First night with alcohol - how does alcohol affect you?

I posted a few days ago as ‘day 1’.

I know my gambling addiction is alcohol related. Tonight is my first night without my children or husband in the house. I’ve had a drink.

How do you all think this relates to alcohol abuse?
I admitted today (in my head and on the phone to an advisor) that if I didn’t drink, I wouldn’t be this despicable person I am today. 

I know for a fact if I had money available I’d have been gambling. I didn’t have money though, but there were a couple of times my mind has tried to draw me back in.

If I had not reached out to this site, I’d have being gambling tonight, no doubt.

I’ve spent my night trying to sell some of my things on eBay to get back some money for my family.

Nothing I own is worth much, but it might add up. I feel embarrassed I’m scraping around for things. More embarrassing how much of a materialistic person I am owning so much stuff of no value.

It’s been a really tough 24 hours of realisation. I had my first call with Gamcare, I need help from them. I also need my doctors help. I’m struggling not telling my husband. I feel like the worst mother to ever exist and debts I’ve caused are a storm awaiting to *** me.

The hardest part is betrayal. If I feel this over betraying my husband, how will he feel over the betrayal I’ve caused him?

I have spent most of my day crying, including the doctors booking appointment call! I’m trying hard to tell myself it’s my way of ridding my demons in the time I have alone.

Despite having had a drink tonight, my views have remained unchanged. I’ve done this, it’s conscious. 

I can also undo this, it’s conscious.

We can all do this.