Festina Lente

Mad busy and up and down week. Day 449, still hate the thought of giving my money, time and emotions to some corporate greedy smug bast*rd who smiles at at the misery of others whilst living a life of luxury for themselves and their rejoicing family.

I'm just about to go round and have it out with my neighbour and hopefully kick his bullying head in. He's one of those big mouth, loud fookers, that shout and scream all the time. They've got 4 kids I think, I can't keep up, she sh*ts one out on a regular basis. He treats them like dirt, screaming at them all the time, using foul language and threatening them with violence. The size of him as well. It makes my blood boil when men mistreat kids or women. Or women mistreating kids either and she's just as bad. Anyway, he woke me up screaming at one of them at 5 this morning. He's taking the P**s now, everything he shouts is foul too so I'm raging. Had a sh*tty morning and the only thing that got me through it was the thought that when I got home I was going to give him an even shittier afternoon.

f*****g K**t. Shower first though and after I've sorted him I'm going for a relaxing swim. Then picking up Maisie.

Tired and P*ssed off

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrerr

Morning Steve

Even when ur angry u av a way of making me laugh seriously though hope u get it sorted not pleasant , think u will need to educate them more than anything people like that dont know no different

Can see the teacher side of u many times on this forum with the solid advice u give others , u also av a real good understanding of gambling and the affects it as and its great u share that with others , then when the timing is right u can change the mood and make everyone laugh

A real great asset to this site but ur own recovery is important and hats off to u 449 days is mindblowing to achieve , u deserve it just an inspiration to us all

Hope maisie is ok and still enjoying that precious time with her

Castle2

Yo,

You can't do that . Keep us in suspense.

What happened ?

I am very worried that you may have spent the night in the cells or A&E .

Update needed !

Oh and by the way , thank you for your post .

Shiny xxxxxx

Hey Steve ,,

Must have been the day for P*** takers yesterday as I also was ranting ....up at 4am this morning chunnering again , even the half bottle of merlot did nothing to quell it ...

Ditto Shiny .....are you ok ?

R and D xx

Co-ranters.com

Morning all, thanks Castle, Shiny and Rach. Had a word with that big, gormless, bullying, i****d, stupid, lumbering, inconsiderate, K**t who resides adjacent to me yesterday. I was furious and I told him so, didn't go into all the cumulative misdemeanours just kept it short and told him to shut the f**k up. Didn't help that it was teeming down and I was stood there in my tee shirt drenched, that P***** me off as well. Anyway it was as quiet as anything last night and since but it's annoying that it got this far, inconsiderate t***t. I don't mind his kids making noise, that's a happy sound, I don't mind it hearing him either but I don't want to hear abusive and hateful hollering at some ungodly hour. In schools we're always encouraged to report this type of behaviour. For me this is and has always been difficult, I'd rather, rightly or wrong, approach the person first. I hate these tough decisions in life.

Anyway slept like a baby last night, drank warm milk at midnight and 4am and changed my soiled nappy in between.

Got a free day today, the first Saturday without Maisie for a long, long time. The floozy's off partying then stopping out for a sleepover. She's a good girl and I hope she has fun.

I've reached 450 days today, I don't know how I've got this far but I suppose it's down to circumstances changing, growing wiser and an incident which happened just before I decided to start this diary. Gambling was always my life, I am a gambler, loved it, hated it in equal proportion. Enjoyed the successes rode out the losses until the next bet. A torturous up and down, miserable existence I grew to accept. It's a shittty life but you'd be surprised what you'd put up with to satisfy your addiction. Anyway just before I came here I was winning big, the bets were getting bigger, more time was being wasted thinking about the next punt, it was sickening thinking back. The highs, the mania, the thrill, the greed, the unreality and isolation from everyday life. Well on this one occasion I was in my sisters with Maisie playing with her cousins. I checked my phone to see that my big punt for the day had come in. I made my excuses and said I had to slip out for a bit, as I got into my car Maisie jumped in at the last second. I'd never took her to a bookies before because that was my own dirty, shameful secret. Yet on this one and only time I decided to and let her wait in the car as I collected. She was very excited guessing I'd won, she reached into my coat pocket and pulled out a huge wad of cash. Her eyes lit up and my ego got the better of me too. I acted like I was the best gambler there was, that gambling was easy, that getting rich by doing nothing was easy. All so, so untrue of course. I'm so ashamed now thinking back. I saw in her eyes the joy of gambling, the greed, the euphoria. I don't regret the misery this addiction has done to me for I made those choices but if I had helped plant the seed for this addiction in my daughter then that's something I'd regret for the rest of my life. So I had one last hurrah with the winnings buying everyone 'Blackberry's' in the family, before gambling the rest of it away in 'throwaway' bets before wiping myself out financially ready to try and shake off this disease. Since then I haven't gambled and I've tried to educate my daughter about the true misery gambling money brings, how it's best to value money and earn it honestly, how it's better to seek contentment than thrills. Every time there is a gambling advert on the tv I try to reinforce this and hopefully one day she'll forget what it felt like to hold 'easy money.'

Of course I'm realistic enough to know that a true addict will eventually break every vow they ever take but I also know that if I keep trying then I can keep increasing the distance between myself and that first shameful bet. One good thing is though I believe it's not all doom and gloom, the more we understand this addiction and ourselves the better we become at protecting ourselves. I'll always be standing on the edge of a precipice, and I know exactly just how far I can fall. Yet if life pushes me over that edge then I know I have 'ledges' of experience where I can land on, gather my thoughts and climb back to the top from. Earlier, I would have just gone into blind free fall.

To some 450 days seems a lot but in reality I'm in the same place as someone giving up on their first day, one wrong choice from that first ruinous bet.

Life is better nowadays, I'm humble and grateful in equal measure. I don't miss gambling but I'm not complacent either. I'm wiser but I know I'm fundamentally stupid and irrational too because I've proven this on countless occasions.

Just for today, a weekend too, I've chosen not to gamble and give those vulturous bookies the pleasure, security and happiness of my money. Can't win because I don't know when I've won.

Steve

Steve, that was one awesome post my friend. I am currently trying to find a ledge to stand on. I do believe I am free falling at the moment. I am not gambling but, I am not on solid ground resolve either. Your post was a great reminder why why why the f**k I cannot gamble. I never ever know that I won. The feeling lasts a nanosecond or less then its gone. Sorry for the ramble. Keep keeping on and good one for confronting the neighbor. Kids need to know that there are adults out there who care and are looking out for them -- whether that was your intention or not. lol!! -joanxxx

Steve

my friend thanks for sharing your post today,

From it I took another great lesson.

with honour and strength.

I salute you.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Steve... great posts, almost like reading a book but far more interesting because its real life, your life. I can imagine what its like living next to the neighbours from hell. Fantastic that you felt able to speak your mind. I waited until 3 a.m before speaking my mind to my partying neighbours the other week. Sometimes its a balancing act isn't it "live and let live" or "asserting ones rights to a peaceful home life".

Anyway I see your working your recovery well and as it suits you. Great stuff on your gambling free time. As ive mentioned in my own diary... its so easy to slip back into gambling despite a long stretch off it. Thats why am still here reading and writing. Still very much a work in progress. Thanks for your support.. warm regards... S.A 🙂

Hey Steve..

Good on ya for confronting your neighbour and like Joan says..the kids probably appreciate that there is someone who can put some order back into chaos as it must be scary for them.

Thank you for positing....I have been spared further evangelical masterbation ..lol ...it seems to have calmed down as they know I have a cut off point.

A lot of its another escape I feel ..a c*l de sac or as they say.." The last opiate " ...guess I took the wrong pill and went down the rabbit hole....

R and D xx

Busy week ahead, not long to go before work dries up and I'm back selling soiled underpants online for six weeks to make ends meet.

Meeting a new headmaster tomorrow, don't like authority so it should be fun. Don't know what to wear. Women are so lucky that they can express themselves visually in many different ways. Shoes, sandals, boots, a varying mountain of choice. Clothes, again whatever takes your fancy, wacky, formal, daring, colourful, dresses, skirts, trousers even. The opportunity to govern your mood through clothes for women is limitless, you may wake up feeling drab but if you don that cheeky little orange number from M&S then you'll soon be back to your usual bubbly self. And then there's the hair. Again if you want a pick me up you can pamper yourself in that department to your heart's content. Perms, layers, bobs, this colour that colour each more daring than the next. Women have it easy, it must be a joy for you to get up sometimes and decide how you're going to present yourself to the world. Men on the other hand or at least me, it's a soul destroying experience. You shave again, because if you don't you look like a P**s head who's been bevying all night. Forget about the hair, it's more of an embarrassment now which just sits there, lifeless. You could try and resurrect it but you'd be better off trying to polish a t**d. Then there's the obligatory 'work clothes.' Containing pockets full of stolen pens and two week old tissues which have deteriated into strings of crisp uselessness but yet you still put them back into your pocket. A man has one opportunity to 'express' himself and give him a boost for the day. Should I wear the lime green tie mother got me for Christmas or the purple polyester stained and creased one I bought for a nicker at Oxfam. Whoopee doo. Who'd be a man under these circumstances and yes, women in my opinion have it easy.

Well tomorrow I'm going to meet this Headmaster full of zest and zeal because I'd have opted to wear my dead Aunt's mini skirt with matching white thigh length boots, my camouflaged fishing jacket, eyeliner for effect, foundation for the wear and tear, and as for my hair, well I'm going to dye it silver and have it pointing to magnetic north. Only then, with this new found vigour will the Headmaster see the best of me. I'm sure somewhere along the line I'd fit into a category which tallies with their equal ops policy.

Anyway, better get some sleep. Day 451, wishing you all well.

Stephanie

Steve

fella i am trying to watch the final of the confederations cup now through tears of laughter!!!

my friend to uphold your professional integrity

you have to don on top of that fantastic outfit that lime green tie!!!!

I salute you and wait with anticipation the ladies of the forum to 'gok' some worthy advice lol!!!!

Duncs stepping forward never back.

P.s maybe just shave one half, just because lol.

Loving it. I used to work in a school and with your planned outfit sounds like you were seperated at birth from the headmaster we had. Hope all goes well, do you not have a syrup if the hair is a bit dodgy, maybe said dead aunt had one you could regenerate.

xxx

Yo,

Lol, a word of advice my dear friend . Take it easy on the eye shadow , you really do not want to come across as a floozy

Hope your interview goes well, I would employee you in a heart beat , just hoping and praying that he has not heard bout your taste in music .

Shiny xxxxxx

So long as its artistic and tasteful ....

Enjoy xxxx I shall still respect you in the morning ,..lol

Bruce

Xx

LOL!! And, thanks for the fashion tips Steph. LOL!! -joanxxxxx