...

Good, glad to hear it!

KOKO x

Hi S,

Hope you are having a good weekend and that all that is going well for you - was the movie good and what was it? Good to read that you overcame those gambling urges. Keep your guard up and don't listen to those whispering demons. I still find that they come from time to time too. Keep embracing those positive actions and remaining the one in control! xxx

Thanks dear friends,

Dear diary,

I'm once again stressed and loosing sleep. I should expect that, the day is closing to go back to work...i don't really know what to expect. Scared of the outcome & bollocking maybe...but not much i can do here.

Went to bed so early last night trying to gloss over my feelings of anxiety. Didn't work out & was awake every 2hrs checking the phone! Why phone i do not know. Only yesterday i mentioned to my friend that i hardly look at it now.

Having an opportunity for a driving lesson today. Very scared but i know that time is running & i need to get in the saddle...better sooner than later. Would lie if say I'm ok and comfortable being in drivers seat...i doubt it will be easy but hay ho. Should get my new car tommorow night. Might take it out for a spin to get used to it...it's diesel & for some reason i chose the monster engine :-(...not very wise move of mine but fate is fate and if it meant to be it doesn't matter what beast I'm "sailing")
Kind of packing my stuff also. It got to me more than i thought. I am leaving my good mate and even if i know it's the best way forwards, i can't help but feel guilty. Just hope friendship remains intact as we went through a lot together. It's weird, in my 12yrs living here i don't have much stuff to my name! Lol...Can't wait to sit on the floor in the new place & do handwashing like old good times.
However, it's a new start for me & i should embrace it! I will never forget putting entry in my diary few years ago visualising myself in few years time....it was either me living on the streets & selling my body for a fix of drugs/booze or a spin...or me having my own place, free from my past and surrounded by friends chatting away with a cup of coffee with my best four legged friend by my side.
It's not exactly the reality today, however, little steps forward...i am choosing life. Not perfect, not at all. I know many struggles lies ahead but i am heading for the second option ☺..just need to knock Mr A on the head which is my ongoing challenge. Mr Gamble is lurking here too...but i am ready...ready to give my all to fight my enemies away!
Socialising & finding someone to care for is my challenge also.

I read few diaries this morning. See Sesuo is struggling with sleep & even if wanted to say "get the f**k up ya lazy cow & spend time with your lovely hubby", i didn't...not cause it's not polite (ya should hear our conversations sometimes :-D), but because i know how she feels & how hard it is to break the cycle! Many many life's factors adds up in our daily routine...i guess kindness to ourselves and more appreciation to what we actually have is essential in our journies!
Then i read another diary of a lovely soul who goes through such a tough time. Sorrygorry if I'm right...dear lady - you're stronger than you think, you encountered many unfortunate situations in your life, however you can help yourself and keep moving on! Your Angel from high above is keeping an eye on you, he is proud of you so make yourself and him proud by putting things back into places and forgiving yourself for the past mistakes. Life goes on, walk at your own pace but please...keep walking! You and your lovely kids are the core of yoir strength, never forget that ☺

That's me i guess...a lil blahh & tired but appreciating my life for what it is. Change is slow but we all need it.

Stay safe all

S x

Ps. o*g I'm sure i wasn't swearing in this post! :-0
Admin, what's going on with all the (******) 🙁

hey, matey x x

Don't need to remind you that pretend demo mode will fire up all the little addict chemicals in your brain. Awesome that you were able to choose a lesser evil than the real deal, though. Be extra kind to yourself and extra cqareful cos that chemical hit will have your brain pestering you for more x x

Thank you Freda, i know exactly what you mean xx

Dear diary,

Nice & short. Back in the saddle & where would i take this beast for a spin? - a meeting of course ☺

Medicine taken - just for today - actions not words!

Stay safe all..no bet or drink today

S x

You are a strong, capable woman. Admire you, my dear x x

Thank you Freda! ☺ xx

Dear diary,

Long time no speak. Don't feel like i have a lot to say to be honest.
Am very greatful to be able to face another day, have all limbs intact, be able to fully function physically and mentally. Still on HP and maybe i have to accept that medication is needed for me as my depression took higher level towards the end of last year.
Physical injuries are healing, hand is almost back to normal even tho one finger looks dislocated :-/
Still on high doze of painkillers, getting physiotherapy as my back/neck gets locked in a lot and to be honest last few days at work went in a blur as i get dizzy and "out of it" as a result of tabs. ..the only concern is ability to focus on a way home while driving. Still v aware of headlights of upcoming traffic but it is what it is and i just need to keep pushing on to get over the fear.

Sister had a lil saddening news but i am here for her as always and will be there unconditionally as much as i can.
Property purchase is nearing completion date & just maybe i can share my news with the parents!!!!! Can't wait to tell them and invite them round my own space later this year..miracle for sure! I can't believe I'm a cg but somehow managing to be in this situation. Just shows that anything is possible no matter how many setbacks the journey dishes out...just got to keep pushing on huh...never ever give up on ur dreams!!!
Parents are not in very good health but spoken to Mummy today and her cold is slowly clearing which is music to my ears. Dad was very worried earlier this week as she has caught nasty bug...& bearing in mind her fragile state...i don't blame him preparing for the worst! ..however...she is a lil fighter my lovely angel and i know she will keep getting better...one day at a time!

No gambling nor drink to report. Buzzing today and can't wait for my 3rd meeting this week! I am back in magic rooms and just hope i will be "clever" enough to stick to them. Had urges for mr A yesterday but reached out to another person from the rooms and even if we didn't make it to meet up for cuppa, something what i been told made me even stronger than i felt. It's amazing how powerful words can be!

Sleep is a lil disturbed recently but am doing everything i can to keep breathing and staying calm. 15th book in the process of being read and slowly but surely i am claiming my peace back again ☺

Little steps forward, that's all it takes!
Finding myself biatchy and snappy time to time...maybe jealous of others good fortune and so on but getting rid of old traits is not easy. Everything takes time. Rome wasn't built in a day huh.

I forgive myself for being not so perfect. I forgive orhers and i am willing to keep slotting my life back into places. Nearing 32 years of age...time just flies - time to start living!

One of the happiest days today & i shall go for a lil jog in a rain...have a bath, cook dinner & meeting later to close my day on a high note 😉

Sounds like a plan to me.

Take care all.....

Man....I'm free ....just for today ;-)))))

S x

Lovely positive vibes there 🙂 Make my little heart sing!

Cheers for the cold tip - can't use it, being vegan 🙁 I was a sight earlier in the pharmacy ransacking the bottles of cough syrup muttering "f*****g honey" hahaha! I looked at the assistant with pleading, bleary eyes and said "does it say vegan on ANY of these bottles?!" Ended up with childrens tickly cough syrup which doesn't have the v word on it but looked OK to my watery eyes.

Such an achievement purchasing property as a cg - you are right to feel thrilled! More power to you, my lovely x x

Thank you Freda ☺

Diary,

Well, i am trying to stay as calm as possible and kind of succeeded recently. Taking work on the chin, interacting more with work colleagues...listening, breathing, advising. I am not keen on the job, far from it but it is putting bread on the table. Besides, i am not a tree to be rooted in one place so once i am settled in the new place i shall start searching around! Still have very slight (tiny tiny one) hope for the application i submitted at my vollunteering. If i would get through first stage, that alone would be the proudest moment in my life.. but...tipu tapu as i say ☺. I have patience (lol).

My calm moment passed in a blink of the eye this morning. Strangely i looked at myself from the side and how i am reacting to stress. I am laughing now but the shock and anger i had earlier was immense! Insurance company ripped me off once again and i even had to pay a fee of 30 quid for said "cancelled" direct debit. I didn't cancel it!!! I am sure steam was escaping my ears and i lost my cool on the phone not believing what i was told. 30 quid...massive money for me now! I even cried after i put the phone down but back to normal now and it is what it is. I said my piece tho and even if not too proud of myself, ...i cannot change it now. Calm is returning....i shall keep breathing!

I do go to my AA meetings and the last one i attended was 12 steps one. I am still in two minds of that but is it cause i refuse to let go?..i was thinking that. I see it as commitment for life. No first drink...no first spin...acceptance of it all.

It is gonna take time but i believe i can find spirituality in myself again. I cannot say i believe in God...i was raised to believe him & maybe i will be striked by the bolt now but i truly not sure if i believe "him" anymore. Higher power is there. Just not sure what it is.
At the minute i just need to concentrate on attending meetings & keep doing what is helping me, same magic is offered and i am blessed to be able to take it.

This post is all over the place huh. I noticed this in shares in the rooms..."jumping" from one thing to another..always makes me think how much i relate to others.

Peace out me thinks. Soon be time to head bk to work.

Stay well and safe all

S x

Good to see you my Lovely. And happy that you're back to work and driving again. Those first few drives out in the car must have taken some guts,but as always...you're just getting on and doing it. Life sure is up and down...you know that more than most...but you somehow keep moving forward. Who'd have thought a year ago that you'd be buying your own place? That takes some doing S, I hope you're able to acknowledge that.

Good to see you're back to those magic rooms. They really do seem to have a good affect on you...bringing you a little peace. I've never been, but they do seem to work. And like you said, just concentrate on attending for now and taking the medicine. I thought I'd read somewhere that the steps meetings were recommended after you'd been going for a year (not sure why I think that...I could well be wrong). Maybe it's natural to be in two minds about them initially. Some things just take time.

Anyway, you're doing it girl...so keep doing it! xx

Hi just a quick word to say well done on what you have achieved so nice to read, best wishes x

Thank you LB & Anon, your words v much appreciated and i will get back to you soon ☺

Diary,

New year new start on New year new attitude towards life?..hmmmm...i think both!

I must of banged my head in good measure because all this feels like awakening! Sandra going riots with life lol...in a good way of course ☺

Work is grrrrrr but i am counting my blessings to have a job all together!
I hurt myself yesterday by trying to help out and knowing that the "twist" i had to do is not gonna help me one bit...whola! I spent last hours at work in agony as my poor upper bk and neck are holding on treads :-(...but hay ho there is nothing Mr painkiller cannot solve!

Mummy is getting better, Dad is still zumming around the house and visits round hers, sister is going through some tough patch ( can ya believe she typed 30 ( yeah 30!!!!!!) Whatsapps in a space of 2mins :-0 ...what a rant ...bless her as i think she needed to get stuff off her chest. I'm glad she picks me knowing full well I'm at work and the signal is hiding in outta space & i cannot reply :-/. ..& then outta sudden she drops the bombshell of -" rite, drive safe!" Its like "forget what i said" kind of way "as I'm cutting ya off". .lol...
Still...cuppa with biscuits awaits this weekend as i need to calm her down and support her as much as i can.

Working week complete, 2 days off for r&r (who am i kidding here lol)...vollunteering, bank visit, meeting, scrubbing the car inside out, packing, drop by to the skip and some other things are planned ahead.

Sounds good to me...but first things first...these eyes need to rest for now - goodnight dear diary ☺

No nasty addictions to report, just for today of course.

S x

There's a new Tigger of the 21st century who's high jacked this thread.

I'm chuffed to see you Sandra, walking and talking the walk and talk of actions rather than think there way to recovery.

Stick with what your doing Sandra, you've turned a corner. Keep moving on and building them foundations.

Vvvvvrooooom

Thanks V,

Diary,

Cannot pin point how I'm feeling today. Maybe i just hate days off! Plans went pear shaped and only managed to clean the car & attend the meeting.

I feel stressed and i honestly don't like this feeling as i felt quite calm all week. Even meeting didn't help and i sat there like "bahhh" probably clouding every one elses day...and didn't say a word...kind of - "please leave me alone...everyone!".

Good news however:
It is what it is.
This shall pass.
Just for today no addictions will be present.
Tommorow is another day.

Please God...let it be the better one

Stay safe all

I may go smash few walls! (Fooooooooooooook 🙁 )