Frightening New Territory

I almost made it six months when I first found recovery resources (this was years ago). I'm at almost 5 and honestly I am projecting forward to the 6 month mark/milestone... how will it feel. Hmmm it's only ever one moment . Yet, milestones do bring a certain feeling , like an increment of recovery to take moment and compare how I felt 5 or 6 months ago. As the title of my diary says 'frightening new territory'. From here to 6 months. 6 months to a year, etc. It's new. Even today was NEW . Today I drove to a business near a gas station where I commonly purchased scratchers. I just did not go. Something inside of me resisted. tara2 148 days casino zone free.... o*g odaat

Today I celebrate 5 months casino, slot zone gf . I celebrate and then I let it go. odaat tara2

Very interesting reading tara2. Thank you for sharing.

You are doing exceptionally well and I am inspired to push through the temptation barriers like you mention.

I have a few days to myself which means that if I were hiding within compulsive gambling addiction I could realistically go crazy with it and no one but ME would need to know. First off, I'm not having the urge. Yes , it crossed my mind but it did not stick. I think that I'm creating new patterns , not only of behavior but of thinking/processing/feeling. I don't consider myself 'safe' from addiction nor do I find it wise to be complacent. Secondly, even though there is this 'opening' to gamble without anyone but ME knowing; I KNOW. It's always and will always be a cold hard fact ; the fact that I KNOW my own behavior and thoughts... no one else really is as important in my personal realm . It's myself and GOD that I need to be honest and accountable with. I can't really live whilst being dishonest to myself and GOD. Lying or living a lie is not living. Dealing with painful details of life or even suffering through hard times in an honest way is far better than being emersed within a lake of addiction ( a cold , dark, lonely, deep lake of despair). odaat tara2

Today I intensely feel the collective pain of all the people who are and have struggled with compulsive gambling. It's HUGE! Today I'm sending recognition out to the masses of people who are trying day to day , to end the madness. odaat Let's be good to ourselves. tara2

I am with you there Tara. Thoughts maybe do have substance so it is good to send out positive thinking to all those in the world who are suffering through gambling.

I just read your post from 2 days ago and was very moved by it. Very powerful, full of emotion and inspiring. I shall return to it later and use it for my meditation practice.

Take good care of yourself...Stephen x

Hello everyone who reads this. I am approaching a memory date. What I mean by that is a date that will always stick in my mind which was around this time of year. I actually have to look up the date. But what meaningful about it is that I was gambling big in a long binge , going every week instead of once every one two or three months... god it's hard to want to remember the details. What I want to share is that one that day about a year ago I was scared straight or almost straight. I was asked to leave the casino that I had been going to for almost 2 years all the while having a life time self exclusion with them. oh boy. my wagers had been escalating and it was blessing that they were on to me . I gambled two times at another casino I then went three months before going to another casino and then three more months bringing me to the last time I was at a casino. It's now been 163 days slot zone casino free. I have another date for back away from buying scratchers. For me the 163 days from slots is powerfully meaningful as I had played those machines for a decade and a half. Also, I don'[t like buying scratchers... I did buy too many a few times in my life. I'm just not interested in putting any money into those at all , it's such a waste and I'm totally not condoning or reccommending scratch cards for anyone here. But I am honoring everyones journey and what works for them. Life is much better without the slot addiction behavior. I'm taking it one day at a time. tara2

Today I'd like to post about how gambling effects the body itself. In my experience being a compulsive gambler with slots for so long really took it's toll on my physical health. I inhaled second hand smoke for up to 10 hours straight at times so I had a dry cough for years and it's only recently subsided. My heart was so injured from the 'jolts' of the risk taking and losses that I was on herbal medicine for two years. My brain! I could not keep it together to concentrate and keep my life at a managable place. My head HURT in very strange ways like deep inside my brain. Only recently have a felt some return to 'normal'. I even hurt my fingers from playing slots and they are not hurting me now, thank God. My feet would get cramps at night from gambling for hours during the day. My breath was shortened and my posture sunk. My face aged. My nervous system was peaked out and needed alot of nurturing, still does. I had insomnia a large percentage of the time which too away my energy and vitality. I lost desire to exercise much or do regular spiritual practices. And this is just the physical body. Thank God , although I've slipped and relapsed many many times I had some periods of recovery work to off set the damages. But this addiction is very progressive; it has to stop, at least for me. I'm not getting any younger but I can have better health a little at a time. People would say that I'm healthy but if I had not spent years dealing with the addiction I 'd be in alot different position with my health. I'm grateful to be gleaning physical benefits of from this recovery journey. Spiritual , psycho-emotional, relational, societal, familial, financial etc. effects are related to this share but are topics all their own! Just wanted to focus on the physical today. tara2

Yesterday when I deposited a check in my bank I felt self respect. This is huge for me. I'm not complacent, it's odaat. I will be grateful though, for refreshingly different experiences with the simple details of life like depositing a check without feeling that sense of shame. I alway felt a heaviness when entering the bank because they could see my account activity and I had a balance that quickly went down instead of up. Entire paycheck deposits gone in one day. Saving account drained. Many atm withdrawals in one day up to the limit ... on the avg. of once a month. Cash advances above what my withdrawal limits were set at ( this was insane). Working for what? To fund or fuel an addiction! and pay for basic living and that it is. I felt that everyone in the bank knew. I even changed banks one time when I thought I was really serious about day 1. Then back to the reverse saving account.. my term... money disappearing into thin aire/ slot addiction. So for me to once again enter my bank with a smile and with personal esteeme, this is huge. THis is a feeling I want to maintain. odaat. thx. tara2

A lady from another site suggested that I write up a reasons why I don't gamble list. It seems like a list which will never become obsolete. Odaat is all I know though. tara2

I'm posting often. That's okay for now because this is how my recovery is showing up. I'm reading alot of posts and visiting everyday on several kinds of recovery sites. My title for this diary is frieghtening new territory and it is frieghtening when I think of just how freakin' quickly things can change /switch back to engaging in compulsive gambling. It's sadly commonplace because this addiction is one of the worst! So yeah, I'm grateful and scared. I think fear is good, it shows respect for the difficult path of recovery. When I feel more at ease I still have to stay close and strong. Yes, I really want this and it's so hard. Letting go and letting God. odaat, that's all I know. tara2

Frieghtenting new territory is the title I posted for my diary of recovery. Today, I'm beyond words. I don't have the words to post a combination of respectful fear and emmense gratitude. tara2

Hi there. I've gotten to a place of feeling sobriety many times. During these times I've started to post here and on other sites more. The new territory is to hold strong through this early sobriety to be able to experience something even better for myself and also better ways that I can share and help others too. The new territory is to be prepared for life challenges with blocks and resources in place against old worn out coping. New ways of coping and dealing ready as needed. Allowing for joy! This is new, well kind of. Yesterday instead of going to a second coda meeting I went for a walk in the rain to feed my soul. tara2

Once again, I'm intensely feeling the collective suffering and hope of all compulsive gamblers. Sending out compassion times a million for all of us. Stay strong. Take care and love yourself. tara2

Hello to anyone who has read my diary and posts. I have asked the administration to remove me from the site. I am close to 6 months slot machine casino free. I have other sites that I visit where I get feedback and sort of know people. Here I have been unable to get much in return for all I have shared. But still I'm happy to have contributed. Have a great journey odaat. I'll be continuing mine. tara2