For my daughter

what if your parents don't lend you the money?

I said I had 2 options, borrow from my parents or go back to work early.

As I've never asked to borrow money from them before, and I know they can afford to bail me out until I get back to work and repay them, I can't see why they would say no. But, if for some reason they do, then I'll have to go back to work early.

I'm not proud of having to ask them for money. And I'm definitely not proud that I've gambled myself into this financial mess while I'm on unpaid maternity leave. It might be a just punishment for me to have to go back to work early and miss out on the next 6 weeks of my daughters life but I'm not prepared to do that when I know I'm lucky enough to have parents who can help me.

Hi J24 if you want to stop for your daughter don't actually have he money from your parents. Ask them to directly pay your bills, buy your food. You've just said all the money you get your hands on you gamble.

I think the main reason my gambling started spiralling so out of control over the past 11 months is because of the amount of time I spend alone now. My partner works an awful shift pattern, a combination of days and nights with very little turn around in between. The time he does spend at home is mainly taken up with sleeping and spending time with our daughter. I could go into the amount of time he gets to spend with his friends in the pub but that's a whole other website!

Although I'm with my daughter almost all day everyday, with her being so young she still sleeps a lot. And she's not brilliant at it unless I'm lying with her, again that's a discussion for a different place. Anyway, it's means a lot of time with nothing but the tv and internet for company.

That how it began anyway. Now it's a combination of having the time and desperately trying to recoup my losses. I have to give it up. It's not going to work and I know it's not going to work.

The thought of my debt is weighing heavily on my mind at the minute, my guess is it will be until I get back to work and can start chipping away at it with something more meaningful than minimum payments.

Still I'm feeling fairly confident today. It doesn't surprise me, despite the low that's brought me back to the diaries, day 1 always seems to make me feel positive. I don't know how long that feeling will last so I'm going to use todays nap times to self exclude and look into blocking software.

Nothing changes if nothing changes

Step one completed, I've self excluded from all the accounts that I remember opening. I'm sure there'll be more that I've forgotten about (but not hard to find if I put my mind to it) so the next step is blocking software, which I'll get onto tonight when my daughter goes to sleep.

I'd forgotten how difficult some sites make it to find the self exclusion option. I'd also forgotten how many make you email their customer services to ask, only to receive a reply from them asking if you're sure you want self exclude and then ask for a reason why. It's like their final act of humiliation. Haha, we've got you hooked, we've taken all your money, plunged you into a world of hell and now, rather than giving you a little button to press so you can leave quietly with the sliver of dignity you have left, we're going to make you confess to us that you've got a gambling addiction. Anyway, screw them, I confessed and it's done.

One site I excluded from today said the exclusion would apply to their other sites, which I knew would be the case. What I didn't realise was that one of their other sites is a site I excluded from permanently a couple of years ago. I'm not sure how I've then managed to register with 'todays' site using all the same details as the one I was excluded from. I was pretty angry about it but I've reminded myself that if it hadn't been that site I'd registered with, it would've been another one so I'd still be in the same boat anyway.

Although I haven't made much progress today, I do still feel like I've made some progress. And, most importantly, I haven't gambled, so it's been a good day

Personal responsibilty there in that last post Jess, accepting that if it hadn't been that site it would have been another...I call that good progress & congratulations on the baby 🙂 It's been another while huh 🙁

You know your partner's shifts are just an excuse right? And all that stuff for another website belongs here! It's addiction & babies not sleeping & mind numbing shift work (as the worker or the partner) takes it's toll on an addict! You can't do this alone...What you need more than money from your parents is support & that means coming clean and asking for it. You have to break this cycle for you & everyone around you, especially your little girl. You may even find that as your stress levels come down she becomes less clingy & figures out how to sleep on her own.

Wish it were under different circs but good to see you back. Make this time count - ODAAT

I gambled a lot of money jsut before my last confession. In the back of my mind I was thinking of the family members that could bail me out. All based on presumptions and all to justify the decisions i was making

I agree with ODAAT totally, it reads like you are trying to go alone on this recovery and trying to put your daughter as the reason.

This needs to be about you and you need support to do it.

As a minimum I think you should be telling your Partner and your parents. Ask your parents to help you with the finances - by reviewing them together and then making a decision about the options available then

Now is the time for you to break this, I love the saying you use, nothing changes if nothing changes

make the confession(s) ask for the help and boot gambling in the proverbial

Thanks ODAAT (lovely to hear from you again) and Compulsive Gambler. I may or may not have read your posts last night after a couple of glasses of wine and I may or may not have burst into tears when I did.

Of course, I know you're both right about coming clean and I know it's something I'm going to have to do. The person I want to speak to first is my sister. We've always had a love/hate relationship and can fall out for months at a time (always her fault!) but she's always been my strongest ally, even when we're not speaking. She gets married in 5 weeks and I just can't bring myself to dump this on her now. I don't know whether that makes me selfish or selfless but either way, I won't add to her stress in the run up to her big day. Once I've told her, I'll feel happier speaking to my parents. I know I'm asking for their help before then but as I've said, I've never borrowed money from them before, ever.

I went out at 14 and found a Saturday job. Went to uni at 19 and paid my own tuition fees with money I'd saved from that job. I changed jobs while I was at uni, to one where I could work more hours. I ended up staying there after I'd finished uni, working on average 60 hours a week (and never using my degree, much to my parents despair!) until I was 25. At 25, I re-evaluated where I was headed and applied for a job in which I'd be paid to do second degree. It meant taking a pay cut to begin with, so for the next 4 years I trained in my new job, studied for my degree, and kept my old job on a 'casual' basis to make up the difference in pay. I only left once I'd qualified in my new job and finally had a career. 6 years on and I now earn a good wage. I know that doesn't make me any different to thousands of other people, I simply want to give some context to my decision to borrow from my parents. It isn't a solution that comes naturally to me. It's not something that sits comfortably with me. They will be the first debt I pay back even though I already know they'll tell me to keep it until I'm back on my feet.

Anyway, that's taken me ages to write so mine and my partners complex financial history will have to wait for another time.

I'm feeling pretty happy today, the sun is shining outside, my daughters snoring her little head off on my knee, I've come to my diary instead of gambling, I'm at my cousins birthday bash this afternoon (my first proper night out, since February) and I can go with a clear conscience as I'm 'owed' a few drinks from not having a night out for my own birthday this year. Today I do not have the time to gamble.