Today is day 1 (for the 100th and hoping the final time) for me. Almost nine years of gambling and have lost over 250k including over 19k last night. Most of it borrowed money (re-mortgages, loans, etc) . Lots of starts and stops. Blocked myself everywhere in UK and then urges carried me to Europe where I lost a lot.
Each time I was kidding myself I’ll be in control but then I just lost it. Feeling numb right now and dreading the pain, shame and guilt that will eventually follow (and which I fully deserve)
This time I’ve decided enough is enough. No matter how much I will win, the Casino will eventually always win as I will keep gambling and ultimately losing.
Two ways this will end. Either I stop now or I stop when I lose everything that I still have.
I owe it to my sweet forgiving wife with whom I have shared everything and whose innocence I have taken advantage of repeatedly.
I am determined this time to stop this trail of selfishness and become the person she deserves.
What a horrible person I have become. Its time to look really hard at myself, accept the character defects I’ve developed and work on turning things around.
Debt is under control but if I don’t stop now I’ll ruin myself and lose everything. I need to keep this fear with me about gambling for the rest of my life of what a life and soul destroying addiction this is and how much life destroying delusion I get myself into.
Hello. I looked and seen that you’ve been on here since 2014. What have you tried before and what are you going to do differently this time. I understand after a heavy loss we feel that’s enough and I applaud you for starting again but I’m sure you know the pain doesn’t last. How can you make this the last time?
Chris.
I really resonate with what you say about the character defects. Like you feel that you change as a person because of the addiction don't you.. it becomes all encompassing almost. Like it invades every bit of your life. You can do this!!!
Thank you Dave for sharing this. I am thinking my route to recovery will be similar to yours. Wanting to learn and grow while progress along this difficult terrain.
I really resonate with what you say about the character defects. Like you feel that you change as a person because of the addiction don't you.. it becomes all encompassing almost. Like it invades every bit of your life. You can do this!!!
Thank you Starting Again. Feels good to have someone who can relate to this.
Hello. I looked and seen that you’ve been on here since 2014. What have you tried before and what are you going to do differently this time. I understand after a heavy loss we feel that’s enough and I applaud you for starting again but I’m sure you know the pain doesn’t last. How can you make this the last time?
Chris.
Thank you Chris for the reality check. I’ll need to make changes to my approach and mindset to make this the last Day 1.
You are right the pain I am feeling now regarding the loss will eventually go away or lessen but this recovery is going to be a lifetime activity.
Putting blocks in place do help and can only help you so far. For example blocking myself on all offline/online gambling sites in the UK did help. It gave me a peace of mind and helped me coping with my compulsive thoughts. I do believe this is vital for my recovery.
But my recovery needs much more than this. An unlearning, re-learning, fundamental understanding and change in my mindset which will keep me off gambling in places where such blocks may not be there. It basically means an relook of my life and learning.
I am going into this with my eyes open now, with a humble learning and open attitude and a willingness to tread an emotionally difficult terrain with hope and determination to come out the other end a transformed and grown person. Wish me luck.
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