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Hi diary,

So today is a little thoughtful day, remarkable in some way also. Today is my parents anniversary of being in marriage for 41 yrs...some really amazing years they went through...good, bad, and the ugly...The love grown into respect, care, unconditional support and understanding of each other. Today i want to express my pride in their never ending belief of today and calm/peaceful/content tomorrow.

Today also saddens me a little. Not sure why, cause i believe this day a year ago was huge push in myself and getting my confidence back. I met up with one soldier which was very very good friend. Simple and dare i say normal day spent at the seaside and feeding ducks lol..that was remarkable day, cause i managed to snap out of my comfort zone and look at myself for who i am...accept myself a little more. At that time i was also very strong in recovery and just wanted to share that strength and belief with others. i guess, i thank you my friend for putting the foundations down and helping me to view my life in different perspective...it has got me to today, more cofident and accepting person, plus i have an courage to meet more cyber friends who i hold dear to my heart and know i can trust them.

Ok, so thoughtful stuff outta way. Am still a little wobbly physically but planned a good run later on..just need to put it in practice somehow lol. Had some tests done this weekend re my health (hate hospitals but sometimes cannot pick and choose), and all come back clear. So I'm all good lol...just don't feel like it. Gotta do some further scans/ x rays or whatever is out there to find the cause of the pain i experience.
As of gambling...well, yep, f**** is here and telling his tales, but my block on the phone is back on and really not in the mood to wonder out to bookies or other bells and whistles places...plus i made a promise which I'm doing my best to hold onto..cannot trust myself so don't expect others to do so...but hey, gotta keep working at it..progress not perfection.

So that's it from me for today or this week. Soon be marking 2yrs in recovery...wow! 2 yrs and 20 slips...but...they are just slips and not full blown back to square one. Today i see it as progress and just maybe will be proud of what i have achieved so far.

Day at a time
Stay safe all
Keep fighting

Sandra

Not been in touch recently but you are in my thoughts each day.

xxx

Hi Sandra,

Just dropping in to say Hi to my little golf ball!

Keep fighting the fight and have a great weekend. ;0)

Ade xx

Soooo very pleased you kept it up 🙂

I'm telling you, you're gonna find that sunrise 🙂

Whoop back little friend, looks like Juuunie let the cat of the bag lol, but it looks like good news, in the fact that you are swimming above water HDs indeed, keep starving it and it will turn out very nice today.

Sounds like you need some KIP, keep bucket and spade on hold as coming your way very soon.

Keep looking up that sunrise is there.

Take care and stay safe

Blondiee xxxx

Hey all,

Thank you so much for your kind/inspiring/heart gripping words..don't wonna sob but yep, tears can flow freely right xx

Diary,

Come back to my little corner for the update. Please excuse any mistakes cause have one eye closed and the other one heading the same way lol (only 3hrs sleep since 1pm on Thursday..am deffo coo coo but have some sort of sleep issues recently also).

So, firstly, dear GC, i keep avoiding to contact you with my return email..not sure why, but i guess by now you gathered that im keeping this hell of a diary up!!!..will get bk to you in more appropriate way soon enough, thanks for your patience 🙂
Dear dear Rachel :-))))) yep, my wonderful friend who is just sticking to reading...do miss your light on here girl, would b amazing to see you posting again but fully understand the circumstances (naughty naughty lol). Thank you for your unconditional support away from this heavenly place, we sort of trying to create our own special corner in recovery ain't we?...even if it's different one..still the same goal 🙂
Dear Irene, you prob are not reading on here anymore but just wanted to voice myself how proud i am of you and your continued journey! Way to go wee pal and i shall get bk to you shortly xx
Dear Shiny,my lovely friend! You and me know how important this journey is for us, i will be forever greatful for the words you shared, smiles we had and little ranty conversations we dealt with rather well 🙂 i am always by your side and will not move an inch away ya like it or not! ..you, Rachel, ODAAT are the main drives in my journey...thank you for saving my life!! (Never talk lightly....)
Soul - d**n girl, keep kicking a***s and i am happy to share with the world since you don't drag ur *r*e on here anymore, that you're still kicking and doing everything in your power to stay afloat...plus keeping on with your bbq's while sorting out that annoying bird next door LOL...love your soul girlie! Never change 🙂
I would like to thank you Phoenix - today you helped me to make my mind up about my road ahead. You said something very important to me and i took it deep to my heart..few tears (yep, we cry sometimes too...it is healing in a way believe me or not) and i am back up standing strong again, using my diary like old good days ... I want you to see how important you are, your recovery and life is yours to lead..you are strong enough to pursue your dreams :-)..keep on running! (But with a little breathers deal? 😉 )
Suzanne - yep my friend, thanks for dropping by, good stuff on horizon so keep kicking girlie! Pow pow as me and ODAAT would say (in a kindest way possible lol)
Ade, NT, Duncs,tt,Mary,Paul, Steve and many more who is posting...wow!!!! Keep inspiring us all, every day is a victory! We will get there, no matter what!!!!

Ok...so back to basics (sorry for the waffle...cannot stop...hmmmm...must b compulsive personality :-/ )
...i am still suffering a little with my health, knocking painkillers down like no tomorrow but know this is not the solution..will book apt with GP even if i don't want to ..(that's stubbornness i have lol). Parents are ok, dad is nearly made a full recovery..bless his heart 🙂 mum is getting better also, which is truly good to hear.

Not much thought of gambling today. Kept myself busy and even if it was one looooong day i managed to navigate safely. Did a little shopping and spent 100 quid on myself. This didn't mk me happy..i have really bad relationship with money...my savings are still there but some expenses coming up this summer with being out and about,..which - is normal!! So i should stop beating myself up with overally strict saving plan..stuff it - Sandra wants to live also 🙂

That's about it i guess. Today is over...tomorrow is another day..will be a good day - meeting one of you 🙂 every single one of you brings that ray of sun into my life, thank you for caring, sharing, listening and i hope i can do the same in return...unconditionally each and every single one of you.

Over and out
Stay safe all and SLEEP peacefully 😉

Sandra x

Hey Sandra.

Thanks for the welcome back ! I'm back on here now after a few weeks off. Started going to bingo a couple of times and although it was never my big 'issue' it's still gambling so seemed pointless coming here to be amongst the non gamblers ! Anyway I'm glad to be back and nice to see things not changed and still lots of support on here. Have a lovely weekend 🙂

Clare x

Hey Sandra,

I just wanted to say high... your support to me especially at my lowest moments is just really nice. Your a star :-)... am pleased to be back in a better place.

Good to see you back on the running!... but if you think your bones are ageing that makes mine fossilized lol. To be honest am starting to get back into good form now after illness and my gambling meltdown. I reckon some pb's will go before the year is out. Anyway keep running young lady... gets the happy hormones going.

Keep up the good work. Ive updated my email, so your also welcome to drop us a line at any point. Gamcare will pass on am sure

Regards.. S.A 🙂

Hi Sandra
Ty for your post and great to see you are focused and determined as Mr Gamble hates that.
The knee has taken a downturn for today and may end up back in hospital ( deep joy ).
Am gonna rest it loads and see if it will improve.
No running for me at moment but am too old for that and my Micheal's wobble too much. Must need a sports bra lol.
Keep the biscuits on standby as am on nights next week all being well.
Keep strong and am here with you all the way
Cheryl xxx

Thanks all

Dear diary,

Well, shall i start with a uplifting note saying I'm still gamble free. To be very (VERY) honest, i don't know how I'm managing this but somehow i do! Many painful news from fellow soldiers and my heart goes out to each and every one of them....i'm here dear soldiers, please reach out if you feel like it...or simply keep posting..
So our master chef is flying the nest as I'm typing 🙂 yup dear Duncs, have an awesome holiday and d**n man, i didn't know ya a bit nervous of flying (shhhhhh ... 😉 ).
So i was thinking a little today. Usually do after my shifts and lack of sleep. I thought that i need a holiday! And proper holiday away from this tiny little village...so....hmmm...i will b flying away also shortly by the sounds of it. They do great last minute deals 😉 very scared of flying but as my mate said " you wonna give up relaxing time over 3hrs of turbulence lol"...hmmm..yep actually, i better give up holiday :-D..we shall see, with mine ever changing mind i will stay rotting here till the end of the year.

Not much to report. Am tired as usual...finally booked myself to see a GP...thanks for nagging Rach, Soul, Juuneeee 😉
Oh yea, had a good weekend catching up with one of ya and this time it wasn't as much of "rubbish" conversations...Dogs is always a good line to pick (better than weather huh 😉 ).

So that's me for now. Few urges but am keeping the fight up too right! Still no running but am doing plenty of walking at work lol..letting myself off 😉

I will repost shortly guys, am not in top form recently and can hardly spit the word out (physical issues with failing breath and heart..that's age in my eyes :-0 (for the record, we all age differently)

Stay safe all, please look after yourselves and never ever give up giving up!!!!!

Proud of each and single one of you!

Ciao amigos

S x

It doesn't matter how you are managing to be gamble free, just that you are 🙂

At the tender age of 'a lot younger than most of us' you can't blame that for your failing health :-0 Very glad to see you listening to wise words @ last 🙂 I do hope it turns out to be something very easily cured...Probably by drinking a lot less coffee & a lot more water (bleugh)!

Next time you 'hook up', maybe you could choose the topic of conversation...I dread to think what it will be with you no Eenglish 😉

You be safe oh little one & for the record...I do not nag 😉 - Juuuuune

Hi Sandra,
Thanks for your post and as you may see have had another 3 days in hospital.
Glad to see you are keeping positive and won't be in for my nights so keep the biscuits safe for my return.
Take good care my friend
Cheryl xxx

Keep making the right decisions Sandra we all know how difficult it is at times to overcome this but as long as we stay away from that first bet and starve we will be just fine!

A holiday sounds like a great idea, relaxing, rewarding and good to reflect and keep moving forward with life and fill some of the voids we have when we choose recovery!

Wishing you all the best and an enjoyable bank holiday weekend.

Good stuff dear soldier for remaining gamble free!!

Keep walking forwards (its not easy to walk backwards ;-))

S.A 🙂

Hey all and thank you

Dear diary,

Was reflecting on my two years being on this site and my recovery in general. I'm afraid i cannot share great news and say I'm cured haha (do'h).. It took me two years to finally accept the situation and understand my actions better. What a journey! It's been awesome lol (most of it i should say).
One of my personal negatives is anger. By suppressing anger for number of years i made many silly decisions...only by finding recovery i learned how to manage it and channel it in other ways. Let's say i only learned how to cry late last year..i gotta thank my dear counsellor who managed to get through to the bottom of my "issues" and allowed me to be myself. ..it never happened in my first sessions 2yrs ago...i was angry then.
this time i cried and cried and let the healing take place..of course i was confused and a little angry at her lol..cause she was smiling at my tears! "You are finally doing it, let it all go, stop holding back". Will never forget these words...and only then i understood what she meant.

recovery from this addiction teached me a lot...not only how to control my usually rushed decisions but also how to start accepting the world and my place in it...i don't ask any more questions also..it is what it is..There are no answers, the most you can do is open few doors by self observation.
Recovery also made me exposed to the world, but i needed that cause my own layers was covering true me..i had to strip down from them to give myself another chance of making things right...and just maybe forgiving myself. This is still ongoing task, it is hard but same as recovery, progress bein made .

ok..i guess that's about it from psychological side of view 🙂
Now....i had about 10 relapses in these two years..some were silly flutters and some full blown madness moments...i took a lot out of them...of course i didn't learn first time round lol..me no Eenglish after all so prob took me 10 times to get into my skull that this is not a way forward, that enough is enough and i only hurt myself by those actions.
i can't say i won't make silly decisions again, i am not looking for perfection...progress is enough for me.
I am stable financially and just now started to value my pennies...they are not tokens on some kind of evil sites, they are my hard earned money, for me or anyone i want to spend it on.. i am still struggling with spending on myself, but ..again..progress huh.
Plus, o*g how many amazing souls i found on my way!i wouldn't replace my friends for the world, this site and people on here proved that honesty and kindness does exist in this world...we all make mistakes, but we are all wonderful people. Unique in our own way and so so similar to each other by carrying that spark of light around..on good, bad and the ugly. Thank you for being you all.

Recovery is possible, simple as. It gives you a choice...to get busy living or busy wasting your life away. I am making the right choice and only for today - i will not waste my life cause it's been wasted enough. I want to get busy living and i shall keep working towards it.

day at a time.
God bless all

Sandra