm in no doubt you haven't gambled and in part it's thanks to you that I haven't either (I'm going to take the majority share of the credit for my success so far though!)

Take care
Jess

Journal Day 79

Hi All,

Just checking in quickly between meetings. Firstly a big thanks to all that have posted on my diary, as always it helps to hear other peoples thoughts and as Jess rightly and eloquently puts it - to know that people have taken time out of their own lives to try and help me in mine. I have been very lucky of late in that my resolve has remained strong and I do not feel "at risk" however this site remains a constant rock of support, and I think makes recovery all the more possible when you realise how many of us are in this together rooting for each other against a common foe.

I am currently exhausted, work is still crazy and I think will remain so until probably mid December. This week has been another string of 2am finishes and hazy morning starts. I am looking forwards to collapsing into a seat on the plane in a few hours and grabbing a couple of hours of sleep whilst heading home. On the plus side, even if I did have any urges to gamble currently which I dont, I simply would not have had any time to indulge them, so busy = good.

@ODAAT - cheers for the post, and good luck with your recovery the slots are evil, and very addictive - but you can break the cycle. I have looked for a recovery diary for you but i cannot find one - if you havent already I would recommend starting one as it has helped me enormously and it gives the rest of us a chance to offer you the support you will need during your recovery.

@Jess - thank you for your post, you write very well. I empathise with your situation, and I understand how it feels to be at the point you are/were at - as I am sure many of us here will. You sound very positive and determined and I think the way you are approaching your recovery will give you every chance of success. You are as always most welcome for my post/ramblings/thoughts on your diary - I wish I had found this site sooner, time spent here is so much more useful and rewarding for everyone than time spent out there in the ether slowly destroying our bank balances and our lives. I have a few more thoughts on what you have said - I will pop over and ramble some more on your diary with these later. Stay Strong !

Best Regards,

FM.

Journal Day 83

Hi All,

Just checking in. This is a flying visit as Im well behind at work today. Everything gambling wise is good - no urges, still trying to get finances sorted but I am making progress on that. My resolve is strong and Im in a good place gambling wise. As I mentioned before it still feels a lifetime ago that I was actively gambling, and my journal day numbers dont look nearly as big as that time span feels in my head. I look forwards to making it into triple digit recovery.

Best Regards to all of you - stay gamble free.

FM.

Hi, thanks for the post and I will reply properly when I get a chance. I'm still adamant in my 'I will still keep this secret' approach so like you I'll have to wait until I have some time free.

I'll sign off now as once I get going I'll ramble about my thoughts for hours - maybe it explains why my colleagues keep asking me to play the silent game??!!

I'm still gamble free and still feeling good about it, so that's the main thing. Pleased to hear that your still well on the road to recovery, although I wasn't in any doubt you would be.

Take care
Jess

Hi FM,

Glad all well! Sounds like were in a similar place, no real urges but still P**ed off with paying back debts.

One thing that has tripped me up in the past , is when the debt goes and we start putting money away , this was a dangerous time for me, thoughts like , "Well Im in the plus now, I can afford to gamble" and millions of others kept rushing into my head.

Just a word of caution for the future. I've no intent of ever gambling again, but I know the road will be rocky!

Glad all good,

Hi FM,

You are making fantastic progress, really pleased for you. Keep doing what you are doing!

Thanks for the post on my diary - I'm still here and reading lots. I will return to my own diary in a few days.

Hi there